it's 31st December 2013.

Funny how times flies within a blink of an eye, and it felt like it was 31st dec 2012 just few weeks ago. It honestly has been a emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I cannot say this year is the worst year of my life, but it definitely isnt the best. 2013 is the year where big changes happened in my life and most of them i never did see them coming. Its also the year where it challenges my mindset that i had been having for the past 17 years of my life and im becoming more accepting and not rigid in my thinking as well as my beliefs. These are the few things i've learnt in 2013; and thats just a few of the many, but its all these that made me grow as a person.

1) The "fine line" in society
Firstly, i always have this mindset being set and have a certain perception against some actions. Its probably how strict i was being raised and how my parents enforced them about it. I used to look at the world in black and white; its either a certain thing is right or wrong. In reality, it just doesnt work that way. I used to think that whoever smokes will be bad company and i will be very judgemental about it. I didn't realize smoking is a common thing till i realize some close friends are actually smokers, and they arent bad person; they are just ordinary people who smoke. Some of them make really good friends and it doesnt change their personality or character in any way. They arent doing anything illegal or whatsoever, so in what way does it make them a bad person? Of course i cant deny the fact that they are putting their health at risk, but thats not the point. They still make good friends, be it they smoke or not. So what makes them so different from non-smoking friends? Nothing.

2) Promises
Promises are used to loosely nowadays and even when people do, it doesnt really give us the assurance that they are going to keep it. No matter how close the bond you share with, how much you think the person is never going to break his/her promises, everyone is subjected to one thing: Change. As we grow older our priorities change, and our preferences and liking will differ even just by a year. We can't stop all these change from happening, thats just like trying to stop a hurricane from coming trying to go against mother nature. Changes we face during our lives will definitely have an impact in our lives, and we definitely would change in the way we carry ourselves or think even though we can't tell the difference. All these little changes we face in life would make or break a relationship, be it friendship or soul mate. Sometimes a person's attitude changes so drastically that it may leave us questioning why are we even friends with them in the first place. People are changing constantly, and how sure are you that you're gonna be there for the person, even at their very worst? You may think it's easy now, but when the person becomes someone you completely don't even know anymore, and it seems like you're drifting further and colder as day goes by to a point where the relationship cant be savaged; what now? Are you really going to swallow all the pain and hurt the person is causing you, or walk away? Most of you would have just walked away because it seems like the easier path to go and honestly, the rationale choice to make. But you're leaving them. What about the promise about being together forever and never to part? Here's the thing: Don't make promises that you can't live up to, especially if you can't love them unconditionally. I dare say i can't even do unconditional love to begin with; so i never ever want to make promises unless i can really keep them because i realize the importance of it and not being stuck in a situation whereby you're left with, " But you promised..." cause both parties are gonna get hurt either way when one decides to walk away.

3) Love
Since young i've always been inspired or maybe taught by Disney flims that the princess would always find her prince in the end and they/ll live happily ever after. I've been yearning for this kind of love and this kind of fairytale story whereby the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and would always make her happy no matter what and even if thee are obstacles, they would clear it in the end anyway and still live a happily ever after ending. This mindset of mine is not going to get me anywhere and i've realize how unrealistic they are. People are not flawless, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. There are definitely little quirks or disagreement in thinking would cause a couple to fight, or probably a persistent problem that is never going to be solved. To make a relationship work, both parties must be willing to compromise in every situation which im seriously, seriously having problems with. Anyway... the heartbreak that i've gotten this year is by far the worst, most painful and just nightmare in every possible way. I've hit rock bottom with this heartbreak and i can't help but to question myself time and again why it didnt work out. It started off as a fairytale, and it ended with a crash and burn. It really isnt any party fault to begin with, but the fault on my part was that ive always have unreasonably high expectations of my love life being like a fairytale but it's seriously all just bullshit to me now. Love is being with someone that makes you truly happy and accepts your flaws the way they are; even at your very worst.  If they can't accept you for the way you are at your worst, then it's time for you to let it go and move on. One thing being in jc is that your life is so hectic that you cant afford to let sad thoughts sink in for long for you to brawl over it and push it away and compress them so that you're able to complete your work. It wasn't easy with many months of dreams, tears and sleepless nights but i've learnt to accept the fact that whats meant to be, will be. I dont need to be chasing after someone who doesnt even think about me anymore and crying myself to sleep blaming all the things that i could have done differently because honestly it isnt any parties fault.

4) Ego
This ego of mine has been causing me lots of problem since the day im born. Im super competitive in nature and i just want to be the best that i can be. I didnt think that im a freaking jc material because i crack very easily under pressure, but i wanted to go cause i wanted to improve my chances of getting into a university. After being in one, i chose to do science stream knowing very well my calibre isn't suited for it. I took it without even giving it second thoughts about it just because everyone said that being in science stream opens you to more courses and of course i thought i could handle it. NOPE, big mistake. I dont even know how am i going to survive j2 next year or get myself a place in uni, still crossing fingers though.

5) Part and parcel of life
Due to the fast pace of our lives, its really easy to drift apart from someone you're really close to just a month ago because its just too difficult to keep in touch. Friends really just come and go without you even realizing. People do leave; too. I get emotionally attached to those who are dear to me and when they leave i feel like a searing sense of loss in my life. Jalene is going overseas to study next year and i have no idea how am i going to live through j2 without her. Im so used to finding her in between breaks whenever i can, make stupid eye contact in chemistry lecture, finding her in council room after school and making really silly jokes every single day. It feels like im just going to walk in an empty council room with no one to look forward to every morning and talk bullshit to. Its just really too much for me to handle, especially with friends who are dear to me retaining who won't be able to be with me next year anymore. It's like this huge whole in my heart that no one can replace and nothing's gonna be same again. Ive been feeling so lonely in council that sometimes its so painful that i have to drag myself to council meetings. It just sucks. But what can i do? People do leave, and its for the better because i obviously want jalene to be happy overseas studying and for the rest to concentrate on their studies rather than sc. Oh well, life just sucks yeah?
This is also the first time i've experienced a loss of a love one. He was a senior of mine back in temasek and he was always a leader for everyone to look up to during our annual cm camps. I still remembered how he tried to calm me down and give me useful advice for my exco interview coming up in a few minutes back in 2010. Now he's gone just like this. His passing feels so surreal, so sudden that no one saw it coming. Life is so fragile that its so precious to me now. It made me realize how i should cherish what i have now before its gone and those people i love. Rest in peace, qx, you will always be remembered in our hearts forever and always.

6) Flawed 
I've always thought that teachers are like superman and woman who are perfect and flawless, but im being proved so wrong when i step into tpjc. Some of the teachers are really horrible and their attitude is really bad. Im talking about those teachers who just wants to see results and neglect the welfare of the students as well as those who makes student lives unnecessarily miserable. You know what kind of teachers im talking about. I dont understand how is a piece of paper prove our self worthy in teacher's eyes. Are we really being sent to school and be photocopy machines and churn out work after work like a mindless zombie without learning anything? Isnt a teacher suppose to teach and let the student understand the concepts rather than memorize essay after essay and not learning anything, or copying a 3 page long sample essay just so we can "internalize" them? Excuse me, not everybody learn through writing it out again and again and spent hours copying essays where it could have been used to rest or do other subjects. I really just dont see whats the point of doing that and what if the student has a different kind of learning style in memorizing or learning? You're just enforcing one way method to each and everyone of the students thinking it fits all. NO, it doesnt work that way.
As for service to the school, there is a very, very fine line being respected and being treated like slaves. I really dont understand why some teachers like to instill a sense within us just for us to obey and swallow whatever they throw at us without questioning them. It really sucks not being able to voice out your opinion because you either not get heard or get scolding real badly. Why can't they just treat everyone with mutual respect so that fear wont stop us from going after help from the teachers that could have made us more productive and less stressful like hello like isnt our workload stressful enough for us? The least they could do is to treat us with respect after all we are still doing a service and the workplace would have been a better environment to work in and people would be more willing to contribute suggestions and ideas that would have made a certain proposal so much better. I just dont understand.

Thats about all in 2013. Definitely much more memories and people to be remembered, but it'll be too long to type it out. Anyway, its been a fruitful 2013 nonetheless, and i hope that 2014 would be a better year for everyone of us and of course ending it with a fantastic A level results :)

ciao!