So, its going to be his 18th birthday soon and i wanted to plan a birthday party for him. I wanted to make it grand for him, therefore i asked his usual clique of friends who have been through his whole secondary school life with to make it special and meaningful. As such, i went to contact a friend of his, obviously the one who is the most amiable and approachable. I roughly told him what i wanted to do for his birthday. However, he had something else in mind. He told me that since two of his clique have their birthday on the almost same dates, he told me to let his clique settle his birthday and let them celebrate for him. He asked me again if im alright with it. I agreed to it unwillingly.

I feel so disheartened. I mean, i know that his friends mean a lot to him because they have been through years of thick memories and friendship, even way, way before he had met me. Their bonds are as strong as giant lattice colvalent structure and i have no right to destroy that because i have just been in his life for 3 months, maybe 6 months when he first met me. However, i just feel so disheartened and unimportant. It's his 18th birthday, so i shouldnt be complaining about it and just let his clique do his birthday party for him and i should sit in one corner and suck my thumb like a big loser girlfriend because i can't connect with them. I have never ever had such difficulties communicating with people. I've always thought that being friendly and daring makes me approachable and easy to talk to. What now? I just get left out; and not just any event, but his 18th birthday. I dont know why im making a big fuss about his birthday, but its probably because its the first time im gonna celebrate his birthday with him and probably its because its his 18th. I know that he will definitely enjoy it with his friends, but somehow deep down in my heart i just wish that im there for him as well.

I just feel like a freaking loser. Im already very insecure about myself, today just made it worst. I've always felt like im the reacher trying to keep my prince charming beside me while he is the settler settling for something lesser than he deserves. He is just so perfect in every way that i cant even find any flaws with him. While me? im just a fucking screwed up girl trying to keep her life together. Till now, i still dont know what does he ever see in me for him to fall in love with me. I hate myself so much sometimes. Call me emotional, but come on every girl wants her prince charming in their lives, and now that i have him, im so afraid of losing him because i really cant find any reason about me for him to stay with me. Whenever i walk beside him i'll feel that everyone's looking at us thinking, ' why the hell are these two couple even together? '
I feel so insecure all the time whenever im with him. I've never ever felt so bad about myself, ever. Maybe he's just too perfect and i can never be good enough for him.

I honestly didnt see this coming, but it really hit me hard, on my face. Maybe his friends just feel that im not good enough for him and he is definitely off for someone better. Well its not a surprise because i kinda felt it somewhere inside my heart, and my feeling's never wrong. Im his girlfriend after all, is it so wrong wanting to celebrate his birthday with him? I just feel like im being thrown aside, so unimportant, like a speck of dust. Im not saying they are wrong, they are definitely not wrong, and i can understand where they are coming from, just it just kills me inside knowing that i mean so little in his life and that i wont be celebrating his birthday with him. Sometimes i really wonder what am i even worthy to even be in his life. But, what can i do? Just suck it in, suck everything in like a whiny bitch and close one eye, move on. Its time to face the truth, and