Some of you may know that i didn't fair well in my O levels. For the past few weeks there was so much self-hatred, deceit, negatibity inside of me that i didn't have the courage to face anyone except for a few close and dearest to my heart people. Looking back, I've given my best, and i couldn't give anymore even if i rewind time. After much reflection, i guess its just because of the wrong subject combination that i had taken, or probably the way that i've studied was wrong. I honestly felt that the burning, ferocious flame in me that kept me going for years just flickered and extinguished. It took much encouragement, comfort and support that got me back up my feet and going. I really dont know what i would do without my family and my dearest. After all, that phase of life is gone and i need to brace myself and shine. I may not burn as bright as the others now, but its not too late yet. I need to smile and push through everything.
I really can't wait for the week where he officially quits his job and have the whole week with me. I've already planned every single day out on that week. Its a short post cause i dont really feel like blogging hehe, gonna blog again soon sometime this week!
I've got to be honest, right after the last o level paper i've pushed every thought about o level results and enjoyed every day of my holiday till every bit of it. Right now, i cant push it away any longer because im going to get my results tomorrow. Suddenly, there's this surge of anxiety and fear within me, plunging into every single cell of my being that makes me shiver and tremble at the thought of it. I wish i can run away from it even longer, but i know that i got to face it sooner or later. Thinking back, these four years of my education hasnt really been easy on me, it was a really tough journey indeed with many traumas that i had to face in between and the stress that i had faced throughout my secondary 4 life.
Im feeling really, really stressed out now because i really have no idea what to expect for my results tomorrow. It just seem so misty, clouded. I hate not knowing how my future looks like because i absolutely hate uncertainty, especially when im so insecure all the time. I know that ive gave in my 100% for this o levels and i couldnt study even harder if i had the ability to turn back time. Those who know me, you should totally understand what im saying now.
Of course, i didnt make this journey through alone. There are definitely many precious people that had helped me through my darkest times.
Firstly, i would really want to thank bennett tan for being with me through most of my secondary school life. He is the one who was always there for me when i needed him, supported me through every decision that i had made even though it was stupid. Through massive heartbreaks from guys who doesnt deserve me, those j.co study sessions and spazzing over hot guys with me, receiving text messages from him asking for my well being from time to time and heartwarming words of encouragement from time to time. He is really like a big brother who looks after me through all these years and i can always count on him if i have no one else to turn to. He is so, so precious to me and he has definitely made my life much brighter with his presence around because he gives me a sense of security and rubs his positive vibes on me every single time.
Secondly, my best friend charlotte. I know that both of us are very academic-priority people and we dont talk a lot. However, i always, always think about you from time to time. Whenever i felt like giving up, i will always think about the promise that i've made to you when ive gotten my secondary 1 CA1 results that day, sitting on Tanah merah platform waiting for my train to arrive. You are the reason why ive pushed myself so hard and someone whom i always idolize. Believe it or not, ive always secretly wished that i could be more like you. I really dont know how you can toerate my nonsense from primary 6 david lam dumb dumb till now, still as emotional as ever. I know you are short tempered, but do know that i love you no matter what, no matter how harsh you scream at me because i know you care. We've been through so much together, so much apart. I just wish that i could get into the same school as you and create more memorable moments with you, together like how we've planned 4 years ago. I didnt know how strong our friendship was till it was being put to test by separating us to different secondary schools. It is no coincidence why we had lasted till now. No one understand me like you do, and you will never ever judge me no matter how ridiculous i am. Charlotte, i would never ever forget the promise that ive made with you, every single one of them. We still have yet to go overseas together with kaising when we are older. I just want to tell you that im very remorseful that ive let you down if i dont get the results to go to the same jc as you. You have no idea how guilty i will feel. Nonetheless, you will still forever be my best friend no matter the results. I love you. Like ive said, if u get more than 10, i will let you sit on my head for as long as you like. :)
Thirdly, you should know who you are. Thankyou for giving me so much confidence in myself over the past one year. No one has ever told me that im beautiful and had realized how different i am from other girls. Thankyou for being there for me, through my tears, my tantrum during the o level period. Thankyou for believing in me no matter what. Thankyou, for being there for me everyday, everytime when i needed you. Thankyou for not persuading me to drop to combine science like how everyone else did because you know how much i love physics. Thankyou for seeing through my worst and supporting me after prelims when you know ive done badly for it. It was definitely a wake up call for me. I know the way i study during the Pre-Os post prelim period is really scary, but you never failed to cool me down after my emotional break downs from time to time and keep assuring me with words like ' Im sure you will do well, look at you, you are so hardworking. ' I would always shoot you back with ' hardworking doesnt get you anywhere ', but today, i wouldnt. I've always admired how you managed to stay positive even though you almost got retained in sec 3 and bloomed in sec 4 and never gave up. You are definitely someone i should look up and learn from, because ive never met someone so bubbly as you who stayed so calm through the tough times. I know ive always taken you for granted, but i guess we just arent meant to be because ive always look as you as my brother and nothing more. I am sorry for all the hurt that ive caused you that made you behaved so desperately. I just want you to know, without you, i wouldnt know what to do without you and i wouldnt be who i am know it werent for you. You've guided me through my sec 4 life and i couldnt be more thankful. If you didnt came into my life, i would still be that quiet, shy, shut-everyone-out girl who sees the world as nothing but full of betrayal and hurt. I really appreciate all those words of encourgement and how you always believed that my future seems so bright to you. You opened up my world and let me see things that i didnt see in myself before, be it illusional or not, it had definitely made me feel better about myself. You are a very smart boy, dont deny it anymore okay. All the best for tomorrow. Im sure you will be smiling as usual, like the cheerful boy u are!
Fourth, all my teachers who had taught me and had consultations with namely Mdm Wan, Ms Yang, Mrs Chia, Mrs Chan, Mr Mubarak, Mr Lim wm, Mdm yeo, Mdm sabina, Mr choy.
And of course those teachers that had helped me with consultations after school even though im not their student especially Miss Yam and Ms Yang.
Mdm Wan, thankyou for always encouraging me and telling me how to perfect my english and improve my word to perfection. Although you didnt have much time for me cause you have many students, but you are always like a mother to me and a great teacher that made me want to give my best and not to lose up in English even though im not very strong in it.
Mrs Chan, for being the mother towards me. I still get chills in my nerves whenever you caught me by surprise by asking me questions in chemistry lab. I know ive always hated chemistry and you had tried your best to help me, even at the very last minute which u absoutely hate.
Choy, for always being so concerned for my maths and teaching me tough love. Thankyou for always asking me about my maths after every lesson and always giving extra remedial just to help me. I still remembered you using your lunch break going through my TYS while eating your noodle beside me. Haha!
Mdm sabina! For not giving up on me when i went to her at the last minute. Ive got to be honest, i didnt really liked her but i kind of grew fonder of her after millions of consultations with her and she didnt even mmind me taking up her slots. Without her, i think my lit would just end up in crash and burn. &, thankyou for the comfort message at night when i thought i didnt answer the question for my Os. To know that i didnt really calmed me down for my remaining papers.
Miss yam, even though im not your student, you still welcome me with open house and gave in your best and attention for me to brush up my social studies. I still remember the first time i apprached you was during night studies when i didnt get how to do usefulness question. I guess somehow your friendliness made me want to have a teacher like you!
Weiming, for always choosing your words when you are talking to me cause you know im sensitive. I can never ever have any cooler econs teacher than you! :) Thankyou for taking the time for marking each and every one of my econs essays which i think may have accumulated to at least 20 during that one month. I just wish that i had approached you earlier. I was so scared of you cause you seemed so hostile. Just really glad that i got to know you better in the last month of my time as a sec 4.
I have so many, many reasons to be thankful because i have so many precious people that have helped me through not forgetting my tuition teachers miss kerk and mrs quekie, my mother who always told me she loves and be proud of me no matter what result that i get and my dad for being so confident in me.
So, i'll just cross my fingers, and hope for the best tomorrow.
I just know that ive given my very very best and i have nothing to regret. I will get the desirable results that i want for my o levels, because i deserve it and it will be tears of joy tomorrow. #thesecret
xoxo ciao! :)
