Victoria

I dont know how to feel now after prelim is over. To be honest, i just feel like im giving up as days go by.

Even though i can feel myself improving tremendously as compared from last year, it wasnt enough. What if i cant make it? Then what can i do? I know im not there yet, but i've done whatever i could over the SA2-Prelim period to save my ass and prove that im not just gonna fail all the way.

What killed me wasn't what i didn't know; but what i knew. 

Its funny how the things you know from the back of your head, and you just screw it up in the heat of the moment. Im talking about careless mistakes. Carelessness was never the problem with me, or the least problem i could care about. As time goes by, especially this year, i find myself being extremely careless. In that moment when you are doing the exam, you didnt even realize until its over even though your gut feeling tells you that something is terribly wrong. Mistakes like calculating the same set of values the second time and got an incorrect answer the second time when the first time was the right one, being stuck in a dead end at a question you swear you have done a million times before, (like a god damn million, million times) but it cant surface when you are doing the question. Maybe all these mistakes are surfacing up now because i know my content better and tend to overthink questions. I dont know if its a good thing or bad thing but it definitely isn't a mistake that i can afford during As.

It was like a domino effect; one after another paper, the careless killed me even more, spiralling into a series of disasters of my papers.

Before the september holidays everything was fine, or i thought the papers were fine. The very first paper i took after sept hols was Math p1. And genius me threw away maybe 16 marks just because my first step of Maclaurins was wrong(just genius). The very next day i had econs p2 in the afternoon which i couldnt finish because i misread the question and had to redo my third essay. Physics was just a god damn disaster with tons of errors in calculation.

I know there isnt a point in crying over whats done. I guess I have to make do with all the time that i have left and fix this persisting problem of mine.

Im still going to time myself whenever i do any paper because i will feel better under exam conditions. I would usually have a fever right after a math paper because it is a subject i couldnt really handle well under pressure.This time, it didnt happen. To be honest i felt fine, no headaches, no fever, nothing.

It took me long and forever to realize what was wrong with how i was studying; to mug blindly. I didnt had any interest in understanding concepts because i just want to do well for my exams and the fastest solution to it was to do papers after papers. It got me nowhere as seen in my o levels. It took me way too long to realize and maybe a little too late, but there is always time to turn things around. I really dont know if i can even make it with so much stress everywhere and i have a gut feeling i didnt do well for prelims.

I guess the take home message after the prelims is not to lose sight of your goals. Once you lose sight, you lose sight of your goal. No matter how badly you did for a paper, you have to push on and not let it affect you.

 The domino effect isnt just my streak of bad luck, it was because i have lost faith in myself.

I felt so terrible after the math paper and i just felt like i gave up even though i didnt say it. I felt so lousy, i felt like beating myself up for making stupid mistakes that i shoudlnt even be making as someone who is going to take A levels very soon. But hey, after thinking about it after a few days during post prelims i guess i felt better and stopped beating myself up anymore because im just really glad its not A levels.

Shit is going to happen to anyone, in any circumstances. I just have to prepare for the worst and not lose hope just because one paper was terribly done. Shit is going to happen no matter what, but its how we face them thats going to determine if we are going to follow through the path of self defeat or put up a good fight.

To anyone who feel the same as me right now because you think you just didn't do well for prelims, dont lose hope. Hope is the only thing that get us going now and if we lose it, we are going to lose this battle with A levels for sure. Learn from mistakes, and have faith in yourself and dont give up because it is the best solution we have right now.

x

I used to think that school is so fun. I remembered how im always so excited about going to school. I would wake up and prepare early for class, read ahead and pay extra attention in class in primary school. All i ever wanted to do is to be studious and school never felt torturous. I even volunteered in doing so many things like being the group leader and helping teachers carry their books because i love the feeling of being a teacher's pet; but that was in lower primary. As i've grown older, i somehow gotten more sensitive towards the people around me, starting to have bigger goals and bigger dreams in life. At that point in time it was doing well for my PSLE and go to my dream school Anglican High because i really wanted to join my cousin there. I was like the model student and teachers really, really loved me back then. Now, when i look back, i really wondered what happened to the old me that was so passionate about school.

Im breaking. I dont even know why.
Everything seemed so perfect. There isnt anything wrong or anything to quarrel about. Yet, i am always the one having the most to complain about when the other party never ever complained about me for my flaws or my past.
Maybe im just meant to be alone, because whenever i fall in love, i fall so hard that i will move mountains for the person i really love; head over heels literally.
It isnt surprising because honestly i cant stand myself, why would i expect anyone to even love me? Im so imperfect, far from being anything perfect. I constantly feel that im the factor that is constantly dragging people down because im just so negative all the time.
You know its easy to tell me just not to think about negative thiings, but its just in my nature and its just me. Its like telling someone to control their anger when you know they are born hot tempered. Yes, all these can be changed. But, when something is just part of you, you will just tend to relapse and be back to the person you try so hard to leave behind. There is just this part of you that would never really leave you no matter how hard you try to change yourself. Admit it, everyone faces this problem of wanting to become a better person, a better lover, a better human being, but we would just end up in a vicious cycle and stuck with what we are in the first place.
I love attention. Who doesnt. Some people just show it more outwardly and some people just want to a little more than others. Is it really so wrong to want attention from the one you love? There is a fine line between giving your other party space and being treated like invisible, only to be visible when someone needs me.
Im just so tired of trying so hard to be a better person and the other party just doesnt want to change a thing to make a relationship works. Why am i always the one giving in, changing, compromising? Everyone has a breaking point being tolerant, and when being tolerant just cant block you from feeling so fucking negative about yourself because you/ll realize your other party doesnt give a god damn shit anymore, you/ll fall, head first to the hard concrete ground. And, when you realize you have fallen in love too deep, the only way you will ever be is get hurt.
I feel so jealous whenever i see other couples meeting each other everyday after school, and most of the time you just arent there. You dont even bother to ask if we wanted to meet. You have never said you missed me even when we dont meet for weeks. I feel like im in a relationship whereby i just need to be there when you need me, when you dont have your friends. Thats when you come to find me. I hate it when you separate your social life and me altogether. It isnt wrong, but like ive said, there is a fine line between being inviisble and giving you the space. You were never there for me when i needed you most of the time when im so stressed out over my studies. My family is in a mess and you just told me to ignore because wow its thats so easy i wouldnt have turned to you for help. Is it so wrong to ask for a little more attention for you? At least i dont feel so invisible and like a third wheel when you have no one to talk to. Im a girl no matter how much i made it look like i dont need you. I fucking do. I dont say it because it makes me look weak. I have to even ASK to have your attention? Thats just messed up.
I dont want this kind of relationship, whereby you are just another add on to my life. You are part of my life, the most important person in my life. I dont see the point in being called your girl when all you ever do is treat me the same way as your friends. Even your friends receives more attention from you than me. So why the hell do you even want me in your life since you love them so much?
I just cant take it anymore. Im tired of fighting to keep you in my life when all you ever do is take life as it is because you never ever fought for what you want in life. You never ever wanted anything bad enough to give your all. Your studies? Your cca? Me? Nothing really ever mattered to you anyway.
Its funny how we looked so perfect and trouble free on the outside to so many others, but deep down its not the case.
I fought with you because i want to talk things through, to talk things out so that we could work our way together as a couple. But you never ever gave in, u arent willing to change when ive done so much for myself to make you have a better girl. And all i ever ask for you is to be there for me... and you cant even do that.
I feel so lonely when in a relationship. And its funny how we are in the same school and chance upon each other now and then, but the time we spend together is less than those guys out there who are in army with their girl.
I have you, but deep down all i could feel is sadness and loneliness. Thats just not the way things should be...and honestly, im done trying to solve it because you obviously dont care anymore x.

I cant believe my last post was so long ago and i didnt actually bother to update it till stupid Zavier decided to google my name to see what pops out. I guess it has been awhile...












 Penny U!























Thats all for now. I can't wait for 17 August.
xoxo

it's 31st December 2013.

Funny how times flies within a blink of an eye, and it felt like it was 31st dec 2012 just few weeks ago. It honestly has been a emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I cannot say this year is the worst year of my life, but it definitely isnt the best. 2013 is the year where big changes happened in my life and most of them i never did see them coming. Its also the year where it challenges my mindset that i had been having for the past 17 years of my life and im becoming more accepting and not rigid in my thinking as well as my beliefs. These are the few things i've learnt in 2013; and thats just a few of the many, but its all these that made me grow as a person.

1) The "fine line" in society
Firstly, i always have this mindset being set and have a certain perception against some actions. Its probably how strict i was being raised and how my parents enforced them about it. I used to look at the world in black and white; its either a certain thing is right or wrong. In reality, it just doesnt work that way. I used to think that whoever smokes will be bad company and i will be very judgemental about it. I didn't realize smoking is a common thing till i realize some close friends are actually smokers, and they arent bad person; they are just ordinary people who smoke. Some of them make really good friends and it doesnt change their personality or character in any way. They arent doing anything illegal or whatsoever, so in what way does it make them a bad person? Of course i cant deny the fact that they are putting their health at risk, but thats not the point. They still make good friends, be it they smoke or not. So what makes them so different from non-smoking friends? Nothing.

2) Promises
Promises are used to loosely nowadays and even when people do, it doesnt really give us the assurance that they are going to keep it. No matter how close the bond you share with, how much you think the person is never going to break his/her promises, everyone is subjected to one thing: Change. As we grow older our priorities change, and our preferences and liking will differ even just by a year. We can't stop all these change from happening, thats just like trying to stop a hurricane from coming trying to go against mother nature. Changes we face during our lives will definitely have an impact in our lives, and we definitely would change in the way we carry ourselves or think even though we can't tell the difference. All these little changes we face in life would make or break a relationship, be it friendship or soul mate. Sometimes a person's attitude changes so drastically that it may leave us questioning why are we even friends with them in the first place. People are changing constantly, and how sure are you that you're gonna be there for the person, even at their very worst? You may think it's easy now, but when the person becomes someone you completely don't even know anymore, and it seems like you're drifting further and colder as day goes by to a point where the relationship cant be savaged; what now? Are you really going to swallow all the pain and hurt the person is causing you, or walk away? Most of you would have just walked away because it seems like the easier path to go and honestly, the rationale choice to make. But you're leaving them. What about the promise about being together forever and never to part? Here's the thing: Don't make promises that you can't live up to, especially if you can't love them unconditionally. I dare say i can't even do unconditional love to begin with; so i never ever want to make promises unless i can really keep them because i realize the importance of it and not being stuck in a situation whereby you're left with, " But you promised..." cause both parties are gonna get hurt either way when one decides to walk away.

3) Love
Since young i've always been inspired or maybe taught by Disney flims that the princess would always find her prince in the end and they/ll live happily ever after. I've been yearning for this kind of love and this kind of fairytale story whereby the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and would always make her happy no matter what and even if thee are obstacles, they would clear it in the end anyway and still live a happily ever after ending. This mindset of mine is not going to get me anywhere and i've realize how unrealistic they are. People are not flawless, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. There are definitely little quirks or disagreement in thinking would cause a couple to fight, or probably a persistent problem that is never going to be solved. To make a relationship work, both parties must be willing to compromise in every situation which im seriously, seriously having problems with. Anyway... the heartbreak that i've gotten this year is by far the worst, most painful and just nightmare in every possible way. I've hit rock bottom with this heartbreak and i can't help but to question myself time and again why it didnt work out. It started off as a fairytale, and it ended with a crash and burn. It really isnt any party fault to begin with, but the fault on my part was that ive always have unreasonably high expectations of my love life being like a fairytale but it's seriously all just bullshit to me now. Love is being with someone that makes you truly happy and accepts your flaws the way they are; even at your very worst.  If they can't accept you for the way you are at your worst, then it's time for you to let it go and move on. One thing being in jc is that your life is so hectic that you cant afford to let sad thoughts sink in for long for you to brawl over it and push it away and compress them so that you're able to complete your work. It wasn't easy with many months of dreams, tears and sleepless nights but i've learnt to accept the fact that whats meant to be, will be. I dont need to be chasing after someone who doesnt even think about me anymore and crying myself to sleep blaming all the things that i could have done differently because honestly it isnt any parties fault.

4) Ego
This ego of mine has been causing me lots of problem since the day im born. Im super competitive in nature and i just want to be the best that i can be. I didnt think that im a freaking jc material because i crack very easily under pressure, but i wanted to go cause i wanted to improve my chances of getting into a university. After being in one, i chose to do science stream knowing very well my calibre isn't suited for it. I took it without even giving it second thoughts about it just because everyone said that being in science stream opens you to more courses and of course i thought i could handle it. NOPE, big mistake. I dont even know how am i going to survive j2 next year or get myself a place in uni, still crossing fingers though.

5) Part and parcel of life
Due to the fast pace of our lives, its really easy to drift apart from someone you're really close to just a month ago because its just too difficult to keep in touch. Friends really just come and go without you even realizing. People do leave; too. I get emotionally attached to those who are dear to me and when they leave i feel like a searing sense of loss in my life. Jalene is going overseas to study next year and i have no idea how am i going to live through j2 without her. Im so used to finding her in between breaks whenever i can, make stupid eye contact in chemistry lecture, finding her in council room after school and making really silly jokes every single day. It feels like im just going to walk in an empty council room with no one to look forward to every morning and talk bullshit to. Its just really too much for me to handle, especially with friends who are dear to me retaining who won't be able to be with me next year anymore. It's like this huge whole in my heart that no one can replace and nothing's gonna be same again. Ive been feeling so lonely in council that sometimes its so painful that i have to drag myself to council meetings. It just sucks. But what can i do? People do leave, and its for the better because i obviously want jalene to be happy overseas studying and for the rest to concentrate on their studies rather than sc. Oh well, life just sucks yeah?
This is also the first time i've experienced a loss of a love one. He was a senior of mine back in temasek and he was always a leader for everyone to look up to during our annual cm camps. I still remembered how he tried to calm me down and give me useful advice for my exco interview coming up in a few minutes back in 2010. Now he's gone just like this. His passing feels so surreal, so sudden that no one saw it coming. Life is so fragile that its so precious to me now. It made me realize how i should cherish what i have now before its gone and those people i love. Rest in peace, qx, you will always be remembered in our hearts forever and always.

6) Flawed 
I've always thought that teachers are like superman and woman who are perfect and flawless, but im being proved so wrong when i step into tpjc. Some of the teachers are really horrible and their attitude is really bad. Im talking about those teachers who just wants to see results and neglect the welfare of the students as well as those who makes student lives unnecessarily miserable. You know what kind of teachers im talking about. I dont understand how is a piece of paper prove our self worthy in teacher's eyes. Are we really being sent to school and be photocopy machines and churn out work after work like a mindless zombie without learning anything? Isnt a teacher suppose to teach and let the student understand the concepts rather than memorize essay after essay and not learning anything, or copying a 3 page long sample essay just so we can "internalize" them? Excuse me, not everybody learn through writing it out again and again and spent hours copying essays where it could have been used to rest or do other subjects. I really just dont see whats the point of doing that and what if the student has a different kind of learning style in memorizing or learning? You're just enforcing one way method to each and everyone of the students thinking it fits all. NO, it doesnt work that way.
As for service to the school, there is a very, very fine line being respected and being treated like slaves. I really dont understand why some teachers like to instill a sense within us just for us to obey and swallow whatever they throw at us without questioning them. It really sucks not being able to voice out your opinion because you either not get heard or get scolding real badly. Why can't they just treat everyone with mutual respect so that fear wont stop us from going after help from the teachers that could have made us more productive and less stressful like hello like isnt our workload stressful enough for us? The least they could do is to treat us with respect after all we are still doing a service and the workplace would have been a better environment to work in and people would be more willing to contribute suggestions and ideas that would have made a certain proposal so much better. I just dont understand.

Thats about all in 2013. Definitely much more memories and people to be remembered, but it'll be too long to type it out. Anyway, its been a fruitful 2013 nonetheless, and i hope that 2014 would be a better year for everyone of us and of course ending it with a fantastic A level results :)

ciao!

Its a blink of an eye and its coming to an end of October. The start of october was a very tough and excruciating one to go through. The first few days of october were the first few papers left for promos, which are the papers that im weaker and the determination of whether i would promote or retain: maths on monday, chem wednesday, physics on thursday. I know i probably have brought this on myself for not even studying for chemistry and only crammed everything 1 day before the exam. I was so afraid that i couldnt make the 35% mark cause i really, in all honesty didnt touch chemistry till the very day before promos. If i retain because of chem i downright deserve it. Maths paper was a painful one to sit for because its one of my biggest fear, and also one hell of a subject that took away 3/4 of my time i spent in JC just to settle it given having limitations of not having a maths foundation. If anyone reading this who is going to go to jc who doesnt have amath background... one word of advice: Don't. Just dont. You're just gonna dive right into a pool of sharks and die a horrible death like how i am now. In jc, working hard isnt enough. You have to work with time constraints, as well as energy given the long hours from 7.30-5 or 6 is you have STAR programme every single shit day. Im a pretty much of a hard worker and i can tell you if you choose to take up this route prepare to give up A LOT of things. I didnt go for JC1 camp and ended up mugging vectors at the airport everyday, and council camp to mug differentiation, even LTC camp to mug integration. Yes i bloody remember all the sacrifices i've made because looking back i really, really regretted it and i wish i could have taken a subject combination which suits me more and i wouldnt feel like killing myself everyday from stress. Anyway, so i sat for the paper and did what i could. It was awfully painfully because i left like many questions totally blank because i didnt know how to do them. Maybe im still not there yet, but i'll get there. Soon. I walked out of the exam hall thinking im gonna bloody fail this shit. Im already so exhausted from doing maths and i had to study chemistry which i neglected the whole year. I totally had no rest with these three papers back to back and honestly i think i nearly gave up. Chemistry paper was like shit because i went in to the exam hall not knowing how to do any energetics questions and 50% of it was on that. But then again, who to blame but me for neglecting it. I promise God that if i could manage to scrape through this chemistry exam i promise never ever to neglect it again. I think God heard my prayers and gave me a second chance. Will talk about it later. Already feeling shitty and tired from chemistry paper i still had one last h2 paper left: physics. It was the worst, and i really meant worst paper ive sat for. It was one of my stronger subjects and my deciding factor if i could promote because i knew my maths couldnt make it yet. I was already so fucking exhausted and aching all over and the amount of stress caught up with me and i finally broke down at midnight. I cried non stop and had to call kavitha to calm me down. I really cried my heart out because i was so frightened... so afraid because i didnt have enough time to prepare for physics. I calmed myself down and studied till 3am and went to bed. The paper was tough, and i had constant waves of panic attacks doing the paper, like shortage of breaths and gasping for air every now and then. Im not even exaggerating. Looking back, if only i could have slept and trust that my constant studying could have brought me through and have a little more faith in myself i could have passed.

So the moment promos were over, i walked home alone and i started crying cause i knew i screwed up. Jalene and Farah spotted me and gave me a hug as they didnt have paper that day. Really thankful to have them in my life. I numb my pain away and went out for the rest of the day.

The next few days and week i was down with infection so i didnt attend sch for a week. I came back and rushed WR with the group and submission was last week monday. The entire group stayed till 9pm at Joshua's house to finish our entire wr to be handed up on monday. It was a hectic, crazy week.

Thursday was the day when we got back our results. The first was chem. When mr choon gave me back my results i literally scream my heart out. I did made the 35% mark. And guess what surprise was in for me? I passed. This is the first time i've passed chem in my entire jc life though i dont deserve it. But like what ive promised, i will study very very very hard for chemistry for now onwards.

After that was econs which i felt confident about it cause i thought i did well for the paper. Result wasnt bad too.

Then came physics, which i got 56/135. Which is a freaking big fat S. I frantically calculated my overall and i got 44%. After the checking of paper i just broke down. I thought i was going to retain because physics was my only hope and i missed it by that 1%. If only i hadnt been so stressed up i would've done better and even pass, to think that my mcq was freaking 12/40 and still manage to get an S. I knew how to do the paper but i wasnt confident. Lesson learnt, never ever do last min cramming and have faith in yourself, but hard to tell given the deciding factor if i promote or not is the last paper after all the horrible papers ive sat for. I just cried and cried and jalene farah sherry mh came to comfort me. Jalene even offered to share pelipper with me. Awwww (: but shucks, i dont wanna retain cos of that 1%, its like one big slap across your face.

Friday came and i passed GP with a decent 48% but was shocked that i failed my essay 21/50 while that mh who didnt do anything but listen to the sound of f1 engine the day before GP exam at national library got 50%. Damn not fair bro...

I didnt manage to get to see my maths paper cause i had stomach flu and was literally dying in the cafe and got sent home by my teacher. I did manage to know my result though and to my delight guess what.... i freaking passed maths.
Its funny how i was frantically thinking if i could hit 35% but i did pretty decent. Like wow, im just shocked.

So promos results are
GP: E
Chinese: D
Chem h1: E
Econs: A
Maths: D
Physics: S

So i managed to scrape through promos with my overall of

GP: E
chinese: D
Chem h1: S
Econs: A
Maths: E
Physics: S

Thank god no Us. Im so, so thankful and blessed. I was about to lose hope of hardwork bearing fruits of labour but i was wrong. God has seen me through all kinds of hardships and my constant battle with maths, from late tuition till 9pm twice a week and doing many, many maths paper from various JCs to up my game, God has decided to be nice to me. Like what Miss Kerk have always said, " God will help those who help themselves. " this saying stays with me till today and i really believe maybe its part of luck that i manage to scrape through promos, thinking 225/900 people are on the verge of retaining. Im just so, so glad that im given more time and a second chance to prove myself that i can make it. 2013 is definitely a year which made me learnt a lot. From having the worst heartbreak from a guy whom i thought was the one with endless crying at night, experiencing a dear friend passing, a star whom i worship, cory monteith pass away due to over dosage of drugs to finding friends that i can keep for life and who were there for me through the darkest times and having passion for council due to encouragement from the people in there.

Next year is gonna fly. With prom, open house, orientation coming up very soon, gonna be so busy again. For now, im gonna enjoy my " slack " period. Till then!
Xoxo

I've never felt this lonely,
This afraid.
Its like being faced with a life and death situation,
that you may not make it through the day.


Tell me why is this world such a fearful place to live in?
In this place where we regard as our home
That we are all so familiar with.
But never once enjoyed being on it.

"Baby I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around " 

Its been a few months now. It still definitely hurts whenever i come to think about it when im alone. I've learnt and came to accept the fact that you got tired of me and eventually  moved on from me. What hurts is that that heartbreak took away everything; i no longer want to give my all to anyone because they are going to break my heart eventually, get tired of me and move on. I really thought that i had a fairytale ending, but i was so wrong. I dont believe in a happily ever after anymore, neither do i want to love anyone because im just so incapable. I dont trust people easily anymore and always have doubts about everything. Pain has indeed changed people. But what can i say, maybe im just a horrible person that made everyone left. But its okay, im fine alone now. And i will be stronger in time to come... but i will never be the same again. 

12 more days till the big day and yes im scared to my wits. Its just the 2nd biggest fear of all jc students other than A levels which take shit to another whole new level.

Just by the thought of what i have to lose if i retain seriously haunts me. My position as a councillor, my friends and girls from s21, my pride as well as wasting another year. The stakes are so high that i cant afford to screw up. Not this time.

So far my results are really shaky but i should feel better cause there are definitely others who are worse than me. Promo is accounted for 80% of our grades in our entire jc1 exam, and yes, its do or die.

I know its not the right time to freak out but i guess i have to maintain and work under the pressing time and intensified pressure.

So far my results for CA/SA (10% each) are
Physics: U/B
Econs: C/A
Maths: S/U
H1:
Chemistry: U/S
GP: D/E
Chinese: E/B

it doesnt really look that bad from the first glance but my overall for chem is 35%, which is just meeting the promotional critieria and as for maths 33%, 2% away from promotional criteria. If i get retain because of maths i swear im not going to forgive myself for being such a fooling and ignorant prick for taking h2 maths just because i think with hardwork it makes a difference. Just please let me be right for once and let me get promoted to J2. ),:

Enough of ranting, shall hit the books now.

In an blink of an eye it's already September, which means that promotional exams are around the corner.