Have you ever been told, "Oh my god why are you so fat?" Growing up, im always the biggest and tallest girl among everybody, and im always the last in line. Not that being tall is a bad thing, but when you are young you just wanted to fit in, and it doesnt help when you are at least 2 heads taller than everyone else in kindergarden and people call you giant and big. It really sucked. Since young my self confidence plunged like crazy.

When i entered primary school it wasnt that bad because everyone started to catch up with my height. It still didnt change the fact that i felt so insecure because i was bigger sized than everyone else. Even though i was pretty young i pretty much felt so much affected, i mean who doesnt want to fit in and just be normal?

Days in primary six.

Come secondary school, i figured that i wasnt going to be super thin like the rest of the girls given my bone structure so i've let myself indulge in food and just be fat the way i am. I've gave in trying to fit in by trying so hard to be thin that i allowed myself to consume macdonalds every single day without fail after school... until my weight peaked at 66kg at secondary two.



 dem tummy
 OMG im huge.

I think im the biggest there :(

Those sec 2 days...

 I felt even more terrible than i already felt, i felt so unhealthy... so unfit. I didnt really care cause i kept telling myself, ' at least you get to eat all the food those skinny girls cant and being so worried over weight forever. ' I was living in denial. I guess it was because of the stress that i was facing and me starting to get more active in netball trainings that made me slim down a little in secondary 3, but needless to say im still "fatter" in terms of weight as compared to my peers by at least maybe 10kg?
 secondary 3 farewell for netball seniors
Sec 4 grad day with the excos

 But i did felt better about myself, and started buying more clothes and all, but still i wasnt happy with the way i am. Im sure everyone of you have tried countless times to lose weight... phase 1 trying stupid diets like banana only diet, vege diet, GM diet... whatever stupid diet you can name i think i've tried it before. Im pretty sure why everyone knows why it fails, because by restricting yourself you are only going to binge and give in to temptation, and eating so little a day will only make you gain weight which happen to me countless times. I was so obsessed with my weight that i was counting calories with calorie counter app. But my weight stayed the same. And then you go in the second phase of feeling like a failure that no matter how hard you tried your weight would just stay the same... and then comes the last and final phase which is acceptance; meaning to say you accept the way you are and comforting yourself that you arent fat. But that doesnt last long... before you know it you will just jump right back into the bandwagon of wanting to lose weight again.



In JC i was my lightest in J1, but it didnt last long because i binge eat during my promos period. I gained weight again, its so noticeable when my physics teacher Mr Khor brought it up jokingly saying that i gained weight.

 JC1 Road run

SLC

in JC2 i struggled and battled with my weight the most. My double chin was showing in every photo and my legs are as thick as an elephant's. Only then i realized that i really had to lose weight to get back to where i was. There has been countless times that i cried myself to sleep because i felt so awful about myself and wondering why im forever in this battle against my weight. I was never happy with the way i looked and i've tried so hard trying to be normal.


I've always envied those girls who are just skinny with a small built just the way they are and never have to worry about anything. They are the ones with the most confidence about themselves. Yes i know they have insecurities as well, maybe being short, acne problems, not blessed in the chest department, have no curves... But to be fair, if you had a chance to have a smaller or bigger built, i bet all the girls would still choose to be smaller. Its just life.
To me, i believe that everyone is beautiful in their own ways and everyone definition of beauty is different. My definition of beauty is looking like Eunice Annabel, being the small built, tall and gorgeous girl she is, and how she is able to pull off any clothes she wears and not feeling like whatever she wears makes her legs look huge, or just a pumpkin in certain clothing. I can never ever wear shorts like a normal girl could because my legs are absolutely disgustingly thick and with so much scars on it, that whenever i walk my pants would seem to roll up because of my fat inner thighs.
Everyone can always say that there is no point in comparing because there is always gonna be someone prettier skinnier more beautiful than you in YOUR pov... so many times i've heard it from so many people... daryl, jalene... whoever. Who doesn't compare you just cant help it when a beautiful girl walks over and you just stare at them when they walk past you because they are just so beautiful. There is never any competition to begin with, the battle is within you. I guess everyone has to stop looking at the negative sides of their looks and begin embracing what they already have that others would kill for, little things like having acceptable height, flawless skin, pleasant smile are what some people may not have and you do. We are always so caught up trying to make ourselves better that we are always so umhappy with the way we look. I've always had skin that glows and i never had to face my face at all. In fact... i dont even wash my face till i was 17. I never had problems with pimples, acne and i never had to put any cream or worry about getting sun burn(i think that getting sun burn is cool, just saying. HAHA) that will damage my skin... until when A levels hit me and all the damn pimples pop out like crazy that make me look feel like i should have cherished my skin and taking better care of it... though i still dont wash my face nowadays...
I had a total meltdown a few nights ago. It was the very first time something like this happen and i totally lost control and cried like crazy, the reason being i was turned down because i wasnt beautiful(skinny) enough for a job, and it hit me so hard because even though i always knew that i was never a very skinny girl but i didnt think i was so fat and so unpleasant to the eye that they decided not to hire me, and it just proves that whatever insecurities i ever felt about myself inside me somehow become something very true. I've been going out every single day after A levels and that day i just spent the whole day at home not wanting to talk/text anybody except those few and really thought about it. I reapplied and i got the interview on 30th December. I have now till 30th december to do something about myself. I guess im just a fighter; like no matter how many times i said i give up in every aspect of my life i will find myself trying again. But thats just me.
I had a talk with somebody close, and he asked me why i was trying so hard. I realized that i really want to be somebody that girls can relate to; girls just like me. Girls who have been struggling with being larger than average size than me and i really hope one day people would look up to me as someone that can relate to to seek comfort. I really hope to redefine beauty, no matter how you look, you still will feel good about yourselves, just like how Kim Kardashian, Beyonce redefined beauty as women with curves, just like how Jemma from the F word aspire many girls to dress as beautiful as she is even though she has an unconventional body type. Im still struggling with self acceptance as well, and im sure there are many girls out there who are going through the same struggle as me. But dont worry, those girls didn't feel confident overngiht, they are nurtured and built over the years. I really wish I can find self acceptance soon and love myself for the way I am. With that i end this rather heartfelt, deep sensitive post with a cliche quote that im sure you have heard before.

" If you aren't going to love yourself for the way you are, how do you expect anybody to love you for the way you are at all? "




Smile!