Like everyone else on this world. Im flawed. Im never perfect. These flaws seems to mould me into someone that I would really hate if I were to become another person. I have anger issues. Yes, I may seem calm, cheerful and everything but I have so much resentment in me that I vent at anyone and snap at everyone. The worst person that faces all my angers is actually yunhan. I would yell at him when he doesn’t tell me what he wants to say clearly like where and when to meet or what is his intention of doing certain things. I can’t stand his laziness and his lack of sensitivity towards my feelings. I cant stand it when he is late just for a few minutes, I can’t stand him asking too many questions because it irritates me. I would go to extreme ends to express my anger by pushing him away and yell at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. Ironically, It was the exact same thing that B did to me because he always thinks that he is so mighty and im inferior towards him. I feel exactly the same towards yunhan; going around thinking that im superior and he must give in to me. I have no idea how he can stand my temper throughout these 8 months. I really hate myself for being so nasty towards such a great gentleman like him and it really heart wrenching to see him getting hurt and me being a monster. I constantly compare him towards his brother who is an overachiever and constantly complained about his looks when he is always the one complementing me constantly whenever I feel insecure and even sending ‘Good morning, beautiful!’ everyday. I always take his messages and his tolerance for granted. Who knows one day he might snap and he will be gone forever. I really salute him for being able to stand my anger. Because of yunhan’s tolerance, he had let this monster grow in me. I constantly feel angry when things don’t go my way. It was until I snapped when B didn’t reply my text and rejected my call. I seriously feel like stabbing myself for being so selfish and thinking about myself all the fucking time. I constantly feel that im better than everyone at everything and I must be the best at everything. If I don’t, I will feel like a major loser and blame myself for being so useless. I am definitely guilty at looking down at people and I have no idea why I subconsciously do that. Im not so great and mighty myself. I expect a lot from myself. It may be because that my mother had to give up her education at TJC because she didn’t even have enough money and I want to get a high paying job so that she doesn’t have to live day by day on her pay and save up her money just to spend on me. I’ve been given the luxury of having my own room, study table and a perfect family. What more could I ever want from them? My mother had never stress on education. She would always tell me to try my very best, and that’s all that mattered to her. However, it was more than that for me. Im so driven to do well in life and I had the mindset that if I graduate with flying colors from university I was able to get what I wanted; materialistic wealth. After 10 years of my life studying, I kind of figured out that studying isn’t my forte. I push, I pushed myself so hard that I constantly break down because I constantly being reminded that I wasn’t good enough by the school and my grades. Deep down inside, I know that in incapable and that is already my best because trust me, when I say I work hard, I work 10x harder than anyone else. I had never gotten what I want. Everyone had their A*s and their 240-260 scores in their PSLE and im a loser with 233 after working so much harder than them. I thought secondary school would be different but it is just all the same. I can even tell that my primary school 6/4 friends look down on me when I told them ive gotten B3 for my Chinese after retaking it for the second time when no one fell below an A2 in their first attempt. I felt like a complete loser with no direction ahead of me. My future seems so bleak because all I ever do was give my best, but apparently I have to accept that best wasn’t good enough. It never will be for the society. Am I so useless? I fail at so many things that im forced to believe that im not gonna make it. It hurts. Maybe I had chosen the wrong school to be in. Honestly, when I had first stepped into temasek, I don’t even feel that I belong. 4 years had gone by and nothing has changed. I still feel the same way I did 4 years ago. Somehow, I feel that Im able to bloom if im somewhere else, somewhere but this school which I don’t belong. It had been tortuous for me. Ive lost my group of friends, ive lost the passion for the things that actually matter like class manager because of incapable- I shall not say. I wasn’t given enough attention and practice because of my Chinese teacher in secondary three who is seriously irresponsible. For the first time in my life, I had never felt so lonely before after he had left me. I felt like it was the end of the world because he used to be such a huge part of my life. I lost everything. I came to temasek with nothing and leave with no good memories being forged. The only wish that I ever want is to get 6 points for my o levels to get Into TJC and escape this hellhole forever. Ive lost 4 years of my precious life trying to figure out who I really am and where I fit. For an insecure girl who constantly needs attention and company, I really needed so much courage and strength just to be alone. However, I grown stronger. I’ve grown independent and had learnt to rely on nobody but myself. The only person that kept me sane was my dearest best friend. I still remember that pact I had made with her when I was back in secondary 1, sitting at tanah merah platform texting her after ive gotten my term 1 progress report. Time flew, and its O levels. I don’t even know that I can make it to the same jc as her, and im just gonna feel so devastated when I receive my results next year, thinking that how my stupidity had caused me my chance of being in the same jc as her. I really, really love her so much. She saw me through the lowest point in my life. She really did. Looking back, ive hurt so many people in the progress of pursuing my studies. Ive always snapped at anyone who will get in my way of my studies, and I even cut ties with a dear friend because she always wanted to go out with me but I didn’t had the time and I felt that she was a hindrance towards my goal. I don’t even know those sacrifices are worth it. Right now, all I can do is to look forward and pray that my future after graduating from temasek will be a better one. Trust me, anywhere is better than temasek. I even urge my brother not to go to temasek because it sucks like shit in so many ways, especially with a screwed up Chinese department forcing people to drop hcl when they don’t the requirements, firing squads, forcing people to drop subjects just because our prelims are bad. Fuck this school. Im gonna be out of this school soon and im never coming back. Never.