Victoria

It was a really fucked up week. I dont know why but i feel super cranky this week but everything's just fine. Moodswing much? Oh well.

Had a misunderstanding with a really good friend of mine just because of one text. I mean i seriously come on it's really dumb alright. I find it seriously damn nonsensical and i thought i wouldnt get affected by it.
In the end, i got so affected that i couldnt even study properly for my chemistry test just because i was so worried about my friend. This just shows how much my friend means to me. I really wish i knew this sooner.
Made up the very next day and i felt so relieved:)

Studied with bennett at J. Co again and we made a hell of a racket. We were always fighting over phones.
I think the frequent customers must be seriously pissed at us because we always act as if we are having war.
hahaha! AND STUPID ASSHOLE SPILLED YOGHURT ON ME AND STILL LAUGHED. Oh god.
We ended up not studying again and played all the way. Hahahaha i knew that was coming anyway. :)

Yesterday night something really shocking happened. No words can ever, ever describe how i felt yesterday.
It turns out that a good friend had been crushing on me for quite some time now and all along i thought he treated me as a friend, nothing more.
His message was seriously sweet, even sweeter than honey. My heart literally melt when i looked through the message. I never knew he was that kind of guy who is expressive and his words could actually capture a girl's heart. I was at loss of what to even say.
To be honest, everything came to sudden and i really need time to think things over before i rush into any impulsive decisions that will hurt him. I've asked for a week to think about over, and he replied, 'Sure, take as long as you want.' Oh god sweet or what!
He's the perfect boyfriend material and i dont deny that i actually care for him more than anyone else, but one thing that's stopping me is actually letting people know about this. I dont know why i feel like keeping it a secret if i agree to it. I've asked around some of my friends and they all said the same thing, ' if you both are in love with each other, nothing else matters. ' which kinda makes sense though.
Okay whatever, im gonna make my decision by friday and i swear i will seriously think through about it.
XOXO:) sleeping!

Sup! How's everyone feeling today?
Its CHINESE NEW YEAR everyone!
I bet most of us are just looking forward to the scrumptious food and red packets! My mother forced me to put make up cause its chinese bew year, and her excuse is that its a tradition to put makeup every year. Luckily its not thick! Thank god! Visited my Dad's grandma followed by my grandma's sis. I so regretted wearing that killer heel which i thought i could handle! But when i've had my first slip i knew it was no joke. Man that pair of heels sure wanted my life! Thank hod that i didnt sprain my leg during chinese new year. Whoop!

Chinese new year didnt turn out so bad as i've expected it to be:) Okay so the whole time i've spent on my phone checking twitter and texting people in one corner cause i dont know anyone ._. awkward! Lucky there's my aunt! Hehe:) Got to taste the really tasty chicken wing that my grandma sis makes every year! Yum-dee-licious!
Alright!
Happy chinese new year peeps!
Xoxo.

I've practically wasted my whole day away today slacking:)
Laid on my bed and kept texting the whole day. Gosh this is bad!
Tried playing canon in D on my piano! Its been awhile ever since i've touche my piano and im getting rusty!
Painted my nails and its 5pm! Going to my dad grandma's house for reunion dinner after that my mum's.
And god i've gained weight over this week! So depressed! Gonna go on diet soon! New years are getting more and more boring every year. D:

Anyone want to jio me out for the movie, 孩子不坏? :) really want to atch that movie but no one's free! Sob.

Gonna have steamboat now!
Xoxo.

Its saturday!:)
Had a pretty short curriculum yesterday till 12.45pm and had my math test till 1.30pm. Found melodie in the council room and we ended up walking around like two idiots waiting for training to start.
Training was called off due to the bad weather and miss woon had to leave to 4.30pm.
Took bus 10 with mel and went to J. Co to study with annoying bennett and yunhan.
I swear Its seriously annoying when bennett's around. He'll just end up making me laugh my ass off and nothing goes into my head. I would really think twice now before studying with him. Hahaha:)
Reached home around 7pm and watched gossip girl s5e11! Chuck didnt die! However, chuck and balir arent together and blair's gonna marry Louis anyway. Why is this love so tough and complicated! Gosh.
Well, felt depressed and cried. Slept at 10. Woke up in the morning and feel so much better now. Everything was just so blur and surreal.

I feel really dumb falling for you. I really do. Everytime when i've thought that you've forgotten about me, you'll just pull me right back into your life and giving false hopes. You'll always leave me feeling more horrible than ever everytime you just ditch me after having your motives accomplished. What am i to you? I've told you time and again that im not a toy for you to play with my feelings with. If you dont feel the same way like how i do for you, at least let me know so that i can feel at ease. Why do you always avoid telling me how you feel when its damn right obvious that you dont? Isnt this playing with my feelings?
Your pathetic sorrys wont make up for what you had done to me. It took you a long time to even tell me that you are. Don't you know how much pain, suspense and emotional torture you had put me through all these months? The reason why i kept whatever that happened between us is because i dont want to spoil your reputation.
Im closing my heart from you, im never going to open it to you ever again. You're not even worth my tears.
If you cant take my words seriously why should i?
Fuck you, and fuck off from my life for good. Dont ever come back.

Hi people.
No words can ever describe how guilty i am right now.

Didnt go to school today cause im down with fever and as a result i missed 3 tests - Econs, Math, Chem.
I really wonder how am i suppose to take the makeup test tomorrow since all the teachers i've texted dont reply me. Its really annoying.

I went to study with Emily after school at J. Co since our tuition's at 7.30pm. We had a really great time breaking the awkwardness between each other and after yesterday i feel really comfortable talking to her already:) She's a really great teacher and she taught me how to do standard deviation like within 5 minutes!
Saw michelle, the ex sports capt president, god i miss her so much! I still remembered how we met through the sec 1 sports captain interaction day and how much we've bonded with each other just within that very day. She gave me lots of really awesome tips and i really have to thank her for everything. Saw that bennett for the first time in AHS uniform. To be honest he looks so much better in uniform than his singlet + shorts. Hahaha!
Everything was going on fine until shit happened.
I've went to the toilet with emily and left my phone on the top empty space and had forgotten to take it with me before i left. I washed my hands and walked away from the toilet just a few metres away and realised that my phone wasn't with me. I immediately rushed back to the same cubicle, it was quite distinct as there was an empty bubbletea plastic cup on top of the blue trash bin, and an old aunty came out of it. She was like, ' Let you use first lah ' in chinese and when i looked around my phone's missing.

Stupid me wasn't thinking fast enough to chase after that old aunty as she obviously took my phone and tried to act nice by letting me use the toilet first to run off. It only took 30seconds. 30 seconds.
Emily and I went to the information counter and tried everything we could to retrieve the phone but we failed. We took bus 29 to Mrs quek house and we were 15minutes late. I've borrowed Mrs Quek's phone to contact some people and called Starhub to temporary terminate my line. To be honest i couldn't concentrate at all and i feel so damn insecure without my phone. This just shows how dependable i am on my phone. Fuck.

I really do feel bad ruining the whole tuition for everyone. Especially for Elysia who had a test the very next day. Im really very apologetic and guilty.
Emily, thankyou for searching up and down, high and low for my phone. You knew we were late but you tried your very best to find my phone anyway. I really, really couldnt thank you enough for listening to my swears and whine that day. It's really annoying but im just a girl who couldn't control her emotions once she's fed up. Also, thankyou a million for explaining to my mother about the incident that i couldnt have the courage to do so myself.
Clara, thankyou for generously offering me your phone to contact my mother and suggesting many, many ways to protect my iPhone privacy settings. Im really glad that you even contacted your friend who knows everything about iPhone and filled me up on it. But honestly i didnt really cared about my passwords and all, im just worried about how im gonna contact my friends. Hehe. Opps! I really thankyou for being the IT expert!
Elysia, awkward turtle, im really sorry for ruining the tuition. I feel really, really guilty to the max. Thankyou for your concern and you tried to calm me down with all your typical awkward moments! God elysia how can i EVER, make it up to you? ELYSIA POHHHHHH IM SORRY ! D:

What could i ever do without you girls. Love you all:)

To add the guilt that im feeling about making everyone so worried, i asked my dad to re-activate my SIM card as i needed it badly. My dad has to go down to starhub to get a new sim card since i've terminated my old one and my contract is under his name.

He came back not only with my SIM card, but with an iphone4s.
Can someone please kill me right now?

My dad may be very unreasonable sometimes(actually most of the time), he can make a big fuss over really small matters and yells at me very frequently. He's just someone that cannot show his love in a proper way.
Whenever he yells at me i'll just keep quiet telling myself that he's just stressed from his work. But sometimes when he yells at me when im feeling stressed up i'll show him attitude. But deep down inside, i know that he still loves me, by driving me to tuition every sunday, by offering to fetch me when im out late, and even fetching me to school in the morning. I know my dad has many, many flaws and it really annoys me sometimes but i really love him. I just have to accept him for the way he is, not how i want him to be. I love him so much.
Im gonna save up and pay him back the money he used to buy the phone.
I swear i would.
-

One thing that really bothers me is that im really having so much mixed feelings and in a state of confusion. Why am i feeling so fucked up over such trivial matters and letting my emotions take control over me?
Deep down i know that all along i had a motive, but everything just seems so wrong after today.
I really have to stop thinking about it and let nature take its own course.
XOXO,
good night people!

Today is the 14th of January 2012, and im feeling especially happy. :)
Yesterday had Sec one cca orientation. Didnt train cause my leg's awfully swollen! Slacked around with feeqa and waikiat and ended up talking instead of studying. Opps!

Had a last minute study date with bennett today! He told me to meet at 3.40pm and i left house at 3.40pm. hehe. I dont know why im always the earliest to arrive with others but latest when im out with him. Like 3 times already. hehehe.
Bennett is the biggest bastard i've ever known i swear. He made me laughed my ass off the whole freaking day and tortured me by confiscating my phone and almost killed me. We ended up going to Burger King, then J. Co for frozen yoghurt and went around shopping for my heels and his netball shoes for yy.
Had a lot of inside jokes with him that made total so memorable. :) yay!

Gonna have 3 tests next week and im so not prepared. Oh no. What should i do!
Dont know why i feel so F-L-Y these few days. Can someone tell me why?
Man, i totally hate the feeling of self-denial. It's damn right obvious that its the truth why can't i just accept it instead of running away from it. This is bad siokhwee! You should be facing the truth not running away from it! Sigh, probably im just too worried about the consequences of facing it. Oh well! Let nature takes its own course. :) GOOD GIRL!

Oh, and i've made my decision:
Im quitting ballet for now. I just have too many things to cope with and im kind of losing interest in ballet. I'll reconsider joining back after secondary four but for now im gonna quit. Now i dont have to feel guilty for always skipping ballet every saturday.

bennett, in case if you're reading this:
" It takes a more badass bastard to know one. " :)

Hi.
I've cried my heart out, but im going to put everything behind and just let it be. I can't change the fact, neither it will do me any good from running away from it.

I got back my O level chinese results and it was a disaster. I got the shock of my life. My heart literally stopped pumping. I burst into tears and i was crying so hard that i couldn't breathe. Thankgod that shafeeqa, zhiwei, yongjian were there to calm me down. Serena, chelsi, syakirah, germaine were there too. Love you people:)

I believe that we ought to face big setbacks in our lives, but we just have to take it positively and view it in a bright light. Cmon siokhwee, you're only receiving one O level result which you may not even include in your L1R5. Look at the seniors who have done badly for their entire O level results, its the end for them. We still have a chance to strive towards our goals.

It really hit me hard that O level isnt a joking matter. Every single drip of mark counts. I will definitely remember how i horribly i felt today and i swear to myself that i would not feel this way ever again a year later, receiving my results. I would be in tears, but of joy.

I would cherish every single O level SPA/Oral/listening because everything matters in the end. It does make a freaking difference. I would be DSA-ing to Hwachong, Tjc and meridian jc upon receiving my Mid year results. If i get into the jc i want, it would be less pressurizing during O levels and at least i can see where i am striving at. So, i must fight for my A from now on, nothing below that.

Enough of crapping about O levels.

I feel down because a good friend of mine doesnt seem to be concerned about me.
Its funny that it takes a wrong time, with a potential misleading message led to a cold war of a day between us. We have been texting so much that we are doing it religiously till yesterday when we both refused to text each other. To be honest, the feeling wasn't good at all. I felt that as though something's missing from my life. You saw me crying my heart out today and you didn't text me and ask me whether i was alright. I swallowed my pride and asked you where were you to start the ball rolling. It just seemed that you didnt care in the first place, giving that attitude like, ' oh, you cry ah? cry loh. ' I mean seriously dude! Im your good friend that is crying till my eyes are swollen red and you're just gonna leave me alone like that? How could you. ):
Truthfully, im really disappointed. A text from you could have made everything feel ten times better and it could just turn my frown upside down. I just i dont place in your heart to care, yes? D: oh well.

Side note:
I've already told myself im not gonna fall for your tricks anymore this 2012. You didn't talk to me the whole of 2012 till you saw me crying today. WOW. You talk to me when im weak, when you're superior. I believe that you must have sent that same message to others as well. You must want something out of me in order for you to be so niceynicey. A part of me wanted to believe that text was good intention, but somehow i know you too well and my wishful thinking would always remain in my head. I chose to believe the other possibility because out of 10 times you talk to me, 10 times you are scheming to have something from me. I won't be that naive and fall for your tricks again, i grew out of it, so should you. You're still charming as always anyway, but you just can't use that to make me fall heads over heels for you again. :)

The first day of school wasnt so bad. Its tiring though.
Had some talks at the assembly and i fell asleep while listening to mr sara as we spoke to us about discipline matters.
Went back to class, which is on the fourth floor, god i almost died. Met our form teacher and our new co-form teacher miss yang, who apparantly has a really, really bad impression of me. Sigh! I guess my name is notorious among the teachers because of last year dramas. Oh well, its in the past so let it stay there, please give me a chance to start afresh. If you cant let it go, i cant move on!
Had school tour meeting after school followed by our first netball training of 2012. Ran the usual 10 rounds and i almost died completing them within 24minutes. I guess the stamina just isnt there after the holidays. Got back home around 7.30pm and my legs are practically numb after i've lied on my bed.
Tomorrow there's gonna be school tour again so had to sleep early and get ready for school the next morning.
XOXO.
p.s. I miss my holidays

Hello people! Today is the start of 2012! Which means school will be reopening soon. Yeah, i know right. Like pffft. Im especially looking forward to this year and there's a couple of things to it.

1) I will be taking O levels this year!
We're gonna take it anyway, so might as well get done and over with.
after O levels, it means TOTAL FREEDOM, which will be around Mid November:)
No more nonsensical holiday homework to ruin the holidays. Thank god!

2) Im going to go to Japan at the end of the year.
Hurray! Im gonna shop till i drop i swear. I really do miss Japan, even though it
has only been a year since i've last went there. I swear when im there i had never
thought about coming back to Singapore. Hahaha, im kidding.

3) More job opportunities
After O levels, it means a long, long holiday. & I'll have time to take on more
job offers, and i'll have more money to spend wahahahaha!

4) Quality time with dearest Charlotte
After we're both finished with our Os, we're gonna have more time for each other
and of course if fate allow us, we can get into the same JC together. * crosses fingers *

5) I am finally eligible to watch NC16
Oh yeah it feels awesome to finally be able to get to watch NC16 shows LEGALLY.
Whooosh!

6) More ME time
I can finally have the time to figure out what i want in life and do a little soul searching.
Time has been passing so fast and there's definitely no time to waste on that now. :)

What about my New Year resolution. Well,
1) Stop my insecurity
2) Stop swearing
3) Grow taller
( 1.64 now D: )
4) Be smarter and wiser
5) PASS CHEMISTRY
( When pigs fly )
6) PASS MY GRADE 5 THEORY
7) Get good CA results
8) O Level L1R5 to be 8
9) Lose weight
10) Drink at least two cups of water everyday
11) Pick up one new skill by the end of the year
12) Take care of my curls
13) Do not sleep in class
14) Do not give black faces no matter how horrible
my day is
15) Never, ever fall for that bastard again
( Trust me i've learnt my lesson. )
16) Improve my stamina
17) Do not lose anything
18) Whatever i do, do not give up

Im gonna dig this out and see if i've fulfilled them by the end of 2012 :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE AND ENJOY THE LAST TWO DAYS (actually, one) OF THE REMAINING HOLIDAY. It's gonna be a fast year.
XOXO.