I cant believe that im so neglected by my parents. Okay, maybe neglected is too much of that intensity. I just feel that im always being unappreciated by them. My brother had gotten 240 for his psle results while i had 235. He had received showers of praises and expensive gifts from each of my family members. When i mean each i really mean each. My aunt gave him 200 dollars, my dad bought him a big ass punching bag and a set of boxing gloves which i believe it could just easily cost over 500. My grandma gave him some money as well and my mum bought him a feast/buffet. So what did i get when i had scored 5 points lower than him? nothing. Not even praises. The first reaction when i told my mum that i had gotten 235 was ' oh, so what school do you wanna go?' Its really saddening that i can never be good enough for them in their eyes. Like never. They didnt even paid attention to me when i had gotten my first trophy for poetry recitation in primary 2. They didnt even know i was chosen to be a school prefect. They paid no attention when i had gotten 2nd in class in primary 5. They didnt even know what was going on in my secondary school life then. They didnt even cared what results that i get, they didnt even know i managed to get 8th in class in the first semester of sec 4 and worse of all, they dont even know im a freaking exco of class managers and i designed my class tee/cm tee by myself for everyone. They are never proud of what i do because they feel that its just expected of me. Im proud of myself even though some are minor because i worked hard for it. These things dont just fly to me. I have to earn them. If im not proud of myself, who would? I bet they they wouldnt even give a fuck if im the top scorer in O levels. Im not born smart. They jolly well should know given the fact that i almost failed math in primary 2 when everyone was getting 80,90. I was never bright. Ive gotten to the last 5s class in primary school because of my math. Ive got promoted up and stayed in a 5s because ive got 75 for both english and chinese. Do they even know how difficult it is for me to produce results? During my PSLE year, i clearly remembered that i literally brought 5 math papers to do during the trip to china. On the plane,, in the hotel at night, anytime possible. I slipped into depression because results arent showing and that i was still failing math. Others were just mediocre. Same goes to my secondary school results. It has always been mediocre. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I DIDNT STUDY. I DIDNT WORK HARD. I DID. Whatever i do isnt by chance, by intelligence or by luck. I make things happen by myself, my tears and sweat. All i ever needed was your acknowledgement or at least give a fuck about what i do in school. If you can do that to my brother, why cant you spare some thought for me too? Next thing, i really dont understand the definition of thin. Whenever someone says a girl is thin, all i look at are just bones and nothing else. I guess everyone's definition is pretty much the same. Thin: underweight. I feel like a freaking laughing stock whenever i stand next to him. I can hear the voices inside me constantly telling me ' what are you thinking siok? his friends would totally laugh at you for being such a fat, ugly pig. who are you to think that yu deserve him?' All those mockings inside my head seemes so real that im starting to believe in it. I feel so embarrassed telling others that he is my boyfriend because they would just go like ' him? you serious? what the hell does he ever see in you? ' Even if they dont say it to my face, they would just look at me top to toe and give me a sly smile and judge me in their hearts. I know everyone's gonna say look arent all that matters to cover it up. BUT LOOKS BLOODY MEANS A LOT TO ME. Dont tell me you dont care about looks because everyone does have a certain standard of the other half. Looks is what builds up a person's confidence. I know it definitely builds up mine. Everytime when i look myself in the mirror, i would feel so disgusted and self hatred would start to grow within me and course through every fibre of my body. Its that contagious. I will never feel that im good enough for him unless im super model thin. Of course im not gonna sit here and whine. I can do that for all i want. Im gonna do whatever it takes even if it means being anorexic to be what he deserves because i just love him too much and couldnt bear to see him get laughed at for having such an obese girlfriend.