Victoria

I dont know how to feel now after prelim is over. To be honest, i just feel like im giving up as days go by.

Even though i can feel myself improving tremendously as compared from last year, it wasnt enough. What if i cant make it? Then what can i do? I know im not there yet, but i've done whatever i could over the SA2-Prelim period to save my ass and prove that im not just gonna fail all the way.

What killed me wasn't what i didn't know; but what i knew. 

Its funny how the things you know from the back of your head, and you just screw it up in the heat of the moment. Im talking about careless mistakes. Carelessness was never the problem with me, or the least problem i could care about. As time goes by, especially this year, i find myself being extremely careless. In that moment when you are doing the exam, you didnt even realize until its over even though your gut feeling tells you that something is terribly wrong. Mistakes like calculating the same set of values the second time and got an incorrect answer the second time when the first time was the right one, being stuck in a dead end at a question you swear you have done a million times before, (like a god damn million, million times) but it cant surface when you are doing the question. Maybe all these mistakes are surfacing up now because i know my content better and tend to overthink questions. I dont know if its a good thing or bad thing but it definitely isn't a mistake that i can afford during As.

It was like a domino effect; one after another paper, the careless killed me even more, spiralling into a series of disasters of my papers.

Before the september holidays everything was fine, or i thought the papers were fine. The very first paper i took after sept hols was Math p1. And genius me threw away maybe 16 marks just because my first step of Maclaurins was wrong(just genius). The very next day i had econs p2 in the afternoon which i couldnt finish because i misread the question and had to redo my third essay. Physics was just a god damn disaster with tons of errors in calculation.

I know there isnt a point in crying over whats done. I guess I have to make do with all the time that i have left and fix this persisting problem of mine.

Im still going to time myself whenever i do any paper because i will feel better under exam conditions. I would usually have a fever right after a math paper because it is a subject i couldnt really handle well under pressure.This time, it didnt happen. To be honest i felt fine, no headaches, no fever, nothing.

It took me long and forever to realize what was wrong with how i was studying; to mug blindly. I didnt had any interest in understanding concepts because i just want to do well for my exams and the fastest solution to it was to do papers after papers. It got me nowhere as seen in my o levels. It took me way too long to realize and maybe a little too late, but there is always time to turn things around. I really dont know if i can even make it with so much stress everywhere and i have a gut feeling i didnt do well for prelims.

I guess the take home message after the prelims is not to lose sight of your goals. Once you lose sight, you lose sight of your goal. No matter how badly you did for a paper, you have to push on and not let it affect you.

 The domino effect isnt just my streak of bad luck, it was because i have lost faith in myself.

I felt so terrible after the math paper and i just felt like i gave up even though i didnt say it. I felt so lousy, i felt like beating myself up for making stupid mistakes that i shoudlnt even be making as someone who is going to take A levels very soon. But hey, after thinking about it after a few days during post prelims i guess i felt better and stopped beating myself up anymore because im just really glad its not A levels.

Shit is going to happen to anyone, in any circumstances. I just have to prepare for the worst and not lose hope just because one paper was terribly done. Shit is going to happen no matter what, but its how we face them thats going to determine if we are going to follow through the path of self defeat or put up a good fight.

To anyone who feel the same as me right now because you think you just didn't do well for prelims, dont lose hope. Hope is the only thing that get us going now and if we lose it, we are going to lose this battle with A levels for sure. Learn from mistakes, and have faith in yourself and dont give up because it is the best solution we have right now.

x

I used to think that school is so fun. I remembered how im always so excited about going to school. I would wake up and prepare early for class, read ahead and pay extra attention in class in primary school. All i ever wanted to do is to be studious and school never felt torturous. I even volunteered in doing so many things like being the group leader and helping teachers carry their books because i love the feeling of being a teacher's pet; but that was in lower primary. As i've grown older, i somehow gotten more sensitive towards the people around me, starting to have bigger goals and bigger dreams in life. At that point in time it was doing well for my PSLE and go to my dream school Anglican High because i really wanted to join my cousin there. I was like the model student and teachers really, really loved me back then. Now, when i look back, i really wondered what happened to the old me that was so passionate about school.

Im breaking. I dont even know why.
Everything seemed so perfect. There isnt anything wrong or anything to quarrel about. Yet, i am always the one having the most to complain about when the other party never ever complained about me for my flaws or my past.
Maybe im just meant to be alone, because whenever i fall in love, i fall so hard that i will move mountains for the person i really love; head over heels literally.
It isnt surprising because honestly i cant stand myself, why would i expect anyone to even love me? Im so imperfect, far from being anything perfect. I constantly feel that im the factor that is constantly dragging people down because im just so negative all the time.
You know its easy to tell me just not to think about negative thiings, but its just in my nature and its just me. Its like telling someone to control their anger when you know they are born hot tempered. Yes, all these can be changed. But, when something is just part of you, you will just tend to relapse and be back to the person you try so hard to leave behind. There is just this part of you that would never really leave you no matter how hard you try to change yourself. Admit it, everyone faces this problem of wanting to become a better person, a better lover, a better human being, but we would just end up in a vicious cycle and stuck with what we are in the first place.
I love attention. Who doesnt. Some people just show it more outwardly and some people just want to a little more than others. Is it really so wrong to want attention from the one you love? There is a fine line between giving your other party space and being treated like invisible, only to be visible when someone needs me.
Im just so tired of trying so hard to be a better person and the other party just doesnt want to change a thing to make a relationship works. Why am i always the one giving in, changing, compromising? Everyone has a breaking point being tolerant, and when being tolerant just cant block you from feeling so fucking negative about yourself because you/ll realize your other party doesnt give a god damn shit anymore, you/ll fall, head first to the hard concrete ground. And, when you realize you have fallen in love too deep, the only way you will ever be is get hurt.
I feel so jealous whenever i see other couples meeting each other everyday after school, and most of the time you just arent there. You dont even bother to ask if we wanted to meet. You have never said you missed me even when we dont meet for weeks. I feel like im in a relationship whereby i just need to be there when you need me, when you dont have your friends. Thats when you come to find me. I hate it when you separate your social life and me altogether. It isnt wrong, but like ive said, there is a fine line between being inviisble and giving you the space. You were never there for me when i needed you most of the time when im so stressed out over my studies. My family is in a mess and you just told me to ignore because wow its thats so easy i wouldnt have turned to you for help. Is it so wrong to ask for a little more attention for you? At least i dont feel so invisible and like a third wheel when you have no one to talk to. Im a girl no matter how much i made it look like i dont need you. I fucking do. I dont say it because it makes me look weak. I have to even ASK to have your attention? Thats just messed up.
I dont want this kind of relationship, whereby you are just another add on to my life. You are part of my life, the most important person in my life. I dont see the point in being called your girl when all you ever do is treat me the same way as your friends. Even your friends receives more attention from you than me. So why the hell do you even want me in your life since you love them so much?
I just cant take it anymore. Im tired of fighting to keep you in my life when all you ever do is take life as it is because you never ever fought for what you want in life. You never ever wanted anything bad enough to give your all. Your studies? Your cca? Me? Nothing really ever mattered to you anyway.
Its funny how we looked so perfect and trouble free on the outside to so many others, but deep down its not the case.
I fought with you because i want to talk things through, to talk things out so that we could work our way together as a couple. But you never ever gave in, u arent willing to change when ive done so much for myself to make you have a better girl. And all i ever ask for you is to be there for me... and you cant even do that.
I feel so lonely when in a relationship. And its funny how we are in the same school and chance upon each other now and then, but the time we spend together is less than those guys out there who are in army with their girl.
I have you, but deep down all i could feel is sadness and loneliness. Thats just not the way things should be...and honestly, im done trying to solve it because you obviously dont care anymore x.