Victoria

I dont understand why im always being used and stomped all over and being left behind when they dont need me anymore. You tell me that your friends didnt ask you out because they have each other, dont you do that to me too after consultations? Same goes to you. Once you've gotten your girl, what am i to you? Everyone just come and go whenever they like into my life. Im a pretty sentimental person and i will form deep emotional connection with everyone that ive meet. When its being formed and they suddenly just decided to leave, i feel so parched. People do that so often that i sometimes feel that im inhumane to them, that im a lifeless creature taking form in a human's body. I have feelings too, and i really dont like it. Im never the most important in anyone's lives. Maybe thats the reason why i like to force myself to think that everything is just temporary, and shut everyone out because its easier that way. However, it gets pretty lonely too but its better than being faced with disappointments everyday. Perhaps i shall stop being so nice to everyone because everyone takes it for granted. Im tired of being pushed around and be the person to look for as a substitute. Sure, i can put up a fake front in front of you because im tolerant, i just dont know how long i can hold it back in. This unsettling, disturbing feeling just keeps haunting me every single day. I should have never been amiable, perhaps i can save myself from such forms of heartache. I always think whats the best for others but never for myself, i just cant bear to make those people around me unhappy. I gusss i have to distant myself from them for awhile before i can move on with my life. Hmm. Till then!

Useless is a word to describe me. Im often being described as a weakling because i cannot seem to live without the support from others. Whenever im faced with problems, i tend to explode into tears because i dont know what to do. I will feel so frightened, like battling those problems alone. And thats when i turn to bennett, who will unconsciously make me smile again without even trying. He seems to understand every kind of mood that im in and knows how to soothe me. He's like an older brother who never fails to take care of a younger sister like me who would crumble without his support. I cant be more thankful to have met such a great friend like him. All those crazy chases around parkway, emotional drama of guys, academic problems, even when im at my worst. He's someone who has stuck with me through thick and thin and doeant judge me no matter how ridiculous my ideas or thoughts were. Even though he is always busy with everything else, he always makes time for me to talk to me to make me feel better. He's also my source of inspiration to strive for the impossible such as going into temasek junior college with him because he believed in me. Yes, i take every single word of his very seriously because ive always looked up to him as a role model. I really wouldnt know how life would be like without him, and its scary if one day god decides to take him away from me, what would i do? I feel that im such a heavy burden for bennett to bear because im so over reliant, but he never showed signs of irritation. I feel so annoying and i really wish that i can be strong enough to face my problems myself. Ive hesitated to call him once or twice because i know i'll be disturbing him, but gave in and called because of my ragging emotions from within that i just couldnt take it anymore. Bennett, if you are reading this, im sorry for being such a pest these few years, and i know that i havent been there for you when you need me because i dont think you do anyway. But thankyou, for everything that you've sacrificed for me like your sleep with our late night calls and your time. You're such a great friend.

3 more days till the end of Os. I really cant wait! I always feel so crappy whenever i see people posting up pictures of them playing on instagram or working when im like stuck with 3 more days of Os. I mean come on! I want this hell to be done and over with! Anyway, its the 4th day of my diet today and wow to be honest ive never stick with it for more than 2 days. #achievementunlocked Hope i will lose those extra weight and look nice in my prom dress. Ultimately its to leave those people who kept calling me fat nothing left to say. So wait you bastards. Recently, i've just realized that people fall into different hierachy in the society. People from different categories just dont get along because their way of life and their thoughts are completely different. Sometimes i dont feel that i fit in during physics tuition because everyone there are so smart and their presence always remind me of how i can never match up to them. Same goes for my bestie who is just smart and whatever i say just makes me look dumb in front of her. On the other hand, i can never understand how some people just like to throw their lives away by playing everyday. I really hate people who dont take charge of their own lives or at least try and all they can ever think of is to play. Yes i can be tolerant to some extend but once you step over the line by forcing me to play along with you and disregard my priority you are ruled out of my life. I will not hesitate to cut you off from my life because thats for the best for me. Im not being selfish, i just know my priorities. On top of that, i really hate idiots who bore me with their endless talking which i dont give a flying fish AND giving me a cold shoulder. Please, look at yourself before stepping over the line. I have to be tolerant of your incessant talking about stuffs which bore me to death and pretend that i actually care to be nice and all you do is to give me attitude? Oh what a child's play. I have no interest in keeping you in my life in the long term anyway. Shall save my energy for more important stuff. Totally not worth it. *yawns* Godness im becoming more and more bitchy. I shall stop with my rants. Till then!

Every now and then i will get a little nostalgic whenever i see your updates, but nah. Im not upset over you anymore. Actually, ive stopped being upset over you because ive wasted too much tears and time earnestly trying to win you back. Little did i know that you dont deserve me. You dont even come across my mind anymore for like a year and its surprisingly odd for someone as emotional as me. Well, i used to describe myself that ' im a weak little flower that will be blown away by the slightest gust of the wind. ' but boy this little flower turned rigid and firmly standing tall. The pain that you had given me was excruciating, but nonetheless ive learnt more about you. You are just someone who would get bored and move on and hoping that you can get someone better. Oh sweetie, please be realistic, no one will ever be ever to tolerate your hot temper, your bossy little attitude and your clingy behaviour. Just saying;) its your loss, not mine. Believe what you want, but everyone clearly knows you are the one who had sinned and you should be ashamed. Tata! Anyway, cant wait to get the mcqs done and over with. Geeesh, its like a never ending suspense that is slowly manifesting as each day goes by. I will see my freedom on Friday! I will get full marks for all my mcqs! POSITIVE VIBES WOOOHOOOO!!! ++++++++

Today i had seen a movie that had changed my life forever. I was sitting infront of my computer and negative thoughts came to haunt me again. I felt like it was a never ending cycle that is out to torment me. I texted gaolei, my senior last year, who introduced me to this movie called The Secret: laws of attraction. In the movie, it has taught me that through three steps i could achieve whatever i want to in my life. Ask, answer and receive. Always ask the universe for what you want, and as what the movie said ' treat the universe as a catalogue and tell the universe what you want by writting it down or thinking about it' we always have to visualize the goal that we have in mind and believe in it. In order to do so, we must filter out all the negative thoughts in our mind and turn them into positives. For example, if i want to be a physicist, i must think that i will be a physicst and not its impossible or i wish i can because thats not what affirming your thoughts is. When you think positive, it will send a signal to the universe that will give u whatever u want at the right place and the right time. Thinking negatively will send out a negative signal to the universe and it will also send it back at you. Now you see why when you have a bad day it is being prolonged the whole day because u kept thinking about the shit that has happened to you. With that, the universe will answer to your wishes and grant it to u and you are to receive it. Receiving means taking into account of every single detail that leads to your ultimate goal and not reject or doubt it. All my life i kept thinking how miserable my life is and how ive worked so much harder than the others but dont get what i want. It doesnt make sense, right? Today, i know that its because i kept putting myself down by telling people how stress i feel, how useless i am and dwell on my incapabilities and what i cant have. I am the obstacle to my goals and all along i didnt see it till this very day. It really changes the mindset that i have. Ive always not dared to dream, for the fear that my dreams will be dashed and i will be left with nothing but disappointments. If i dont believe in myself, who else can? From today, i can visualize myself sitting infront of miss morni and miss yang with smiles on their faces and congratulating me for how well ive done. I will be there, bursting into tears of joy and i will go up and hug yunhan and break the news to him. I will see his face light up and hug me back tightly and we share the joy together. I will be in Temasek Junior College where i will spend my 2 years in the same school as bennett and yunhan like ive promised and i will be studying physics, chemistry, math and economics/literature. Yes, that will happen. I am not going to be negative anymore and im going to start believing in myself that i can do it. I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MY MEASURE. Temasek junior college, i will be there next year. (: "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" W. Clement Stone

Im writting this blog post about an amazing woman who had impacted my life greatly. She, is my math tuition teacher miss kerk. Ive first known her after my mother has found her on an online website as my tutor since secondary 2. My first impression of her when she walked to my doorsteps was 'wow, she is one meticulous teacher' judging by her neatly bunned up hair and her thick black spectacles. She was always dressed with her fabourite black round neck shirt with a big button on the left. At first, i really thought that she is just an ordinary teacher. But day after day it past by and i grew fonder of her. She really put her heart and soul into teaching and i could feel it that motivated me to start doing well for math. I gave her disappointments after disappointments. I failed my secondary 2 final year exams even though ive put in lots of effort. The breaking point of me was when i failed my midyear and my final year sec 3 exams which i really felt so disheartened and that im deemed to fail my math forever. I felt so broken that i almost lost hope in myself and all the determination which burnt so bright and furious in me. I was crying endlessly but she told me not to give up. She had sent me long text with lots of happy emoticons to cheer me up. Although it took awhile for me to get back on track, it was her who was there for me and pushed me not to give up. If i did that time, my math would end up in flames just like my chemistry which i never grew passion in it. It was Finally the sec 4 mid year exams that ive managed to get a B4 for my math. I was so exhilrated that i broke into tears of joy, that unexplainable happiness bursts within you and you feel as though you're on cloud 9. Even though my prelims slipped and got a C5, she kept on encouraging me that its the ultimate goal that matters: O levels. Whatever my o level for my math is, im still really grateful that she had put in her heart and soul into teaching me. I could never ever repay her kindness and her sacrifice she had made for me. All those memories that ive had with her will always be etched to my heart: athe long smiley texts, the days where she fetched me from school in her car back home, the heartwarming smile that greets me and her words of encouragement before she leaves my doorstep, those saturday morning tuition. Now that my Math o level is over, my saturdays seemed so empty without her presence. It really seem like my daily routine has been switched and my saturdays are free. It felt so weird, so surreal. Its just like a part of me being ripped away and leaving me with a parched soul. She can never be described in words because she is beyond greatness. I would miss her so bad. I admit that i even cry sometimes when i think of her. Yeah, yeah im sentimental and emotional. But hey, who wouldnt miss her? Im sure other students would miss her as much as me. Miss kerk, thankyou for the 2 years of fond memories that we've shared. I will never forget you. (: you are the best teacher that ive ever had. You are the greatest gift that god could ever give to me.

Sometimes in life we often take things for granted just because they are always there for you when you need them, just like how your mother will always be there for you unconditionally. When ive thought back about this year, my life was really a mess, even on new year's eve when i dwelled over a guy that was taken which, i admit, i really really liked back in my primary school days. Guess i was just a moment too late. But oh well! Being in temasek secondary for the last year really excites me because, like ive said a many thousand of times, that i cannot wait to get out of this hell hole. I've always thought that my life would suck throughout my secondary four years. Yes, sometimes it sucked, but things turned out better. Somehow, i started becoming real close to azizah and yixian whom had became my best friends in temasek. Ive also met many random awesome people along the way and got close with like hema and karan. Of course, some had always stayed as good friends. What was the turning point in my life was the guy that sat right beside me during the 1st lesson in chemistry lab. Sure, we often talked a little and poked fun at each other during titration in the midst of preparing for our spa. However, we didnt really speak to each other outside the lab. One day, he decided to text me after our end of year chemistry paper and we started to text. As he seemed like a really typical-oh-so-nice-and-innocent guy, i made the effort to continue texting him and it turned out to be a daily routine. I started pouring out all my deepest darkest secrets to him that i would have never told anyone and trusted him more and more when the days go by. He is indeed a reliable and trustworthy guy that any girl who die to have as their 'gay guy friend' because he never judges, and trust me, he doesnt. At the start of the year, i was still very lovestruck and fantasize about a really attractive guy, whom of course i knew, would never be with me even if i had dream. He was the one who brought me out of my fantasy and started telling me to give it up because i deserved better. And yes, it is definitely true. However, i started to treat him really bad because i knew he was someone who will not retaliate even when its downright my fault and im being unreasonable. I can go to the extend whereby i could feel anger coursing through my veins to my hands that tempted me to slap him because of his minor flaws (like being late, being lazy). Deep down i know that he is a great guy, but sometimes anger caught hold of me and i became very impulsive. Of course, i never beat him duh, i was just exaggerating but you get my point. Everytime when the anger subsides, i will feel a surge of guilt flowing within me and when i think back, i had definitely made a big fuss out of something so insignificant. Sometimes, i really feel that i think too highly of myself that whatever he does is useless that made me feel that way. Maybe its just the strong willpower to push anyone away who wants to disrupt my path to succeed ( which is scoring well for Os right now) and i am that kind of person who would really cut off all contacts with my friend if he/she doesnt place any value in their studies/lazy/incompetent. To you if you are reading this: Im sorry. I will definitely change for the better after Os and i can think more clearly when all these stress subside. Right now, i need to finish my last subject and i need to focus. And, thankyou for everything (:

Like everyone else on this world. Im flawed. Im never perfect. These flaws seems to mould me into someone that I would really hate if I were to become another person. I have anger issues. Yes, I may seem calm, cheerful and everything but I have so much resentment in me that I vent at anyone and snap at everyone. The worst person that faces all my angers is actually yunhan. I would yell at him when he doesn’t tell me what he wants to say clearly like where and when to meet or what is his intention of doing certain things. I can’t stand his laziness and his lack of sensitivity towards my feelings. I cant stand it when he is late just for a few minutes, I can’t stand him asking too many questions because it irritates me. I would go to extreme ends to express my anger by pushing him away and yell at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. Ironically, It was the exact same thing that B did to me because he always thinks that he is so mighty and im inferior towards him. I feel exactly the same towards yunhan; going around thinking that im superior and he must give in to me. I have no idea how he can stand my temper throughout these 8 months. I really hate myself for being so nasty towards such a great gentleman like him and it really heart wrenching to see him getting hurt and me being a monster. I constantly compare him towards his brother who is an overachiever and constantly complained about his looks when he is always the one complementing me constantly whenever I feel insecure and even sending ‘Good morning, beautiful!’ everyday. I always take his messages and his tolerance for granted. Who knows one day he might snap and he will be gone forever. I really salute him for being able to stand my anger. Because of yunhan’s tolerance, he had let this monster grow in me. I constantly feel angry when things don’t go my way. It was until I snapped when B didn’t reply my text and rejected my call. I seriously feel like stabbing myself for being so selfish and thinking about myself all the fucking time. I constantly feel that im better than everyone at everything and I must be the best at everything. If I don’t, I will feel like a major loser and blame myself for being so useless. I am definitely guilty at looking down at people and I have no idea why I subconsciously do that. Im not so great and mighty myself. I expect a lot from myself. It may be because that my mother had to give up her education at TJC because she didn’t even have enough money and I want to get a high paying job so that she doesn’t have to live day by day on her pay and save up her money just to spend on me. I’ve been given the luxury of having my own room, study table and a perfect family. What more could I ever want from them? My mother had never stress on education. She would always tell me to try my very best, and that’s all that mattered to her. However, it was more than that for me. Im so driven to do well in life and I had the mindset that if I graduate with flying colors from university I was able to get what I wanted; materialistic wealth. After 10 years of my life studying, I kind of figured out that studying isn’t my forte. I push, I pushed myself so hard that I constantly break down because I constantly being reminded that I wasn’t good enough by the school and my grades. Deep down inside, I know that in incapable and that is already my best because trust me, when I say I work hard, I work 10x harder than anyone else. I had never gotten what I want. Everyone had their A*s and their 240-260 scores in their PSLE and im a loser with 233 after working so much harder than them. I thought secondary school would be different but it is just all the same. I can even tell that my primary school 6/4 friends look down on me when I told them ive gotten B3 for my Chinese after retaking it for the second time when no one fell below an A2 in their first attempt. I felt like a complete loser with no direction ahead of me. My future seems so bleak because all I ever do was give my best, but apparently I have to accept that best wasn’t good enough. It never will be for the society. Am I so useless? I fail at so many things that im forced to believe that im not gonna make it. It hurts. Maybe I had chosen the wrong school to be in. Honestly, when I had first stepped into temasek, I don’t even feel that I belong. 4 years had gone by and nothing has changed. I still feel the same way I did 4 years ago. Somehow, I feel that Im able to bloom if im somewhere else, somewhere but this school which I don’t belong. It had been tortuous for me. Ive lost my group of friends, ive lost the passion for the things that actually matter like class manager because of incapable- I shall not say. I wasn’t given enough attention and practice because of my Chinese teacher in secondary three who is seriously irresponsible. For the first time in my life, I had never felt so lonely before after he had left me. I felt like it was the end of the world because he used to be such a huge part of my life. I lost everything. I came to temasek with nothing and leave with no good memories being forged. The only wish that I ever want is to get 6 points for my o levels to get Into TJC and escape this hellhole forever. Ive lost 4 years of my precious life trying to figure out who I really am and where I fit. For an insecure girl who constantly needs attention and company, I really needed so much courage and strength just to be alone. However, I grown stronger. I’ve grown independent and had learnt to rely on nobody but myself. The only person that kept me sane was my dearest best friend. I still remember that pact I had made with her when I was back in secondary 1, sitting at tanah merah platform texting her after ive gotten my term 1 progress report. Time flew, and its O levels. I don’t even know that I can make it to the same jc as her, and im just gonna feel so devastated when I receive my results next year, thinking that how my stupidity had caused me my chance of being in the same jc as her. I really, really love her so much. She saw me through the lowest point in my life. She really did. Looking back, ive hurt so many people in the progress of pursuing my studies. Ive always snapped at anyone who will get in my way of my studies, and I even cut ties with a dear friend because she always wanted to go out with me but I didn’t had the time and I felt that she was a hindrance towards my goal. I don’t even know those sacrifices are worth it. Right now, all I can do is to look forward and pray that my future after graduating from temasek will be a better one. Trust me, anywhere is better than temasek. I even urge my brother not to go to temasek because it sucks like shit in so many ways, especially with a screwed up Chinese department forcing people to drop hcl when they don’t the requirements, firing squads, forcing people to drop subjects just because our prelims are bad. Fuck this school. Im gonna be out of this school soon and im never coming back. Never.