Victoria

, by victoria

Nineteen and lost

workworkwork

I'm sorry I had let this space gone on a hiatus for awhile. Partly because I've been so busy with work lately.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't lose passion blogging. I'm just feeling very lost in life.

Over the course of this very privileged long holiday, I had the time to think about what I really want to do in my life for the first time. Thinking back, I've never really thought about what I want to do in life. I always had the same mentality that I just have to push and go through the norm of finishing my education - meaning primary school, secondary school, JC/Poly and University.

I got so caught up in chasing certificates that only entitles me entrance to the next stage of my education that I forgot what i was doing it for. I guess everyone in Singapore would feel the same way as I do, because all we ever hear from our parents is how we can't succeed in life in any way without a degree.

We are made to go through all that without having any time to explore our interests or give any thoughts about what we want to do in our future. Yes, schools will be throwing us pamphlets after pamphlets of the wide variety of choices we have, endless talks about what Uni could offer you that you understand nothing about other than the course name itself.

I feel that i'm just like any other Singaporean kid out there just trying to get our certificate. I've never really made any major decisions in my life before to defer from the route set out for us. Even if i did, I never succeeded in carrying it out anyway, being afraid that I was going to get judged and deemed as a loser.

After O levels, I went for Poly open houses and i was set in getting into NP's mass communication because it offered what I think I would love to do back then. Be it a journalist, photographer, editor for a magazine, radio DJ. In the end, I stuck to JC because in my mind it was the safest way for me to get to my final destination, which is entering a local university. I sacrificed what I liked and suffered for another 2 years of my life.

It's like a school system all over again, timetable, teachers, one major examination to determine my fate. Everything is so familiar and I know how things run, especially going through PSLE and O levels. The fact that I knew how things are going to be makes me feel at ease, I stayed in my comfort zone.

Unlike poly, there are so many things one has to do, projects, assignments, learning things other than english, sciences and humanities.

At the end of JC1, I applied to TP communication studies because I wanted to do something that I like. I felt that i was drowning in JC, simply because I couldn't cope with the workload and almost getting retained.

In the end, when I knew i got promoted, I just told myself that it was just another 1 year and I'm done with it.

I held on.

I've completed my A levels. I didn't do very well but managed to get into local Uni, but i couldn't choose the course I wanted - NTU's Communication Studies.

Here, i'm just stuck with this course that I don't look forward to.

Every single day I dread to the day whereby I'm going to start uni because I know I'm going to suck at engineering.

I think it's fair enough to say that I won't be good at it not because I'm a negative person, but honestly I've struggled enough since primary school with any math subject I took up.

I hated it, no it's not even a strong word to describe it, I detest it.

Now, for once in my life I know what I want to do, I want to write. I want to write about things. What in particular? I do not know specifically yet.

I just have this burning passion to write, and not just any typical writing, I want to write so that people understand what I'm writing and relate to it.

I just feel so lost right now in my life, because I can't do whatever I want to do and will end up suffering and giving away four more years of my youth in studying something I know im going to hate and suck at it.

If only I could turn back time, I would have followed my heart instead to chase my dreams.

I could have been offered the skills I needed to bring me closer to being a journalist.

I would have a clearer and better idea of what I should do to become a successful one too.

Right now, what do I have with me? Just a ticket to university and no skills at hand. I really don't want to become an engineer for the rest of my life, neither do I want to have a desk job from 9-6.

Im stuck at this crossroad right now whereby I have to make a U-turn in order to have a shot at doing what I love which is to go back to poly, or just go all the way completing the norm of a student life in singapore and let my dream slowly fade away as I grow older.

People say your dreams become smaller as you grow older.

I'm a dreamer, and even I feel that I'm slowly giving up on mine too because there is no way in making my dreams to become a reality. I applied to several companies but none of them wanted me, but who could blame them for I'm just have an A level degree.

This post is just for me to vent my fustration because I've becoming so numb towards my life. I used to be so excited about everything. Going MacRitchie to hike even though I even hate to walk, exploring cafes on my own, begging my parents to let me just to go overseas because I want to see the world. Joined competition and outings so that I could meet new people.

Now i'm just living every passing day working or catching up with friends. I don't find any reason for me to go out there to explore and update this space anymore. I feel lost in life.

To all the kids out there, I just want you to know that if there is a calling for you to go and chase your dreams because your heart can't be wrong.

Whatever spark the interest in you, whatever makes you excited is something worth chasing and taking that leap of faith to do it.

Even if it means taking a gap year to pursue your travelling for a whole year, taking up a CCA that you love even though you know you won't be able to cope with your studies. Studies isn't everything. For all you know, I'm that kind of girl who would prioritize studies above everything else and I missed out on so many things. I missed out on JC1 camp because I was too busy trying to get integration, missed out in Leadership camp where I could have bond with my fellow councillors more because I was afraid I couldn't cope and many little things that i wish i did like going UK lit trip back in sec 3.

I regretted every single opportunity that I gave up for my studies.

Life is too short to be chasing worthless paper. Chase your dreams before it's too late. Live your life and do what you love instead of choosing the comfortable path leading to a comfortable job but not what you love. For all you know, you are going to be stuck in the job your degree leads you probably for the rest of your life.

As for me well, I do not know what are my plans going to be. Whoever is reading this, thankyou for still keeping up with my life in this space. It means a lot to me to know that people do love what I write about.

Till then.

Always follow your heart, take that leap of faith to do what you love.

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, by victoria

experiences

Surviving a part time job

Anne my favourite girl

Llaollao girls

Sorry I haven't been updating this space for quite awhile because I'm too caught up with work. Yes work, what a girl would do after her A levels to kill time just because she has too much time to on her hands.

Thankyou to everyone who is still reading my blog till now.

It's been a great dedication and commitment to this space and my motivation to continue penning down my thoughts is everyone out there reading this right now.

I have got quite a few part time jobs now because I want to experience new things and meet new people at the same time.

Since January, I've been working till now and I must say it has been an eye opening experience because I have never really gotten a real job that actually allows me to bond with people and experience how its like working in a company. These are the few things I've picked up over the past 4 months.

#1 Do not trust anyone

Believe me when I say this. This is the number one rule you have to always remember.

Girls love to gossip, I'm guilty of it as well. it's just in our blood because we always want to get juicy details about everything. The girl you thought is your friend could jolly well be talking behind your back right now, at this instant. The girl who calls you babe all the time and ask details about your lives probably just wants to win over your trust enough to tell her everything about your life like rants; not to know you better but to use them against you.

The best part is when all these are happening you probably don't even have a single clue about it.

Gossips are ones that spread like wild fire, even to those that you probably have never met you. Before you know it, you will be struck by the fact that the girl you just poured your heart out to just stabbed you in the back. Who are you going to blame but yourself for being so trusting and thinking that everyone is genuine and sincere?

Remember that whatever you text to someone, would always be an indirect conversation to someone else via screenshots.

Just because someone appears to be nice doesn't mean they care, they really don't. Save yourself the trouble of the feeling of betrayal, save yourself from all the unnecessary rumours.

Keep conversations to an acquaintance level, do not go any deeper into that.

Listen, but don't speak.

Don't be that girl who thinks that everyone has some good in their heart because honestly, some just do not. It's really your choice if you want to be the naive girl who trusts and treats everyone like as if their friends and get nothing but bad reputation with the higher authorities, or just blend in and be like everyone else just doing their shit and going home and all is well.

#2 Always stand up for yourself

If a rumour about you isn't true, or you are being accused of something you didn't do, speak up for yourself. Do not suffer in silence. Everyone knows that by keeping silent is the easy way out and letting things just go by as it is.

Speak up and fight for the things that you know you didn't do wrong. At the end of the day, you will only blame yourself for not standing up and acknowledged all the blame. You will wallow in self pity and killing yourself over guilt induced by something you didnt even do. There is just only so much someone could take in before the pressure gauge in the head explodes.

The next thing you know, you are leaving your job not because you don't love it, but because you couldn't take the people there. You go to a new work environment only to realize it's all the same kind of people, the ones that will play the blame game when things go wrong, spreading rumours that are being magnified, exaggerated even. You will never be happy if you just keep quiet and let things the way it is.

They have a voice, we do too.

#3 Your coworker can never be your friend

The best people that you can get along with are the ones at work.

However, there needs to be a clear divide between work and personal relationships but these two seemed to be blurred because two people are friends.

You spend a lot of time with them working, you formed a bond. They become your friends, good friends even. This is to the point that you cannot say anything bad behind your friend's back even if he/she screw things up for you at work because well, you all are friends.

You are obliged to do any favour for your friend such as taking their shifts when they couldn't work, swapping shifts with them just so to their convenience and not yours, asking from you everything as if it's granted.

If you don't, you are just a sucky friend and who would want to lose a friendship because of work? Silently, we suffer and constantly catching ourselves saying it's for the sake of the friendship.

Firstly, friends don't do shit to each other.

Friends do not ask you to take their shifts when they know you have been working a lot to the point of collapsing.

Friends do not guilt-trip you to work in replacement of them just because they have something they have to attend to(which is obviously not an emergency).

Friends do not expect a free meal from you just because you earn more than them because obviously it's your hard-earned money. Friends will tell you straight in the face what you should be improving on and help not bitch about you to others.

Friends do not do shit to each other, they are suppose to help one another.

#4 Always be open to feedbacks

Be open minded about things.

Don't take everything personal because it's all about work.

If you know that a colleague likes the place to be neat and tidy then do so adapt to their working styles. If you know you have issues to work on allow yourself to have time for improvement.

I'm blur as hell and whatever stupid things you can think that a person would make at work i've probably already done it.

It's okay to start off bad, the only difference is that you are willing to learn and make change for the better.

This it to make the working place a happier place because everyone knows the different working standards everyone has.

#5 The most blunt people are the most sincere ones

Often than not, we will always meet that one person who will always point out your every mistakes and making you feel awful inside. We often feel so tensed and stressed up in their presence and they are the reason why you hate work so much.

However, they are the ones who are willing to take on the bad guy role upfront and teach us the correct way of how things should be done even though they know it might end up making you hate them.

They are the ones who will make you grow and learn the most because you are so afraid of making mistakes that you tend to be more careful.

You would want to seek their approval from them. When you finally have their thumbs up, you will look back and think that all those harsh comments, feedback are worth it because it made you grow.

They are also the ones who are the most honest, sincere ones because they tell you everything they do not like about you infront of you other than putting up a facade just like everyone else.

These are the unsung heroes in every workplace; misunderstood just like batman but without them everything will be so different.

#6 "Don't unto to others what you don't want others to unto to you"

As the famous saying by Confucius goes, be kind to everyone even if it's just a simple gesture of buying lunch, helping them out when they have a lot on their plates even if it's just a one way thing.

Do not turn people down when you are capable of helping them out when in need, even simple gestures like staying an hour later just to help them finish up their work can brighten someone's day.

You will never know your little gestures would make a lasting memory in someone's mind.

Do not be mean to others by messing up your part just because you want to end work and go home earlier because everyone wishes to do that too. Be kind, be nice, and be sincere.

Last but not least with all that being said, there are of course exceptions to everything.

Not everyone is selfish. People you meet at work could be really be friends who will stick by you no matter what.

Just a word of advice to end it all off:

Be kind, but watch your back as well.

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, by victoria

events

The Script Singapore 2015 #NSWStour

Never would I have thought that I found myself a favourite band.

For the past 17 years of my life, I've never fell in love with any singer, let alone any band. I'm just a girl, like anyone else, would have all the latest hits on her songs that is constantly repeated in radio stations. There wasn't just any particular singer/band that I could relate to, or feel any connections with. There were at most, one or two songs that I would drown my sorrows and wallow in self pity when I'm feeling down written by different singers but that was it.

2013 was a depressing period for me, experiencing life's peaks and rock bottom all in one year.

I had the worst heartbreak during that year, to the point I couldn't really talk about it to anyone because it hurts too much.

It got so bad I stopped using any social media platforms including watsapp for a few days, I couldn't bring myself to look at my phone only to be reminded that there wasn't anyone's message to look forward to waiting for me. Just like how I always do, I would find songs that would allow me to cry to and let it all out at night.

I was scrolling through my playlist and my conscious told me to hit play on For the first time. It got me playing the script related songs like Nothing, Before the Worst, If you ever come back, Man who can't be moved, Dead man walking. Before I knew, I started searching up for all The Script songs and downloaded every single song for every single album.

There just wasn't one song that I didn't like. Every song has powerful meaning written into it. They don't just state the emotions, but they do so with a story without making it lengthy, draggy and boring like broadway music. It's simple, yet powerful.

Just like man who can't be moved, which revolves around a guy who goes to desperate measures just to get the attention of the love of his life by camping at a corner of a street where they first met.

"Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'Cause you'll know it's just for you"

Just like how, For the first time tells a story of a couple who barely has time for each other because his job takes up most of the time to make ends meet for them, thus breaking up.

"Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best"

They got back years later by meeting up, only to realize they still love each other, the feeling that they both get is that warm fuzzy feeling inside. It's just like they just pick up the conversations where they left off even years of being apart. The love is just as strong, just like the first time.

"Smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time"

Six degrees of separation speaks for itself. There are six stages a person faces during a breakup and they wrote every single one of them into a song.

"First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little"

Whenever I felt like giving up because life's tough, Live like we're dying makes me want to cherish every second of my life because every passing second is time that I would never get back.

This is just like how Hall of Fame makes me grab onto every chance that leads to wherever I want to end up at, hold onto my dreams that are deem as impossible to me because I can be anything I want. This is provided so long as I don't give up, I will get to where I want to be eventually.

Superheroes taught me that nobody is born to be great, we have to go through multiple obstacles in life, many criticisms and setbacks. Is through these tough harsh conditions that we grow to become stronger and eventually be invincible, just like a superhero.

"All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry
When the moment is just right
You see fire in their eyes

'Cause he's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow"

Even though they are successful, they are patriotic. Thus, the reason behind Paint the town green.

"I know you’re missing home
It’s been so long since you’ve been
And that life you had in Dublin
Now ain’t nothing but a dream
To be right there in the moment
You’d give anything to be

These are just some of the many amazing songs they have."

I never understood why people liked bands and spending so much money on concerts where you could just buy their album for their songs. Fast forward to 21st April 2015, I just came back from the most memorable, epic, whatever words you may describe the best concert you could ever have.

The Script hyped up the whole Singapore Indoor Stadium with his charisma today.

Today, I've learnt that Man on A wire was actually inspired by a documentary about a guy Philipe Petit that walked on a wire in the 1970s that made Danny pondered about the reason behind doing so. He linked how difficult it is to get over a breakup like how difficult it is to walk along a wire. The temptations of looking down for security is just like the temptations of running back to the past because it's familiar and comfortable.

"No, I can't look down

I'm trying to fight the feeling
I will fall to the ground
If I ever see you
'Cause I feel like I'm walkin' on a tightrope"

It's extremely difficult to walk from one end to the other, that's why he needs to count on 'high hopes' to get over to the other side. He has to keep on moving his legs, just like how he needs to force himself to move on from a relationship because if he stops, he will get knocked over by the wind(sadness).

My heart is in my throat
I'm counting on high hopes to get me over you
And I've got my eyes closed
As long as the wind blows
I'm counting on high hopes to get me over you, you
Cause I'm a man on a wire, on a wire
I'm a man on a wire, on a wire

To be honest I never really understood this song until today, and I'm completely blown away.

I've never seen any concert that has been so interactive with the audience.

From calling someone's ex on the phone and making the whole stadium sing Nothing.

To splitting the crowd into half and singing We Cry.

to randomly appearing in seats on top and running around the whole Pen A with his Go pro to take videos with his fans.

Everything was just amazing. I've been playing their songs in my phone for so long but never have gotten to see them in person. They are more amazing that I thought they would be.

Whole stadium full of flash lights

Today, I can dare say is the best day of 2015.

My best friend who accompanied me to the concert

Thankyou The Script for making songs that got me through tough periods of my life.

Thankyou for staying together as a band for 8 years now and continue making music for fans just like us. Thankyou for being the first singer/band that I've ever love.

Thankyou for being my only and favourite band. Though I admit I'm not as an old fan as those who have been there since the start, that doesn't mean I love The Script any less. It's been 2 good years that I fell in love with The Script and would continue to be in my heart.

#thescriptfamily

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, by victoria

advertorial

Post #CNOS4 Part 1: Reflection

Red carpet with Alexis, Cai Feng and Rachel

Lexiiii hehe

Hi guys!

I don't have the time to edit the photos and some of the photos are still with the others so I'm just going to write this post with minimal photos because I like to write when the emotions that I'm feeling now is still fresh and raw.

I didn't win #cnos4, but I guess the reason why I didn't was because I still have a lot of self exploration to do. Everything happens for a reason, and I feel that through this competition I have learnt a lot and unveil a lot of things about myself.

Through this competition, I only know and realize that I wasn't ready to enter social media industry, not yet.

My blog doesn't have a direction

I absolutely, do not want to be a food blogger. Just no. Sorry foodies. Neither do I want to be an #ootd blog because I guess it kind of defeats the purpose of blogging, and that is to pen down your most honest opinion when possible, a space for you to organize your thoughts and to be honest it's really quite therapeutic.

I'm not saying that other contestants who aspire to be a foodie or an instagram model are wrong, I guess it's just not my thing and not what I want to set out to do. I don't know what direction I would want to take yet.

I thought I was the only blogger, till I met people with similiar interest, but conflicting way of thought.

In the social media industry, your followers, likes, viewership matters a lot. It really does. It is the major deciding factor if a sponsor wants to pick you based on the statistics of your social media sites. I guess I'm just not a major fan of people putting them so upfront about it, like literally saying things like, 'Omg I only got 20 likes' , 'Why I don't have enough followers?'. It's really scary how it matters so much to people that when said out loud. I guess it's a little overwhelming for me to handle.

Emotional, strength or flaw?

I don't know if being very emotional and having to feel an emotion ten times to magnitude as compared to a normal person, to the point that you can feel it in every inch of your nerves that makes you feel numb is a blessing or a curse. I always knew I had it in me, but through this competition it only made me realize something about this trait.

I guess being more emotional makes me more empathetic towards others, It makes me want to know each and every single individual on a deeper level instead of the surface.

It makes me admire the strengths of a person as well as embracing their flaws at the same time.

It also allows me to see things in different perspective and not just on it is what it is. I would see an old lady on the street selling tissue and would want to know her story instead of just assuming she needs money.

I want to know the reason why.

If a task has to be done and it's usually out of my comfort zone, I would think of the most extreme ways to stand out, even in ways that I don't usually would. Red carpet is just an example.

I don't usually like to doll myself up with accessories, fancy shoes and makeup. In fact to be honest I really hate it because I don't see what's the point and I would love to keep things simple. I went all out and got the most eye catching accessories, got a dress that suits my curvy body and even a fancy hat to top it off the whole look. Even my friends couldn't recognize me when they saw me.

I guess being emotional makes me more observant of what is expected and what is needed to stand out, the little details that someone would not have thought of. Everything that I do I would always link back to my emotions, just like challenge 1 #ootd where I was asked to dress up to the hashtag of #manjalikeababy, I did it and got into character easily because that was just me.

Whereas for challenge 2 I find it a little difficult to have a connection and drive because I don't have a pet. Never in my life have I ever had one. Even though I gave my best, I felt that I could have given and done much more if only I had the connection with what I was doing. I could even tell that the previous blog post on challenge 2 really fell flat and it has the lowest viewership ever since I started taking blogging seriously since November 23rd when A levels ended.

It definitely wasn't the lack of pretty pictures, it definitely wasn't because it was irrelevant, but because it really lacked emotions.

Don't get me wrong not that I dont care about pets being abused, I just didn't get the experience to see it. Those pets getting tortured. People say they could be your best companion, but I don't even have one to form that kind of connection with. I need a reason to do things that I have to do.

I don't write as if i'm an english teacher with super good command of english, but I guess what differentiates me from others is that I blog with feelings.

Strong, powerful emotions that could give insights that you would never thought of.

It's a curse of having such strengths.

Because I'm so emotional and having such a lack of confidence in myself that I want to establish my own comfort zone and stick to it. I rely way too much on others for support of my own emotions that it could be a burden on their shoulders, especially if I'm close to you. That led to a very big fight between me and a very good friend of mine who was a contestant as well in the midst of challenge 3, a fight so big that I guess it's impossible to be friends again.

I guess it's all my fault for not being responsible for my own emotions and unloading everything on others.
It was a very painful lesson for me to learn to cost me to lose a very friend that I hold so dearly close to my heart.
The person was there for me since challenge 1, even during challenge 2 when we were in different groups, my good friend never failed to be there though he doesn't like negative thoughts, and I guess I should have taken that hint when he stopped me from going into talking about dark past, talking about sad things that happened before.

It's ironic how I'm observant, yet so oblivious at certain things at the same time.

But hey, if you are reading this which I doubt you would because you refuse to read any of my post as you claim them to be too emotional for you to handle. I just want you to know that, the friendship we had built over the past one month really meant something to me, and i'll be here if you ever decide to talk to me again.

There are a lot of skills I have to learn.

I'm a girl who doesn't like to put on makeup and I guess I really love my face. Yeah, for once I actually like something about me that I don't want to do anything to change it. I'm strongly against makeup because I really love to embrace my plain face.

However, I just feel that being a blogger, no matter what kind you are, makeup is just an essential. I nearly spent $80 on makeup at Sephora today but today the person who is supposed to do the makeup wasn't there so it couldn't be done(blessing in disguise?). I'm just not being practical because I got to do makeup when I grow up when I go for job interviews, meeting big clients. I have to got to put makeup to look "presentable".

It wasn't an easy reason for me to accept, but after breaking down at work because I have to put makeup and reflecting upon it made me realize it was a selfish move and makeup is just a form of respect, showing your clients you take into effort in grooming yourself, just like how you don't wear slippers out with your date. I had to get the help of Xue Er, Rachel, Shermaine help to put my makeup and I felt like such a burden.

I have to learn how to edit videos.

During challenge 3 I just went crazy because I absolutely had no idea how to freaking edit videos. None. Before that, something caught up and I couldnt do the video and it was already 11pm at night so I had to flim myself.

The freaking video couldn't play because it was in .mov file and i had to convert it one by one. I had 4 computers at home, I only had my own laptop to rely upon and I thought it was the problem of my laptop that I couldnt play the video because whatever that came up was static. One without speakers, one without windows movie maker, one couldnt even on.

I panicked and submitted my video so late into the night, and I swore to myself that day when I laid on my bed that I would go sign up for some video making course.

I need to learn how to handle pressure.

I swear because I was so stressed before challenge 2 that I didn't sleep, and I couldn't even eat properly without having indigestion that day.

In conclusion:

I guess this competition really has taught me a lot, a lot more that I hoped that I could take away. The self realization that I took away from this competition, and to take my blog in the right direction in the way that I want to be ultimately;

A role model for other girls that grow up not knowing how to love themselves and truly accept themselves and their flaws. A girl who doesn't have the petite figure yet don't have to give in to the society's pressure that would ultimately turn to an excuse to not love oneself.

I guess that's all for now, I will be blogging more into the details about the competition and more pictures will be uploaded on the next post.

A quick shoutout to those who have supported me throughout everything, a platform where I used to use it to vent so much to make myself feel better to a platform where I could truly do something greater with it. I won't go into much details about why I started blogging, because that will be on another post.

#CNOS4, thankyou for giving me the opportunity to grow as a person. I would never have taken up this opportunity to push my boundaries and challenge myself in unfamiliar situations such as taking ootd and videos. It is definitely a life changing experience in one way or another.

Till then!