Victoria

Soon after, I had to go on my vacation to Japan for 8 days. Of course, i wouldnt bear to leave him cause things had just started getting better with him. For the first two days in Japan, i didnt have wifi connection because i was on the plane and i was too exhausted to go to the lobby to connect to it. When i finally got the chance to connect to wifi, there were millions of watsapp messages and emails that flooded me. Upon seeing his two emails among the sea of emails that i had received, i couldnt help but put up a big smile like a complete dork. As i was seated facing th glass panel of the cafe, i had a couple of stares from the passers-by walking down the streets. I enjoyed my toasted hot dog bun and a cup of orange juice as I read and re-read the email that he had sent to me. I felt so loved because those emails were gestures of him that showed his love and care for me. Even though we had a small fight on the second night of my trip, we looked past it because we missed each other too much to make a fuss about things that didnt matter. My mind was completely flooded with thoughts about him everywhere i went. When i was at Akihabara, a place where all anime based stuff and technology stuff were being sold there, I immediately thought of sim lim sqaure where he is working at and how tired he must be working. I had been constantly looking at photos of him whenever i was on the train or restaurant. I didnt realize that our love for each other was so strong till i was away from him. For those 8 days, i felt that there was something missing from my life. Ive been looking forward to this Japan trip for 4 years and im exhilarated to finally be there. However, part of my heart felt like there's something missing. It just felt like i couldnt share the happiness with the person who places most in my heart. It would have been so much better with him around. Maybe because of all the wishing that he was there with me, i saw several people that looked like him walking down the streets. For a moment or two, i really thought that he was really there in Japan and my heart literally skipped a beat. Of course, they were just look alikes of him, or maybe im picturing him being there for too long. He had sent me 9 emails during my trips and all of them are heart warming and made me feel secure because it reassured me that he was thinking about me as well too. When i had gotten back to singapore, he came to the airport and fetched me. There was a sudden burst of euphora in me when i saw him standing at coffee bean in his skin tight jeans and his hoodie. Everything felt so surreal because i havent seen him in awhile. I just felt glad that im finally able to see him after such a long time because if i had to wait another day, i think i might just drop dead because of love sickness. I so wanted to gave him a big tight hug upon seeing him, but i was too shy to even talk to him. Even though we were not together yet, he dragged my luggage for me around as we went to terminal 1 viewing gallery where i used to study there for my Pre-O days. We had small but meaningful talk that brought us even closer together. After that, he sent me back to my house and rode his 'camel' back home. I pretty much felt like a princess that day because im being escorted around. Hehe. On the 9th of December night, he randomly asked me to be his girlfriend. At first I wasn’t very sure as there were a lot of things to take into consideration. Honestly, ive been thinking about it throughout my trip in Japan for the answer to the question and I couldn’t come up with a conclusion. My head is screaming at me that it’s a dead end but my heart feels so strongly about him. He is so perfect, and all that I could ever ask or want in a boyfriend. I’ve been dying to make him mine but the fear or uncertainty kept me from giving him an answer. Ive thought about it the whole night and I finally gave in to my heart because I know that I would definitely regret letting him go just because im afraid to face my fears. On the 12th of December, we decided to go out since it was his off day. Given that we had met in the zoo, we had decided to go there to recollect memories. This time round, I had to take the bus because I didn’t have the priviledge of being in a car. We met each other at tampines mrt in the early morning and made our way to AMK. That day, he had wore his grey shirt which had an adorable teddy bear holding up a letter B imprinted on his left pocket and striking red pants. He looked as charming as ever like the very first day that I had seen him. We made a racket on the MRT and on the bus to the zoo as we couldn’t stop giggling and teasing each other. I could totally feel the stares of others but I didn’t mind because im completely lost in time and absorbed into the world of ours. He was so adorable when he got annoyed as he wanted to take a picture of the red panda that was constantly running around on a tree branch. He had repeatedly told me that he had given up trying to get a nice photo of the red panda but when it comes around, he immediately took out his phone and tried again. What a cutie pie. During our second time in the zoo together, we had seen things that we didn’t get to see like the pandas, kangaroo, and for me, monkeys having coitus. Hahahaha! Being playful, he constantly wanted to disturb me by pulling a really thick leaf and releasing it infront of my face, hitting my nose as well as pushing me towards a really long vine infront of the hippo exhibit. What I had found interesting was that when we are in one of the exhibits that we had went before for the first time, we saw the ducks which were supposed to be in the pond jumping out and onto the bridge, following us around wherever we went. We also saw this big ass blue bird that looked pretty fierce that was walking around on the pavement. No wait, not only one, but 3 of them. At one of time, we were surrounded by the three of them, with one of them infront of us and two behind us. We were scared shitless. We walked up the stairs and got to a place where there were filled with butterflies and bats flying around in the open. When a butterfly was close to us, he literally hid behind me and I couldn’t help but to laugh at his cowardice. Its amusing how a strong, big muscular guy like him can be scared of such a harmless, beautiful creature. After walking out of the enclosure, he hid at a corner and tried to scare me but failed miserably when I caught him doing so from a gap in between the walls that he was hiding. We found the snake exhibit the most disgusting one as the skin of the snake that it had shed gave us goose bumps. It was so scaly and dry. Around lunch time, the dark clouds started rolling in and we made our way to KFC to have our lunch. It started pouring soon after we’ve gotten our food. As we were sitting outside, the rain was being blown into our direction and there were droplets of rain all over our faces and body. However, he remained unaffected by the rain and continued staring into blank space while his face was completely wet from the rain. How weird. Later in the day, we went to the rainforest show which he was being called up the last time. Coincidentally, the guy who was being called up wore red as well like him the first time he went there. We giggled and he swore that he will never ever wear a red shirt to the zoo again. The last exhibit that we went was the baboons and we sat there for quite some time looking at them having a fun time with each other, if you know what I mean. We went back during the evening and took a long bus ride to tampines interchange from AMK. I rested my head on his arms as he put his hands across my shoulders. I dozed off after a minute or so and soon woken up by naughty him. We spent the rest of the bus ride poking each other and kidnapping each other’s phones. Even though it was a tiring day, it was definitely a day to remember because it had brought back a lot of memories and it was our first date together. I began sending him to work for a few mornings and having dinner with him when I’ve gotten a chance to every now and then. Even though we cant meet each other frequently, those mornings and nights are sufficient enough to make my day so much better. No love story could be fully understood by others but the two parties themselves. It may be a different perspective from his point of view but im just glad that I’ve finally found someone that makes me go heads over heels over him, something that a guy isn’t capable of doing to me for quite awhile now. We are definitely heading to different paths next year after O levels, but what I truly believe is that no matter what, we will definitely get through obstacles to our relationship together. He, is truly a keeper.

There he stood, wearing a deep V neck striking red shirt with a dark grey bermudas in contrast. His hand was carrying a DSLR camera with a black bag strapped across his torso. The sun rays fell on his beautifully spiked up hair and his tanned skin which made him glowed a little. The moment i had laid my eyes on him, my heart skipped a little. Something about him just seemed to attract me to him. I dont know why, but i had this warm, fuzzly feeling inside me that somehow knew he was going to become part of my life. I didnt believe in love at first sight, but i had definitely felt something back then. However, i shot the ridiculous idea because i thought that guys like him would definitely be unavaliable already and that i wouldnt stand a chance. I could vividy recall that i was admiring his rather muscular physique, his every gesture. Every fine detail from the side view of him had been imprinted on my mind even till this very day. I remembered how dashing and calm he was when was being called up to the stage during a performance and how he hid in a corner to eat his lunch when everyone else sat in a circle. I really hoped and wished that he would approach me and talk to me, but my hopes were dashed when i had to go home earlier because my brother had to go for lessons in the evening. From that day on, i counted on luck and fate for me to ever see him again, but i didnt get my hopes up because i knew that the chances were slim. When my o levels was coming to a near end, my mum told me that aaron's company is looking for people to work for SITEX. I subconsciously took up the job for me to have an excuse to talk to him. I didnt know how to start a conversation, but i finally gathered up my courage and sent a rather stupid ' Hi ! :D ' knowing very well that he doesnt even have my number. I literally wanted to punch myself in the face so bad because that was a really bad conversation starter. Surprsingly, he didnt seem so hostile that i thought he would be. I asked him for his twitter and started following him to get to know him better. That seemed like the end of our conversation like for eternity. He started responding to my tweets and we started talking and got kinda close. Perhaps he isnt that unfriendly that i thought he might be.We started to text into late nights and flooded each other's inbox like no one's business. When i felt that i was on cloud 9 talking to the guy of my dreams, everything came crashing down when i started seeing tweets dedicated to another girl and that he was in love with someone more beautiful and sweet girl at his work place. Reality had hit me hard, on my face. The disappointment was just too overwhelming that i decided to stop talking to him before the hurt manifests itself. Being realistic, i reminded myself that he was never meant to be mine and that he is way out of my league so i didnt have a reason to get hurt, or perhaps a reasonable one. I started playing the angel and tried getting him to talk to the girl and gave him a listening ear when he needed. I gave him moral support and courage till he finally started having smooth conversations with her. Predictably, he didnt text me for a few days but i knew what was coming. I swallowed this empty feeling of isolation and told myself to move on. Things didnt go as it was planned, and he came running back to me when the girl started ignoring his text messages. I knew its gonna hurt but i did the right thing to stay by his side. I had to go to a training session a few days before SITEX at his shop in sim lim. I arrived at sim lim a few minutes before eight, the desinated time of the training and took a glimpses at him. My heart immediately accelerated when i saw him sitting there with his dark grey hoodie and his reddish hair looking cool and all. I literally melted. During the training, i couldnt help but to look at him, only to realize that he has been texting the whole hour during the training which of course should be to her. His eyes were fixated to his phone, being so engrossed in texting her. I rolled my eyes and continued hearing Kevin's instructions. During the first day at SITEX, i was secretly wishing that he would make a random appearance after a long day at work, lifting my spirits. Immediately, i received a text from him saying ' i coming to find u later :p '. That text message immediately plastered a big wide smile across my face and i began to drag customers, running here and there like i had infinite energy. At night, he appeared with a fitting black suit and a hot pink shirt inside him that showed off his body shape. I striked a small conversation with him but it was too awkward to be sustained. However, it was enough to make my day so much better. It didnt take long before he made me angry for talking about the other girl endlessly. I dont usually get furious easily but it had been a long day and i guess i just i didnt want anything else to make my day any worse. I ignored his text that night. He came to SITEX the second day as well and the first thing he said to me was ' why you never reply my text ' and stared right into my eyes. I stared right back into his and replied ' cannot ah? ' He smiled and moved his head closer to mine. It was a moment of pure happiness. After that, he went to disturb others by pretending to be some interested customers and tricked my friend into explaining to him. What a playful guy. He showed some magic tricks during the near end of the day and he was the centre of attention with everyone crowding around him. I was giggling in one corner, admiring how charismatic he was. I checked my phone when i ended my work, only to realize that he texted me that he was over that girl. I didnt want to rain on other people's parade, but my inner goddess was beaming but sympathetic. I spent hours comforting him. Perhaps due to extreme fatigue, i finally had the last straw and scolded im ignorant for not being able to see who truly deserves him and that he had never noticed me after for so long and that i was playing the good guy expecting nothing in return all along. I told him how i felt about him and told him not to reply because i know very well that i cannot take rejections very well and it would be really awkward if we continued being friends. When i had woke up the next morning, he sent back a long message which i couldnt bring myself to read and decided to ignore it. I thought he wouldnt come after what we've through that night. In the end, he decided to come anyway. I could see him from the corners of my eyes, moving all around. When im done with my last customer, he came and asked me whats wrong. I dont know why, but at that moment, there was this surge of anxiety that made me walked straight past him when he had approached me. Maybe it was because i wasnt brave enough to face my fears that i thought that running away everything would just disappear. We had to stack up the leftover stocks and he helped out. I left early at around 11.30pm when he was still busy stacking up. Being persistent, he persuaded me to have things talk things through. Knowing that i had nothing to lose, i decided to had a talk with him. We talked till 3am and finally sorted out everything. He told me that we could have a fresh start to get to know each other, this time round without the girl in between us. I knew that i couldnt push or deny this love anymore and decided to go with it, even though skeptical things would work out, i knew very well deep in my heart, it will cause me even more heartache living through a day without talking to him. To be continued!

I cant believe that im so neglected by my parents. Okay, maybe neglected is too much of that intensity. I just feel that im always being unappreciated by them. My brother had gotten 240 for his psle results while i had 235. He had received showers of praises and expensive gifts from each of my family members. When i mean each i really mean each. My aunt gave him 200 dollars, my dad bought him a big ass punching bag and a set of boxing gloves which i believe it could just easily cost over 500. My grandma gave him some money as well and my mum bought him a feast/buffet. So what did i get when i had scored 5 points lower than him? nothing. Not even praises. The first reaction when i told my mum that i had gotten 235 was ' oh, so what school do you wanna go?' Its really saddening that i can never be good enough for them in their eyes. Like never. They didnt even paid attention to me when i had gotten my first trophy for poetry recitation in primary 2. They didnt even know i was chosen to be a school prefect. They paid no attention when i had gotten 2nd in class in primary 5. They didnt even know what was going on in my secondary school life then. They didnt even cared what results that i get, they didnt even know i managed to get 8th in class in the first semester of sec 4 and worse of all, they dont even know im a freaking exco of class managers and i designed my class tee/cm tee by myself for everyone. They are never proud of what i do because they feel that its just expected of me. Im proud of myself even though some are minor because i worked hard for it. These things dont just fly to me. I have to earn them. If im not proud of myself, who would? I bet they they wouldnt even give a fuck if im the top scorer in O levels. Im not born smart. They jolly well should know given the fact that i almost failed math in primary 2 when everyone was getting 80,90. I was never bright. Ive gotten to the last 5s class in primary school because of my math. Ive got promoted up and stayed in a 5s because ive got 75 for both english and chinese. Do they even know how difficult it is for me to produce results? During my PSLE year, i clearly remembered that i literally brought 5 math papers to do during the trip to china. On the plane,, in the hotel at night, anytime possible. I slipped into depression because results arent showing and that i was still failing math. Others were just mediocre. Same goes to my secondary school results. It has always been mediocre. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I DIDNT STUDY. I DIDNT WORK HARD. I DID. Whatever i do isnt by chance, by intelligence or by luck. I make things happen by myself, my tears and sweat. All i ever needed was your acknowledgement or at least give a fuck about what i do in school. If you can do that to my brother, why cant you spare some thought for me too? Next thing, i really dont understand the definition of thin. Whenever someone says a girl is thin, all i look at are just bones and nothing else. I guess everyone's definition is pretty much the same. Thin: underweight. I feel like a freaking laughing stock whenever i stand next to him. I can hear the voices inside me constantly telling me ' what are you thinking siok? his friends would totally laugh at you for being such a fat, ugly pig. who are you to think that yu deserve him?' All those mockings inside my head seemes so real that im starting to believe in it. I feel so embarrassed telling others that he is my boyfriend because they would just go like ' him? you serious? what the hell does he ever see in you? ' Even if they dont say it to my face, they would just look at me top to toe and give me a sly smile and judge me in their hearts. I know everyone's gonna say look arent all that matters to cover it up. BUT LOOKS BLOODY MEANS A LOT TO ME. Dont tell me you dont care about looks because everyone does have a certain standard of the other half. Looks is what builds up a person's confidence. I know it definitely builds up mine. Everytime when i look myself in the mirror, i would feel so disgusted and self hatred would start to grow within me and course through every fibre of my body. Its that contagious. I will never feel that im good enough for him unless im super model thin. Of course im not gonna sit here and whine. I can do that for all i want. Im gonna do whatever it takes even if it means being anorexic to be what he deserves because i just love him too much and couldnt bear to see him get laughed at for having such an obese girlfriend.

So today i had to go to the doctor to get my eye checked and i was feeling a little unwilling to spend the day at home with my mum just to get something so subtle checked. The stye on my eye has been there for months, even before O level had commenced. Stupidly, i kept thinking that the stye woud somehow go away after awhile. Sadly, it didnt and it got even worse. When i was at the clinc, the doctor told me that i had to go through a minor surgery to get it removed. I was flabbergasted and burst into tears because im really afraid of pain. I had called several people to get encouragements and even persuasion to go through with it. If i didnt remove it now, it woud solidify and it would turn into a major operation on the eye. I would be lying if i said that it didnt hurt, it does. It felt like your whole eyeball is gonna be dugged out and fall off. There's this sharp pain lingering in my eye after the surgery. However, im really glad that i managed to find the courage to do it. Before the surgery, my mum and i werent on good terms cause i always felt that she has been venting anger on me becaue she couldnt control my brother. Worst of all, i didnt tel how i felt and the problem persisted on. It not her fault that she vent her anger on me unwillingly, but me for keeping quiet. Like my title of this post, communication is what brought us together. We sat at the waiting area, waiting for our turn and the surgery and had a heart to heart talk that we hadnt have for many years. Ive realized that i disliked her so much because i didnt understand where she is coming from and all the hard work that she has to do to tame my brother because i wasnt aroud at home. I only cared about how i felt and what seemed wrong to me. I feel so guilty for not being able to understand her and kept digging out past wrongdoings of her to strengthen my point of view. Really glad to have my eye stye removed and having to clear the tesion between my mum and I. love her so much.

There's been something that had been that have been sticking onto my mind and no matter how hard i try, i just cant seem to shake it off. Jealousy is a very strong word. I thought that i will never succumb to those feelings, especially in a relationship. Jealousy is for the weak, and im afraid im turning into one weakling. I really hate mentioning the past because i know it doesnt matter anymore. I really dont see the point remembering the things that make you upset till you reduce to self hatred and all those painful emotions that no one ever wants to experience. This probably explains why i always tell everyone to keep secrets to themselves, the reason why i dont have any sad songs in my phone and dont watch melancholy dramas or movies. However, with him, the past just seems inevitable. I told him that i didnt want to know anything or whoever that had been with him because i know i will take it very hard. I believed that ignorance was a bliss. Ive tried to rule out curiosity because it had killed me many times over the past 2 years. Somehow, those information that ive been trying so difficult to avoid started unfolding infront of my eyes as we've gotten closer. I knew that once ive known bits and pieces of it, im gonna piece everything together and it will serve as a blow to me. I like to be the best in everything, or probably just think that i am because its my confidence that keeps me together and the strong driving force to excel in anything. If its lost, i'll be nothing. Nothing at all. I hate to run away from my problems, yet i dont have the courage to face them as well. After knowing things about his ex, ive never felt so inferior, so lost. Its like everything that i do will never be as good as them. He'll tell me things that im the best and im how amazing i am. However, i'll just think that he might have told all these to others as well before and that im really nothing that special. Sometimes, i secretly wish that im prettier, skinnier, smarter. If i was, i wouldnt have all these self esteem issues. Of course every girl has them but believe me I care about my image so much, more than anything else and i guess this just magnifies my self esteem issues. She's prettier than me, she has such a melodious voice, she is so charismatic, she is so lady like, she is smarter than me, she is skinnier than me. She is everything that i am not. I dont understand why i have to be so indifferent from others. Im so insecure that i hate myself so much for being so whinny all the time. I wish i can slap myself or something and do something about it instead of dwelling over it. SO, after this post, i will not dwell about it anymore and move on once and for all.

Sometimes, i really cant understand why some people are just so stubborn. I really hate it when people just listen to their own perspective and not others and just completely shut off what everyone else has to say. Your perspective isnt always the right or the best one. Sometimes you might even be wrong but you simply refuse to listen. Im not saying that my opinion is better or anything but cant you just stop and think through and not be so rash? I really hate it. Firstly, im a very righteous person. I do what i feel is right. Of course, i will think through before i act on my emotions. I really hate it when you always act on your emotions even before thinking through the consequences or any alternative. Worse of all, you just completely shut me off and only listen to yourself. Can't you see that you're very rash? I just cannot stand it sometimes. You let your emotions take control over you over important matters regarding your best friend, your sister and even me. Ive said a million times before, your best friend isnt perfect. You've known him for so long and just because a small matter that ticks you off you put your friendship with him for many years. Dont you think you're oh so mr perfect because you're not. Everyone has flaws and your flaws probably makes him mad too but he doesnt harp on him because he is understanding. You never know. Dont go all like ' I reallty never make him angry before'. Oh really? for 11 years? Just hear yourself out. As for me, you didnt even gave me a chance to explain myself. I could've just hide it from you and not tell you anything what im gonna do when i touch down in singapore. But no, i told you. How did you react from that? Got angry at me. ANGRY. Even though i assumed that you still liked the girl, i didnt get ANGRY at you. I DIDNT. Maybe its partly my fault for telling you that. It may be my fault for everything else. But i just hope that you can open your mind and not be so stubborn. You have no idea how you can hurt people unknowingly with your ignorance.

I dont understand why im always being used and stomped all over and being left behind when they dont need me anymore. You tell me that your friends didnt ask you out because they have each other, dont you do that to me too after consultations? Same goes to you. Once you've gotten your girl, what am i to you? Everyone just come and go whenever they like into my life. Im a pretty sentimental person and i will form deep emotional connection with everyone that ive meet. When its being formed and they suddenly just decided to leave, i feel so parched. People do that so often that i sometimes feel that im inhumane to them, that im a lifeless creature taking form in a human's body. I have feelings too, and i really dont like it. Im never the most important in anyone's lives. Maybe thats the reason why i like to force myself to think that everything is just temporary, and shut everyone out because its easier that way. However, it gets pretty lonely too but its better than being faced with disappointments everyday. Perhaps i shall stop being so nice to everyone because everyone takes it for granted. Im tired of being pushed around and be the person to look for as a substitute. Sure, i can put up a fake front in front of you because im tolerant, i just dont know how long i can hold it back in. This unsettling, disturbing feeling just keeps haunting me every single day. I should have never been amiable, perhaps i can save myself from such forms of heartache. I always think whats the best for others but never for myself, i just cant bear to make those people around me unhappy. I gusss i have to distant myself from them for awhile before i can move on with my life. Hmm. Till then!

Useless is a word to describe me. Im often being described as a weakling because i cannot seem to live without the support from others. Whenever im faced with problems, i tend to explode into tears because i dont know what to do. I will feel so frightened, like battling those problems alone. And thats when i turn to bennett, who will unconsciously make me smile again without even trying. He seems to understand every kind of mood that im in and knows how to soothe me. He's like an older brother who never fails to take care of a younger sister like me who would crumble without his support. I cant be more thankful to have met such a great friend like him. All those crazy chases around parkway, emotional drama of guys, academic problems, even when im at my worst. He's someone who has stuck with me through thick and thin and doeant judge me no matter how ridiculous my ideas or thoughts were. Even though he is always busy with everything else, he always makes time for me to talk to me to make me feel better. He's also my source of inspiration to strive for the impossible such as going into temasek junior college with him because he believed in me. Yes, i take every single word of his very seriously because ive always looked up to him as a role model. I really wouldnt know how life would be like without him, and its scary if one day god decides to take him away from me, what would i do? I feel that im such a heavy burden for bennett to bear because im so over reliant, but he never showed signs of irritation. I feel so annoying and i really wish that i can be strong enough to face my problems myself. Ive hesitated to call him once or twice because i know i'll be disturbing him, but gave in and called because of my ragging emotions from within that i just couldnt take it anymore. Bennett, if you are reading this, im sorry for being such a pest these few years, and i know that i havent been there for you when you need me because i dont think you do anyway. But thankyou, for everything that you've sacrificed for me like your sleep with our late night calls and your time. You're such a great friend.

3 more days till the end of Os. I really cant wait! I always feel so crappy whenever i see people posting up pictures of them playing on instagram or working when im like stuck with 3 more days of Os. I mean come on! I want this hell to be done and over with! Anyway, its the 4th day of my diet today and wow to be honest ive never stick with it for more than 2 days. #achievementunlocked Hope i will lose those extra weight and look nice in my prom dress. Ultimately its to leave those people who kept calling me fat nothing left to say. So wait you bastards. Recently, i've just realized that people fall into different hierachy in the society. People from different categories just dont get along because their way of life and their thoughts are completely different. Sometimes i dont feel that i fit in during physics tuition because everyone there are so smart and their presence always remind me of how i can never match up to them. Same goes for my bestie who is just smart and whatever i say just makes me look dumb in front of her. On the other hand, i can never understand how some people just like to throw their lives away by playing everyday. I really hate people who dont take charge of their own lives or at least try and all they can ever think of is to play. Yes i can be tolerant to some extend but once you step over the line by forcing me to play along with you and disregard my priority you are ruled out of my life. I will not hesitate to cut you off from my life because thats for the best for me. Im not being selfish, i just know my priorities. On top of that, i really hate idiots who bore me with their endless talking which i dont give a flying fish AND giving me a cold shoulder. Please, look at yourself before stepping over the line. I have to be tolerant of your incessant talking about stuffs which bore me to death and pretend that i actually care to be nice and all you do is to give me attitude? Oh what a child's play. I have no interest in keeping you in my life in the long term anyway. Shall save my energy for more important stuff. Totally not worth it. *yawns* Godness im becoming more and more bitchy. I shall stop with my rants. Till then!

Every now and then i will get a little nostalgic whenever i see your updates, but nah. Im not upset over you anymore. Actually, ive stopped being upset over you because ive wasted too much tears and time earnestly trying to win you back. Little did i know that you dont deserve me. You dont even come across my mind anymore for like a year and its surprisingly odd for someone as emotional as me. Well, i used to describe myself that ' im a weak little flower that will be blown away by the slightest gust of the wind. ' but boy this little flower turned rigid and firmly standing tall. The pain that you had given me was excruciating, but nonetheless ive learnt more about you. You are just someone who would get bored and move on and hoping that you can get someone better. Oh sweetie, please be realistic, no one will ever be ever to tolerate your hot temper, your bossy little attitude and your clingy behaviour. Just saying;) its your loss, not mine. Believe what you want, but everyone clearly knows you are the one who had sinned and you should be ashamed. Tata! Anyway, cant wait to get the mcqs done and over with. Geeesh, its like a never ending suspense that is slowly manifesting as each day goes by. I will see my freedom on Friday! I will get full marks for all my mcqs! POSITIVE VIBES WOOOHOOOO!!! ++++++++

Today i had seen a movie that had changed my life forever. I was sitting infront of my computer and negative thoughts came to haunt me again. I felt like it was a never ending cycle that is out to torment me. I texted gaolei, my senior last year, who introduced me to this movie called The Secret: laws of attraction. In the movie, it has taught me that through three steps i could achieve whatever i want to in my life. Ask, answer and receive. Always ask the universe for what you want, and as what the movie said ' treat the universe as a catalogue and tell the universe what you want by writting it down or thinking about it' we always have to visualize the goal that we have in mind and believe in it. In order to do so, we must filter out all the negative thoughts in our mind and turn them into positives. For example, if i want to be a physicist, i must think that i will be a physicst and not its impossible or i wish i can because thats not what affirming your thoughts is. When you think positive, it will send a signal to the universe that will give u whatever u want at the right place and the right time. Thinking negatively will send out a negative signal to the universe and it will also send it back at you. Now you see why when you have a bad day it is being prolonged the whole day because u kept thinking about the shit that has happened to you. With that, the universe will answer to your wishes and grant it to u and you are to receive it. Receiving means taking into account of every single detail that leads to your ultimate goal and not reject or doubt it. All my life i kept thinking how miserable my life is and how ive worked so much harder than the others but dont get what i want. It doesnt make sense, right? Today, i know that its because i kept putting myself down by telling people how stress i feel, how useless i am and dwell on my incapabilities and what i cant have. I am the obstacle to my goals and all along i didnt see it till this very day. It really changes the mindset that i have. Ive always not dared to dream, for the fear that my dreams will be dashed and i will be left with nothing but disappointments. If i dont believe in myself, who else can? From today, i can visualize myself sitting infront of miss morni and miss yang with smiles on their faces and congratulating me for how well ive done. I will be there, bursting into tears of joy and i will go up and hug yunhan and break the news to him. I will see his face light up and hug me back tightly and we share the joy together. I will be in Temasek Junior College where i will spend my 2 years in the same school as bennett and yunhan like ive promised and i will be studying physics, chemistry, math and economics/literature. Yes, that will happen. I am not going to be negative anymore and im going to start believing in myself that i can do it. I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MY MEASURE. Temasek junior college, i will be there next year. (: "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" W. Clement Stone

Im writting this blog post about an amazing woman who had impacted my life greatly. She, is my math tuition teacher miss kerk. Ive first known her after my mother has found her on an online website as my tutor since secondary 2. My first impression of her when she walked to my doorsteps was 'wow, she is one meticulous teacher' judging by her neatly bunned up hair and her thick black spectacles. She was always dressed with her fabourite black round neck shirt with a big button on the left. At first, i really thought that she is just an ordinary teacher. But day after day it past by and i grew fonder of her. She really put her heart and soul into teaching and i could feel it that motivated me to start doing well for math. I gave her disappointments after disappointments. I failed my secondary 2 final year exams even though ive put in lots of effort. The breaking point of me was when i failed my midyear and my final year sec 3 exams which i really felt so disheartened and that im deemed to fail my math forever. I felt so broken that i almost lost hope in myself and all the determination which burnt so bright and furious in me. I was crying endlessly but she told me not to give up. She had sent me long text with lots of happy emoticons to cheer me up. Although it took awhile for me to get back on track, it was her who was there for me and pushed me not to give up. If i did that time, my math would end up in flames just like my chemistry which i never grew passion in it. It was Finally the sec 4 mid year exams that ive managed to get a B4 for my math. I was so exhilrated that i broke into tears of joy, that unexplainable happiness bursts within you and you feel as though you're on cloud 9. Even though my prelims slipped and got a C5, she kept on encouraging me that its the ultimate goal that matters: O levels. Whatever my o level for my math is, im still really grateful that she had put in her heart and soul into teaching me. I could never ever repay her kindness and her sacrifice she had made for me. All those memories that ive had with her will always be etched to my heart: athe long smiley texts, the days where she fetched me from school in her car back home, the heartwarming smile that greets me and her words of encouragement before she leaves my doorstep, those saturday morning tuition. Now that my Math o level is over, my saturdays seemed so empty without her presence. It really seem like my daily routine has been switched and my saturdays are free. It felt so weird, so surreal. Its just like a part of me being ripped away and leaving me with a parched soul. She can never be described in words because she is beyond greatness. I would miss her so bad. I admit that i even cry sometimes when i think of her. Yeah, yeah im sentimental and emotional. But hey, who wouldnt miss her? Im sure other students would miss her as much as me. Miss kerk, thankyou for the 2 years of fond memories that we've shared. I will never forget you. (: you are the best teacher that ive ever had. You are the greatest gift that god could ever give to me.

Sometimes in life we often take things for granted just because they are always there for you when you need them, just like how your mother will always be there for you unconditionally. When ive thought back about this year, my life was really a mess, even on new year's eve when i dwelled over a guy that was taken which, i admit, i really really liked back in my primary school days. Guess i was just a moment too late. But oh well! Being in temasek secondary for the last year really excites me because, like ive said a many thousand of times, that i cannot wait to get out of this hell hole. I've always thought that my life would suck throughout my secondary four years. Yes, sometimes it sucked, but things turned out better. Somehow, i started becoming real close to azizah and yixian whom had became my best friends in temasek. Ive also met many random awesome people along the way and got close with like hema and karan. Of course, some had always stayed as good friends. What was the turning point in my life was the guy that sat right beside me during the 1st lesson in chemistry lab. Sure, we often talked a little and poked fun at each other during titration in the midst of preparing for our spa. However, we didnt really speak to each other outside the lab. One day, he decided to text me after our end of year chemistry paper and we started to text. As he seemed like a really typical-oh-so-nice-and-innocent guy, i made the effort to continue texting him and it turned out to be a daily routine. I started pouring out all my deepest darkest secrets to him that i would have never told anyone and trusted him more and more when the days go by. He is indeed a reliable and trustworthy guy that any girl who die to have as their 'gay guy friend' because he never judges, and trust me, he doesnt. At the start of the year, i was still very lovestruck and fantasize about a really attractive guy, whom of course i knew, would never be with me even if i had dream. He was the one who brought me out of my fantasy and started telling me to give it up because i deserved better. And yes, it is definitely true. However, i started to treat him really bad because i knew he was someone who will not retaliate even when its downright my fault and im being unreasonable. I can go to the extend whereby i could feel anger coursing through my veins to my hands that tempted me to slap him because of his minor flaws (like being late, being lazy). Deep down i know that he is a great guy, but sometimes anger caught hold of me and i became very impulsive. Of course, i never beat him duh, i was just exaggerating but you get my point. Everytime when the anger subsides, i will feel a surge of guilt flowing within me and when i think back, i had definitely made a big fuss out of something so insignificant. Sometimes, i really feel that i think too highly of myself that whatever he does is useless that made me feel that way. Maybe its just the strong willpower to push anyone away who wants to disrupt my path to succeed ( which is scoring well for Os right now) and i am that kind of person who would really cut off all contacts with my friend if he/she doesnt place any value in their studies/lazy/incompetent. To you if you are reading this: Im sorry. I will definitely change for the better after Os and i can think more clearly when all these stress subside. Right now, i need to finish my last subject and i need to focus. And, thankyou for everything (:

Like everyone else on this world. Im flawed. Im never perfect. These flaws seems to mould me into someone that I would really hate if I were to become another person. I have anger issues. Yes, I may seem calm, cheerful and everything but I have so much resentment in me that I vent at anyone and snap at everyone. The worst person that faces all my angers is actually yunhan. I would yell at him when he doesn’t tell me what he wants to say clearly like where and when to meet or what is his intention of doing certain things. I can’t stand his laziness and his lack of sensitivity towards my feelings. I cant stand it when he is late just for a few minutes, I can’t stand him asking too many questions because it irritates me. I would go to extreme ends to express my anger by pushing him away and yell at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. Ironically, It was the exact same thing that B did to me because he always thinks that he is so mighty and im inferior towards him. I feel exactly the same towards yunhan; going around thinking that im superior and he must give in to me. I have no idea how he can stand my temper throughout these 8 months. I really hate myself for being so nasty towards such a great gentleman like him and it really heart wrenching to see him getting hurt and me being a monster. I constantly compare him towards his brother who is an overachiever and constantly complained about his looks when he is always the one complementing me constantly whenever I feel insecure and even sending ‘Good morning, beautiful!’ everyday. I always take his messages and his tolerance for granted. Who knows one day he might snap and he will be gone forever. I really salute him for being able to stand my anger. Because of yunhan’s tolerance, he had let this monster grow in me. I constantly feel angry when things don’t go my way. It was until I snapped when B didn’t reply my text and rejected my call. I seriously feel like stabbing myself for being so selfish and thinking about myself all the fucking time. I constantly feel that im better than everyone at everything and I must be the best at everything. If I don’t, I will feel like a major loser and blame myself for being so useless. I am definitely guilty at looking down at people and I have no idea why I subconsciously do that. Im not so great and mighty myself. I expect a lot from myself. It may be because that my mother had to give up her education at TJC because she didn’t even have enough money and I want to get a high paying job so that she doesn’t have to live day by day on her pay and save up her money just to spend on me. I’ve been given the luxury of having my own room, study table and a perfect family. What more could I ever want from them? My mother had never stress on education. She would always tell me to try my very best, and that’s all that mattered to her. However, it was more than that for me. Im so driven to do well in life and I had the mindset that if I graduate with flying colors from university I was able to get what I wanted; materialistic wealth. After 10 years of my life studying, I kind of figured out that studying isn’t my forte. I push, I pushed myself so hard that I constantly break down because I constantly being reminded that I wasn’t good enough by the school and my grades. Deep down inside, I know that in incapable and that is already my best because trust me, when I say I work hard, I work 10x harder than anyone else. I had never gotten what I want. Everyone had their A*s and their 240-260 scores in their PSLE and im a loser with 233 after working so much harder than them. I thought secondary school would be different but it is just all the same. I can even tell that my primary school 6/4 friends look down on me when I told them ive gotten B3 for my Chinese after retaking it for the second time when no one fell below an A2 in their first attempt. I felt like a complete loser with no direction ahead of me. My future seems so bleak because all I ever do was give my best, but apparently I have to accept that best wasn’t good enough. It never will be for the society. Am I so useless? I fail at so many things that im forced to believe that im not gonna make it. It hurts. Maybe I had chosen the wrong school to be in. Honestly, when I had first stepped into temasek, I don’t even feel that I belong. 4 years had gone by and nothing has changed. I still feel the same way I did 4 years ago. Somehow, I feel that Im able to bloom if im somewhere else, somewhere but this school which I don’t belong. It had been tortuous for me. Ive lost my group of friends, ive lost the passion for the things that actually matter like class manager because of incapable- I shall not say. I wasn’t given enough attention and practice because of my Chinese teacher in secondary three who is seriously irresponsible. For the first time in my life, I had never felt so lonely before after he had left me. I felt like it was the end of the world because he used to be such a huge part of my life. I lost everything. I came to temasek with nothing and leave with no good memories being forged. The only wish that I ever want is to get 6 points for my o levels to get Into TJC and escape this hellhole forever. Ive lost 4 years of my precious life trying to figure out who I really am and where I fit. For an insecure girl who constantly needs attention and company, I really needed so much courage and strength just to be alone. However, I grown stronger. I’ve grown independent and had learnt to rely on nobody but myself. The only person that kept me sane was my dearest best friend. I still remember that pact I had made with her when I was back in secondary 1, sitting at tanah merah platform texting her after ive gotten my term 1 progress report. Time flew, and its O levels. I don’t even know that I can make it to the same jc as her, and im just gonna feel so devastated when I receive my results next year, thinking that how my stupidity had caused me my chance of being in the same jc as her. I really, really love her so much. She saw me through the lowest point in my life. She really did. Looking back, ive hurt so many people in the progress of pursuing my studies. Ive always snapped at anyone who will get in my way of my studies, and I even cut ties with a dear friend because she always wanted to go out with me but I didn’t had the time and I felt that she was a hindrance towards my goal. I don’t even know those sacrifices are worth it. Right now, all I can do is to look forward and pray that my future after graduating from temasek will be a better one. Trust me, anywhere is better than temasek. I even urge my brother not to go to temasek because it sucks like shit in so many ways, especially with a screwed up Chinese department forcing people to drop hcl when they don’t the requirements, firing squads, forcing people to drop subjects just because our prelims are bad. Fuck this school. Im gonna be out of this school soon and im never coming back. Never.

All along i was afraid to tell you the truth. All because i dont want to lose a friend like you. Honestly, i had never seen such gorgeous guy in my life, the way you smile sweeps girls off their feet. I cant even find the adjectives to describe how good looking you are. It was maybe the lust i had for you that made me thought that i was in love with you. However, i came to realize that it eill never be mutual because you are way out of my league and im obviously not the type of girl you will go for. Its a brutal truth that i gotta accept. I have no idea why i cant let it go; probably because i know that i will never be on speaking terms with you if i said no straight forwardly. With Os so near and suddenly you came back into my life. All that lust that ive had all came rushing back into my heart like an unstoppable inferno. I can never take my eyes away from you. I guess i just have to let this all go here and now, at least after Os. Even though i know that it suggests the end of us, i really hope that you will regard me as a really good friend; but chances are really slim. I dont see any reason for you to talk to me anymore, like i've said, we are two very different people from two very different worlds. The only thing for me to do is to reassure myself is to tell myself that if you really do regard me as someone important in your life, you will talk to me; but nah. screw that. you will never do that. O levels are really taking my life away, its mentally and emotionally draining. Ever since bennet has early admission into TJC through basketball, i had swore to myself that i will work extremely hard to be in TJC like what ive promised him. Its heart wrenching to picture his disappointment in me if i didnt. I've been getting 3 hours of sleep every single day and stayed back everyday till 6 to study and consultations. I really want to get into TJC so badly that im willing to sacrifice anything and everything that i have for the remining 2 weeks to make a difference. My prelims were horrendous with l1R5 of 27 even though ive worked hard. From where i am now, it seems that TJC is an impossible goal for me. Nevertheless, i will fight till the very end; at least i know i've given my best and pray the odds to be in my favour. Im not gonna give up now, i've come so far. 2 more weeks. Just two more weeks. P.S. : To the person im referring to, im glad that you've overcome your habit. If thats at the expense of cutting contacts with me, i totally understand. You dont need to be sorry or guilty. I just want you to be happy. If you are, i am too(:

The only regret that i had ever made in my life, was choosing temasek secondary school.

My prelims results was horrendous and i was disheartened and my hopes shattered when i've received my last paper, which is physics that i had put in my effort, heart and soul into it. I can't believe that i've failed a subject that im most confident in. It literally crushed my heart and the burning passion inside me had went away and sorrow overwhelmed me.

When i say that my results are atrocious, i really mean it. I've got C5 for everything, C6 for physics, and F9 for chemistry.

Whats worse is when your teachers starts to doubt you and accusing you of not studying, and even persuading you time and again to drop to combine science when you had down right made your choice of keeping it. It is disgraceful for being singled out every fucking FTCT to waste time doing SHIT like persuading you to drop to combine science and lecturing you how bad your results are. Shut up, I know that my results arent fantastic, but who are you to look down on me like that and take away my pure sciences? You would always say that the chances of getting A1 for combine science is higher blah blah blah and brain wash you into taking combine science. but NO. I strongly believe that i will, and i WILL, get A1 for my physics and i wont sacrifice that for anything else in the world. And please, instead of lecturing and making us feel bad, why not let us STUDY AND STOP WASTING OUR TIME. When ive given you my answer as a no, i mean it and you jolly well just suck it up and stop asking me again and again.

The school system is totally fucked. I dont see whats so awesome about temasek, but rather a school that manipulates people into people whom they want you to be. Im a very egoistic person and i cant stand being looked down by people and being pitied. Yes, i am arrogant but i can't change it. As much as i want to, it is who i am and it is because of my persistence and strong will that im able to push myself to do the impossible even though i clearly know that im pushing myself too hard. This is the burning flame in me that keeps me going and press on even though they are at times of giving up. I want a 6 points in O levels so bad, so bad that i often cry myself to bed because of the overwhelming stress. I know that im not smart, and it is unattainable. However, i would not give up trying until i've given it my all. I would not go down without a fight. This is something that differentiates me from the others, but sometimes it can be a torture because of the constant disappointments and failures that i've faced. I still fight, i will fight till the very end no matter how many times im being knocked down. It's not easy being someone who studies conscientiously but yet yields fucked up results.

Imagine being told that you aren't able to take A math because you've failed your maths ever since secondary two. Imagine being kicked out from higher chinese that you've spent your last 3 years devoting your blood, soul and 2 hours extra lessons just to take hcl and had gotten a C5. Imagine retaking it again and getting a B3. Same goes to my maths and physics. Ive pumped it so much effort, yet the results dont show. When i mean it doesnt show, i really mean Cs. It really frightens me as sometimes i am so close to giving up but held on after so much setbacks in my secondary school life. Failure stabbed me countless times repeatedly, and it took me a lot of courage and resilience to stand up again and face my fears and overcoming my obstacles; its not easy.

I really, really do hope that the day i receive my O level results, I will see a beautiful 'L1R5: 6' on my paper.

I wouldn't be able to pull through this tough week without the moral support from my friends like freda, for always being there for me and going consultations with me every single day. Serena, who constantly encouraged me and reminds me that i am a strong woman and taught me how to face my fears. And yunhan, for always being the punching bag for me whenever i explode and act impulsively because of my pet up fustrations and anger.


And, im really sorry for the outburst, but what im really trying to tell all of you that you are very fortunate to have decent grades and not getting chased by teachers everyday to demoralize you and remind you how awful you are and persuading to drop to combine science. I understand where all of you are coming from, but i really hate it when you whine on and on and on about your 'poor' results in front of me. I just really hope that all of you wake up and be thankful for it. Im sorry.

Okay, the week hasn't been great and to be honest it was really terrible for me. I ended up eating excessively to take my depression away and i ended up getting more depressed about my weight. So i've gained some weight and i really, really wanna lose them before it gets stuck with me permanantly.

I was browsing through some diet plans and came across this morning banana diet plan. It is a diet whereby you must eat a banana, or as many as you like till you are full and 8 ounces of water and eat reasonably for the rest of the day, meaning that no snacking or fast food.

Gonna try it out tomorrow. :) Cant wait.

Its been quite some time since i've blogged cause my computer has gotten virus. Damn.
Didn't really have had a chance to blog about the USS trip with the lovelies. Shall start from there!




 Me and shann after mummy ride!


After the mummy ride we went to collect our bags in the locker. It started pouring heavy rain and everyone was squeezing with one another. The santrid smell of rain and the odour from the sweat of the people around me was simply unpleasant. Gennie, shann and Char bought raincoats while i shared umbrella with felicia.

We went to the 'far far away' land which was my favourite part of USS cause everything seems so princessy. :)

 The big-ass screen!



 lovely gennie with the donkeh!

Accompanied shann to verious shops to collect some free gift or something. Look at the candy shop! :D


 The polaroid flim that we took with Puss in Boots earlier on!
 Charlotte was blown away by the mee fen roll at the bottom right. AHAHAHAHA! :)

Madagascar gift shop!









We left USS at around 8.00-ish and went to Hersheys to buy chocolates :) We got back to Habourfront after waiting for 30mins to get up the sentosa train platform cause there are way too many people going back at that time. Felicia and gennie went down the basement to buy some pie in Burger King while charlotte left early. He dragged me out to the open area of vivo and just nice there were fireworks from Sentosa. He gave me my birthday present (not telling you what!) as we watched beautiful fire crackers bursting into colorful sparks in the sky.

Went back to the food republic to meet gennie and felicia and ate. He left as he lives there while i took the train back with gennie and felicia. Gennie and I had an uncomfortable experience with some bitch on the train who wanted to stomp us for sitting down while she herself is a well abled woman of her 30s. I dont see any elerly around who needed the seat, so why must i give in to you when you are capable of standing on your own feet? Assholes everywhere.

Reached home around 11 and texted all the girls and him goodnight and fell asleep almost immediately. It was a day to be remembered ;) I've truly enjoyed myself that day. Really wish outings like this could come by more often.


...


On my actual birthday i had O level listening comprehension for chinese. Sad. Went to eat with him after school at Seoul Garden. The food was yummy. I dont know why but the only thing that i like was the egg noodles and the teriyaki chicken. HEHEHE, im such a waste of money :P oh well!




Last Friday went to Evening under the stars cause he secretly bought tickets for me without me knowing. Was planning to stay at home and mug like a boss but oh well. It was sweet of him though (; Ate at vivo city's Kim gary and went back to school at 7.00pm for EUTS:) it was a great performance!


 Oh, not to forget pressie's from the excos and the annoying orange ;)
Man its a long post. Anyway, toodles! :) Tired alr, hahaha!

Hi people! First day of school wasn't so bad as i thought it would be after all. I kinda look forward to it cause i get to see x and of course my darlings azizah&yixian! However azizah sprained her finger( hahaha cute her ! ) But nevermind i get to see her later! (Wednesday).

It was a pleasant surprise that i wasnt in the emath remedial cause i've gotten a B4. I guess Mr C. trusts me to study well on my own. But whatever cause im gonna be in the remedial anyway cause he's gonna set tests after tests to try to put people in his remedial and of course im the weak one obviously i would be down. BUT ITS OK! :D

I feel so weird carrying my school back and everything in the morning. I've got my motivation and drive back on and its time to get started! Since i've wasted my whole holidays because i have absolutely no self discipline, i have to buck up now if not its too late.

I've just realized that ive been making the same mistakes for all my subjects over and over again which made me lose quite a lot of marks. Now im planning to target all those holes that i didnt fill in for every chapters and build up my so-called-shakily-standing-tower of knowledge. Wohohoho.

Im not really in a very good luck cause i've got my period on the first day of school. What's more, ive been having diarrhea for the past few hours running to my toilet and this experience is really horrible.

Time is really, really tight now and if i don't buck up i would definitely lose out during prelims.
There's chinese o level coming up next tuesday and also chemistry O level SPA skill 3. O level Listening would be on my birthday 17th July. (Yeah i know sian right)
Physics SPA would be on week 4. Gotta clear all these so i can be at ease.

There's just so much work to be done when i think about it. And of course my english, social studies as well as my literature needs to be polished really, really a lot. Math, POA, Physics least worries me because i know where i am supposed to work on. To be honest, i've really no idea how am i going to pass my chemistry in O levels because i simply just can't find any drive to give any f*** about it anymore. I know its really wasteful and all but even if you take a knife and threaten me to study i wouldn't. I dont know why i have such strong hatred towards this subject. Of course, i really want to do well, i mean who doesnt right? I think im just going to press on and see what i squeeze out of myself within the next few months provided im comfortable with my core subjects.

I really want to see myself blossom when prelim comes and results will show that im working towards my goals.

I've also realised that i've been having so much negative thoughts like, ' What if i screwed up my SPA and there is no way that my written papers can save me? ' ' What if i blank out? ' ' What if i work hard but my results doesnt show? ' Well screw all this negative thoughts cause im gonna conquer them! Sitting around worrying all day isnt gonna change my Cs to As, and neither will it let me PASS my chemistry. So i've found this quote to remind myself when im flooded with negative thoughts. ' Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't, you're right. ' - Henry Ford. Its a quote that my trainer Kelvin in Mindchamps when i've attended it back in secondary 1 kept reminding us about. Having a positive mindset is very important as it really gives you the motivation to carry on no matter how tough it gets. There is absolutely no point whinning because NO ONE GIVES A DAMN. At the end of the day, you suffer because you get horrid results BECAUSE you cannot change your mindset to tell yourself YOU CAN, so therefore you dont even bother TRYING. Im someone who is afraid of failures and im overcoming this obstacle now. ' I AM powerful beyond measure ', and i believe that so long as i have faith in myself, i can push through anything.

Sorry for the naggy post cause i felt inspirational-ish all of a sudden. :)
Well, my next post would be about a special someone in my life and i will be updating on Monday night.
See ya on Monz! xoxo.

Hi there!

Okay the time is 12.21AM, Saturday which means im left with my last saturday to enjoy before i go back to school. You know ive been playing so hard till i didnt know time flies. If you actually count the start of O levels, which is 22nd of October. We are only left with 3 months till O levels, not counting October because its useless rushing through last minute. Its really scary how time flies so fast and you're definitely not prepared for a major exam. This exam that i would be seating for in october will determine rather most of the rest of my life of which path i would go. Yeah, the stake's high, i know that.

I promise that i would study hard and give in my 101% effort to pay attention in class and not to slack off and do meaningless things like how i did in June. I do not want to look back and regret for the rest of my life due my immaturity at that point of time.

So, here's my plan till Os:
1) Get sufficient sleep: Sleep at 11pm everyday
2) complete ALL my homework on the day itself
3)

MON- CHEMISTRY

TUES- MATH & POA

WEDS-PHYSICS

THURS-ENGLISH, SS,LIT

FRI-CHEMISTRY

SAT-MATH

SUN-PHYSICS

THINGS TO BE DONE:
Do 4 paper 1 and 2 Emath paper every week
Do 2 physics mock paper, complete 1 chapter of longman every week
Write an expository/narrative and situational every week
Read through 3 themes of ss by end of 3 weeks
Practice 2 SBQ questions every week
 Read my Things Fall Apart (Yes i havent read! shit!)
 Learn poetic techniques ( Consult mdm sabina )


4) Wednesday is a late night mugging day
5) Gym every Saturday after math tuition


My list of stuff seems impossible but i guess i should train myself to be discipline if i really want to achieve outstanding results next year Jan and crying in joy.

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Okay enough about all these serious stuff.
Recently ive been to food courts and ive just forgotten just how yummy food court food are and definitely much cheaper than restaurants!

On monday i ate at Tampines 1 food court. They have this Yong Tau Foo stall which sells 7pieces including noodles for just 4.00! They have have lots of yummy variety ranging from fried wanton to all-time favourite tou foo, crab sticks, veggie, seaweed, like anything that you want will be there! Totally worth it! Oh, i love the yellow noodles, dont know why! :)