Im breaking. I dont even know why.
Everything seemed so perfect. There isnt anything wrong or anything to quarrel about. Yet, i am always the one having the most to complain about when the other party never ever complained about me for my flaws or my past.
Maybe im just meant to be alone, because whenever i fall in love, i fall so hard that i will move mountains for the person i really love; head over heels literally.
It isnt surprising because honestly i cant stand myself, why would i expect anyone to even love me? Im so imperfect, far from being anything perfect. I constantly feel that im the factor that is constantly dragging people down because im just so negative all the time.
You know its easy to tell me just not to think about negative thiings, but its just in my nature and its just me. Its like telling someone to control their anger when you know they are born hot tempered. Yes, all these can be changed. But, when something is just part of you, you will just tend to relapse and be back to the person you try so hard to leave behind. There is just this part of you that would never really leave you no matter how hard you try to change yourself. Admit it, everyone faces this problem of wanting to become a better person, a better lover, a better human being, but we would just end up in a vicious cycle and stuck with what we are in the first place.
I love attention. Who doesnt. Some people just show it more outwardly and some people just want to a little more than others. Is it really so wrong to want attention from the one you love? There is a fine line between giving your other party space and being treated like invisible, only to be visible when someone needs me.
Im just so tired of trying so hard to be a better person and the other party just doesnt want to change a thing to make a relationship works. Why am i always the one giving in, changing, compromising? Everyone has a breaking point being tolerant, and when being tolerant just cant block you from feeling so fucking negative about yourself because you/ll realize your other party doesnt give a god damn shit anymore, you/ll fall, head first to the hard concrete ground. And, when you realize you have fallen in love too deep, the only way you will ever be is get hurt.
I feel so jealous whenever i see other couples meeting each other everyday after school, and most of the time you just arent there. You dont even bother to ask if we wanted to meet. You have never said you missed me even when we dont meet for weeks. I feel like im in a relationship whereby i just need to be there when you need me, when you dont have your friends. Thats when you come to find me. I hate it when you separate your social life and me altogether. It isnt wrong, but like ive said, there is a fine line between being inviisble and giving you the space. You were never there for me when i needed you most of the time when im so stressed out over my studies. My family is in a mess and you just told me to ignore because wow its thats so easy i wouldnt have turned to you for help. Is it so wrong to ask for a little more attention for you? At least i dont feel so invisible and like a third wheel when you have no one to talk to. Im a girl no matter how much i made it look like i dont need you. I fucking do. I dont say it because it makes me look weak. I have to even ASK to have your attention? Thats just messed up.
I dont want this kind of relationship, whereby you are just another add on to my life. You are part of my life, the most important person in my life. I dont see the point in being called your girl when all you ever do is treat me the same way as your friends. Even your friends receives more attention from you than me. So why the hell do you even want me in your life since you love them so much?
I just cant take it anymore. Im tired of fighting to keep you in my life when all you ever do is take life as it is because you never ever fought for what you want in life. You never ever wanted anything bad enough to give your all. Your studies? Your cca? Me? Nothing really ever mattered to you anyway.
Its funny how we looked so perfect and trouble free on the outside to so many others, but deep down its not the case.
I fought with you because i want to talk things through, to talk things out so that we could work our way together as a couple. But you never ever gave in, u arent willing to change when ive done so much for myself to make you have a better girl. And all i ever ask for you is to be there for me... and you cant even do that.
I feel so lonely when in a relationship. And its funny how we are in the same school and chance upon each other now and then, but the time we spend together is less than those guys out there who are in army with their girl.
I have you, but deep down all i could feel is sadness and loneliness. Thats just not the way things should be...and honestly, im done trying to solve it because you obviously dont care anymore x.