Victoria

Few months ago, it was the post O levels period. We had nothing. You fought with your best friend. We had no one, no priorities to study. It's just a period of pure bliss having someone you love so much by your side and have no studies to worry about. We fought, but those fights are being put out before it even began to burn. We solved problems together. We listened to each other.

Fast forward to 2 months later, I started school. Yes, I was the one who started showing my true colours by screaming at shouting at you while you were so patient and understanding towards me and my needs. I was so wrong, but you kept calm.

Another 2 months later, you started school. You started having new friends, you needed to study, that is where everything changed. I don't know what happened, we both did.

Sometimes I feel so helpless that I don't know what to do. I can't live with you, neither can I live without you. We don't seem to understand each other anymore like how we used to be. We talked things out nicely and heard each other's opinions before making a conclusion to end a stupid fight. All we ever do now is yell at each other and most of the time I end up crying helplessly and you fumed with anger.

It isn't the differences that is tearing us apart. We managed that when we are together for the first 3 months. What happened to us? What happened to perfect? How I wish I knew. Things will never be the same anymore. Im too sentimental and looking back at memories is just hurtful because I know nobody would ever share the same sentiments as me.

I can't breathe.

Little things.

It's those little things in life that makes us what we are today. Sure, the big things in life such as getting a pretty good result for your major exams, your wedding day and even getting your car license will be the things that makes us who we are today some way or another. However, it's about those little moments in life, especially those tough roads that bound to have many obstacles blocking our way from our goals, that makes our life worth keeping memories and looking back at.

It's also those little gestures from others, those small action of kindess that makes us remember why they mean so much to you. The beauty about little gestures is that the party doing it may not know their impact towards the receiver, yet it's still fondly etched in our minds. For example, I still remembered how my grandmother would ask me what I would want for lunch the next day so she could prepare for me. The food was always there in the living room on a small marble table when I've gotten home in primary school and it was always the highlight of my day after having such a rough day at school. I remembered how that my grandmother even ran after the school bus to the next stop just to hand me my art and crafts bag. Can you believe it? A 50+ year old then grandma chasing after my school bus just to hand me my stuff because she was so afraid that I will get scolded by my teacher for it. There are others who have made small gestures in my life back then that I still remember till this very day. My cousin, belle, had bought me a Barbie doll pouch because I told her I wanted one just like hers. The reason I wanted one? I just idolize her. I still do. The fact that she let me 'copy' her style back then didn't bother her but rather she acknowledged my idolization towards her which meant so much to me. Mr Jeremy Tan, my math tuition teacher back in primary 6 bought me bubble tea whenever he came my house for tuition. Presently, little gestures still touch my heart and I will definitely remember them few years down the road. my present math teacher, Mr Tan Yik Wei, commented casually that I am a smart girl and he's sure I'm able to do well eventually. Never in my seventeen years of my life a teacher has labelled me in the category of  'smart' but rather 'hardworking' , 'determined' or whatever synonym you could find but never 'smart' . Even though it was really a casual comment, but I've never ever felt that way about myself. It made me feel good even though deep down inside my heart I still do not think that im smart but I feel so acknowledged for being 'smart' even though I ask really stupid questions during tuition. It was just heart warming. Unknowingly, I started feeling more confident about myself and my ego definitely boast and I really felt better about myself ever since then. I started complaining lesser about being so stupid and being a slow learner but rather, ' I got this in the bag, I can do this, im Victoria. '

We may not know how our little gestures may affect other's life, but I would definitely try to make someone's day when I can.

Which brings me to my next point, Aaron.
I know many have questioned why im with him cause we have been fighting like two fighting fish being put in a tank. I am a very firm believer in astrology. I've read up on Cancer and Aries' compatibility, and we are definitely the very opposite of each other and we have a lot of differences between each other and those differences are in our personalities which cannot be changed. So why am I still with him when I know there are going to be so much fights like these because of our conflicting personalities. The reason is very simple. Despite our differences, he still made little gestures that kept our relationship alive and burning. Of course, he is the first guy that I've ever confessed to that felt the same way for me. Yes, I confessed, but don't go all judgemental on me.
As mentioned in knight in shining armour l, when I had fallen hopelessly in love with him back then, he was in love with someone else, or apparently so. Knowing that I had no chance with him, especially after the fact that he addresses me as sis, I just went on a self-destruction mode and blurted out my feelings when we had a very big fight on the last day of a 3-day cold war between us. I knew from the moment when I confessed to him, things would end between us. Not even being friends. However, he still replied my message but didnt said much but sorry for being such a bastard and he hoped that I would reply him the next day. It's those little gestures that he have done throughout the next few days that made me trust him that he was in love with me from the very start, and the other girl is just someone that he had forced himself to like her because he thought that he couldn't get me(he explained this to me in the later part of our relationship). He sent 10 emails, one each day when im away in Japan, made the effort to include emojis in our conversations even though he wasn't a very expressive person. Even after being in the relationship, he knows that i have a very bad temper and he would let me vent my anger on him. Whenever we end up not talking to each other, he still picks up my phone call, no matter how badly we have quarrelled. He picks up macdonalds and delivers it to my house when I said I really craved for Mcnuggets with curly fries at that point of time. All this cliché things, really made me want to hold onto this relationship because i feel that there is no point in quarrelling over something that didn't matter and forgetting whatever happy memories that we've ever had.

One little thing that Aaron said to me before when I felt insecure was, 'Whatever your past is, leave it in the past. I love you for the way you are now and what happened doesn't matter anymore. ' This meant so much to me because i have done terrible things in the past, things that even I am ashamed of myself too. Things that i wished that i wouldn't have done if i had the chance to turn back time and undo them. I'm trying so hard to run away from my past but sometimes it just catches me up like seeing my ex- school mates, ex-lovers coincidentally on the streets makes me want to hide away from all of them. I still have this fear up till today, but believe me, with aaron, it's getting better. Even though he knew me from a completely different background from most of you, he is accepting of whatever bad sins that i have done and he is completely non-judgemental about it. I have never felt so accepted by someone before, for the way that I am, and not someone they want me to be. Of course, I tell him about my past but he would just listen to me rant endlessly and not making a judgement about anything that i have done. This is something that I really appreciate him doing, this small gesture of his; accepting my past.

So, be sure to make an effort to make someone's day by doing a simple gesture for others. It can be opening doors for a complete stranger, helping a friend get coffee, send a motivational message. Who knows, they will remember that moment for the rest of their lives.

As some of you may know, my boy and I have been together for half a year now. It definitely wasn't a easy journey, but we are still together, making opposite ends work and I believe still going strong.

Time goes by and things get tougher. Time and work pulls couples apart, we are of no exception.
Let me rewind a little back to Valentine's Day. We were still as sweet as ever and everything was so blissful that everything seems so surreal. We made time for each other no matter what even when I have started schooling and he is still having his holidays. Having a hectic schedule, I had to literally squeeze out time just to go down to Topshop and get him a gift. Of course, I was whinny and everything because the weather was humid and my bag was so heavy. Got his gift, and immediately went back home and crashed on my bed till the very next morning for school. I woke up feeling like shit because I didn't do my homework and the feeling's so terrible that it kind of spoilt the Valentine's day atmosphere. After school, I went to his house during the evening and waited for him to cook for me my dinner as he promised (how sweet) while he gave me my valentine's day gift in a pretty pink box. I didn't know what was inside yet because it would be rude to open presents in front of your giver, so I contained my temptations and put it aside. However, he told me to open it and there was a little voice in my head going, ' Fuck yes! ' and opened it, anticipating what lies inside this pretty box. When I saw there's a pink cardigan, I remembered how I've always told him how I wanted a pink cardigan but never really had the chance to buy one because im just a stingy person. I was so happy that I gave him a big hug and off he went to prepare my dinner.  

Honestly, he took a long, long time to cook up my dinner and I kind of dozed off a little in front of his computer. When he served me his home cooked dinner, I was so impressed of how detailed he had placed each ingredients side by side to make it look so scrumptious. There was a side of vege, nicely diced up potatoes and a grilled chicken with a few pieces of lemon laying perfectly on it. It was perfect. I'm so impressed that my boy took in all those tiny little details while on the other hand i'm just that kind of girl who would mash everything up because I feel that whatever's on the plate would go into my mouth anyway. I really need to learn how to cook! After he had sent me home, he told me there was another item that is in the box that he have given to me lying beneath the pink cardigan. I opened it again and took out the cardigan, only to find a deck of cards there. I took it out and only to find that they were the cards that I had accompanied him to buy the other day at Dhoby Ghaut because he told me he needed for a magic trick. The only difference was, the once blank cards have all been filled up. all 52 of them. I was so touched and I cried upon seeing those handwritten cards right in front of my eyes. Never in my life would I have thought that a boy would actually do all these for me. The surprise doesn't just stop here; He had uploaded a valentine's day video for me which he did overnight at Alfian, his best friend 's chalet because he wanted to spend the day with me because I was being cancelled upon the last minute. I really feel so blessed having him doing all these for me while pathetic me just bought him a jacket and wrote a pretty card for him. (dang, im useless).

After he have started school, things start to go from fairytale land to what a normal relationship would end up like; fights and quarrels. This is the point of the relationship where couples start to find little flaws about each other that they have not noticed before or just brushed it aside because they are just so happy together becomes unavoidable. His materialistic mindset and my emotion-orientated personality became a serious problem in our relationship that has led us to countless fights and tears. We can quarrel over stupid little things like how he forgets to send me monthsary texts or I hung up on his phone call without saying goodbye. We started pointing out and digging out each other's flaws and after each fight the next one is even more serious. It came to a point of time where we literally just wanted to bite each other's heads off because our conflicts can never be solved. We were so miserable and we did not know what to do because it seemed like our fights are endless. And then it hit us - there is no point trying to change the other person and argue about how much you've given in a relationship; being in a relationship is about giving. We give without expecting any returns. Yes, it seems kind of crazy but it worked for us and we started quarrelling lesser and lesser. There is no point trying to fight over things that when once we have woken up, we wouldn't even remember what we have quarrelled about. Yes, I know everyone has been there, done that. Im guilty of that as well.

We quarrelled till so badly that we were near the breaking point of no return. We wanted to give up, but deep down inside we still love each other and we would die without each other. He have definitely given compromises and I have definitely given mine. We express our love so differently for each other, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. There is no way this relationship is going to be easy because both of us are in the stage of life whereby any wrong step, and that's it for us. For me, its getting that bloody A level cert, while him, keeping up a good GPA so that he's able to enter a local university after he has served NS. Seeing how badly we have fought during the period of time where I have my SA1s and his common tests, I believe there are gonna be more breaking points, but I am not going to give up so easily because I am not going to let go something that is so dear to my heart just to pursue materliastic goals. As a 21st century teenager, we are trained to do the impossible; sleeping less than 5 hours a day, finish piles of homework by the very next day, juggle cca and studies at the same time. I don't see why I need to find the excuse to let go the only good thing in my life right now.

I love you, asshole. :)