I don't have the time to edit the photos and some of the photos are still with the others so I'm just going to write this post with minimal photos because I like to write when the emotions that I'm feeling now is still fresh and raw.

I didn't win #cnos4, but I guess the reason why I didn't was because I still have a lot of self exploration to do. Everything happens for a reason, and I feel that through this competition I have learnt a lot and unveil a lot of things about myself. 

Through this competition, I only know and realize that I wasn't ready to enter social media industry, not yet.

My blog doesn't have a direction

I absolutely, do not want to be a food blogger. Just no. Sorry foodies. Neither do I want to be an #ootd blog because I guess it kind of defeats the purpose of blogging, and that is to pen down your most honest opinion when possible, a space for you to organize your thoughts and to be honest it's really quite therapeutic. 

I'm not saying that other contestants who aspire to be a foodie or an instagram model are wrong, I guess it's just not my thing and not what I want to set out to do. I don't know what direction I would want to take yet.

I thought I was the only blogger, till I met people with similiar interest, but conflicting way of thought.

In the social media industry, your followers, likes, viewership matters a lot. It really does. It is the major deciding factor if a sponsor wants to pick you based on the statistics of your social media sites. I guess I'm just not a major fan of people putting them so upfront about it, like literally saying things like, 'Omg I only got 20 likes' , 'Why I don't have enough followers?'. It's really scary how it matters so much to people that when said out loud. I guess it's a little overwhelming for me to handle.

Emotional, strength or flaw?

I don't know if being very emotional and having to feel an emotion ten times to magnitude as compared to a normal person, to the point that you can feel it in every inch of your nerves that makes you feel numb is a blessing or a curse. I always knew I had it in me, but through this competition it only made me realize something about this trait. 

I guess being more emotional makes me more empathetic towards others, It makes me want to know each and every single individual on a deeper level instead of the surface.

It makes me admire the strengths of a person as well as embracing their flaws at the same time.

It also allows me to see things in different perspective and not just on it is what it is. I would see an old lady on the street selling tissue and would want to know her story instead of just assuming she needs money.

I want to know the reason why.

 If a task has to be done and it's usually out of my comfort zone, I would think of the most extreme ways to stand out, even in ways that I don't usually would. Red carpet is just an example.

 I don't usually like to doll myself up with accessories, fancy shoes and makeup. In fact to be honest I really hate it because I don't see what's the point and I would love to keep things simple. I went all out and got the most eye catching accessories, got a dress that suits my curvy body and even a fancy hat to top it off the whole look. Even my friends couldn't recognize me when they saw me.

 I guess being emotional makes me more observant of what is expected and what is needed to stand out, the little details that someone would not have thought of. Everything that I do I would always link back to my emotions, just like challenge 1 #ootd where I was asked to dress up to the hashtag of #manjalikeababy, I did it and got into character easily because that was just me.

 Whereas for challenge 2 I find it a little difficult to have a connection and drive because I don't have a pet. Never in my life have I ever had one. Even though I gave my best, I felt that I could have given and done much more if only I had the connection with what I was doing. I could even tell that the previous blog post on challenge 2 really fell flat and it has the lowest viewership ever since I started taking blogging seriously since November 23rd when A levels ended.

It definitely wasn't the lack of pretty pictures, it definitely wasn't because it was irrelevant, but because it really lacked emotions. 

Don't get me wrong not that I dont care about pets being abused, I just didn't get the experience to see it. Those pets getting tortured. People say they could be your best companion, but I don't even have one to form that kind of connection with. I need a reason to do things that I have to do.

I don't write as if i'm an english teacher with super good command of english, but I guess what differentiates me from others is that I blog with feelings.

Strong, powerful emotions that could give insights that you would never thought of. 

It's a curse of having such strengths. 

Because I'm so emotional and having such a lack of confidence in myself that I want to establish my own comfort zone and stick to it. I rely way too much on others for support of my own emotions that it could be a burden on their shoulders, especially if I'm close to you. That led to a very big fight between me and a very good friend of mine who was a contestant as well in the midst of challenge 3, a fight so big that I guess it's impossible to be friends again.

 I guess it's all my fault for not being responsible for my own emotions and unloading everything on others. 
It was a very painful lesson for me to learn to cost me to lose a very friend that I hold so dearly close to my heart.
The person was there for me since challenge 1, even during challenge 2 when we were in different groups, my good friend never failed to be there though he doesn't like negative thoughts, and I guess I should have taken that hint when he stopped me from going into talking about dark past, talking about sad things that happened before.

It's ironic how I'm observant, yet so oblivious at certain things at the same time. 

But hey, if you are reading this which I doubt you would because you refuse to read any of my post as you claim them to be too emotional for you to handle. I just want you to know that, the friendship we had built over the past one month really meant something to me, and i'll be here if you ever decide to talk to me again.

There are a lot of skills I have to learn.

I'm a girl who doesn't like to put on makeup and I guess I really love my face. Yeah, for once I actually like something about me that I don't want to do anything to change it. I'm strongly against makeup because I really love to embrace my plain face.

However, I just feel that being a blogger, no matter what kind you are, makeup is just an essential. I nearly spent $80 on makeup at Sephora today but today the person who is supposed to do the makeup wasn't there so it couldn't be done(blessing in disguise?). I'm just not being practical because I got to do makeup when I grow up when I go for job interviews, meeting big clients. I have to got to put makeup to look "presentable".

It wasn't an easy reason for me to accept, but after breaking down at work because I have to put makeup and reflecting upon it made me realize it was a selfish move and makeup is just a form of respect, showing your clients you take into effort in grooming yourself, just like how you don't wear slippers out with your date. I had to get the help of Xue Er, Rachel, Shermaine help to put my makeup and I felt like such a burden. 

I have to learn how to edit videos.

During challenge 3 I just went crazy because I absolutely had no idea how to freaking edit videos. None. Before that, something caught up and I couldnt do the video and it was already 11pm at night so I had to flim myself.

 The freaking video couldn't play because it was in .mov file and i had to convert it one by one. I had 4 computers at home, I only had my own laptop to rely upon and I thought it was the problem of my laptop that I couldnt play the video because whatever that came up was static. One without speakers, one without windows movie maker, one couldnt even on.

I panicked and submitted my video so late into the night, and I swore to myself that day when I laid on my bed that I would go sign up for some video making course. 

I need to learn how to handle pressure.

I swear because I was so stressed before challenge 2 that I didn't sleep, and I couldn't even eat properly without having indigestion that day. 

In conclusion:

I guess this competition really has taught me a lot, a lot more that I hoped that I could take away. The self realization that I took away from this competition, and to take my blog in the right direction in the way that I want to be ultimately;

A role model for other girls that grow up not knowing how to love themselves and truly accept themselves and their flaws. A girl who doesn't have the petite figure yet don't have to give in to the society's pressure that would ultimately turn to an excuse to not love oneself. 

I guess that's all for now, I will be blogging more into the details about the competition and more pictures will be uploaded on the next post.

A quick shoutout to those who have supported me throughout everything, a platform where I used to use it to vent so much to make myself feel better to a platform where I could truly do something greater with it. I won't go into much details about why I started blogging, because that will be on another post.

#CNOS4, thankyou for giving me the opportunity to grow as a person. I would never have taken up this opportunity to push my boundaries and challenge myself in unfamiliar situations such as taking ootd and videos. It is definitely a life changing experience in one way or another.

Till then!