3 more days till you are back, 4 more days till i finally get my well deserved freedom. 3 more days to chinatown's adventure again. 3 more days till im finally able to sort my feelings out. I really cant wait.
I felt that i didnt do my very best for econs, and i really dont know if i did up to a certain expectation.
Maybe im just not capable of doing well in anything.
I really regret for slacking off for my best subject, being way too complacent when im not that good at it in the first place. If i end up with something less than an A i couldnt blame anybody but myself. As A level progress i start to feel that my future seem more and more bleak. Next week marks the unofficial end of my As (still have my h1 mcq to deal with). Everyday seems to pass by so slowly and everyday i feel so exhausted after every paper. I dont think next week is going to get any better because econs paper 2 is just a painful subject to sit for because you are fighting against time and you wont even have time to catch your breath. If you dont finish any part of the 3 essays you are pretty much screwed. Tomorrow's physics. I need all the luck that i can have right now.
The funny thing is when you have important things to do your mind is just clouded with stupid thoughts of things that can always wait after A levels. You cant just block out these thoughts and some of them are really disheatening... thoughts like not making into a uni with my grades.. what am i going to do with my life? I definitely dont want to go through this whole painful process again, ever. Ive lost so much friendships, relationships because i couldnt handle the A levels as im very emotionally dependent on them. Im just really glad those who stayed by me through this whole process are really the ones worth keeping in my life. Daryl is definitely one of them. Teaching me math when i was a mental breakdown and i was so close to giving up. He spends time telling me his hopes and dreams and i told him mine on days where we just felt like crap about ourselves. He told me how to craft my essays 2 days before gp paper even though he had bio on the same day as well. He is always with me when im emotionally broken, even though i got to admit i dont even know how he is able to withstand such a whinny person like me. We never said that we were good friends, it isnt even a term that we use to label each other because deep down in our hearts we just know we are. Ive really regretted letting him go out of my life just like that because of a girl, but i promise i would never let that happen again because he is one good friend i really wnnt to keep in my life for a long, long time. I've only know how to appreciate somebody because i've lost someone very close to my heart because he showed his true colors to me, a selfish jerk he is deep down inside his heart. If he cant take care of me now, how is he going to take care of me in the future? If he cant even know how to weigh out his priorities and cut me off how is it fair that i need to stay with him for 2 years when he is in army when he couldnt even stay with me when i need him the most through this very tough period of time? Just, fuck no.
All my life i've really hated, detest, just hate math for life. I didnt know life, or any subject was "undoable" until H2 math came into the picture. Before i realize what i had gotten myself into, there is no way of turning back.
It feels so weird because a bulge of my time has been spent on this time consuming devlish hell subject that i've grown to hate it so much its so weird its finally gone. Its like you just want some free time when you are so busy and when you finally do, you realize you dont have any purpose in life.
When i was doing the paper every question made me felt like this:
Im not going to comment on the paper but fingers cross i hope i get a decent grade with the amount of effort ive put in. But im feeling pretty terrible right now so im just gonna rant and sleep today off and start a new day tomorrow.
Life is so horrible right now. 3 more subjects to go before i bade goodbye to them forever.
Im so afraid i cant even make it to a uni. Honestly, i really do...
If im really so smart and studiously read my lecture notes and able to absorb everything why do i even need you to begin with? You told me to ask you questions but all you ever did was, " go read your lecture notes. " or " this is basic stuff. " i feel very bad but you really make me feel damn stupid and as if everything i ever ask you is just dumb to you. You just put me off in even bother asking you something because you are just going to tell me to do whatever that any student would do first before asking. And if we can really absorb everything and know everything in our lecture books we are all gonna be As student no? But im not there yet thats why i need you. Your support and no matter how stupid it is you shouldnt be annoyed. You of all people should know how painful, demoralizing it is to get scolded. You should know why you even ask questions and got scolded by your teacher when you are a student. I am just the same. And the way i think is just different and not like you. I already know you are gonna scold me but i asked anyway because im desperate and bcos i couldnt find any answer to my question. It really hurts. It wouldnt harm trying to be a little less harsh. I know you care, but i really just dont like it when you do this to me... because of all people you should know i never loved those subjects and im trying my best... even if it means asking dumb question at this crucial period of time. Im dumb. Thats why i need you. Dont you get it?
I am so angry right now because of something someone said to me and i just find it absolutely insulting and stereotypical of people. Why do we all live in such a superficial world where grades reflect your self worth to the world and where people cry and get depressed over a piece of fucking paper only serving a purpose to get into university in the end.
i am NOT saying that A levels is NOT important. IT FUCKING IS.
Im talking about if it doesnt works out, its not the end of the world, even though to a 18/19 year old it is. But the world is so much more than that. If you are one of that kind of person who thinks that people who cant go to university are just failures in life, fuck the hell off away from me. I absolutely abhor such people. Does having a degree assure that you will get a high paying job next time? Generally of course. But this doesnt give people the right to say that without a degree you arent going to be successful in life, or yet worst being categorized as someone who is a failure in life. For all you know, they are going to be your boss next time and being more successful in life than you will ever be with that god damn degree. Drop that superficial attitude and mindset because life is more than just pieces of paper which quite determines the rest of your life. We take A levels for the sake of going into university, but when it doesnt work out there is always other options. I think i have a fair argument here given the fact that i have not sat for my A levels and got my certificate, A levels definitely makes me feel like my intelligence is nowhere near others, inadequate, low self esteem because i couldnt reach my goal even till prelims. But these are the harsh conditions that we are put into to push ourselves to push our limits, to make ourselves to be the best of what we can be. The society made us feel this way just to condition us to strive for the better. But even through the process of working hard and pushing your limits and one still cannot make it, it fucking doesnt mean one is stupid, it just means that studying is just isnt their forte, or maybe a late bloomer.
People are put in very harsh conditions of pressure, expectations to only show ourselves how strong we really are to push through all these obstacles, may be through tears, through having countless anxiety attacks, through depression even. That being said, It already shows how strong someone is just by completing their A levels even though they know they couldnt make it, because there are so many, just way too many people who fail to enter the exam hall because they are overwhelm by the fear of failure.
Dont ever let a piece of paper determine your self worth, this is what Jana said to me and its true. Society would always keep pushing you to test your limits, to go beyond boundaries. Countless people have succeeded without a degree, so dont ever say that they are failures. Because people who have mindsets like you are the losers because they fail to see the meaning of life, the meaning of true strength when you get knocked down by a big failure in life in As only to get back up on your feet again. Dont look down on people because you arent so great yourself. Life will continue to throw shit at you, and people like you who have this mindset will just break and crumble if you are faced with this kind of set back.
i am NOT saying that A levels is NOT important. IT FUCKING IS.
Im talking about if it doesnt works out, its not the end of the world, even though to a 18/19 year old it is. But the world is so much more than that. If you are one of that kind of person who thinks that people who cant go to university are just failures in life, fuck the hell off away from me. I absolutely abhor such people. Does having a degree assure that you will get a high paying job next time? Generally of course. But this doesnt give people the right to say that without a degree you arent going to be successful in life, or yet worst being categorized as someone who is a failure in life. For all you know, they are going to be your boss next time and being more successful in life than you will ever be with that god damn degree. Drop that superficial attitude and mindset because life is more than just pieces of paper which quite determines the rest of your life. We take A levels for the sake of going into university, but when it doesnt work out there is always other options. I think i have a fair argument here given the fact that i have not sat for my A levels and got my certificate, A levels definitely makes me feel like my intelligence is nowhere near others, inadequate, low self esteem because i couldnt reach my goal even till prelims. But these are the harsh conditions that we are put into to push ourselves to push our limits, to make ourselves to be the best of what we can be. The society made us feel this way just to condition us to strive for the better. But even through the process of working hard and pushing your limits and one still cannot make it, it fucking doesnt mean one is stupid, it just means that studying is just isnt their forte, or maybe a late bloomer.
People are put in very harsh conditions of pressure, expectations to only show ourselves how strong we really are to push through all these obstacles, may be through tears, through having countless anxiety attacks, through depression even. That being said, It already shows how strong someone is just by completing their A levels even though they know they couldnt make it, because there are so many, just way too many people who fail to enter the exam hall because they are overwhelm by the fear of failure.
Dont ever let a piece of paper determine your self worth, this is what Jana said to me and its true. Society would always keep pushing you to test your limits, to go beyond boundaries. Countless people have succeeded without a degree, so dont ever say that they are failures. Because people who have mindsets like you are the losers because they fail to see the meaning of life, the meaning of true strength when you get knocked down by a big failure in life in As only to get back up on your feet again. Dont look down on people because you arent so great yourself. Life will continue to throw shit at you, and people like you who have this mindset will just break and crumble if you are faced with this kind of set back.
The truth is, I never stopped thinking about you. There isn't a day that has gone by that you arent on my mind. It's been so long. I should have moved on. But i cant.
If only i could turn back time, i would do everything so differently. I lost a guy i loved so much due to my pride and stubbornness. If only i still could talk to you, i would tell you how sorry i am for being so protective, too protective even though i did so out of love.
I doubt you will see this anyway. You have long moved on. I know tuay very well. But somehow deep down inside, i still cling onto that glimpse of hope. Hoping you would give me a second chance. Because i've never loved someone so much before in my life to put my pride aside, having so many recurring dreams everyday about him every night now and then, feeling so empty when i wake only to realize the sad truth that we arent on speaking terms anymore. I never stopped loving you. Never did, and i dont think i ever will.
If only i had a second chance. Things will be so different now. You will still be with me, i wont be missing you so badly. I wont be hating on myself everyday wondering what i did wrong that cost me to lose the love of my life forever.
I miss you. When will i ever have a chance to see you again?
If only i could turn back time, i would do everything so differently. I lost a guy i loved so much due to my pride and stubbornness. If only i still could talk to you, i would tell you how sorry i am for being so protective, too protective even though i did so out of love.
I doubt you will see this anyway. You have long moved on. I know tuay very well. But somehow deep down inside, i still cling onto that glimpse of hope. Hoping you would give me a second chance. Because i've never loved someone so much before in my life to put my pride aside, having so many recurring dreams everyday about him every night now and then, feeling so empty when i wake only to realize the sad truth that we arent on speaking terms anymore. I never stopped loving you. Never did, and i dont think i ever will.
If only i had a second chance. Things will be so different now. You will still be with me, i wont be missing you so badly. I wont be hating on myself everyday wondering what i did wrong that cost me to lose the love of my life forever.
I miss you. When will i ever have a chance to see you again?
Its been 29 hours since ive last spoken to you. There is nothing in the world i want right now than to be in your arms right now. I couldnt stop thinking of you throughout the day. What were you doing? What would you do if you were there with me? What were you thinking? As much as you can say your friends think that im always the one ignoring you, i have never stopped thinking about you and you have never stopped running through my mind. I only ignored you to protect my own heart.
I've been caring too much about you, so much so that i have been putting myself through so much pain. All i ever thought about is to get your grades up when i know you didnt do well even though im no better myself.
Its love that drives me insane, insanely into you that i cant take my mind off you no matter how i tried to deny it. You have no idea how much i love you.
I always wonder if our conflicting views of things will ever get into the way of our relationship. It definitely did. We both want different things and seek for different kind of happiness in a relationship. Are we ever going to work this out? Honestly, im scared to answer it myself.
I stopped talking to you but it was never my best interest at heart. I always say that i did so because you are hurting me. But how can it be true when the excruciating pain i get when i dont even get to speak to you is so much worst?
Im putting aside my pride, because you should know im always putting up a strong front and appearing tough and oblivious to my surroundings. I hate feeling inferior, I hate it when i have to admit that i love you more than you love me. Because yes, i do. A hell lot that makes me want only the best for you.
Maybe these are just tough times. But i/ve always thought that im dragging you down.
" Im always unproductive when im with you. "
It just proves all my insecurities right and i really was a drag to you.
If not talking to you eases all your pain and worries i would do it for you unconditionally.
If there is one thing that i cannot take away from you, is your happiness.
You seem so happy now, and there is nothing i should do to destroy it.
Because no matter you are with me or not, you will get over it. Because im just a drag.
Im sorry for pulling you down for the past one year. Im sorry for being the reason why you ever got angry in the first place because you hardly do. Maybe, just maybe... i was never good enough for you.
I miss you.
I really fucking do.
I've been caring too much about you, so much so that i have been putting myself through so much pain. All i ever thought about is to get your grades up when i know you didnt do well even though im no better myself.
Its love that drives me insane, insanely into you that i cant take my mind off you no matter how i tried to deny it. You have no idea how much i love you.
I always wonder if our conflicting views of things will ever get into the way of our relationship. It definitely did. We both want different things and seek for different kind of happiness in a relationship. Are we ever going to work this out? Honestly, im scared to answer it myself.
I stopped talking to you but it was never my best interest at heart. I always say that i did so because you are hurting me. But how can it be true when the excruciating pain i get when i dont even get to speak to you is so much worst?
Im putting aside my pride, because you should know im always putting up a strong front and appearing tough and oblivious to my surroundings. I hate feeling inferior, I hate it when i have to admit that i love you more than you love me. Because yes, i do. A hell lot that makes me want only the best for you.
Maybe these are just tough times. But i/ve always thought that im dragging you down.
" Im always unproductive when im with you. "
It just proves all my insecurities right and i really was a drag to you.
If not talking to you eases all your pain and worries i would do it for you unconditionally.
If there is one thing that i cannot take away from you, is your happiness.
You seem so happy now, and there is nothing i should do to destroy it.
Because no matter you are with me or not, you will get over it. Because im just a drag.
Im sorry for pulling you down for the past one year. Im sorry for being the reason why you ever got angry in the first place because you hardly do. Maybe, just maybe... i was never good enough for you.
I miss you.
I really fucking do.
I dont know how to feel now after prelim is over. To be honest, i just feel like im giving up as days go by.
Even though i can feel myself improving tremendously as compared from last year, it wasnt enough. What if i cant make it? Then what can i do? I know im not there yet, but i've done whatever i could over the SA2-Prelim period to save my ass and prove that im not just gonna fail all the way.
What killed me wasn't what i didn't know; but what i knew.
Its funny how the things you know from the back of your head, and you just screw it up in the heat of the moment. Im talking about careless mistakes. Carelessness was never the problem with me, or the least problem i could care about. As time goes by, especially this year, i find myself being extremely careless. In that moment when you are doing the exam, you didnt even realize until its over even though your gut feeling tells you that something is terribly wrong. Mistakes like calculating the same set of values the second time and got an incorrect answer the second time when the first time was the right one, being stuck in a dead end at a question you swear you have done a million times before, (like a god damn million, million times) but it cant surface when you are doing the question. Maybe all these mistakes are surfacing up now because i know my content better and tend to overthink questions. I dont know if its a good thing or bad thing but it definitely isn't a mistake that i can afford during As.
It was like a domino effect; one after another paper, the careless killed me even more, spiralling into a series of disasters of my papers.
Before the september holidays everything was fine, or i thought the papers were fine. The very first paper i took after sept hols was Math p1. And genius me threw away maybe 16 marks just because my first step of Maclaurins was wrong(just genius). The very next day i had econs p2 in the afternoon which i couldnt finish because i misread the question and had to redo my third essay. Physics was just a god damn disaster with tons of errors in calculation.
I know there isnt a point in crying over whats done. I guess I have to make do with all the time that i have left and fix this persisting problem of mine.
Im still going to time myself whenever i do any paper because i will feel better under exam conditions. I would usually have a fever right after a math paper because it is a subject i couldnt really handle well under pressure.This time, it didnt happen. To be honest i felt fine, no headaches, no fever, nothing.
It took me long and forever to realize what was wrong with how i was studying; to mug blindly. I didnt had any interest in understanding concepts because i just want to do well for my exams and the fastest solution to it was to do papers after papers. It got me nowhere as seen in my o levels. It took me way too long to realize and maybe a little too late, but there is always time to turn things around. I really dont know if i can even make it with so much stress everywhere and i have a gut feeling i didnt do well for prelims.
I guess the take home message after the prelims is not to lose sight of your goals. Once you lose sight, you lose sight of your goal. No matter how badly you did for a paper, you have to push on and not let it affect you.
The domino effect isnt just my streak of bad luck, it was because i have lost faith in myself.
I felt so terrible after the math paper and i just felt like i gave up even though i didnt say it. I felt so lousy, i felt like beating myself up for making stupid mistakes that i shoudlnt even be making as someone who is going to take A levels very soon. But hey, after thinking about it after a few days during post prelims i guess i felt better and stopped beating myself up anymore because im just really glad its not A levels.
Shit is going to happen to anyone, in any circumstances. I just have to prepare for the worst and not lose hope just because one paper was terribly done. Shit is going to happen no matter what, but its how we face them thats going to determine if we are going to follow through the path of self defeat or put up a good fight.
To anyone who feel the same as me right now because you think you just didn't do well for prelims, dont lose hope. Hope is the only thing that get us going now and if we lose it, we are going to lose this battle with A levels for sure. Learn from mistakes, and have faith in yourself and dont give up because it is the best solution we have right now.
x
Even though i can feel myself improving tremendously as compared from last year, it wasnt enough. What if i cant make it? Then what can i do? I know im not there yet, but i've done whatever i could over the SA2-Prelim period to save my ass and prove that im not just gonna fail all the way.
What killed me wasn't what i didn't know; but what i knew.
Its funny how the things you know from the back of your head, and you just screw it up in the heat of the moment. Im talking about careless mistakes. Carelessness was never the problem with me, or the least problem i could care about. As time goes by, especially this year, i find myself being extremely careless. In that moment when you are doing the exam, you didnt even realize until its over even though your gut feeling tells you that something is terribly wrong. Mistakes like calculating the same set of values the second time and got an incorrect answer the second time when the first time was the right one, being stuck in a dead end at a question you swear you have done a million times before, (like a god damn million, million times) but it cant surface when you are doing the question. Maybe all these mistakes are surfacing up now because i know my content better and tend to overthink questions. I dont know if its a good thing or bad thing but it definitely isn't a mistake that i can afford during As.
It was like a domino effect; one after another paper, the careless killed me even more, spiralling into a series of disasters of my papers.
Before the september holidays everything was fine, or i thought the papers were fine. The very first paper i took after sept hols was Math p1. And genius me threw away maybe 16 marks just because my first step of Maclaurins was wrong(just genius). The very next day i had econs p2 in the afternoon which i couldnt finish because i misread the question and had to redo my third essay. Physics was just a god damn disaster with tons of errors in calculation.
I know there isnt a point in crying over whats done. I guess I have to make do with all the time that i have left and fix this persisting problem of mine.
Im still going to time myself whenever i do any paper because i will feel better under exam conditions. I would usually have a fever right after a math paper because it is a subject i couldnt really handle well under pressure.This time, it didnt happen. To be honest i felt fine, no headaches, no fever, nothing.
It took me long and forever to realize what was wrong with how i was studying; to mug blindly. I didnt had any interest in understanding concepts because i just want to do well for my exams and the fastest solution to it was to do papers after papers. It got me nowhere as seen in my o levels. It took me way too long to realize and maybe a little too late, but there is always time to turn things around. I really dont know if i can even make it with so much stress everywhere and i have a gut feeling i didnt do well for prelims.
I guess the take home message after the prelims is not to lose sight of your goals. Once you lose sight, you lose sight of your goal. No matter how badly you did for a paper, you have to push on and not let it affect you.
The domino effect isnt just my streak of bad luck, it was because i have lost faith in myself.
I felt so terrible after the math paper and i just felt like i gave up even though i didnt say it. I felt so lousy, i felt like beating myself up for making stupid mistakes that i shoudlnt even be making as someone who is going to take A levels very soon. But hey, after thinking about it after a few days during post prelims i guess i felt better and stopped beating myself up anymore because im just really glad its not A levels.
Shit is going to happen to anyone, in any circumstances. I just have to prepare for the worst and not lose hope just because one paper was terribly done. Shit is going to happen no matter what, but its how we face them thats going to determine if we are going to follow through the path of self defeat or put up a good fight.
To anyone who feel the same as me right now because you think you just didn't do well for prelims, dont lose hope. Hope is the only thing that get us going now and if we lose it, we are going to lose this battle with A levels for sure. Learn from mistakes, and have faith in yourself and dont give up because it is the best solution we have right now.
x
I used to think that school is so fun. I remembered how im always so excited about going to school. I would wake up and prepare early for class, read ahead and pay extra attention in class in primary school. All i ever wanted to do is to be studious and school never felt torturous. I even volunteered in doing so many things like being the group leader and helping teachers carry their books because i love the feeling of being a teacher's pet; but that was in lower primary. As i've grown older, i somehow gotten more sensitive towards the people around me, starting to have bigger goals and bigger dreams in life. At that point in time it was doing well for my PSLE and go to my dream school Anglican High because i really wanted to join my cousin there. I was like the model student and teachers really, really loved me back then. Now, when i look back, i really wondered what happened to the old me that was so passionate about school.
Secondary school was hell torturous. Over time you would realize that you are not the smartest and you start being stressed up about whether you can make it in life. I really hated my secondary school's culture of putting academics being ahead of everything else. Even though the school motto is we care; yeah caring only about academics that's what i would say. Yes i do admit that academics are really important. But what if some people are just late bloomer and maybe some are really trying their best but still failing anyway? Im one of those people who try and have been constantly failing and failing. I absolutely hate it when they have this firing squad whereby we will get send to some little room in the library and get fired bullets of hurtful comments and remarks from not only one, but four teachers. Are you kidding me right now? Can you even imagine the poor kid sitting infront of four teachers getting reprimanded for studies? I know that some people just need that extra push or just that little wake up call but some may not take it so well and may even just give up trying to study because they cannot go through with those comments. The worst is that they shove down forms and ask you to drop your subject combinations when they think you cannot handle what you took. Its okay to give a suggestion, but its not okay to influence how we feel whats best for us. Yes, we are young and may not be the best judge for whats the best, but no one is because the teachers are not in our shoes, and i really think that is emotionally traumatizing to make such a decision when it is so near O levels.
If i were to turn back time, i would never have dropped anything too even though what i had gotten for my grades isnt the best but AT LEAST i knew i gave it a shot. I really love physics and even though its a subject that i totally just suck at it but i really want to sit for it and see the outcome for myself, be it whether its good or bad. All these huge emphasis on studies really made me not want to go to school. I would occasionally just skip classes and study at home because the environment is too competitive for me to handle, or sometimes i just cant be bothered anymore due to the overwhelming stress.
And then there comes along JC, which brings what i defined as hell to a whole new level. In JC1 you have to worry about promos and you are just killing yourself just to get promoted and the fear of retaining makes you break down every now and then. If promos isnt bad enough there comes along JC2 which you practically hate waking up every morning because the stress just keeps piling up as A levels are drawing closer and closer. It's like if you screw up for A level, it feels like the end of the world; although if you look at this from a wider point of view it isnt but hey who doesnt feel like it when you are doing your As? It really sucks.
School isnt as enjoyable anymore and neither is life. I often wonder why do we kill ourselves pursuing education for 16 years of your life and then go into the working world knowing nothing about it? The things we do may not even require a degree holder.
I have this mindset that i just have to go through with this path because its what i should do and what society has planned us to go through. But seriously, everyday in my life i keep asking myself why am i even doing this, studying so hard and working my ass off just to get an a level cert which doesnt even worth anything but an entry to university.
People kept telling me to just study hard and things will work out eventually but work out what? Most people dont live their dreams and doing what they love. They are just working for the sake of working. For me, ive always wanted to do something different, something that not many would pursue but at least i love doing it. I'd rather get paid lowly doing the things i love than to work in an office leading a typical mundane life. Life is just too short. Way too short for us to waste it away. Although even though i may have all these thoughts in my head, i cant pursue them because society forbids. Singapore has been an increasingly expensive country to live in and the cost of living is high. I dont have money to go overseas to pursue anything unless im on a scholarship(which is kinda impossible at this point in time).
" They always say with time, you will figure what you want to do with your life. "
I have been telling myself this since 10, that everything will work out eventually and i will find my dream.
im already 18, im still as clueless as i was before 8 years ago not knowing what to do with my life to have any worth on this earth.
They always say time heals all wounds, cease all conflicts, solve all problems.
But yet, i still dont realize what i am doing with my life.
Im breaking. I dont even know why.
Everything seemed so perfect. There isnt anything wrong or anything to quarrel about. Yet, i am always the one having the most to complain about when the other party never ever complained about me for my flaws or my past.
Maybe im just meant to be alone, because whenever i fall in love, i fall so hard that i will move mountains for the person i really love; head over heels literally.
It isnt surprising because honestly i cant stand myself, why would i expect anyone to even love me? Im so imperfect, far from being anything perfect. I constantly feel that im the factor that is constantly dragging people down because im just so negative all the time.
You know its easy to tell me just not to think about negative thiings, but its just in my nature and its just me. Its like telling someone to control their anger when you know they are born hot tempered. Yes, all these can be changed. But, when something is just part of you, you will just tend to relapse and be back to the person you try so hard to leave behind. There is just this part of you that would never really leave you no matter how hard you try to change yourself. Admit it, everyone faces this problem of wanting to become a better person, a better lover, a better human being, but we would just end up in a vicious cycle and stuck with what we are in the first place.
I love attention. Who doesnt. Some people just show it more outwardly and some people just want to a little more than others. Is it really so wrong to want attention from the one you love? There is a fine line between giving your other party space and being treated like invisible, only to be visible when someone needs me.
Im just so tired of trying so hard to be a better person and the other party just doesnt want to change a thing to make a relationship works. Why am i always the one giving in, changing, compromising? Everyone has a breaking point being tolerant, and when being tolerant just cant block you from feeling so fucking negative about yourself because you/ll realize your other party doesnt give a god damn shit anymore, you/ll fall, head first to the hard concrete ground. And, when you realize you have fallen in love too deep, the only way you will ever be is get hurt.
I feel so jealous whenever i see other couples meeting each other everyday after school, and most of the time you just arent there. You dont even bother to ask if we wanted to meet. You have never said you missed me even when we dont meet for weeks. I feel like im in a relationship whereby i just need to be there when you need me, when you dont have your friends. Thats when you come to find me. I hate it when you separate your social life and me altogether. It isnt wrong, but like ive said, there is a fine line between being inviisble and giving you the space. You were never there for me when i needed you most of the time when im so stressed out over my studies. My family is in a mess and you just told me to ignore because wow its thats so easy i wouldnt have turned to you for help. Is it so wrong to ask for a little more attention for you? At least i dont feel so invisible and like a third wheel when you have no one to talk to. Im a girl no matter how much i made it look like i dont need you. I fucking do. I dont say it because it makes me look weak. I have to even ASK to have your attention? Thats just messed up.
I dont want this kind of relationship, whereby you are just another add on to my life. You are part of my life, the most important person in my life. I dont see the point in being called your girl when all you ever do is treat me the same way as your friends. Even your friends receives more attention from you than me. So why the hell do you even want me in your life since you love them so much?
I just cant take it anymore. Im tired of fighting to keep you in my life when all you ever do is take life as it is because you never ever fought for what you want in life. You never ever wanted anything bad enough to give your all. Your studies? Your cca? Me? Nothing really ever mattered to you anyway.
Its funny how we looked so perfect and trouble free on the outside to so many others, but deep down its not the case.
I fought with you because i want to talk things through, to talk things out so that we could work our way together as a couple. But you never ever gave in, u arent willing to change when ive done so much for myself to make you have a better girl. And all i ever ask for you is to be there for me... and you cant even do that.
I feel so lonely when in a relationship. And its funny how we are in the same school and chance upon each other now and then, but the time we spend together is less than those guys out there who are in army with their girl.
I have you, but deep down all i could feel is sadness and loneliness. Thats just not the way things should be...and honestly, im done trying to solve it because you obviously dont care anymore x.
Everything seemed so perfect. There isnt anything wrong or anything to quarrel about. Yet, i am always the one having the most to complain about when the other party never ever complained about me for my flaws or my past.
Maybe im just meant to be alone, because whenever i fall in love, i fall so hard that i will move mountains for the person i really love; head over heels literally.
It isnt surprising because honestly i cant stand myself, why would i expect anyone to even love me? Im so imperfect, far from being anything perfect. I constantly feel that im the factor that is constantly dragging people down because im just so negative all the time.
You know its easy to tell me just not to think about negative thiings, but its just in my nature and its just me. Its like telling someone to control their anger when you know they are born hot tempered. Yes, all these can be changed. But, when something is just part of you, you will just tend to relapse and be back to the person you try so hard to leave behind. There is just this part of you that would never really leave you no matter how hard you try to change yourself. Admit it, everyone faces this problem of wanting to become a better person, a better lover, a better human being, but we would just end up in a vicious cycle and stuck with what we are in the first place.
I love attention. Who doesnt. Some people just show it more outwardly and some people just want to a little more than others. Is it really so wrong to want attention from the one you love? There is a fine line between giving your other party space and being treated like invisible, only to be visible when someone needs me.
Im just so tired of trying so hard to be a better person and the other party just doesnt want to change a thing to make a relationship works. Why am i always the one giving in, changing, compromising? Everyone has a breaking point being tolerant, and when being tolerant just cant block you from feeling so fucking negative about yourself because you/ll realize your other party doesnt give a god damn shit anymore, you/ll fall, head first to the hard concrete ground. And, when you realize you have fallen in love too deep, the only way you will ever be is get hurt.
I feel so jealous whenever i see other couples meeting each other everyday after school, and most of the time you just arent there. You dont even bother to ask if we wanted to meet. You have never said you missed me even when we dont meet for weeks. I feel like im in a relationship whereby i just need to be there when you need me, when you dont have your friends. Thats when you come to find me. I hate it when you separate your social life and me altogether. It isnt wrong, but like ive said, there is a fine line between being inviisble and giving you the space. You were never there for me when i needed you most of the time when im so stressed out over my studies. My family is in a mess and you just told me to ignore because wow its thats so easy i wouldnt have turned to you for help. Is it so wrong to ask for a little more attention for you? At least i dont feel so invisible and like a third wheel when you have no one to talk to. Im a girl no matter how much i made it look like i dont need you. I fucking do. I dont say it because it makes me look weak. I have to even ASK to have your attention? Thats just messed up.
I dont want this kind of relationship, whereby you are just another add on to my life. You are part of my life, the most important person in my life. I dont see the point in being called your girl when all you ever do is treat me the same way as your friends. Even your friends receives more attention from you than me. So why the hell do you even want me in your life since you love them so much?
I just cant take it anymore. Im tired of fighting to keep you in my life when all you ever do is take life as it is because you never ever fought for what you want in life. You never ever wanted anything bad enough to give your all. Your studies? Your cca? Me? Nothing really ever mattered to you anyway.
Its funny how we looked so perfect and trouble free on the outside to so many others, but deep down its not the case.
I fought with you because i want to talk things through, to talk things out so that we could work our way together as a couple. But you never ever gave in, u arent willing to change when ive done so much for myself to make you have a better girl. And all i ever ask for you is to be there for me... and you cant even do that.
I feel so lonely when in a relationship. And its funny how we are in the same school and chance upon each other now and then, but the time we spend together is less than those guys out there who are in army with their girl.
I have you, but deep down all i could feel is sadness and loneliness. Thats just not the way things should be...and honestly, im done trying to solve it because you obviously dont care anymore x.
I cant believe my last post was so long ago and i didnt actually bother to update it till stupid Zavier decided to google my name to see what pops out. I guess it has been awhile...
Penny U!
z
Thats all for now. I can't wait for 17 August.
xoxo
2014 hasnt really been good to me, and honestly till this point is kind of bad, but i've learnt so much from it from the first half of the year. Im gonna leave the summary of how awful/awesome this whole year has been to me for december. I want to dedicate this post to someone who places a very special person in my heart: Yes you, Minggay.
I know many have been dying to ask how in the world did we even became together because everything was so sudden and trust me i definitely did not see it coming too. I first got to know him back then in student council. I remembered how i couldnt differentiate him with Ji Yong and how i recognized the wrong person that i first spoke to him. I still remembered how i was the one to escape from the hall after a rehearsal and he was the second to leave and i teased him about being some slacker just like me. We only got somewhat closer during the last day of June holiday extended curriculum, where we both wanted to skip school and take MC together, but we didnt in the end because he lives so far away. From then we started talking every now and then. I realized there was something weird though; he was so happy and cheerful, but his twitter was full of emo tweets, maybe even up to 5 tweets a day in a row about how sad he was. I asked him what was wrong and he started pouring out to me, and from then i guess we kind of bonded together, or what usually people call it ' good friends '. We went to the council BBQ together cause i didn't know who else to go with since i wasn't close to Jalene & chinatown gang back then. The whole day he was hiding behind me cause he didn't want to get thrown into the water and i was wearing jeans. What a gay. & thats not the best part, and the best part was when we played truth or dare and he was asked to Shoot, Shag & Marry somebody, and he chose me to be the second. Asshole.
In July, we were both going through a very bad breakup and we started talking to each other more because of that for emotional support. We started texting on a daily basis, and even during General Meeting when we were texting non-stop even though we were literally across the room. I still remembered how upset i was because that was the day i knew i got thrown into Operations when my closer friends back then got into P&D and Welco. (BITCHES OPS IS THE BEST COMM NOW). Anyway moving on...
We were texting like always and one day and i said something like we didnt go out as friends before even though we've been close for sometime; so he was like, " This saturday free? Want pei me go bugis street buy pants? " I literally laughed when i saw that text because its just so funny coming from him i dont know why.
We ended up walking rounds and rounds around bugis street to find his pants and shoes and by then i was pretty annoyed cause i really hated walking. He invited me over to have dinner with him because he wanted to spend more time with him so we joined his friends and had dinner at chompchomp, and that is how i got to know Junie and of course how the isomerism story came about: Hj was literally studying while waiting for seats in chompchomp and the first thing i heard him said was, " What is Structural isomerism? " geesh. I took a cab home that day because it was super late. Once i gotten into the cab, he texted me within seconds once i left his sight(he still does though hehe), and thats when i knew i'm falling in love with him because there was this strange tingling feeling inside me that made me smile upon seeing his text, yeah i know...falling in love with a silly idiot.
I couldnt remember what was the first movie we watched, but i remembered we had a study date at coffeebean in Tampines & i causually commented that conjuring is out. He literally dragged me to go and watch the movie with him, and im a person who is scared to death of horror movies. Prior to that movie i've only watched 2 such flims, one in primary 6 which was drag me to hell where i had my earphones on all the time and haunted changi which i watched with my friend. I dont know why i would let him drag me to see the flim because i swear to hell i was scared out of my wits that i couldnt sleep well for the next 3 days. During the flim, i acted like i totally can handle this horror flim because i thought i would grow out of my fears through the years. I've never been so wrong in my life. I got so scared i grabbed his arm and hid my face from the screen, shaking all over. My body was so tensed up i couldnt move and i refused to look at the screen till the scary part is over. The surprising thing was that he stroked my head and told me, " don't look... don't look. " which is kind of comforting and really sweet.
We had a few study dates in school but we werent the only two. Eventually he asked me if we could study together, just the two of us at our spot in the canteen extension. I dont know why, but i swear i was memorizing econs for CA and he was doing chem or something that day. I was so panicky trying to cramp everything into my head because the test was just the next day. As i was busy highlighting my notes, he turned and called my name. I looked at him and i thought he was going to ask me some chem question. Suddenly, he reached out for my hand and held onto it. " Victoria, I've thought about it. I really love you, can I be with you? " those exact words from him. He left me blushing like a crazy tomato because no one has ever confessed to me in my face and i totally did not see it coming. I couldn't look into his eyes and the sunset was shining on our table, which made it even harder to avoid give an answer immediately because it felt so in the moment. I did say yes eventually, but after a few days to get my feelings sorted out and all. So, Mintoria is formed!
It sounds so cliche but yeah thats how we got together. I know it came out of nowehere because we arent even in the same class nnd have different group of friends and all. Jalene found out after half a month when i put minghao's name as Sunshine in my phone and she was totally judging me and rolling on the floor. Such best friend ya.
I guess i fell in love with him because he was just a sweet guy and a genuine guy that makes me really happy when im around him even till now. Even though he has unconventional ways to show his love for me, but little things such as always replying me first when he has tons of wa messages, always to travel to tampines to study with me even though he live so far away and refused to let me go his area and saying good morning to me everyday really makes me feel loved. He rarely gets angry at me, but when he does im really in some deep shit and i swear when he is mad its scarier than any horror movie flim i've watched hands down. Most importantly, he loved and accepted me for the way i am. He picked me up and loved me when i was at my lowest, when it seemed like all colors have faded from my life and im sick and tired of love. He never ever judged me no matter what i told him, only always replying with, " i still love you anyway". he makes life so simple and happy for me. Having to been through promos together, prom, post promos fun, orientation as ogls together, scaring ogls during nightwalk when he sat there while i tried to scare them by popping out of the wall, and of course walking me through my worst heartache. There is only one thing left for us to do, that is to conquer A levels together and graduate together.
Although he may not show his sweet and loving side openly, he has always been loving to me even how tempermental and irritating i get when im stressed out or when im in a bad mood. Come to think about it, we have really came a long way and been through a lot as a couple, the best side of me, as well as the worst. Yet, he still stuck by me, and im thankful; thankful that i've found this silly idiot. I love you, Ming Hao. Always have, always will.
Council Recruitment :)
Stealing his specs
Road Run
Braiding my hair
BOO.
Council Camp
Chancing upon him in school hehe
Study dates... study dates!
Zoooooooo:)
Hard rock cafe:)
Piggyback!
forever Marche with our Rosti
zxoxo
