Victoria

Went to study with Bennett Tan @ J.Co on Thursday. As usual, we ended up talking crap. Ate at foodcourt and went to uniqlo/cotton on/dorothy perkins to window shop. Finally went to KFC to continue studying. Managed to finish my physics holiday homework. *miracle* and him finishing his summary. Guess what,  awesome decided to treat me Lenas :D Wahahaha the mash potato was really, really good. I didnt really like the fried banana though hehehe cause its so oily.



 Fried Banananananananana :)

As june holidays are coming to an end, im really starting to feel the pressure of O levels. Thoughts like, ' what if i screwed up my core subjects that needs to be used like english? What if i wrote out of point? What if my hard work dont pay off? '

Secondary school is definitely not the same as primary school. Primary school so long as you mug, you'll get good grades. But in secondary school? Hell no way man. Im so fearful that i would screw up even though ive tried my best, and i will end up having an L1R5 so high that i cant even go to a JC. Ah but screw it, im gonna try my best and think of the worse that could ever happen AFTER O levels. * shoots all negative thoughts down *

Gonna try to fill up what i do not know over the last week of the holidays (hopefully). Toodles!

Here's a short paragraph from Xiaxue from her 12 Feb post. 

It definitely speaks the hearts of many. The society should quit moaning and whinning about everything and do something about it instead of sitting around trying to mess up others lives to make themselves feel better. I guess everyone has been there, done that, including me.We get jealous over others, thus, we try to dig out any flaw to put others down instead of improving on ourselves which is really immature and dumb. Xiaxue's post is well written. Couldn't respect her more.

Taken from : http://xiaxue.blogspot.sg/search?updated-max=2012-03-07T07:07:00%2B08:00&max-results=7&start=9&by-date=false

" And then later on in life you like a cute boy but he chooses a girl prettier than you, slimmer than you. She works out at the gym, watches her diet and she's got plastic surgery and wears makeup and pretty clothes all the time.

What do you do? Instead of upping your game you bitch and moan, complaining that the girl cheated her way up the looks hierarchy. Stupid girl must spend all her time dwelling on her looks and must have no personality at all!

Why should men care about looks? What a shallow man, you say, conveniently forgetting you also liked him because of his looks.

Shouldn't they care about character, like in that Taylor Swift song? Can't he see you are his soulmate? If she didn't work out or had plastic surgery you bet you are even better-looking than her!!

Ah but here's the thing... She did work out and she did get surgery.

Surprise!! Other people are more hardworking than you! Instead of blaming the system, GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING.What is stopping you?

Are you afraid that if you studied hard your results are only mediocre? Are you afraid that after plastic surgery and losing weight you are still ugly and your dream boy still doesn't like you? So afraid and insecure that you'd rather never have tried hard before, than to try hard and fail? Well then fuck you, you have no rights to insult others who had the courage to try. " - Xiaxue

I've been really down these few days because im constantly comparing myself with others. I tend to look at what others have and i dont which makes me feel that my life sucks ( which, i know is pretty immature of me) but i just cant help it. I've always fancied how others can lead such a luxurious life with everything falling in place for them without even trying. I can't help but to envy them. I really need to contain my competitiveness that burn within me. I guess i should stop focusing on what others have because i AM fortunate enough not to worry about my daily meals everyday and having a roof above my head, and of course a lovely family. I have so much to be thankful about yet i kept complaining about my life just because i dont have some things that others may have. I really got to get rid of all these negativity in me and start living my life that i should. Stop being so complacent! :(

Going to work out my timetable later and will start working towards my O levels tomorrow. I dont want to live my life with regrets. :) Tooooodles.

Hi people! Okay as you all know Chinese O level is on monday and we have had chinese intensive programme everyday for the whole week. I feel that im somewhat prepared but so long as i dont write out of point im ready to go:) Had extra lessons in school from 9.00am till 10.30ish. Went to watch Men in Black 3 and it was awesome shit i swear. Honestly i wasn't expecting much from the movie cause i thought it was gonna be some kind of mundane action movie. It's a really awesome movie that really captivated my attention from the beginning all the way till it ended. Usually i would just get bored and start to space out. So, a movie that captures my attention is a truly good movie :) I would give this movie a rating of 4.7/5. The bad thing about this movie is that some parts are kind of disjoint that hard to comprehend cause the setting of the scene changes very fast. But you wouldn't even think about it because it's just god damn nice. I really really really hope i can get an A1 for my chinese since it's the second time that im taking. Come to think about it, last year i chose Question 3, which is like story writing to write and i know that my compo was out of point and my paper 2 didnt do very well either. I really dont want to feel as horrible as i did back in January where i had gotten back my chinese result. I had done what i could and right now i would just cross my fingers and hope for the best of luck on Monday. Meh, sorry for the boring post cause im feeling quite neutral now and i dont really have anything to write. Hehehehe. will blog again soon!

Hi ! It's been a long time since i've blogged due to many reasons. I've realised there were some posts that were a little too sensitive and it should be kept as draft. I didnt expect people to actually read my blog so i had been posting whatever that comes up on my mind and type it down. (My bad)Those posts had been deleted and tada my blog's free to read again:)

Okay, mid years had just finished and we had gotten back all our scripts. To be honest i felt really, really disappointed in my results because i felt that i could have done so much better judging by the amount of effort i've put in. Not say im extremely hardworking but i had put in my 101% effort in getting my results to decent grades. The results were horrifying and just, indescribable.

Its really dejecting to see others scoring effortlessly while im struggling just to scrape through my examinations. I know that i shouldn't be competing with others and that i should be contented as i've improved from my last year results ( failed 4 ). Also, this mid year was the full paper format that we would be sitting for o levels as compared to last year which is only a part of it.

It's just kills the damn motivation for you to even study when it isn't showing the results that you had hoped for. On top of that, its even more saddening seeing people getting their As and Bs even when they didnt study. I mean wtf, where is the justice. I used to think that with resilience and peserverence, anything is possible. And to be honest im a hardworker myself, and i would do anything to get what i want to achieve. Im not trying to boast or anything but im just saying im willing to go that extra mile just to keep up with others even if i have to because im not blessed with that intelligence. This mid years had put my beliefs into question and i dont even know if it still applies to me anymore. What for put in so much effort and get shit results in the end. It sucks ok.

My mother and my grandma had always told me that if i've given in my best, it is good enough. It is just like what Dee Kosh said in his #mybestisgoodenough video back last year. Last year, i would kill myself when i dont achieve my results even when ive put in my best. I remembered how hard i've cried after i've got back my Mathematics paper because i've been practising consistently, doing practice after practice EVERYDAY without fail. And yes, i've cried because i bloody failed yet AGAIN. This failure not only acts as a disappointment to myself, but also to my tuition teacher who had never given up hope on me even when i kept flunking my math over and over and over again. And there are the smart ones who could pull through without much studying for Emath and get an A which made me felt even worse. I started to doubt if i was ever gonna pass my math. I felt horrible beyond description. Because of my consistent failure in math, my mum wanted to change tuition teacher for me which is the last thing i want to happen. It took days of persuasion and much tears to keep my tuition teacher. What's more, I got additional lecture from Mr C. (initials used are purely coincidental) during the PMP session and even got accused of not studying.

Speaking of Mr C. , it brings me to my next point. My tuition teacher had constantly encouraged me and told me to compete with myself because there is no point killing myself comparing with others because i will never be happy and there's really no point which only makes me feel stressed and depressed. She had never given up hope on me and we started working towards our Mid years ever since December. Finally, this mid years i had gotten B4. I was so elated because i haven't passed any Midyear/finalyear exams for math ever since Secondary 1 FYE. That's how bloody lousy i am and i swear, i couldn't be any happier even if i just passed. I've came a long way from where i was and the happiness i felt was undescribable. Just when im humming away happily in my heart, Mr C. had to approach me and tell me this, ' your results is very lousy. You didn't get A '

Let me get this straight Mr C. , You have no idea how hard i've studied for this exam and must i remind you that the mid year paper i had just sit for is TWICE the number of question as compared to last year and TWICE the overall marks as compared to last year? If you've got NOTHING better to say please SHUT THE HELL UP. Just because other 22 people in our class are scoring distinctions and you expect me to do the same when all along i've had an E8 average for math? I'VE ALREADY GAVE MY BEST, I'VE PASSED, WITH A B, FUCK YOU WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME? You have no idea how much your words had affected me. If you tell me that when obviously i didnt gave in my best i'll just keep my mouth shut but NO. OKAY. I GAVE IN MY BEST IF THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, PLEASE FUCK OFF. Thanks to you i spent my whole recess crying feeling so horrible about myself. Just when im starting to see a little hope in myself you just killed that every little hope that i had. I really wanna thank azizah for comforting me if not i dont know how i could survive throughout the rest of the day. Thankyou love, your words are very encouraging <3

and please, even my parents dont even compare me with anyone else, what makes you think you have the right to do that? It's a really great improvement and im satisfied about it so please keep your words to yourself unless you want a day where i can't take it anymore i will fucking explode and spout all my anger on you. I dont mind if you keep quiet and not say or comment anything about it. I really dont.

Okay enough of my rants. I know i may have over reacted but im a very sensitive person. These kind of teachers should just die you know. What's so fun going around demoralising people. -.-

Well i hope i would update soon but i doubt i would cause Chinese Os are coming. seeya!

I have to admit, I've always taken my mum for granted. She's the person whom i love the most in this entire world. I couldn't find any other mum in this world who is as understanding as her.
She never expected much from me, she would always be there to support me no matter how bad my results are, how much i refused to open up to her, and how much i dont cherish her.
I talk to my mum like how i would to a normal friend, but ironically i can't open up to her to how i really feel deep down inside. I'm always someone who's not good in expressing myself and whenever she tried to make an effort to get to know me better, i'd push her away because i felt that she is invading my comfort zone. I know, consciously, deep down inside im wrong by doing so, but i just cant help but to distant myself away from her.
Im really glad that she trusts me to make my own life decisions and differentiate from whats right and whats wrong. Although there were some point of times where this trust between us lies on a thin thread, but we managed to pull through it all.
I just feel so blessed having this super mummy:)
Mum, in case if you ever read this, i love you, always have, always will.

.

After hearing what one of my loved one's had gotten from his parents, i just got reminded by how fortunate i am to have such loving parents who loves me no matter what i am.

It sucks not to have any rights or say against others parents because they painstakingly raised their children up.
We are in no position to judge or point fingers at how a parent should raise their children. However, some things which are just downright unjustified and wrong.
Im not saying that hitting a child is wrong, but hitting a child would only cause not only physical, but emotional pain as well. Hitting a child doesnt make him smarter, or make him realise he's wrong, or simply just to make him see from your point of view. Some parents ought to do some reality check on themselves before blaming everything on the child. Don't be too surprised if they send you home to old folks home when you're old. It's your monsterous behaviour that led you to your downfall.

Woohooo! Its the beginning of the holidays but i still have to go back to school most of the days. Damn.

I seriously cant wait for SLC to get done and over with. SLC used to be super duper fun, but now its just like bleh. Dont really look forward to it anymore. Oh well.

Its 3.00am in the morning and im still up. Oh god this is bad. I think my body clock's screwed.

I feel so blessed having such a sweet boy by my side. Really blessed.

I can't believe how insensitive i was saying all those words without feeling the impact of it until it's spoken. God why am i such an airhead.

The thought of not having someone important in your life right now in your future really scares me. It's really frightening how someone who once meant the world to you treats you like a complete stranger years later. There would always be a day where everything goes wrong and everything will start to crumble down. I really dont know how i would be able to handle the blow of losing him. I may look as if that i dont care about him, whether he's alive or not because we're so distant in school, or because i dont allow myself to be seen as a weakling who depends too much on a guy and would literally die without him. The truth is, i care. I care so much that i sometimes worry about him till i can't concentrate, i care too much knowing that he's not alright but he chose to keep it away from me because he'd rather keep the hurt to himself than to hurt me. Tell me, where in the world can i find such a sweet guy like him?

Its been a rather toned down week lately since all the tests are over.

Its funny how we dont cherish what we have before something significant to us is lost. We would tend to focus on the things that we dont have than what we are so fortunate to have. I feel so blessed having so many awesome friends that i know i can rely on like amos , azizah and bennett. Wouldn't know how my world would be if they walk out of my life.

Its weird how when you kept telling yourself that something doesnt affect you anymore but whenever you see him you would feel like crap as before and memories would start to flow back to our minds.


One thing that i've learnt from last year is that its alright to cry when you miss someone, but after crying you gotta move on and get on with life cause life aint gonna wait for you to get better and all these are just not worth it because things have changed. Changes are inveitable as it is a part and parcel of our lives. We should learn when we have to bade goodbye to our loved ones when it is the time to let go. If you love someone so much, it means wanting the best for your loved ones, even if it means going through the rest of his/her life without you being in it. This is what i call true love.

I came to realize that i should take everything by the flow and i shouldnt be rushing things through. I tend to overthink too much that would lead to much unhappiness because of the possibilities of what may go wrong leads to being afraid of the uncertainty of the future. I should take things as it is and not to overthink so much. Oh well, i guess thats me. :)

Its 2.00am in the morning and i need to be up by 5.45am to go to school tomorrow god! TGIF! Finally gonna have some well deserving rest over the weekends.

This totally made my day.