Victoria

Don't get me wrong, I didn't lose passion blogging. I'm just feeling very lost in life. 

Over the course of this very privileged long holiday, I had the time to think about what I really want to  do in my life for the first time. Thinking back, I've never really thought about what I want to do in life. I always had the same mentality that I just have to push and go through the norm of finishing my education - meaning primary school, secondary school, JC/Poly and University. 

I got so caught up in chasing certificates that only entitles me entrance to the next stage of my education that I forgot what i was doing it for. I guess everyone in Singapore would feel the same way as I do, because all we ever hear from our parents is how we can't succeed in life in any way without a degree. 

We are made to go through all that without having any time to explore our interests or give any thoughts about what we want  to do in our future. Yes, schools will be throwing us pamphlets after pamphlets of the wide variety of choices we have, endless talks about what Uni could offer you that you understand nothing about other than the course name itself. 

I feel that i'm just like any other Singaporean kid out there just trying to get our certificate. I've never really made any major decisions in my life before to defer from the route set out for us. Even if i did, I never succeeded in carrying it out anyway, being afraid that I was going to get judged and deemed as a loser. 

After O levels, I went for Poly open houses and i was set in getting into NP's mass communication because it offered what I think I would love to do back then. Be it a journalist, photographer, editor for a magazine, radio DJ. In the end, I stuck to JC because in my mind it was the safest way for me to get to my final destination, which is entering a local university. I sacrificed what I liked and suffered for another 2 years of my life. 

It's like a school system all over again, timetable, teachers, one major examination to determine my fate. Everything is so familiar and I know how things run, especially going through PSLE and O levels. The fact that I knew how things are going to be makes me feel at ease, I stayed in my comfort zone. 

Unlike poly, there are so many things one has to do, projects, assignments, learning things other than english, sciences and humanities. 

At the end of JC1, I applied to TP communication studies because I wanted to do something that I like. I felt that i was drowning in JC, simply because I couldn't cope with the workload and almost getting retained. 

In the end, when I knew i got promoted, I just told myself that it was just another 1 year and I'm done with it.

I held on.

I've completed my A levels. I didn't do very well but managed to get into local Uni, but i couldn't choose the course I wanted - NTU's Communication Studies. 

Here, i'm just stuck with this course that I don't look forward to. 

Every single day I dread to the day whereby I'm going to start uni because I know I'm going to suck at engineering. 

I think it's fair enough to say that I won't be good at it not because I'm a negative person, but honestly I've struggled enough since primary school with any math subject I took up.

I hated it, no it's not even a strong word to describe it, I detest it. 

Now, for once in my life I know what I want to do, I want to write. I want to write about things. What in particular? I do not know specifically yet.

I just have this burning passion to write, and not just any typical writing, I want to write so that people understand what I'm writing and relate to it. 

I just feel so lost right now in my life, because I can't do whatever I want to do and will end up suffering and giving away four more years of my youth in studying something I know im going to hate and suck at it. 

If only I could turn back time, I would have followed my heart instead to chase my dreams.

I could have been offered the skills I needed to bring me closer to being a journalist. 

I would have a clearer and better idea of what I should do to become a successful one too. 

Right now, what do I have with me? Just a ticket to university and no skills at hand. I really don't want to become an engineer for the rest of my life, neither do I want to have a desk job from 9-6. 

Im stuck at this crossroad right now whereby I have to make a U-turn in order to have a shot at doing what I love which is to go back to poly, or just go all the way completing the norm of a student life in singapore and let my dream slowly fade away as I grow older. 

People say your dreams become smaller as you grow older. 

I'm a dreamer, and even I feel that I'm slowly giving up on mine too because there is no way in making my dreams to become a reality. I applied to several companies but none of them wanted me, but who could blame them for I'm just have an A level degree. 

This post is just for me to vent my fustration because I've becoming so numb towards my life. I used to be so excited about everything. Going MacRitchie to hike even though I even hate to walk, exploring cafes on my own, begging my parents to let me just to go overseas because I want to see the world. Joined competition and outings so that I could meet new people. 

Now i'm just living every passing day working or catching up with friends. I don't find any reason for me to go out there to explore and update this space anymore. I feel lost in life. 

To all the kids out there, I just want you to know that if there is a calling for you to go and chase your dreams because your heart can't be wrong. 

Whatever spark the interest in you, whatever makes you excited is something worth chasing and taking that leap of faith to do it. 

Even if it means taking a gap year to pursue your travelling for a whole year, taking up a CCA that you love even though you know you won't be able to cope with your studies. Studies isn't everything. For all you know, I'm that kind of girl who would prioritize studies above everything else and I missed out on so many things. I missed out on JC1 camp because I was too busy trying to get integration, missed out in Leadership camp where I could have bond with my fellow councillors more because I was afraid I couldn't cope and many little things that i wish i did like going UK lit trip back in sec 3.

I regretted every single opportunity that I gave up for my studies. 

Life is too short to be chasing worthless paper. Chase your dreams before it's too late. Live your life and do what you love instead of choosing the comfortable path leading to a comfortable job but not what you love. For all you know, you are going to be stuck in the job your degree leads you probably for the rest of your life. 

As for me well, I do not know what are my plans going to be. Whoever is reading this, thankyou for still keeping up with my life in this space. It means a lot to me to know that people do love what I write about. 

Till then.

Always follow your heart, take that leap of faith to do what you love.