Hi ! It's been a long time since i've blogged due to many reasons. I've realised there were some posts that were a little too sensitive and it should be kept as draft. I didnt expect people to actually read my blog so i had been posting whatever that comes up on my mind and type it down. (My bad)Those posts had been deleted and tada my blog's free to read again:)

Okay, mid years had just finished and we had gotten back all our scripts. To be honest i felt really, really disappointed in my results because i felt that i could have done so much better judging by the amount of effort i've put in. Not say im extremely hardworking but i had put in my 101% effort in getting my results to decent grades. The results were horrifying and just, indescribable.

Its really dejecting to see others scoring effortlessly while im struggling just to scrape through my examinations. I know that i shouldn't be competing with others and that i should be contented as i've improved from my last year results ( failed 4 ). Also, this mid year was the full paper format that we would be sitting for o levels as compared to last year which is only a part of it.

It's just kills the damn motivation for you to even study when it isn't showing the results that you had hoped for. On top of that, its even more saddening seeing people getting their As and Bs even when they didnt study. I mean wtf, where is the justice. I used to think that with resilience and peserverence, anything is possible. And to be honest im a hardworker myself, and i would do anything to get what i want to achieve. Im not trying to boast or anything but im just saying im willing to go that extra mile just to keep up with others even if i have to because im not blessed with that intelligence. This mid years had put my beliefs into question and i dont even know if it still applies to me anymore. What for put in so much effort and get shit results in the end. It sucks ok.

My mother and my grandma had always told me that if i've given in my best, it is good enough. It is just like what Dee Kosh said in his #mybestisgoodenough video back last year. Last year, i would kill myself when i dont achieve my results even when ive put in my best. I remembered how hard i've cried after i've got back my Mathematics paper because i've been practising consistently, doing practice after practice EVERYDAY without fail. And yes, i've cried because i bloody failed yet AGAIN. This failure not only acts as a disappointment to myself, but also to my tuition teacher who had never given up hope on me even when i kept flunking my math over and over and over again. And there are the smart ones who could pull through without much studying for Emath and get an A which made me felt even worse. I started to doubt if i was ever gonna pass my math. I felt horrible beyond description. Because of my consistent failure in math, my mum wanted to change tuition teacher for me which is the last thing i want to happen. It took days of persuasion and much tears to keep my tuition teacher. What's more, I got additional lecture from Mr C. (initials used are purely coincidental) during the PMP session and even got accused of not studying.

Speaking of Mr C. , it brings me to my next point. My tuition teacher had constantly encouraged me and told me to compete with myself because there is no point killing myself comparing with others because i will never be happy and there's really no point which only makes me feel stressed and depressed. She had never given up hope on me and we started working towards our Mid years ever since December. Finally, this mid years i had gotten B4. I was so elated because i haven't passed any Midyear/finalyear exams for math ever since Secondary 1 FYE. That's how bloody lousy i am and i swear, i couldn't be any happier even if i just passed. I've came a long way from where i was and the happiness i felt was undescribable. Just when im humming away happily in my heart, Mr C. had to approach me and tell me this, ' your results is very lousy. You didn't get A '

Let me get this straight Mr C. , You have no idea how hard i've studied for this exam and must i remind you that the mid year paper i had just sit for is TWICE the number of question as compared to last year and TWICE the overall marks as compared to last year? If you've got NOTHING better to say please SHUT THE HELL UP. Just because other 22 people in our class are scoring distinctions and you expect me to do the same when all along i've had an E8 average for math? I'VE ALREADY GAVE MY BEST, I'VE PASSED, WITH A B, FUCK YOU WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME? You have no idea how much your words had affected me. If you tell me that when obviously i didnt gave in my best i'll just keep my mouth shut but NO. OKAY. I GAVE IN MY BEST IF THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, PLEASE FUCK OFF. Thanks to you i spent my whole recess crying feeling so horrible about myself. Just when im starting to see a little hope in myself you just killed that every little hope that i had. I really wanna thank azizah for comforting me if not i dont know how i could survive throughout the rest of the day. Thankyou love, your words are very encouraging <3

and please, even my parents dont even compare me with anyone else, what makes you think you have the right to do that? It's a really great improvement and im satisfied about it so please keep your words to yourself unless you want a day where i can't take it anymore i will fucking explode and spout all my anger on you. I dont mind if you keep quiet and not say or comment anything about it. I really dont.

Okay enough of my rants. I know i may have over reacted but im a very sensitive person. These kind of teachers should just die you know. What's so fun going around demoralising people. -.-

Well i hope i would update soon but i doubt i would cause Chinese Os are coming. seeya!