There's been something that had been that have been sticking onto my mind and no matter how hard i try, i just cant seem to shake it off. Jealousy is a very strong word. I thought that i will never succumb to those feelings, especially in a relationship. Jealousy is for the weak, and im afraid im turning into one weakling. I really hate mentioning the past because i know it doesnt matter anymore. I really dont see the point remembering the things that make you upset till you reduce to self hatred and all those painful emotions that no one ever wants to experience. This probably explains why i always tell everyone to keep secrets to themselves, the reason why i dont have any sad songs in my phone and dont watch melancholy dramas or movies. However, with him, the past just seems inevitable. I told him that i didnt want to know anything or whoever that had been with him because i know i will take it very hard. I believed that ignorance was a bliss. Ive tried to rule out curiosity because it had killed me many times over the past 2 years. Somehow, those information that ive been trying so difficult to avoid started unfolding infront of my eyes as we've gotten closer. I knew that once ive known bits and pieces of it, im gonna piece everything together and it will serve as a blow to me. I like to be the best in everything, or probably just think that i am because its my confidence that keeps me together and the strong driving force to excel in anything. If its lost, i'll be nothing. Nothing at all. I hate to run away from my problems, yet i dont have the courage to face them as well. After knowing things about his ex, ive never felt so inferior, so lost. Its like everything that i do will never be as good as them. He'll tell me things that im the best and im how amazing i am. However, i'll just think that he might have told all these to others as well before and that im really nothing that special. Sometimes, i secretly wish that im prettier, skinnier, smarter. If i was, i wouldnt have all these self esteem issues. Of course every girl has them but believe me I care about my image so much, more than anything else and i guess this just magnifies my self esteem issues. She's prettier than me, she has such a melodious voice, she is so charismatic, she is so lady like, she is smarter than me, she is skinnier than me. She is everything that i am not. I dont understand why i have to be so indifferent from others. Im so insecure that i hate myself so much for being so whinny all the time. I wish i can slap myself or something and do something about it instead of dwelling over it. SO, after this post, i will not dwell about it anymore and move on once and for all.