Victoria

One year is definitely a long time, but when you finally hit 31st december 2014 you would feel that life is so short because yet another year has flown by, because i still can vividly recall when i stubbornly refused to sleep when i was 6 or 7 on New Year because superstitious me heard that by sleeping later my parents would live longer. Anyway, this entry is just a summary of what happened in my life in 2014 and some reflections and confessions i would like to make before i end this year.

Come to think of it, I should make a monthly summary blogpost instead of a year because there is too much happenings in 1 year. I shall start in 2015! (yay to 1st new year resolution)

So here are some of the things that what 2014 has taught me:

1. Being in a new class sucks

This year, i was being thrown into a new class because my class got disbanded. The vast majority got into S19 and there were only two person in my new class, me and RuiXiang. I remembered vividly i woke up to Kavitha's private message saying that me and her arent going to be classmates anymore i swear i cried my eyes out. The thing about me is that i love being in my comfort zone, and my comfort zone is being with Kavitha. When my comfort zone is being taken away, i feel helpless, like someone forcing to take my blanket away when im sleeping in an aircon room. I thought to myself that, ' screw this, im just going to make new friends. ' And i can honestly say that i did. I tried so hard. The first few months was just a painful, living hell. Being in a physics class, the gender proportion is so bad having 23 classmates, 8 being girls. Being in a class with already little girls the girls are being further split into 2 cliques. As an outsider i've always wondered why but now i know it was because of differing views and interest of the two. Even after being with S22 for a year, I can honestly say that i only truly made one friend out of it. The group of girls that im blended in was because Anjana always made the effort to include me. The other two girls are genuinely nice people. Why? Because i know them. I know them since primary school and one of them being my classmate even. Its just so awkward having to make friends with people that you already know because you have grown so much from the last time you saw each other. Its like meeting the same person as a new friend. I dont blame them for not really talking to me because i truly understand how awkward it is for them as it is for me. I really tried to make small talks but somehow it just didnt last. Whenever Anjana is not in school I didnt felt like going too because im all alone. Its so stressful and sad that i often just broke down and ran to Jalene and the rest for the first month when she was still here. I kept crying and counting down the days till the weekends. I've never felt so alone in my life. The stressful feeling of whether they will just leave you when you return your plate, the feeling when you walk back to class alone after every assembly period, the feeling when the teacher's not there and nobody tells you, the feeling of wanting to just fit in but you can't? I started to think whether im unapproachable or if there is something wrong with me, and every single day these thoughts grew and the tears kept coming whenever i ran into Jalene's arms hating on myself because I thought they didn't like me. After Jalene left, I felt even worst because i was truly alone now. I cant escape to my comfort zone anymore. There was no comfort zone left. I felt like school was a god damn torture because im always alone in class. Of course i have friends outside of class but they can't be there with me for obvious reasons like different breaks and different subject combination. This cycle kept going on and on even until May. I dont know what happened but i broke down again(whats new). I was hiding in the council room with all the lights out and lying on the sofa. I watsapped Amila and she told me to stay strong because its really just going to get tougher from there. She told me at least i had Anjana when she didn't had anyone to rely on. I really forgotten what were the exact content we talked about but Amila really knocked some sense into me and I just learnt to be numb. I accepted the fact that if im going to be alone during school hours then so be it. I stopped trying. I had the worst June holidays because of many reasons, but one thing was good because i didnt have to face my classmates anymore in that one month. Towards the A levels we didn't really have much contact anyway because we always had time to study on our own and have a month study break before A levels. We are too stressed to care about anything. One thing i've learnt that is people will judge you even when you did nothing. No hate here, im just explicitly saying how i feel about S22 for a long time and i was too afraid to say anything and i guess its time to face it and put it behind and part of 2014. Don't you just hate it when people look at you from top to toe with that judgemental look everytime they see you? The funny thing is i had never talked to them, ever. I don't know if it's just me but I really hate it when they just mock me behind my back when they didnt even put in any effort to make me as an outsider feel included into their class. I watched everything i did because im afraid that i will do something that will give them reasons to talk about me again. I've always wanted to ask why they didn't like me because i can feel it and i kept questioning what did i ever do to make them feel this way about me. But then again, asking them would just make me like an idiot and another reason to mock me again. I remembered what Mr Kuah said on the last lesson of his, ' You all seem so bonded but you definitely have people in the class you have never exchanged a word with, never talked to. You all just seem to stick to your own cliques and call yourselves a bonded class. ' it wasnt the exact words, but somewhere in between those lines, but whatever he said I totally could relate to it. I came about knowing that they didnt like this particular girl in my class because she just didnt seem to love S22. My question to you is, why can't you just approach her and make her feel included? Why can't you try and persuade her that S22 isnt that bad and prove her wrong? There MUST be a reason why she is so against her own class. She can have many flaws that many people dont like, including me. But hey, nobody's perfect and if you are hating on her just because she doesnt like the class dont you think its a bit an of an invalid reason because one thing for sure nobody tried to make her feel welcomed and included? The guys probably hate me because of the same reason but hey I went for all the damn celebrations, Teachers Day, J2 farewell, didnt run away with Sherry during PE and tried to play ball with the class, attending Miss Teo wedding... These little things you all probably don't see it but hey i tried and i didnt push anyone away. You all may not see it, but these are efforts wanting to be part of the class, arent they not? I can't remember when, but i was walking home from school one day and the bunch of guys were walking back from tmart and in my mind i was like, ' today's the last day of school just dont disturb me go away. ' and i walked quickly. One of them shouted, ' Goodbye my classmate! ' and everyone started giggling. You see what i mean now? It wasn't in my head. If you had a problem with me just tell me straight in the face at least i could change rather than gossiping behind my back. I swear i was so furious i wanted to scream back but I let it go. Honestly, I really wish things could've been different, and them telling me what was wrong. I really wished they had included me so that my J2 life didnt suck. I really wished that the class could have been more bonded and not separate into cliques and everyone and anyone can speak their minds. Hate them? I can't bring myself to. Hurt? definitely. If i had one wish about this class before 2014 ends, i really wish everyone would tell each and everyone in the class about how they really felt about them though they have never spoken before, and forgive and forget about all those fights/ all those hatred among them. I really wish I have the courage to tell them how i really feel instead of this blogpost, though im always the daring one in many things, this... i just dont know how to tell them. Because somehow deep down inside of me I long already gave up trying to make peace. It was never the ideal class that i wanted to be in because i hated being in it every single day, but i've learnt to be independent and be alone. But hey, things have ended and i never ever have to experience it ever again. As a girl who joined S22 only a year, I guess i could say that one thing i really love about the class is that everyone respects Mr Azlan and i guess they are really bonded within their cliques. If anyone chanced upon reading this, just letting you all know that this is just how i really felt about S22 througout this whole year and there is definitely no hate or hidden agenda, because letting it out after a long tiring year is needed to move forward to a brand new year.

2. A levels is not a joking matter.

When they tell you A levels is tough, they aren't joking. The rest of the months closing to A levels was just a blur, only remembering endless consults with teachers, and countless trips to Somerset starbucks till the barista remembers me. A level isn't a joke and im not kidding. Its stressful. No matter how i try to convince anyone reading this, you just have to experience it yourself to know the stress. The stress of studying till you forget to eat and eating becomes a burden, when you face your books the first thing you wake up and the last thing you read before you sleep. Even those who cannot sit still properly for their lives sat down and settled down to study for hours in libraries. Im constantly faced with the fact that im going to be an imminent failure in life because i kept doing badly for my exams. Im dreading to even blog about it because its just a god damn nightmare that i never ever want to relieve it again, especially so when i haven't get my results. But what i really want to say is, if you think you study hard and results dont show especially in O levels, please dont come JC because you will just end up like me. 

3. True friends

To all JC kids, A levels is a do or die situation, whereby if you dont do well enough its the end of your life because you cant make it to uni and you have " no other path to go", unless you are rich by all means go overseas. But for poor people like me i have to get into a local Uni because the alternative is not a choice for me just like the vast majority. People would hold onto their dear lives because that god damn certificate practically determines what you do the rest of your life. If you cant get into uni with that cert you just wasted 2 years for nothing. When people are being put in these kind of situations, it will only show the true colors of a person. People whom you thought are your good friends end up living you to die on your own because they need to study and get their grades up. Sure its definitely important but dont tell me you dont have even the slightest bit of time to care for the ones you truly love when they needed you for emotional support? Arent they worth that 5mins of your break to talk to them and tell them everything is okay and cheer them on? Im not even talking about going out to play because if you still have the balls to play nearing As you must have very big balls. Im talking about people who go to their friends only to get ignored because they are ' too busy studying ' and couldnt entertain emotional rants. A levels brings the best and worst out of people and lets you see how selfish one truly is when being put in extreme situations like this. For me, im glad that none of my friends did that to me, but i know about friendships falling apart because of it. For me, it was that special someone that made me see the other side of him till now i couldnt quite forgive. If someone means a lot to you, you will find time for them, no matter how busy you are with your lives. Simple as that. Its painful enough to face A levels without the one you love, its even more painful when you know he showed you a side of him that you never thought you would see.

Loving someone means being with them through the good and the bad. if you are only with the person when times are good whats the point of being with them in the first place when you can be relied on when things get tough and you run away?

4. I think im addicted to Starbucks

I used to think that people who buys starbucks are just throwing their money away because who the hell buys an $8 cup of coffee that isnt even nice. I started drinking starbucks maybe 5-6 times a month in J1 and almost everyday in J2. I never bought a cup of starbucks before J1. Ever. I dont know why i became so addicted like damn, i admit its not even that special but i just love it. I realized that I love my drinks to be ice cubed instead of ice blended because i wont get brain freeze with ice blended. I remembered i was so pissed off at the NEX starbucks outlet because they ice blend my coffee not once, but twice when i asked for a remake of my coffee. I didnt even drink 1/4 of it before throwing it away. Call me spoilt but im just very particular about my coffee being ice cubed. So if anyone is buying me starbucks please get it ice cubed i would love you like mad because it shows that you know me ;) 

5. Always forgive, dont hate.

I have a tendency to make a person's life a living hell if i really hate you. I used to abhor this girl because i think she was being a fake, something which i absolutely cannot stand. The hatred just kept growing over time and i realized that by hating somebody, you will only make yourself and the other party miserable because you feel terrible hating someone and you will just feel awful. I will always find new faults and reasons to hate her only to make me feel even worse because keep down i have a damn conscience. You will unknowingly feel miserable even if you dont have a conscience because it really takes a lot of energy to get angry and being swallowed in a sea of negativity. I just let it go eventually because i know everyone isnt perfect and everyone behaves in a way that they just can't control. I can honestly say that i dont hate anyone now, because hating makes no one better off. If you're a literature student before, im sure you will come across this famous poem called the poison tree by William Blake.

In her second album titled Fearless, i absolutely love this song " White Horse ". You know when you hear good music you will feel goosebumps all over your body everytime you listen to it and maybe tear up a little. Thats how i feel whenever i listened to white horse. I remembered there was this brief period of time where i thought i was living in a fairytale because everything seemed so surreal, perfect and i thought ive finally found my knight in shining armour, and i literally called him that because he is just perfect in my eyes. 

I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,

Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around"

This song made me came to realize that fairytales dont exist, and any kind of love that is like a fairytale will just end up in flames, just like how my relationship with him did. I really do love happy endings and ive always been holding onto a strong believe that it does, given my twitter and instagram name having cinderella in it. It was the worst heartbreak i've ever gotten and had to brace through, and i've always listened to taylor swift songs to bring me get through it because it lets my emotions flow and i will just hide in my bed and cry for an hour or so before i settle down and tried to carry on with my life. Its soothing and heals my wound of being so heartbroken because i know someone like her understood me because every line of the song seemed to fit in perfectly with my heartbreak. I wasnt  a swiftie back then because i only listened to one or two song then. 

" Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong "

" Losing him was blue like i've never known,

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red "