Victoria

I've never felt this lonely,
This afraid.
Its like being faced with a life and death situation,
that you may not make it through the day.


Tell me why is this world such a fearful place to live in?
In this place where we regard as our home
That we are all so familiar with.
But never once enjoyed being on it.

"Baby I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around " 

Its been a few months now. It still definitely hurts whenever i come to think about it when im alone. I've learnt and came to accept the fact that you got tired of me and eventually  moved on from me. What hurts is that that heartbreak took away everything; i no longer want to give my all to anyone because they are going to break my heart eventually, get tired of me and move on. I really thought that i had a fairytale ending, but i was so wrong. I dont believe in a happily ever after anymore, neither do i want to love anyone because im just so incapable. I dont trust people easily anymore and always have doubts about everything. Pain has indeed changed people. But what can i say, maybe im just a horrible person that made everyone left. But its okay, im fine alone now. And i will be stronger in time to come... but i will never be the same again. 

12 more days till the big day and yes im scared to my wits. Its just the 2nd biggest fear of all jc students other than A levels which take shit to another whole new level.

Just by the thought of what i have to lose if i retain seriously haunts me. My position as a councillor, my friends and girls from s21, my pride as well as wasting another year. The stakes are so high that i cant afford to screw up. Not this time.

So far my results are really shaky but i should feel better cause there are definitely others who are worse than me. Promo is accounted for 80% of our grades in our entire jc1 exam, and yes, its do or die.

I know its not the right time to freak out but i guess i have to maintain and work under the pressing time and intensified pressure.

So far my results for CA/SA (10% each) are
Physics: U/B
Econs: C/A
Maths: S/U
H1:
Chemistry: U/S
GP: D/E
Chinese: E/B

it doesnt really look that bad from the first glance but my overall for chem is 35%, which is just meeting the promotional critieria and as for maths 33%, 2% away from promotional criteria. If i get retain because of maths i swear im not going to forgive myself for being such a fooling and ignorant prick for taking h2 maths just because i think with hardwork it makes a difference. Just please let me be right for once and let me get promoted to J2. ),:

Enough of ranting, shall hit the books now.