Victoria

When I was younger, my parents would always bring me out every weekend, and sometimes to carnivals and tourist attractions like the annual Flower display in Sentosa, River Hongbao. I remembered how I really wanted to buy a souvenir from every event that I go to - maybe a toy from a carnival, over priced drink after a long walk in sentosa.

 I just couldn't understand why they couldn't afford spending that a few extra dollars when all the other kids could buy whatever they could, multiple toys, holding popcorn in one hand and cotton candy on the other walking around. I get so jealous and I've always been so angry thinking about why I have what other kids have.

Every single time when my family goes out, we go out to foodcourt and hawker centres while everytime when I ask my friends and they said they are in high class  restaurants every single day, trying dishes real abalone and shark fins soup or I have never heard of and places I have never been to.

My dad's who has 3 other friends and their family have this gathering on either christmas or new year eve on one person's house on a rotational basis every year. I remembered how everyone else was living in a bigger house, condo or private semi D while im living in a flat. I felt inferior, and embarrassed when it's our turn to hold a gathering at our place because we couldn't afford a private room with projectile to screen movie, or have a corner with many cool toys for kids to play with.

By the time I was 12, I needed tuition. I remembered how I was denied having more tuition because it was too expensive for my family to afford. I hardly asked anything from my parents and when I do, I really just want to do well. That day I locked myself up in my room and cried so hard, feeling so angry and fustrated because I feel like I've asked for something that is reasonable and wanting to improve my grades so bad. It's not like I've ask them to buy me an xbox or anything that fell into the category as a want as a 12 year old kid.

There was a point of time where bay blade and Yu gi oh/pokemon cards were so popular and everyone seem to be hoping onto the trend of investing money in them. I could only afford fake ones while everyone else had authentic ones. Once they found out about it, they would laugh at me, so badly.

Everyone could fly to everywhere they wanted every single year, or the fortunate ones fly more than once a year to far away countries like UK, USA and you get so envious because you are hearing stories about those countries from them and will never get to experience and actually feel how its really like to be there.

By the time I'm 18, social media became such a huge part of our lives that it became unavoidable to be kept up to date with other's lives especially with instagram. It just seems like everyone has a very beautiful bedroom with wooden floorings and wide windows, king size beds, extremely large shower tub whenever they take selfies around their house, or always having many outfits from many different blogshops accompanied with a branded bag like Gucci, LV. I reuse my outfit and wearing clothes that has no brand.

I am about to receive my A level results, and the feeling of fear striked me. It's going to be a make it or break it situation. I don't open up to my parents because they don't seem to understand what I'm going through. The stress, the immense pressure to fight with thousands of other singaporeans to get into university. I tried to seek comfort in them and asked them if i could go overseas to pursue my studies if i really couldn't make it for my A levels, all I ever hear was, ' We got no money '.

Every single time I feel like im being denied of choices because I'm 'poor' in this society. I felt like im at a disadvantage in everything I do because I'm not rich or well off. I really hate it when everything that my family talks about is how money is never enough, how my mum's bank account left not even a single cent after my secondary 4 while my brother was having his PSLE at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my parents at all.

I just hate them feeling like money is never enough. I know I'm not relative poverty to the point that it's difficult to life day by day. I have a roof on top of my head, I eat so much awesome food. I'm pretty well off and I SHOULD be contented with my life. I just hate to hear that my family always say that they don't have enough money, and how they have to worry and source for money from others or use savings just to get by. I hate it when money is a problem and a worry for my family, especially my mum. 

It just breaks my heart everytime I have to see my mum being an aunty buying 10 dollar clothes for herself from This Fashion, putting down a 50 dollar dress when she really wanted it but it was too expensive for her and she will find some excuse like ' it's not like im gonna wear it often' not to buy it. When she comes home with packs of salmon, sushi, half of a spring chicken for my brother and she buys the cheapest thing that she could find in the foodcourt like a plate of chicken rice. 

She never ever buys starbucks for herself when she goes there but for the both of us. I feel awful seeing her being so thrifty about little things so that we can lead a better and comfortable life. I know she is a very simple minded person and is easily satisfied with little joys in life but just as the saying goes every mother wants the best for her daughter, every daughter wants the best for her mum too.

This is why I'm so driven; driven to do well in life.

Determined to earn a lot of money so that my family could stop worrying about money and live a life that they are worth of. In a big house, drive Mercedes Benz down PIE, anything they want or wished they could have but never had a chance to. Every single time I have this not to give up mentality no matter how tough life got. The mindset of 'You have no other choice, you don't have the money to have other options, you HAVE to make it in life' in order to give my parents a deserving life when they retire.

Yes, it's not a problem, there isn't any problem being in the middle income group. It's just so difficult for singaporeans like us not to chase materialistic goals because let's just face it, how to avoid feeling competitive when you live in an increasing income gap every single year and everyone wants to fall on the richer side of singaporeans.

I dont want to live in a world in the future whereby my children are being denied of the best educators, the option to go overseas to study if they didn't make the cut, the ability to enjoy their holidays not just in singapore but overseas to broaden their view of how other countries are like. Most importantly, I don't want them to be denied of medical treatment when they fall ill. I don't want my children to feel like they are inferior to anybody because they don't have the money.

That being said, it's just a wish.

A wish that every middle income family child would want: To be rich and let their family live a luxurious life in the future. 

Many people have different definition of luxurious, but for me... so long as money isn't an obstacle when you have to make a decision such as wanting a family getaway overseas to any parts of the world and money isn't a problem.

With all that being said, of course happiness is the most important, for my family, for me, for anyone. Money doesn't give you happiness, but you wouldn't be happy when you are living day by day having to worry about it. 

Ever wondered how it's like working for the ever long queue for the all time popular yogurt that everyone craves for?

I've been working in llaollao for close to a month now, and I must say working at llaollao is so much different from previous part time jobs that I hold over the past few years. Even though I've only been there for a short period of time, it's the job that had taught me the most over the short period of time. Read till the very end to see the transition of how I felt over the past one month.

Why did I choose to join llaollao?

I actually didn't had llaollao in mind, but my friend wanted to join llaollao so we decided to go for it together. However, she backed out in the end but I stayed because I have a very curious mind for everything - I wanted to experience new working environment and meet new people, so I went for it.

On my first day, I was told that I needed to do a full 13 hour shift. I thought it would be alright because Im used to long working hours. So hey, why not? I was never so wrong. I had to serve the endless crowd that usually starts after 2pm and it goes on till closing, and im sure everyone knows how long the queue for llaollao can be. It was continuous rushing around from the yogurt machine, the crunch, fruits and sauce section for few hours non stop. We were told to work fast because we needed to clear as much crowd as possible. I got so dizzy after the first few hours I couldn't be bothered to smile.

Being at work on the first day my swirl for the yogurt was horrendous. When I saw others doing it for me when I was a customer they did it effortlessly. It's not easy to swirl a perfect sanum because the yogurt is soft and you must adjust the pressure against the handles of the machine so that it doesn't flow out too fast, yet you are working under the time which makes you panic. One wrong turn and your sanum looks horrible. I got displeasing stares from customers when I made my first few sanum but thank god they didn't make my life horrible and demanded another one. I was really lucky. 

By the time we close I couldn't feel my legs, or open my mouth to talk because that day we were shorthanded and there were only 3 people running the shop. We still had to do the dreaded closing of shop that took nearly two hours. Never would I have thought working there would be so exhausting, even more exhausting than working banquet. Now when I look back at the times my friends warned me llaollao is very busy and I told them, ' What can be worse than doing banquet? Chill guys! ' Im such an idiot.

The following week I dreaded to go to work. I dreaded it so much I literally dragged my feet into the shop. I'm someone who likes things to be flexible, because I believe that if different ways doing the same thing achieves the same result I don't see why not. 

I felt so restricted and afraid to help out with opening except to top up crunch/sauce/fruits because whatever I did I was being criticized. 

Little things like I couldn't cut fruits in a certain way though I still get cubes, arranged the cups a little unevenly, I cannot use towel to wipe up the sauce on the counter but tissue and making my yogurt a little bit taller made me dreaded work even more. 

I felt like I wasn't needed because whatever I did I was being criticized at and things weren't flexible. I couldn't find a reason to how things operate, but I had to suck it up and do what I'm supposed to. That explained my black face whenever I work, and why I never ever smile.

I hated it, dreaded every hour, minute down to the seconds of it.

I was assigned to kitchen for the first time, and I had to cut tubs and tubs of different fruits. I thank god I didn't have to run around like headless chicken serving people after people. BUT NO, this is worse. 

I did my thing, I cut so many fruits, as fast as I could. I was the only one cutting the fruits but it came and go because it needed refill. When I got off work I was so happy to be released from what I deemed as hell, and went to watch movie with my friend, a much needed break from juggling multiple jobs and one job that I particular dread of going. I came out of the cinema, only to receive blasts of scoldings from many, saying that I didn't cut enough fruits and everyone is panicking, and I wipped the melon seeds away with the dryer.

 I just broke down in tears and I was ready to quit, there and then. I told myself that I didn't have to stay to take on all these suffering. I just finished a movie with a good friend I couldn't spend much time with and it was AFTER my shift, why don't I deserve my break from it? It's just like a blackhole, sucking all the happiness thats left out of me. Thoughts like, 'It's after my work damn it!' and 'I did whatever I could and i got scolded even for following the rules and doing my shit'. I went down and wanted to apologize for my mistakes and quit on the spot because I just couldn't stand the tough environment I was in. 

Call me weak, but I'm not someone who can take rigid working style, people with major OCDs and people who just follow orders. Many a times I tried to bend the rules a little because I did what I think it's right on the spot, such as giving two dips of sauce for customers because I really gave very little on the first, or give more sauce cause my sanum looked super, super out of shape, making my sanum a little taller because I gave too little fruits cause the fruits they wanted was going to run out.

I kept getting scolded for these little things, things I dont understand why we couldn't work around.

I was then told by my manager that I could have asked for help with the fruits, and I could have asked for more people in the kitchen. I was like thinking, 'How do you expect me to open my mouth and ask for these kind of things when whatever I do you all seem to say no, no, no. ' Nobody dared to do anything. They just followed orders like blind mice because they live in a feared working condition. I didn't like that.

I don't know why, but that day when I got reprimanded by my manager something she said came to me. She told me how things worked here. My views changed, completely.

Teamwork.

Running a shop with long queues everyday needed much teamwork, be it whatever roles you play. We needed to work together as a team in order for things to be done. There must be camaraderie between workmates. It wasn't like a 9 to 5 job where you just do what you're supposed to do and then you leave for the day. 

When I didn't cut enough fruits  for the evening shift, everyone came down to help, even those who aren't supposed to be on shift. They cut fruits for MY mistakes when it's not even their job. They helped their friends to speed up the process by remaining in the kitchen even though it isn't their role or aren't down for work.

 I went down and saw with my own eyes how one another supported each other and it really got to me. I felt so horrible dragging people down for work and deter them from doing their part but they never blamed me but comforted me even though we aren't close. There wasn't any blame game or pointing fingers. They didn't make me feel like I'm a bad person for not doing my job well. They gave me a chance to redeem myself. 

The very next day I was called back for work because my friend was sick. I hesitated to take her shift because I was traumatized by what happened, afraid of how judgemental eyes would be set on me when I walk into the shop and everyone would ostracized me cause I messed up. It was never what I expected. I was greeted with smiles and a warm cny eve wishes from the people I have never really talked to during my shifts back then. One told me to start anew and that she would guide me along. She made so much effort to talk to me even though I was still on my bitch mode face and my why am I here attitude.

" 做工要笑笑！" was what she said repeatedly and it eventually got me to smile and started talking.

 Others came in to help me cut fruits even though it wasn't their role, and I'm really thankful that I didn't have to go through it alone.

The people there showed me the true meaning of teamwork and how everyone gave their very best at work. Because if one person slacks off, others have to carry on the weight of two person's tasks. I didn't really have much projects back school so I didn't really get to experience the true meaning of teamwork much because everyone pretty much do what they do.

My manager also told me how she got fired even before she got hired because her sanum was horribly looking, but she told them this, 

'I want to learn, please let me learn. '

and she really did, considering she is now the manager.

It made me rethink about my decision to stick around in llaollao though i hated it so much initially. I wanted to learn. I want to learn and take away as many skills I can from working there. Little did I know I've forgotten the true skills that I could actually take home; the ability to work together with others, strengthen my sense of responsibility because every action of mine has effects on others, learning that there isn't anything that is wrong or prohibited until you ask to confirm it. 

Without fear, there wouldn't be order. 

Everything would be so chaotic, imagine if there is only one person during a certain shift because everyone else cancelled their shifts? Or when everyone choose to slack off and bully the newcomers to do everything? Though i'm still not supportive in a work place with fear, I believe that its essential to get things going, and thats why bosses always seem to be the bad guy.

I would be lying if i said I dont dread going to work and facing the endless crowd or staring into blank space chopping up fruits like a zombie, but it's the people that make it a hell lot better. It makes me feel like whatever happens, everyone has got your back.

Now you see why this isn't a typical job. It makes you learn and grow to be a better team player, a better person with good work qualities. It's not a one man show kind of job, it's the whole team. I've only been here for awhile, but I forsee more scoldings because i'm just a clumsy and oblivious person that makes stupid mistakes, however this time I would take it as I have to learn from my mistakes. Because after all, this is the reason i'm still around isn't it?

It's the festive season again with all the bright red new year decorations covering the whole town and it's when Bee Cheng Hiang makes the most profit during the month. As much as I love collecting ang bows from relatives, there are things that makes me dread chinese new year as much as I love it too.

1) Hi there, you are?

Every year my parents would bring me to one relative's house each day and we would spend the whole day there. Even though every year it's the same bunch of relatives coming to the house every year, I don't even know most of them. I remember their faces, not their names. It's not like I should be making the effort to know them because there isn't any point because I'm just going to see them once a year and I wouldn't hear from them for the rest of the year. I just feel out of my comfort zone because I'm surrounded by people that I dont even know. Every year without fail I would always find a comfortable spot and sit, or rather hide there for the rest of the day and wish time would pass faster as I repeatedly refresh my Instagram and twitter for more feeds to entertain myself the entire time. And sometimes I can't even do that because it's a courtesy to talk to others. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Put down your phone, let's talk

My mum doesn't enforce me to do that but I know other families would ask their child to put away their mobile devices or gaming device because they are playing too much. I just don't get what else you want a 15 year old boy or 19 year old girl to do besides to entertain themselves with their technological devices. Honestly, there is nothing entertaining on my phone most of the time and that's just the best I could do to past time. Even if you take away our devices, the only thing we would do is to stare at the television in the living room that plays a show that has been repeatedly playing over the past few chinese new year or a show so old that guy actors have hair with centre parting and wear round specs.

3) Go away, adults only!

It's a tradition for everyone to gather around and play mahjong and cards to gamble every chinese new year. I don't know if there are people like me, but I am clueless in all these stuffs. People who gamble are usually the older generations and mostly the uncles so even if I do know how to play I won't get to join them because thats the "adult table" where all the kids are forbidden to go i.e. Me.

4) You must study hard so that you will have a good life

I never fail to hear this sentence every single time. For goodness sake it's been declared a public holiday for a reason and I dont need you to remind me what duties I have as a student. Studying hard doesn't guarantee you a good life, especially when we live in Singapore whereby a degree holder doesn't mean you get a job, just saying.

5) Your child go what school?

Everytime when I tell them I come from TPJC they just look at me from top to bottom and replied, ' oh'  and walk away or change topic. They never ever make me feel so awful of myself or rather stupid. In their eyes, if you don't fall in the top few schools, you would be labelled as stupid. I'm just sick and tired of relatives being so judgemental of what school I go to that defines my intelligence or my self worth. I would sheepishly smile and try to stay polite when they tell me, ' TPJC no good why you go there? ' Im sorry but I really feel like slapping you there and then because you have no right to criticize my life choices or define whats good or bad, especially since the people who usually give me these kind of comments are people that didn't even make it into one. There, I said it. I know most of them couldn't get a proper education because of finances back then just like my mum, and I'm not saying they are uneducated but they just dont understand how the whole JC system works or how institutes are like now. It's just like saying driving a Mercedes isn't good because in their eyes they only know whats a Ferrari or Porsche.

6) Oh my, you've grown! Come, let's compare!

Nope, I've stopped growing when Im 14. I'm still the same height as I was 5 years ago. And no, I don't want you to comment on how different I look compared to last year if it's something nasty you're going to say. And no, I don't want to compare height or size with someone of the same age as me because there is such thing as insecurities. So don't drag me to stand side by side with someone else and let you shoot comments of who is taller, thinner, prettier. No, just dont.

7) Ah girl, got boyfriend ah?

I only see you once a year, why are you asking me something so personal? Unless you are someone close to me since I'm young don't ask people such personal questions.

8) Let's go to the temple!

I really hate, HATE being dragged to temple and spend an hour or two there. I only go there because I respect my grandma. I'm sorry but I don't believe in anything as of now and I'm a freethinker. If you come from a family that is chinese-oriented you will be dragged to temples to pray every year because they believe it brings you good luck. The worse part is you can't say no to your parents because they will take it as you are disrespecting them. I just don't like the idea of being in a religion just because your parents are. It's not cool. I should have a say in what religion I want to believe in, and forcing me to go to temple doesnt make me a buddhist.

These are just some things that made me dread having chinese new year, but of course I love it because it gives me time to spend with my family members who I am close with. I'll always look forward to all the chinese new year goodies especially the love letters I get to eat, and the famous superb chicken wing at my relatives house. Of course, not forgetting the steamboat dinner and all the ang bows you get to collect from your relatives. I really wish I can have a chinese new year where I could truly enjoy myself and not just wishing it would end. Maybe this year?

Happy Chinese New Year in advance everyone and I hope that you will have a blessed one! 

I just came back from a group interview I had this evening. It made me think back about the times where I attended mass interviews.

The truth is, I never once succeeded through group interviews.

Why?

Because I'm Plain Jane, fearing that I don't stand out.

In a group of 10 people, I definitely wouldn't be the super gorgeous looking person, neither would I be the person who speaks as if he/she is giving a motivational speech. I don't have anything about me that screams, ' Hey it's me! Its Victoria! '. People wouldn't remember anything about me when I walk out of the interview room.  I can't give someone something to remember me for because I'm your average girl next door. Right now, Im still struggling to leave someone with an impression of me within that few minutes of interview. The only choice I'm left with is to be different. Different meaning I have to be quirky, I have to be daring and think out of the box. I have to try harder than everyone else, or else I will just fall flat.

Fearing that I can't impress you with my speech.

It's very difficult for someone who cannot express herself through words properly to do an interview and make them want to hire me. I stutter way too much because I'm very nervous, I will never ever make eye contact with anybody and look for empty spaces between people when I talk. I just couldn't handle the pressure that all eyes were on me when I speak, especially in a group interview where there are other people fighting to get the same job you are applying for as well. I don't know if it's just me who has this problem with group interviews, because I know I have been struggling so hard all my life to find a way to stand out. However, that's why I turn to blogging. It's only when I have this space that I can carefully think out my train of thought and write them down, It's only when I'm myself and alone that I'm able to really say what I have in my mind rather than blood rushing to my brain trying to think of ways to impress others and what to say.

The competition.

In an interview room with 20 other girls, even though it's just an interview, you would feel like it's a competition though it isn't. The company hiring another girl doesn't lessen your chance of getting in because they judge you individually how you perform during the interview. However, you will feel like that's the case because everyone is aiming for the same thing and it makes you feel inferior because you will feel that everyone in the room is better than you though you barely even know them. We're humans, we are made to feel like anything that has us aiming for the same thing like a competition. I always felt like giving up and not even trying in a group interview because I feel like there isn't a need to try because I know I won't get in anyway. But of course I definitely gave my best shot but I will always feel like whatever answers I had given is not better than the other people in the room.

If I would ever have a company, I would want the interview to be a one to one basis, because then would have more time with that one person to get to know about how he or she is like, more than what it's just the surface of it.

Because only people who are more outgoing ones are the one who would be able to make a good impression.

But that's just the surface of it. I would want to know how he or she is like as a person, the traits one possesses such as hardworking, trustworthy or even punctuality isn't something you can tell from a group interview with 3 questions. I don't see the point of being approachable and lively as the basis of whether I want to hire somebody, because what is beyond the positive and friendly vibe is more important to determine if you are a worthy employee of a certain company. I don't want to make them feel like they have to not only impress me, but impress everyone else in the room as well so that they can give the most honest answer as it's just one on one. Maybe then, I would be able to find someone who is shy yet can be as outgoing as those people once the person is familiar with the workplace and workmates who would do a great job too. However, it's group interviews are inevitable, especially with the increasing number of people wanting the same jobs. More popular part time jobs are flooded with so many applications and I guess they don't really have the time to do one on one and pick the best out of the rest through first impression.

Moral of the story?

Knowing how to make a lasting impression on your employer is important.

Be it a one to one interview and especially a group interview. Nobody is going to remember you because you don't give them something to remember you for. I know it's a struggle to let alone impress your employers if you are a plain jane like me, but know that everyone is different in their own ways and we just have to find it and embrace them. For me, I know that I'm a quite daring person if I want something badly, to the lengths that I would do ridiculous things just to make you remember me. I just came back from an interview this evening and I kind of tried it. I don't know the outcome of it yet but if I succeed, it just means that I finally found something that would make me stand out within a crowd of people. I will update this space again tomorrow and if I got through the interview. But that's my thoughts for now. What do you think about group interviews? Do you face the same fears as I do? Do comment and let me know because I'm really interested to hear and know that someone out there feels the same way as me. Till then!

edited: 7feb 8:45AM

I GOT IN! Sorry for the late update because I've totally forgotten about this post. More details will be up on my next post!