Victoria

Everyone changes. Be it physically or mentally. Its just something that is inevitable and something that will make or break a relationship.

Im with my boy for 5 months now and honestly the first 3 months was the honeymoon period, and then we got so comfortable in each other's company that we started taking each other for granted and forgotten why we fell in love with each other in the first place.

Ive indeed changed a lot throughout this period of the relationship and i hate me for what i am now. I tend to grow clingy and guys would leave me at this part of the relationship. I would be so emotional, so crazy that it got me thinking, ' is this who i was 5 months ago? '

I was such a sweet, understanding, non controlling girlfriend. Now im just some crazy girl who is overly emotional and thinks too much. This is the first time that ive love someone so much that im so afraid fhat he would leave me. Its already a dream when he loves me back for who i am.

I really want us to feel the same we did back then five months ago, but its impossible now. Too many things have changed. I guess i just have to deal with this ongoing insecurity myself and swallow it hard.

Never In my life have I been called disrespectful, not my friend's parents, not my boyfriend's parents, not my parents. You are the first to call me that.

They always say, blood is thicker than water, now I understand why. Family is always the most important in one's family, no matter what the situation is.

I really don't get why some people just think that everything and anything is about them? Are you that insecure to think that way? The world doesn't revolve around you. I may be at fault and I admit that, but you shouldn't assume the way things are and get angry about it. Why can't you just tell me straight in the face instead of asking others to translate whatever you want to say? I believe you are much wiser than me, you should know how to deal with situations like that. When you don't speak your mind and vent in on him, Im the ultimate one getting the blame from you and him. Im just a 17 year old, what do you even want from me?

And to you if you're reading this. Im not asking you to choose. I know family is more important. I know im at fault, but why is it that Im getting so heavily criticized for that one thing that I've done wrong instead of others that I've done right? Why?

I haven't been standing up for myself lately and i'll just break down and cry and cry but no one sympathizes me anyway. im just showing the whole world that I am a weak flower that would collapse when faced with difficulties. No, not anymore. From today onwards I will be a strong woman who stands by my own side no matter what. I would not shed anymore tears for anyone because no one cares and no one understands. All that everyone knows how to do is to bully me and use it against their advantage, even someone's mum. Doesn't mean I keep quiet means I have nothing to say. I have feelings too. Well obviously no one cares because everyone is just busily proving their point as to why im wrong.

When I cry, the only person that suffers is me. Why should I punish myself for things that don't matter.

Im not asking you to choose, im leaving you with no choice. Your mum needs you more than I do. I am not here to destroy family bonds. She gave you a life, grew you up. She's getting old, she needs you more than me. Without me, you don't have to choose anymore.

 " No woman, no cry. " You're definitely right.

Just had my dinner with my family. It has been a long time ever since we've had a meal as a family. We headed down to some coffee shop and ordered a few dishes and ate. It wasn't anything fancy, but it definitely had brought back many, many memories about the past.

I came to know about my family's financial status when I'm always being turned down from buying souvenirs at events and eating out at coffee shops while other families get to eat out at an actual restaurant and living a fanciful life. I'm constantly jealous of what others have and I don't. Honestly, I did grumble a lot about how my family is not as fortunate as others and how I wished my childhood is just like my peers with stories to talk about and memories to look back at.

I've always had a dream; to be treated like a princess and lead a fancy life. Every single day ive always thought to myself how life would be like if Im rich. I would also like to pretend that im a princess by wearing dresses and address myself as princess yap when I was young. Till this very day, I've never stopped fantasizing about how I would live in a big house with invitations to parties every day. I don't know why I want to make each and everyday so special and fun, maybe its because I want to fill up those unfulfilled desires from my childhood that I never got to have.

I think that god has heard my desperate cry for the past 17 years of my life and finally gave me a boy that treats me right; and not just right - like a royalty. Of course im not talking about asking him to carry all of my stuffs wherever we go and wear my shoe for me that kind of extent, but those little gestures that actually makes me feel appreciated, and loved. Sure he can be a little annoying at times(who doesn't) and pretty much have a temper of a three year old, but he definitely knows how to make me feel special. How? What kind of boy would run down in the pouring rain and get me a meal from macdonalds just because I haven't ate my dinner in the middle of the night, answer my phone at 3am in the morning only to get shouted at just because I was frustrated but forgave me the very nexr day, writes 52 reasons why he loves me on poker cards and flim a video overnight for his love for valentine's, carry my bag for me when im feeling like a lazy pig, pays for my expenses, drops cheesy lines each and everyday just to put a smile on my face, sends me home everytime we go out without hesitant? Im feeling like a princess living her dream of having her prince charming by her side.

Now back to my point, the only thing that its left unfulfilled is having a fancy life. I guess this is where I get my motivation for working so hard; I refuse to settle for anything lesser than a fancy life and I will not stop until I get to my goal. I love having a room that is designed by myself, eating out at restaurants, going to concerts, parties, social events, anything that makes my life seems so special.

I love my family for everything; for giving my protection, for giving me love and care, for teaching me from right and wrong and the adequate freedom that I need as a 17 year old, but I cant help but to dream bigger, want more.

Maybe im just a weird, ambitious girl after all.
I just wish my life can be more eventful.

After that night, I feel like we are drifting apart.
We are always fine whenever we meet up with each other, but when we part, you suddenly just become a changed person.

You used to send me smiley faces in so many messages in a day. Now, I don't even get any. You've became so cold, so hostile. I feel so distant from you. You don't usually use 'lol' , but nowadays you just use it more and more. Its a cold, conversation killer. I've told you not to use the word but you ignored me. You used to send me pictures at night, any random pictures. Pictures of you, pictures of food... now you just barely replying what ive sent.

Your twitter used to be full of our pictures as your display pic, now its just a picture of you. You don't tweet about how happy you are with me anymore, you dont call me 'my girl' anymore. Even when we text, you dont call me baby like how you used to anymore... why?

I don't blame you. Im the cause for this downfall in our love. No one can ever stand me, that's why all my relationships don't lasts. People get tired of me and will leave me eventually. Don't say it wont happen, cause I've felt all those hurt before, people get tired, people say things changed and pack their bags and go leaving me scarred for life.

Im trying so hard to stay positive, but you're making it so hard. But then again, im not blaming you. Blame me for being a person who doesn't know how to cherish you before you're gone. I've tested my luck and left you over and over again without considering about your feelings. Its karma, coming back at me twice as hard.

I know this relationship is coming to an end soon, just a matter of time before you realize someone else out there can offer you something better. I just have to bite my teeth and hold my tears as I watch you leave because no matter what desperate thing I would do to win you back, you will never come back to me anymore. Yes, im pathetic. Its what I am my whole life.

I've destroyed a perfect relationship with my soul mate. Even he doesn't want me anymore. I don't want to tell you my problems because all you ever do is to argue why you behave in a certain way and im wrong. It hurts so bad, but I cant tell you because we would just break up because we fought. Im trying to hold onto you as long as possible even though its coming to an end, because im bound to be alone.

Just living my pathetic life, walk away and dont look back because you dont deserve to be with such an ass.

Your tweets arent even for me anymore. When ive changed your profile pic, you get so mad, i didnt even know what i did wrong. I thought it was a cute couple thing to do to hack into each other's account and change their profile pic but all you ever feel was angry... it hurts so much... i've promised you that i will not quarrel with you anymore, and im trying so hard, yet you are the one giving up on us. It really hurts. Just because i didnt said goodnight you wanted to pick a fight at me... i dont know why, but these few days i feel that you're just gonna leave me anytime soon, and you dont want to break up with me because you dont want to hurt my feelings. Of course, who would want a sobby, cry baby girlfriend who doesnt even know how to take care of herself. Your messages used to be so cheery and full og smiley faces. Now i dont even get any. Im breaking into pieces. Why is it hurting so much...

I probably dont deserve to be with you... but im trying my best to keep you by my side... you dont want to take pictures with me anymore like how we used to spam on my phone. I want the old you back... ),: fucking hurts...

So lost, so desperate.

Its painful. I dont know what im doing anymore.

Its so painful to swallow my pride. I've never did that for anyone, ever.

Yes i dont like it when you go you go out late at night. Especially right after you've spent the entire day with me. Makes me feel like a spare tyre. Especially when u kinda never reply my msgs...

But if i ever said anything, you'll be mad. Its not worth it. I love you.

Im such a useless girlfriend.

Im broken.
Help.

This is what im afraid of; you getting tired of me. It always happens in between the 5th/6th month of a relationship and its always the turning point where how much you really love someone is being put to the test.

Its 12.00am on the 5th month, and you didnt wish me like how you would. Okay, i can overlook that; its nothing, we're going to be stuck together for the rest of our lives so i guess it doesnt matter. It hurts, but i get it.

Im as insecure as you. Remembered how that guy dumped me because he got tired of me, got so annoyed with me? Yeah, i remembered those feelings.

You just reminded me why i shoud be single for the rest od my life, because i suck at relationships, because i hold onto every single detail too firmly and i take these shit too seriously.

We've been through several relationships before we met each other. Both of us know exactly how it feels to be abandoned.

Ive never loved myself, and i dont see any reason to. I tried to dig out any plausible reasons but nope god forbids because im just so not special.

I get insecure when you talk to other girls, i just do. I mind, but im not saying u cant. Its my own issues that i have to deal with, but you dont just assume that im mad and that im trying to start a fight...

Life is so sucky now, and our relationship is going downhill. I dont feel that you love me as much as before.

Maybe its just me; blame it on me for being such a boring person. If you ever leave, i'd understand.

We started off as strangers, and we got close when it was the holiday period. Now that we both have a life to live, apart from each other, i think the purpose of us being together just died... from such a sweet and beautiful thing to becoming a burden in our lives. Our lives will not cross each other's paths from now onwards and never will till we get married. I just cant bear to feel so insignificant in your life... so useless. I really feel that the gap is getting wider and wider as each day passes by and it really sucks cause im sure thats not what we want. Im so lost, without direction. I cant feel your love, im tearing apart. I didnt know its gonna be such a tough journey. we have been fighting everyday ever since you have started school and i honestly dont know why. Its so hurtful. Maybe our lives just... sucks.

I cant feel you, baby. I need you.