Week 1:
I remembered I've just ended hall camp and I was trying to sort everything out. I went to every lecture with much enthusiasm with the heart to learn something new. The LKC lecture theatre was filled to the brim. Everyone came into the lecture theatre with bright eyes and straight backs, busy scribbling every little detail the lecturer had gone through. You know, the typical 'new start' mindset where you aim to be the best student and you swear to yourself you would do anything for a perfect GPA. For me, It was really blissful. Everyone was just trying to find their place in this university, and for most trying to join activities that would guarantee hall stay the following year.
Week 2:
Joined Hall 2's netball to relieve some netball memories back in secondary school days, but quit after awhile cause of other commitments(read on). I was pretty involved with hall stuff, attending their welcoming ceremony and inquired about their different main committees.
Maphia after supper
Theo in my room
On 12 Aug, Theophila and I went together after class to EEE office at southspine to collect our matriculation card because we've missed the ceremony on week 1. On that very day, NTU's CCA booths were being set up for CCA fair. We had to walk through the stretch of booths in order to get to EEE office.
My wandering eyes swept across the booths as we walked past and a few CCAs were intriguing enough for me to make a mental note to revisit later - Scuba diving, MJ Hip Hop, Taekwondo, Yachting.
However, though they have caught my attention it didn't stop me from visiting their booths and I hurriedly went to the office.
Theophila and I somehow had gotten lost and ended up walking past the dragonboat booth.
I didn't know what came to my mind, but at that moment there was this strong surge of impulse that made me blurted out the words, 'Eh Theo, I want see the DB booth!'
I put down my name for their DB experience at kallang and went to collect my matriculation card. When I came back I saw Michelle, my senior way back in secondary school. I was like, WOAH. I've never imagined her to become a dragonboater since she was in performing arts back then. I was really blown away how fit she had become.
That is the story how I joined DB, more details in the following weeks!
Week 3:
I remembered I wasn't adjusting properly to hall and I was terribly home sick. Terribly. I had to call seng every night to comfort me because he just knows the right words to say. It came that dreadful sunday once again. However, I chose not to go back on that night because I want to spend just one more night in my very own bed.
It was the worst decision I've ever made.
I overslept for my lab at 1pm that very day. All engineering/science students should know that lab cannot be missed and you have to find a replacement slot. I felt so terrible and so afraid. I called up the professor and got an MC and went for a makeup the following Friday morning. It felt so terrible because I was all alone and all my other friends weren't there.
Additionally, the very same week I took Campus Red to south spine which is a much, much longer route for my lecture for computing - or so I thought it was.
Apparently, It wasn't lecture but tutorial. By this time, I was already half an hour late for my lesson. Feeling so fustrated, I hurriedly made my way to FE1008 lab only to find out there was no more seats. I stood beside the professor for a good few minutes but he just ignored my presence even with my prompting.
I felt so overwhelmed I just dashed out of the lab and started crying.
It wasn't a standalone reason for my breakdown, I guess being someone who absolutely loves her comfort zone. I guess it was because of the new environment, fast pace lectures, being homesick and messing up by missing lectures and tutorials and even lab. It was the hell week for me.
I don't adapt to my environment fast and honestly being away from home is the hardest. No matter how tough my day was back then, I know I would return to my own home and ease back into my comfort zone to prepare myself for another day at war fighting through the day.
I remembered lying on my dorm bed, telling myself when you had hit rock bottom, the only way was up.
Week 4-7:
DB training started out being pretty easy to handle. Though I was intimidated by handling gym equipment, I still felt energetic after training. It started getting tougher and tougher.
I was forced to face my biggest fear, or rather my enemy - running. I just hate running. Hate is not even a word adequately enough to describe the devil, more like detest.
I just couldn't run, not even to save my own life.
I'm really amazed how people can run so fast, clocking in timing that are just unbelievable. To make things even worse, I was introduced to the 179 route oh god I swear I died the very first time round I did it.
I just really hate feeling so inferior because I'm always coming in last, and when I push just a little harder my chest would tighten up causing sharp pain and blocks my lungs from giving me any air.
Trust me when I say I really wish I could push myself but there's a limit to my body. Eventually, I just lost all motivation to run and I became mentally weaker and weaker.
To me, running is just like putting me in the spotlight, shining down right at my shortcoming for everyone to see. It's being enhanced, enlarged how inadequate I am compared to others. I really wonder what did I ever do to deserve such a curse.
Week 8: RECESS WEEK
Went out with A01 lab people - Ching Hui, Jun Kiat and Jia Yee to do our lab report and finally got to try the trending bingsu. We had the oreo one at 313@somerset.
Little rascals
Had DB camp, didn't get to row because of the haze but it was a camp that made everyone talked to one another more, especially those whom I didn't get the chance to during normal training days!
Week 9-11:
Basically started to study because finals is nearing but the fire just wasn't there. I've tried to push myself by asking Ban Loon to study with me at north spine every monday nights but I just couldn't do it.
Week 12:
Had my first race, 33rd Singapore River Regatta. It was pretty nerve wrecking because I didn't know what to expect and on top of that we didn't have much trainings due to the haze. I definitely saw how others were so passionate about this sport made me think about how I should grow fonder of it too.
Completed my engineering communication module today by finishing my presentation. It was done horribly because I didn't memorize and did my slides a day prior to the presentation day. I deserve the horrible grade that I would get because procrastination got the best of me.
Week 13:
CCA had came to a halt for us to study, and so I went to hide back in my cozy corner at starbucks somerset and tampines.
I was finally able to breathe, or at least for awhile.
Exam period:
I started to question myself why I didn't choose to retake my A levels, things would've been so different now. At this point of time, I was very sure that I'm just not cut out for engineering. I find myself whinning through that 13 weeks about my course, often to the breaking point cause I suck at it.
I've let myself to this position today because of my bad decisions in the past.
Getting F9 for Emath I was denied a chance to study A math. When I had gotten a place at TPJC, I stubbornly wanted to go into science stream because I've always felt that science is more difficult to study and I would feel more satisfied with myself at the end of the day conquering it.
Being in a science stream also meant that I had to take up H2 math, and from E math to H2 math the jump was crazy.
Physics is just a hit or miss subject; it's really you get it or you never will. Just like drawing, there is just so much you can do, the rest is pure talent.
I did pretty badly for my A levels and had no one to blame but myself for being so egoistic trying to take up something which I'm obviously not good at.
This had a slippery slope effect which led me to where I am today, stuck in a course that I'm going to suffer.
I used to have this drive to study so damn hard because I had an aim, to get into a decent secondary school, qualify for JC, to enter a local university. I lost all that fire in me because I see no aim in working hard anymore.
I'm not being negative, I'm just being really realistic here. Statically, there would only be 1 Singaporean who would make it through with 1st class honors in EEE. There is just so little 2nd class honors place to offer, pitted against scholars from other countries and a whole bulk of them especially in this course.
I'm just so depressed all the time that I sleep excessively for extended duration. I could sleep 10 hours a day and go right back to sleep for another 5 hours because I refuse to wake up to face reality. I spent most of my time sleeping in my dorm and didn't attend lessons.
However, I'm really thankful for the bunch of friends around me who supported me. Ching Hui and Jun Kiat always trying to help me with my questions, Jia Yee just being there for me to disturb and annoy, Edwin for understanding my rants and agreeing with my views. Not to mention, Ban Loon, also known as the male version of me helping me with computing and Derick who just gets me.
Without them, I just wouldn't know if I'm still sane at the end of the semester.
For the next semester, I'm going to drop all my cores so I won't feel so tight up and feeling like I want to kill myself everyday. It's a risk I'm going to take in the hopes of going to a better course and my dream. It's not going to be easier, but at least it's something I love doing.
I'm not going to elaborate about it but we'll see how it plays out the next semester.
With that, my Year 1 Sem 1 journey came to an end. Life is such a bliss now during the holidays. I'm going to Penang tomorrow for my second race, hope I would come back in one piece.
Here's to hoping for a better semester to end my Year 1 journey!
