Victoria

it's 31st December 2013.

Funny how times flies within a blink of an eye, and it felt like it was 31st dec 2012 just few weeks ago. It honestly has been a emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I cannot say this year is the worst year of my life, but it definitely isnt the best. 2013 is the year where big changes happened in my life and most of them i never did see them coming. Its also the year where it challenges my mindset that i had been having for the past 17 years of my life and im becoming more accepting and not rigid in my thinking as well as my beliefs. These are the few things i've learnt in 2013; and thats just a few of the many, but its all these that made me grow as a person.

1) The "fine line" in society
Firstly, i always have this mindset being set and have a certain perception against some actions. Its probably how strict i was being raised and how my parents enforced them about it. I used to look at the world in black and white; its either a certain thing is right or wrong. In reality, it just doesnt work that way. I used to think that whoever smokes will be bad company and i will be very judgemental about it. I didn't realize smoking is a common thing till i realize some close friends are actually smokers, and they arent bad person; they are just ordinary people who smoke. Some of them make really good friends and it doesnt change their personality or character in any way. They arent doing anything illegal or whatsoever, so in what way does it make them a bad person? Of course i cant deny the fact that they are putting their health at risk, but thats not the point. They still make good friends, be it they smoke or not. So what makes them so different from non-smoking friends? Nothing.

2) Promises
Promises are used to loosely nowadays and even when people do, it doesnt really give us the assurance that they are going to keep it. No matter how close the bond you share with, how much you think the person is never going to break his/her promises, everyone is subjected to one thing: Change. As we grow older our priorities change, and our preferences and liking will differ even just by a year. We can't stop all these change from happening, thats just like trying to stop a hurricane from coming trying to go against mother nature. Changes we face during our lives will definitely have an impact in our lives, and we definitely would change in the way we carry ourselves or think even though we can't tell the difference. All these little changes we face in life would make or break a relationship, be it friendship or soul mate. Sometimes a person's attitude changes so drastically that it may leave us questioning why are we even friends with them in the first place. People are changing constantly, and how sure are you that you're gonna be there for the person, even at their very worst? You may think it's easy now, but when the person becomes someone you completely don't even know anymore, and it seems like you're drifting further and colder as day goes by to a point where the relationship cant be savaged; what now? Are you really going to swallow all the pain and hurt the person is causing you, or walk away? Most of you would have just walked away because it seems like the easier path to go and honestly, the rationale choice to make. But you're leaving them. What about the promise about being together forever and never to part? Here's the thing: Don't make promises that you can't live up to, especially if you can't love them unconditionally. I dare say i can't even do unconditional love to begin with; so i never ever want to make promises unless i can really keep them because i realize the importance of it and not being stuck in a situation whereby you're left with, " But you promised..." cause both parties are gonna get hurt either way when one decides to walk away.

3) Love
Since young i've always been inspired or maybe taught by Disney flims that the princess would always find her prince in the end and they/ll live happily ever after. I've been yearning for this kind of love and this kind of fairytale story whereby the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and would always make her happy no matter what and even if thee are obstacles, they would clear it in the end anyway and still live a happily ever after ending. This mindset of mine is not going to get me anywhere and i've realize how unrealistic they are. People are not flawless, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. There are definitely little quirks or disagreement in thinking would cause a couple to fight, or probably a persistent problem that is never going to be solved. To make a relationship work, both parties must be willing to compromise in every situation which im seriously, seriously having problems with. Anyway... the heartbreak that i've gotten this year is by far the worst, most painful and just nightmare in every possible way. I've hit rock bottom with this heartbreak and i can't help but to question myself time and again why it didnt work out. It started off as a fairytale, and it ended with a crash and burn. It really isnt any party fault to begin with, but the fault on my part was that ive always have unreasonably high expectations of my love life being like a fairytale but it's seriously all just bullshit to me now. Love is being with someone that makes you truly happy and accepts your flaws the way they are; even at your very worst.  If they can't accept you for the way you are at your worst, then it's time for you to let it go and move on. One thing being in jc is that your life is so hectic that you cant afford to let sad thoughts sink in for long for you to brawl over it and push it away and compress them so that you're able to complete your work. It wasn't easy with many months of dreams, tears and sleepless nights but i've learnt to accept the fact that whats meant to be, will be. I dont need to be chasing after someone who doesnt even think about me anymore and crying myself to sleep blaming all the things that i could have done differently because honestly it isnt any parties fault.

4) Ego
This ego of mine has been causing me lots of problem since the day im born. Im super competitive in nature and i just want to be the best that i can be. I didnt think that im a freaking jc material because i crack very easily under pressure, but i wanted to go cause i wanted to improve my chances of getting into a university. After being in one, i chose to do science stream knowing very well my calibre isn't suited for it. I took it without even giving it second thoughts about it just because everyone said that being in science stream opens you to more courses and of course i thought i could handle it. NOPE, big mistake. I dont even know how am i going to survive j2 next year or get myself a place in uni, still crossing fingers though.

5) Part and parcel of life
Due to the fast pace of our lives, its really easy to drift apart from someone you're really close to just a month ago because its just too difficult to keep in touch. Friends really just come and go without you even realizing. People do leave; too. I get emotionally attached to those who are dear to me and when they leave i feel like a searing sense of loss in my life. Jalene is going overseas to study next year and i have no idea how am i going to live through j2 without her. Im so used to finding her in between breaks whenever i can, make stupid eye contact in chemistry lecture, finding her in council room after school and making really silly jokes every single day. It feels like im just going to walk in an empty council room with no one to look forward to every morning and talk bullshit to. Its just really too much for me to handle, especially with friends who are dear to me retaining who won't be able to be with me next year anymore. It's like this huge whole in my heart that no one can replace and nothing's gonna be same again. Ive been feeling so lonely in council that sometimes its so painful that i have to drag myself to council meetings. It just sucks. But what can i do? People do leave, and its for the better because i obviously want jalene to be happy overseas studying and for the rest to concentrate on their studies rather than sc. Oh well, life just sucks yeah?
This is also the first time i've experienced a loss of a love one. He was a senior of mine back in temasek and he was always a leader for everyone to look up to during our annual cm camps. I still remembered how he tried to calm me down and give me useful advice for my exco interview coming up in a few minutes back in 2010. Now he's gone just like this. His passing feels so surreal, so sudden that no one saw it coming. Life is so fragile that its so precious to me now. It made me realize how i should cherish what i have now before its gone and those people i love. Rest in peace, qx, you will always be remembered in our hearts forever and always.

6) Flawed 
I've always thought that teachers are like superman and woman who are perfect and flawless, but im being proved so wrong when i step into tpjc. Some of the teachers are really horrible and their attitude is really bad. Im talking about those teachers who just wants to see results and neglect the welfare of the students as well as those who makes student lives unnecessarily miserable. You know what kind of teachers im talking about. I dont understand how is a piece of paper prove our self worthy in teacher's eyes. Are we really being sent to school and be photocopy machines and churn out work after work like a mindless zombie without learning anything? Isnt a teacher suppose to teach and let the student understand the concepts rather than memorize essay after essay and not learning anything, or copying a 3 page long sample essay just so we can "internalize" them? Excuse me, not everybody learn through writing it out again and again and spent hours copying essays where it could have been used to rest or do other subjects. I really just dont see whats the point of doing that and what if the student has a different kind of learning style in memorizing or learning? You're just enforcing one way method to each and everyone of the students thinking it fits all. NO, it doesnt work that way.
As for service to the school, there is a very, very fine line being respected and being treated like slaves. I really dont understand why some teachers like to instill a sense within us just for us to obey and swallow whatever they throw at us without questioning them. It really sucks not being able to voice out your opinion because you either not get heard or get scolding real badly. Why can't they just treat everyone with mutual respect so that fear wont stop us from going after help from the teachers that could have made us more productive and less stressful like hello like isnt our workload stressful enough for us? The least they could do is to treat us with respect after all we are still doing a service and the workplace would have been a better environment to work in and people would be more willing to contribute suggestions and ideas that would have made a certain proposal so much better. I just dont understand.

Thats about all in 2013. Definitely much more memories and people to be remembered, but it'll be too long to type it out. Anyway, its been a fruitful 2013 nonetheless, and i hope that 2014 would be a better year for everyone of us and of course ending it with a fantastic A level results :)

ciao!

Its a blink of an eye and its coming to an end of October. The start of october was a very tough and excruciating one to go through. The first few days of october were the first few papers left for promos, which are the papers that im weaker and the determination of whether i would promote or retain: maths on monday, chem wednesday, physics on thursday. I know i probably have brought this on myself for not even studying for chemistry and only crammed everything 1 day before the exam. I was so afraid that i couldnt make the 35% mark cause i really, in all honesty didnt touch chemistry till the very day before promos. If i retain because of chem i downright deserve it. Maths paper was a painful one to sit for because its one of my biggest fear, and also one hell of a subject that took away 3/4 of my time i spent in JC just to settle it given having limitations of not having a maths foundation. If anyone reading this who is going to go to jc who doesnt have amath background... one word of advice: Don't. Just dont. You're just gonna dive right into a pool of sharks and die a horrible death like how i am now. In jc, working hard isnt enough. You have to work with time constraints, as well as energy given the long hours from 7.30-5 or 6 is you have STAR programme every single shit day. Im a pretty much of a hard worker and i can tell you if you choose to take up this route prepare to give up A LOT of things. I didnt go for JC1 camp and ended up mugging vectors at the airport everyday, and council camp to mug differentiation, even LTC camp to mug integration. Yes i bloody remember all the sacrifices i've made because looking back i really, really regretted it and i wish i could have taken a subject combination which suits me more and i wouldnt feel like killing myself everyday from stress. Anyway, so i sat for the paper and did what i could. It was awfully painfully because i left like many questions totally blank because i didnt know how to do them. Maybe im still not there yet, but i'll get there. Soon. I walked out of the exam hall thinking im gonna bloody fail this shit. Im already so exhausted from doing maths and i had to study chemistry which i neglected the whole year. I totally had no rest with these three papers back to back and honestly i think i nearly gave up. Chemistry paper was like shit because i went in to the exam hall not knowing how to do any energetics questions and 50% of it was on that. But then again, who to blame but me for neglecting it. I promise God that if i could manage to scrape through this chemistry exam i promise never ever to neglect it again. I think God heard my prayers and gave me a second chance. Will talk about it later. Already feeling shitty and tired from chemistry paper i still had one last h2 paper left: physics. It was the worst, and i really meant worst paper ive sat for. It was one of my stronger subjects and my deciding factor if i could promote because i knew my maths couldnt make it yet. I was already so fucking exhausted and aching all over and the amount of stress caught up with me and i finally broke down at midnight. I cried non stop and had to call kavitha to calm me down. I really cried my heart out because i was so frightened... so afraid because i didnt have enough time to prepare for physics. I calmed myself down and studied till 3am and went to bed. The paper was tough, and i had constant waves of panic attacks doing the paper, like shortage of breaths and gasping for air every now and then. Im not even exaggerating. Looking back, if only i could have slept and trust that my constant studying could have brought me through and have a little more faith in myself i could have passed.

So the moment promos were over, i walked home alone and i started crying cause i knew i screwed up. Jalene and Farah spotted me and gave me a hug as they didnt have paper that day. Really thankful to have them in my life. I numb my pain away and went out for the rest of the day.

The next few days and week i was down with infection so i didnt attend sch for a week. I came back and rushed WR with the group and submission was last week monday. The entire group stayed till 9pm at Joshua's house to finish our entire wr to be handed up on monday. It was a hectic, crazy week.

Thursday was the day when we got back our results. The first was chem. When mr choon gave me back my results i literally scream my heart out. I did made the 35% mark. And guess what surprise was in for me? I passed. This is the first time i've passed chem in my entire jc life though i dont deserve it. But like what ive promised, i will study very very very hard for chemistry for now onwards.

After that was econs which i felt confident about it cause i thought i did well for the paper. Result wasnt bad too.

Then came physics, which i got 56/135. Which is a freaking big fat S. I frantically calculated my overall and i got 44%. After the checking of paper i just broke down. I thought i was going to retain because physics was my only hope and i missed it by that 1%. If only i hadnt been so stressed up i would've done better and even pass, to think that my mcq was freaking 12/40 and still manage to get an S. I knew how to do the paper but i wasnt confident. Lesson learnt, never ever do last min cramming and have faith in yourself, but hard to tell given the deciding factor if i promote or not is the last paper after all the horrible papers ive sat for. I just cried and cried and jalene farah sherry mh came to comfort me. Jalene even offered to share pelipper with me. Awwww (: but shucks, i dont wanna retain cos of that 1%, its like one big slap across your face.

Friday came and i passed GP with a decent 48% but was shocked that i failed my essay 21/50 while that mh who didnt do anything but listen to the sound of f1 engine the day before GP exam at national library got 50%. Damn not fair bro...

I didnt manage to get to see my maths paper cause i had stomach flu and was literally dying in the cafe and got sent home by my teacher. I did manage to know my result though and to my delight guess what.... i freaking passed maths.
Its funny how i was frantically thinking if i could hit 35% but i did pretty decent. Like wow, im just shocked.

So promos results are
GP: E
Chinese: D
Chem h1: E
Econs: A
Maths: D
Physics: S

So i managed to scrape through promos with my overall of

GP: E
chinese: D
Chem h1: S
Econs: A
Maths: E
Physics: S

Thank god no Us. Im so, so thankful and blessed. I was about to lose hope of hardwork bearing fruits of labour but i was wrong. God has seen me through all kinds of hardships and my constant battle with maths, from late tuition till 9pm twice a week and doing many, many maths paper from various JCs to up my game, God has decided to be nice to me. Like what Miss Kerk have always said, " God will help those who help themselves. " this saying stays with me till today and i really believe maybe its part of luck that i manage to scrape through promos, thinking 225/900 people are on the verge of retaining. Im just so, so glad that im given more time and a second chance to prove myself that i can make it. 2013 is definitely a year which made me learnt a lot. From having the worst heartbreak from a guy whom i thought was the one with endless crying at night, experiencing a dear friend passing, a star whom i worship, cory monteith pass away due to over dosage of drugs to finding friends that i can keep for life and who were there for me through the darkest times and having passion for council due to encouragement from the people in there.

Next year is gonna fly. With prom, open house, orientation coming up very soon, gonna be so busy again. For now, im gonna enjoy my " slack " period. Till then!
Xoxo

I've never felt this lonely,
This afraid.
Its like being faced with a life and death situation,
that you may not make it through the day.


Tell me why is this world such a fearful place to live in?
In this place where we regard as our home
That we are all so familiar with.
But never once enjoyed being on it.

"Baby I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around " 

Its been a few months now. It still definitely hurts whenever i come to think about it when im alone. I've learnt and came to accept the fact that you got tired of me and eventually  moved on from me. What hurts is that that heartbreak took away everything; i no longer want to give my all to anyone because they are going to break my heart eventually, get tired of me and move on. I really thought that i had a fairytale ending, but i was so wrong. I dont believe in a happily ever after anymore, neither do i want to love anyone because im just so incapable. I dont trust people easily anymore and always have doubts about everything. Pain has indeed changed people. But what can i say, maybe im just a horrible person that made everyone left. But its okay, im fine alone now. And i will be stronger in time to come... but i will never be the same again. 

12 more days till the big day and yes im scared to my wits. Its just the 2nd biggest fear of all jc students other than A levels which take shit to another whole new level.

Just by the thought of what i have to lose if i retain seriously haunts me. My position as a councillor, my friends and girls from s21, my pride as well as wasting another year. The stakes are so high that i cant afford to screw up. Not this time.

So far my results are really shaky but i should feel better cause there are definitely others who are worse than me. Promo is accounted for 80% of our grades in our entire jc1 exam, and yes, its do or die.

I know its not the right time to freak out but i guess i have to maintain and work under the pressing time and intensified pressure.

So far my results for CA/SA (10% each) are
Physics: U/B
Econs: C/A
Maths: S/U
H1:
Chemistry: U/S
GP: D/E
Chinese: E/B

it doesnt really look that bad from the first glance but my overall for chem is 35%, which is just meeting the promotional critieria and as for maths 33%, 2% away from promotional criteria. If i get retain because of maths i swear im not going to forgive myself for being such a fooling and ignorant prick for taking h2 maths just because i think with hardwork it makes a difference. Just please let me be right for once and let me get promoted to J2. ),:

Enough of ranting, shall hit the books now.

In an blink of an eye it's already September, which means that promotional exams are around the corner. 

What an ironic title when the love of my life had walked away from me a month ago.

Love, its about accepting the other person, from his strengths to his weaknesses, his mistakes, his past.

About 8 months ago, a guy stumbled into my life, a guy who is flawless in my eyes, and still is up till today despite all his mistakes. After I've ended my previous relationship, I promised myself, no more fooling around siok, it's time to settle down. I got tired of dating when I know there won't be an ending to the relationship with a marriage in mind and I had to dump guys when im just done with them. In my mind, I had never been so certain that I will end up marrying him one day. This is the first time I've pictured a future with him in my life. I have never been so wrong.

They always say, the higher you go, the harder you fall. The first few months was a bliss that it was too good to be true. It was not long after the problems started coming in. I must admit that I am a very demanding girlfriend and be childishly unreasonable at times. He and I started quarrelling but we sorted it out eventually, it was not of a big deal. However, things got worse and worse. It got so bad that he forget to text me the whole day. I've compromised. I've told him the moment we started out on this relationship, ' if you ever pick up smoking, we are so over. ' Things took a turn for the worst that I could have ever imagined. He started smoking. It was too much and too overwhelming for me that I spent my nights crying helplessly in my bed. Everyone must be wondering why am I making such a big fuss out of it. He was going to be what I thought my husband in the future, and he is picking up things that will deteriorate his health and I know what are the consequences. He have always said, he'll stop but there's a little voice in my head knowing he wouldn't. Despite him doing the things I couldn't stand, I stood by him with many nights crying myself to sleep. I did not give up on him. I held on, I held even till the very end with him leaving me with the words, ' We're done, its over. ' He cut off all communication with me from that day. That night when we broke up, I was so desperate to contact him and ran out of my house past midnight to find him but I couldn't. Still, I held on. because I believe that there's a way to turn things around even though hopes were so frail. I truly believe that if you love someone enough, you will go any lengths just to make someone stay in your life. Anything.

Few days later, I waited for him to come back home at his house downstairs because I felt that we needed to talk. As expected, his family went up the house without him, I waited, on that cold night alone at his void deck. I ended up crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. It ached that bad. I never knew that he was like that, heartless. His heart is even colder than the night breeze blowing against me that night. I had sleepless nights and went to school like a zombie. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I even neglected my studies because I just cant even bring myself to do anything anymore.

Recently, I've found out from someone that he has moved on with another girl. It aches so bad even till today. The painful thing is I didn't even know what did I do to make him walk away from me and never looked back but moved on with someone else. I stood by him through everything, even when he started changing. Weeks before we broke up we had so much fights and he wanted to break up with me, I held on and begged him to stay. Literally.

Till today, I don't even know what went wrong in our relationship. I have never walked away when I've made a promise to him on our 5th month that I would love and cherish him no matter what. Maybe I just loved him too much that drove him today. But then I realized, he never really loved me. If he did, he would held onto me no matter how obsessed, crazy I was. It was so hard to accept the fact that he's gone just like that, but I realized there's no point in hoping anymore because he has moved on effortlessly.

Its so difficult to bring myself to write this post because I have never talk about him to anyone. I just couldn't do it. It hurts so bad that whenever someone mentions his name I started crying. Im sorry for pushing people away the past few weeks, especially my S21 girls who have been there for me, especially celebrating my birthday with me in school because you all knew I was going to be down and avoided talking about sensitive topics in front of me. You all have done so much for me, now its my turn to give back my love to all of you, Kavitha, Jolene, Jack Yi, Naomi.

I couldn't help but to think about what went wrong in our relationship every night before I sleep, and I would end up dreaming about him frequently and end up in tears when I wake up. Somehow, I just wish all this is just a nightmare that I can wake up from, but I have to accept the truth.

I can't bring myself to think about how heartless he has become, but I need to move on. You have no idea how much I loved that boy. so, so much. However, im not that one that walked away, and the only thing is to move on from him because there is no use crying over a stupid jerk who doesn't love me anymore. I still remembered what he told me one night, ' You always say that I don't care about you, wait till the day that I've stopped caring for you and not even pick up your calls. ' I guess that's all I have to know, that he doesn't love me anymore. I guess that's a good enough reason for me to move on.

I have got so much shit and so much gratitude to pay back to those people who actually loves me. Eugenia, for being there when I called and poured my tears out and took me out shopping to ease my mind. Bennett, for taking care for me from the very start and knowing the right words to say. Kavitha, for taking care of me in class, in school and took me out for yoghurt after school even though you live so far away. I can't imagine my JC life without kavitha. I would've just died. Solomon, for just spending time with me every now and then even though you needed to study. Fiona, for being there in the middle of the night to talk to because I just couldn't stop crying and even though you've got a lot of shit work to do. Jana, for noticing my tweets and sending me songs and motivational messages that really touched my heart. Just so many people that brought me out of this shithole that I failed to acknowledge.

And for those of you who read this for the sake of seeing how miserable I have become, two words, fuck off. If you get so much kick out of seeing people in misery you must be one fucked up kid. Secondary school's over, I don't need to face all those who have ever looked down on me and give you reasons as to how I live my life. If only I can Amanda Bynes bitch slap you right now, I would.

I can honestly say that the damage nearly took my soul away. I won't get into a relationship again and that's something you can believe. I had given my everything away, and I just can't bring myself to love someone again. I have never felt so, so broken and lost. No, i'm not really okay now, but I promise everyone that I will get better soon with time.

Just for those people who read this and going through the same thing as me because some heartless shit head dumped you, remember this "If you can't accept me when im at my worst, you don't deserve to be with me when I'm at my best. " Never settle anything less than unconditional love, you're worth so much more than that.

I don't hold grudges, everyone's God's children. And to anyone who asks me, yes, I forgive him for everything he has done and I wish nothing less than the best for him and his new girl.

Goodbye, my knight in shining armour.

With that, I shall carry on with my mundane routine like every jc kid does when exams are nearing. Yes, mugging.

Few months ago, it was the post O levels period. We had nothing. You fought with your best friend. We had no one, no priorities to study. It's just a period of pure bliss having someone you love so much by your side and have no studies to worry about. We fought, but those fights are being put out before it even began to burn. We solved problems together. We listened to each other.

Fast forward to 2 months later, I started school. Yes, I was the one who started showing my true colours by screaming at shouting at you while you were so patient and understanding towards me and my needs. I was so wrong, but you kept calm.

Another 2 months later, you started school. You started having new friends, you needed to study, that is where everything changed. I don't know what happened, we both did.

Sometimes I feel so helpless that I don't know what to do. I can't live with you, neither can I live without you. We don't seem to understand each other anymore like how we used to be. We talked things out nicely and heard each other's opinions before making a conclusion to end a stupid fight. All we ever do now is yell at each other and most of the time I end up crying helplessly and you fumed with anger.

It isn't the differences that is tearing us apart. We managed that when we are together for the first 3 months. What happened to us? What happened to perfect? How I wish I knew. Things will never be the same anymore. Im too sentimental and looking back at memories is just hurtful because I know nobody would ever share the same sentiments as me.

I can't breathe.

Little things.

It's those little things in life that makes us what we are today. Sure, the big things in life such as getting a pretty good result for your major exams, your wedding day and even getting your car license will be the things that makes us who we are today some way or another. However, it's about those little moments in life, especially those tough roads that bound to have many obstacles blocking our way from our goals, that makes our life worth keeping memories and looking back at.

It's also those little gestures from others, those small action of kindess that makes us remember why they mean so much to you. The beauty about little gestures is that the party doing it may not know their impact towards the receiver, yet it's still fondly etched in our minds. For example, I still remembered how my grandmother would ask me what I would want for lunch the next day so she could prepare for me. The food was always there in the living room on a small marble table when I've gotten home in primary school and it was always the highlight of my day after having such a rough day at school. I remembered how that my grandmother even ran after the school bus to the next stop just to hand me my art and crafts bag. Can you believe it? A 50+ year old then grandma chasing after my school bus just to hand me my stuff because she was so afraid that I will get scolded by my teacher for it. There are others who have made small gestures in my life back then that I still remember till this very day. My cousin, belle, had bought me a Barbie doll pouch because I told her I wanted one just like hers. The reason I wanted one? I just idolize her. I still do. The fact that she let me 'copy' her style back then didn't bother her but rather she acknowledged my idolization towards her which meant so much to me. Mr Jeremy Tan, my math tuition teacher back in primary 6 bought me bubble tea whenever he came my house for tuition. Presently, little gestures still touch my heart and I will definitely remember them few years down the road. my present math teacher, Mr Tan Yik Wei, commented casually that I am a smart girl and he's sure I'm able to do well eventually. Never in my seventeen years of my life a teacher has labelled me in the category of  'smart' but rather 'hardworking' , 'determined' or whatever synonym you could find but never 'smart' . Even though it was really a casual comment, but I've never ever felt that way about myself. It made me feel good even though deep down inside my heart I still do not think that im smart but I feel so acknowledged for being 'smart' even though I ask really stupid questions during tuition. It was just heart warming. Unknowingly, I started feeling more confident about myself and my ego definitely boast and I really felt better about myself ever since then. I started complaining lesser about being so stupid and being a slow learner but rather, ' I got this in the bag, I can do this, im Victoria. '

We may not know how our little gestures may affect other's life, but I would definitely try to make someone's day when I can.

Which brings me to my next point, Aaron.
I know many have questioned why im with him cause we have been fighting like two fighting fish being put in a tank. I am a very firm believer in astrology. I've read up on Cancer and Aries' compatibility, and we are definitely the very opposite of each other and we have a lot of differences between each other and those differences are in our personalities which cannot be changed. So why am I still with him when I know there are going to be so much fights like these because of our conflicting personalities. The reason is very simple. Despite our differences, he still made little gestures that kept our relationship alive and burning. Of course, he is the first guy that I've ever confessed to that felt the same way for me. Yes, I confessed, but don't go all judgemental on me.
As mentioned in knight in shining armour l, when I had fallen hopelessly in love with him back then, he was in love with someone else, or apparently so. Knowing that I had no chance with him, especially after the fact that he addresses me as sis, I just went on a self-destruction mode and blurted out my feelings when we had a very big fight on the last day of a 3-day cold war between us. I knew from the moment when I confessed to him, things would end between us. Not even being friends. However, he still replied my message but didnt said much but sorry for being such a bastard and he hoped that I would reply him the next day. It's those little gestures that he have done throughout the next few days that made me trust him that he was in love with me from the very start, and the other girl is just someone that he had forced himself to like her because he thought that he couldn't get me(he explained this to me in the later part of our relationship). He sent 10 emails, one each day when im away in Japan, made the effort to include emojis in our conversations even though he wasn't a very expressive person. Even after being in the relationship, he knows that i have a very bad temper and he would let me vent my anger on him. Whenever we end up not talking to each other, he still picks up my phone call, no matter how badly we have quarrelled. He picks up macdonalds and delivers it to my house when I said I really craved for Mcnuggets with curly fries at that point of time. All this cliché things, really made me want to hold onto this relationship because i feel that there is no point in quarrelling over something that didn't matter and forgetting whatever happy memories that we've ever had.

One little thing that Aaron said to me before when I felt insecure was, 'Whatever your past is, leave it in the past. I love you for the way you are now and what happened doesn't matter anymore. ' This meant so much to me because i have done terrible things in the past, things that even I am ashamed of myself too. Things that i wished that i wouldn't have done if i had the chance to turn back time and undo them. I'm trying so hard to run away from my past but sometimes it just catches me up like seeing my ex- school mates, ex-lovers coincidentally on the streets makes me want to hide away from all of them. I still have this fear up till today, but believe me, with aaron, it's getting better. Even though he knew me from a completely different background from most of you, he is accepting of whatever bad sins that i have done and he is completely non-judgemental about it. I have never felt so accepted by someone before, for the way that I am, and not someone they want me to be. Of course, I tell him about my past but he would just listen to me rant endlessly and not making a judgement about anything that i have done. This is something that I really appreciate him doing, this small gesture of his; accepting my past.

So, be sure to make an effort to make someone's day by doing a simple gesture for others. It can be opening doors for a complete stranger, helping a friend get coffee, send a motivational message. Who knows, they will remember that moment for the rest of their lives.

As some of you may know, my boy and I have been together for half a year now. It definitely wasn't a easy journey, but we are still together, making opposite ends work and I believe still going strong.

Time goes by and things get tougher. Time and work pulls couples apart, we are of no exception.
Let me rewind a little back to Valentine's Day. We were still as sweet as ever and everything was so blissful that everything seems so surreal. We made time for each other no matter what even when I have started schooling and he is still having his holidays. Having a hectic schedule, I had to literally squeeze out time just to go down to Topshop and get him a gift. Of course, I was whinny and everything because the weather was humid and my bag was so heavy. Got his gift, and immediately went back home and crashed on my bed till the very next morning for school. I woke up feeling like shit because I didn't do my homework and the feeling's so terrible that it kind of spoilt the Valentine's day atmosphere. After school, I went to his house during the evening and waited for him to cook for me my dinner as he promised (how sweet) while he gave me my valentine's day gift in a pretty pink box. I didn't know what was inside yet because it would be rude to open presents in front of your giver, so I contained my temptations and put it aside. However, he told me to open it and there was a little voice in my head going, ' Fuck yes! ' and opened it, anticipating what lies inside this pretty box. When I saw there's a pink cardigan, I remembered how I've always told him how I wanted a pink cardigan but never really had the chance to buy one because im just a stingy person. I was so happy that I gave him a big hug and off he went to prepare my dinner.  

Honestly, he took a long, long time to cook up my dinner and I kind of dozed off a little in front of his computer. When he served me his home cooked dinner, I was so impressed of how detailed he had placed each ingredients side by side to make it look so scrumptious. There was a side of vege, nicely diced up potatoes and a grilled chicken with a few pieces of lemon laying perfectly on it. It was perfect. I'm so impressed that my boy took in all those tiny little details while on the other hand i'm just that kind of girl who would mash everything up because I feel that whatever's on the plate would go into my mouth anyway. I really need to learn how to cook! After he had sent me home, he told me there was another item that is in the box that he have given to me lying beneath the pink cardigan. I opened it again and took out the cardigan, only to find a deck of cards there. I took it out and only to find that they were the cards that I had accompanied him to buy the other day at Dhoby Ghaut because he told me he needed for a magic trick. The only difference was, the once blank cards have all been filled up. all 52 of them. I was so touched and I cried upon seeing those handwritten cards right in front of my eyes. Never in my life would I have thought that a boy would actually do all these for me. The surprise doesn't just stop here; He had uploaded a valentine's day video for me which he did overnight at Alfian, his best friend 's chalet because he wanted to spend the day with me because I was being cancelled upon the last minute. I really feel so blessed having him doing all these for me while pathetic me just bought him a jacket and wrote a pretty card for him. (dang, im useless).

After he have started school, things start to go from fairytale land to what a normal relationship would end up like; fights and quarrels. This is the point of the relationship where couples start to find little flaws about each other that they have not noticed before or just brushed it aside because they are just so happy together becomes unavoidable. His materialistic mindset and my emotion-orientated personality became a serious problem in our relationship that has led us to countless fights and tears. We can quarrel over stupid little things like how he forgets to send me monthsary texts or I hung up on his phone call without saying goodbye. We started pointing out and digging out each other's flaws and after each fight the next one is even more serious. It came to a point of time where we literally just wanted to bite each other's heads off because our conflicts can never be solved. We were so miserable and we did not know what to do because it seemed like our fights are endless. And then it hit us - there is no point trying to change the other person and argue about how much you've given in a relationship; being in a relationship is about giving. We give without expecting any returns. Yes, it seems kind of crazy but it worked for us and we started quarrelling lesser and lesser. There is no point trying to fight over things that when once we have woken up, we wouldn't even remember what we have quarrelled about. Yes, I know everyone has been there, done that. Im guilty of that as well.

We quarrelled till so badly that we were near the breaking point of no return. We wanted to give up, but deep down inside we still love each other and we would die without each other. He have definitely given compromises and I have definitely given mine. We express our love so differently for each other, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. There is no way this relationship is going to be easy because both of us are in the stage of life whereby any wrong step, and that's it for us. For me, its getting that bloody A level cert, while him, keeping up a good GPA so that he's able to enter a local university after he has served NS. Seeing how badly we have fought during the period of time where I have my SA1s and his common tests, I believe there are gonna be more breaking points, but I am not going to give up so easily because I am not going to let go something that is so dear to my heart just to pursue materliastic goals. As a 21st century teenager, we are trained to do the impossible; sleeping less than 5 hours a day, finish piles of homework by the very next day, juggle cca and studies at the same time. I don't see why I need to find the excuse to let go the only good thing in my life right now.

I love you, asshole. :)