So what am I doing with my life?

September 16, 2014

I used to think that school is so fun. I remembered how im always so excited about going to school. I would wake up and prepare early for class, read ahead and pay extra attention in class in primary school. All i ever wanted to do is to be studious and school never felt torturous. I even volunteered in doing so many things like being the group leader and helping teachers carry their books because i love the feeling of being a teacher's pet; but that was in lower primary. As i've grown older, i somehow gotten more sensitive towards the people around me, starting to have bigger goals and bigger dreams in life. At that point in time it was doing well for my PSLE and go to my dream school Anglican High because i really wanted to join my cousin there. I was like the model student and teachers really, really loved me back then. Now, when i look back, i really wondered what happened to the old me that was so passionate about school.


Secondary school was hell torturous. Over time you would realize that you are not the smartest and you start being stressed up about whether you can make it in life. I really hated my secondary school's culture of putting academics being ahead of everything else. Even though the school motto is we care; yeah caring only about academics that's what i would say. Yes i do admit that academics are really important. But what if some people are just late bloomer and maybe some are really trying their best but still failing anyway? Im one of those people who try and have been constantly failing and failing. I absolutely hate it when they have this firing squad whereby we will get send to some little room in the library and get fired bullets of hurtful comments and remarks from not only one, but four teachers. Are you kidding me right now? Can you even imagine the poor kid sitting infront of four teachers getting reprimanded for studies? I know that some people just need that extra push or just that little wake up call but some may not take it so well and may even just give up trying to study because they cannot go through with those comments. The worst is that they shove down forms and ask you to drop your subject combinations when they think you cannot handle what you took. Its okay to give a suggestion, but its not okay to influence how we feel whats best for us. Yes, we are young and may not be the best judge for whats the best, but no one is because the teachers are not in our shoes, and i really think that is emotionally traumatizing to make such a decision when it is so near O levels.
If i were to turn back time, i would never have dropped anything too even though what i had gotten for my grades isnt the best but AT LEAST i knew i gave it a shot. I really love physics and even though its a subject that i totally just suck at it but i really want to sit for it and see the outcome for myself, be it whether its good or bad. All these huge emphasis on studies really made me not want to go to school. I would occasionally just skip classes and study at home because the environment is too competitive for me to handle, or sometimes i just cant be bothered anymore due to the overwhelming stress. 

And then there comes along JC, which brings what i defined as hell to a whole new level. In JC1 you have to worry about promos and you are just killing yourself just to get promoted and the fear of retaining makes you break down every now and then. If promos isnt bad enough there comes along JC2 which you practically hate waking up every morning because the stress just keeps piling up as A levels are drawing closer and closer. It's like if you screw up for A level, it feels like the end of the world; although if you look at this from a wider point of view it isnt but hey who doesnt feel like it when you are doing your As? It really sucks.
School isnt as enjoyable anymore and neither is life. I often wonder why do we kill ourselves pursuing education for 16 years of your life and then go into the working world knowing nothing about it? The things we do may not even require a degree holder. 

I have this mindset that i just have to go through with this path because its what i should do and what society has planned us to go through. But seriously, everyday in my life i keep asking myself why am i even doing this, studying so hard and working my ass off just to get an a level cert which doesnt even worth anything but an entry to university. 

People kept telling me to just study hard and things will work out eventually but work out what? Most people dont live their dreams and doing what they love. They are just working for the sake of working. For me, ive always wanted to do something different, something that not many would pursue but at least i love doing it. I'd rather get paid lowly doing the things i love than to work in an office leading a typical mundane life. Life is just too short. Way too short for us to waste it away. Although even though i may have all these thoughts in my head, i cant pursue them because society forbids. Singapore has been an increasingly expensive country to live in and the cost of living is high. I dont have money to go overseas to pursue anything unless im on a scholarship(which is kinda impossible at this point in time). 

" They always say with time, you will figure what you want to do with your life. "
I have been telling myself this since 10, that everything will work out eventually and i will find my dream. 
im already 18, im still as clueless as i was before 8 years ago not knowing what to do with my life to have any worth on this earth.

They always say time heals all wounds, cease all conflicts, solve all problems. 
But yet, i still dont realize what i am doing with my life. 











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