Victoria

I've never felt this lonely,
This afraid.
Its like being faced with a life and death situation,
that you may not make it through the day.


Tell me why is this world such a fearful place to live in?
In this place where we regard as our home
That we are all so familiar with.
But never once enjoyed being on it.

"Baby I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around " 

Its been a few months now. It still definitely hurts whenever i come to think about it when im alone. I've learnt and came to accept the fact that you got tired of me and eventually  moved on from me. What hurts is that that heartbreak took away everything; i no longer want to give my all to anyone because they are going to break my heart eventually, get tired of me and move on. I really thought that i had a fairytale ending, but i was so wrong. I dont believe in a happily ever after anymore, neither do i want to love anyone because im just so incapable. I dont trust people easily anymore and always have doubts about everything. Pain has indeed changed people. But what can i say, maybe im just a horrible person that made everyone left. But its okay, im fine alone now. And i will be stronger in time to come... but i will never be the same again. 

12 more days till the big day and yes im scared to my wits. Its just the 2nd biggest fear of all jc students other than A levels which take shit to another whole new level.

Just by the thought of what i have to lose if i retain seriously haunts me. My position as a councillor, my friends and girls from s21, my pride as well as wasting another year. The stakes are so high that i cant afford to screw up. Not this time.

So far my results are really shaky but i should feel better cause there are definitely others who are worse than me. Promo is accounted for 80% of our grades in our entire jc1 exam, and yes, its do or die.

I know its not the right time to freak out but i guess i have to maintain and work under the pressing time and intensified pressure.

So far my results for CA/SA (10% each) are
Physics: U/B
Econs: C/A
Maths: S/U
H1:
Chemistry: U/S
GP: D/E
Chinese: E/B

it doesnt really look that bad from the first glance but my overall for chem is 35%, which is just meeting the promotional critieria and as for maths 33%, 2% away from promotional criteria. If i get retain because of maths i swear im not going to forgive myself for being such a fooling and ignorant prick for taking h2 maths just because i think with hardwork it makes a difference. Just please let me be right for once and let me get promoted to J2. ),:

Enough of ranting, shall hit the books now.

In an blink of an eye it's already September, which means that promotional exams are around the corner. 

What an ironic title when the love of my life had walked away from me a month ago.

Love, its about accepting the other person, from his strengths to his weaknesses, his mistakes, his past.

About 8 months ago, a guy stumbled into my life, a guy who is flawless in my eyes, and still is up till today despite all his mistakes. After I've ended my previous relationship, I promised myself, no more fooling around siok, it's time to settle down. I got tired of dating when I know there won't be an ending to the relationship with a marriage in mind and I had to dump guys when im just done with them. In my mind, I had never been so certain that I will end up marrying him one day. This is the first time I've pictured a future with him in my life. I have never been so wrong.

They always say, the higher you go, the harder you fall. The first few months was a bliss that it was too good to be true. It was not long after the problems started coming in. I must admit that I am a very demanding girlfriend and be childishly unreasonable at times. He and I started quarrelling but we sorted it out eventually, it was not of a big deal. However, things got worse and worse. It got so bad that he forget to text me the whole day. I've compromised. I've told him the moment we started out on this relationship, ' if you ever pick up smoking, we are so over. ' Things took a turn for the worst that I could have ever imagined. He started smoking. It was too much and too overwhelming for me that I spent my nights crying helplessly in my bed. Everyone must be wondering why am I making such a big fuss out of it. He was going to be what I thought my husband in the future, and he is picking up things that will deteriorate his health and I know what are the consequences. He have always said, he'll stop but there's a little voice in my head knowing he wouldn't. Despite him doing the things I couldn't stand, I stood by him with many nights crying myself to sleep. I did not give up on him. I held on, I held even till the very end with him leaving me with the words, ' We're done, its over. ' He cut off all communication with me from that day. That night when we broke up, I was so desperate to contact him and ran out of my house past midnight to find him but I couldn't. Still, I held on. because I believe that there's a way to turn things around even though hopes were so frail. I truly believe that if you love someone enough, you will go any lengths just to make someone stay in your life. Anything.

Few days later, I waited for him to come back home at his house downstairs because I felt that we needed to talk. As expected, his family went up the house without him, I waited, on that cold night alone at his void deck. I ended up crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. It ached that bad. I never knew that he was like that, heartless. His heart is even colder than the night breeze blowing against me that night. I had sleepless nights and went to school like a zombie. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I even neglected my studies because I just cant even bring myself to do anything anymore.

Recently, I've found out from someone that he has moved on with another girl. It aches so bad even till today. The painful thing is I didn't even know what did I do to make him walk away from me and never looked back but moved on with someone else. I stood by him through everything, even when he started changing. Weeks before we broke up we had so much fights and he wanted to break up with me, I held on and begged him to stay. Literally.

Till today, I don't even know what went wrong in our relationship. I have never walked away when I've made a promise to him on our 5th month that I would love and cherish him no matter what. Maybe I just loved him too much that drove him today. But then I realized, he never really loved me. If he did, he would held onto me no matter how obsessed, crazy I was. It was so hard to accept the fact that he's gone just like that, but I realized there's no point in hoping anymore because he has moved on effortlessly.

Its so difficult to bring myself to write this post because I have never talk about him to anyone. I just couldn't do it. It hurts so bad that whenever someone mentions his name I started crying. Im sorry for pushing people away the past few weeks, especially my S21 girls who have been there for me, especially celebrating my birthday with me in school because you all knew I was going to be down and avoided talking about sensitive topics in front of me. You all have done so much for me, now its my turn to give back my love to all of you, Kavitha, Jolene, Jack Yi, Naomi.

I couldn't help but to think about what went wrong in our relationship every night before I sleep, and I would end up dreaming about him frequently and end up in tears when I wake up. Somehow, I just wish all this is just a nightmare that I can wake up from, but I have to accept the truth.

I can't bring myself to think about how heartless he has become, but I need to move on. You have no idea how much I loved that boy. so, so much. However, im not that one that walked away, and the only thing is to move on from him because there is no use crying over a stupid jerk who doesn't love me anymore. I still remembered what he told me one night, ' You always say that I don't care about you, wait till the day that I've stopped caring for you and not even pick up your calls. ' I guess that's all I have to know, that he doesn't love me anymore. I guess that's a good enough reason for me to move on.

I have got so much shit and so much gratitude to pay back to those people who actually loves me. Eugenia, for being there when I called and poured my tears out and took me out shopping to ease my mind. Bennett, for taking care for me from the very start and knowing the right words to say. Kavitha, for taking care of me in class, in school and took me out for yoghurt after school even though you live so far away. I can't imagine my JC life without kavitha. I would've just died. Solomon, for just spending time with me every now and then even though you needed to study. Fiona, for being there in the middle of the night to talk to because I just couldn't stop crying and even though you've got a lot of shit work to do. Jana, for noticing my tweets and sending me songs and motivational messages that really touched my heart. Just so many people that brought me out of this shithole that I failed to acknowledge.

And for those of you who read this for the sake of seeing how miserable I have become, two words, fuck off. If you get so much kick out of seeing people in misery you must be one fucked up kid. Secondary school's over, I don't need to face all those who have ever looked down on me and give you reasons as to how I live my life. If only I can Amanda Bynes bitch slap you right now, I would.

I can honestly say that the damage nearly took my soul away. I won't get into a relationship again and that's something you can believe. I had given my everything away, and I just can't bring myself to love someone again. I have never felt so, so broken and lost. No, i'm not really okay now, but I promise everyone that I will get better soon with time.

Just for those people who read this and going through the same thing as me because some heartless shit head dumped you, remember this "If you can't accept me when im at my worst, you don't deserve to be with me when I'm at my best. " Never settle anything less than unconditional love, you're worth so much more than that.

I don't hold grudges, everyone's God's children. And to anyone who asks me, yes, I forgive him for everything he has done and I wish nothing less than the best for him and his new girl.

Goodbye, my knight in shining armour.

With that, I shall carry on with my mundane routine like every jc kid does when exams are nearing. Yes, mugging.

Few months ago, it was the post O levels period. We had nothing. You fought with your best friend. We had no one, no priorities to study. It's just a period of pure bliss having someone you love so much by your side and have no studies to worry about. We fought, but those fights are being put out before it even began to burn. We solved problems together. We listened to each other.

Fast forward to 2 months later, I started school. Yes, I was the one who started showing my true colours by screaming at shouting at you while you were so patient and understanding towards me and my needs. I was so wrong, but you kept calm.

Another 2 months later, you started school. You started having new friends, you needed to study, that is where everything changed. I don't know what happened, we both did.

Sometimes I feel so helpless that I don't know what to do. I can't live with you, neither can I live without you. We don't seem to understand each other anymore like how we used to be. We talked things out nicely and heard each other's opinions before making a conclusion to end a stupid fight. All we ever do now is yell at each other and most of the time I end up crying helplessly and you fumed with anger.

It isn't the differences that is tearing us apart. We managed that when we are together for the first 3 months. What happened to us? What happened to perfect? How I wish I knew. Things will never be the same anymore. Im too sentimental and looking back at memories is just hurtful because I know nobody would ever share the same sentiments as me.

I can't breathe.

Little things.

It's those little things in life that makes us what we are today. Sure, the big things in life such as getting a pretty good result for your major exams, your wedding day and even getting your car license will be the things that makes us who we are today some way or another. However, it's about those little moments in life, especially those tough roads that bound to have many obstacles blocking our way from our goals, that makes our life worth keeping memories and looking back at.

It's also those little gestures from others, those small action of kindess that makes us remember why they mean so much to you. The beauty about little gestures is that the party doing it may not know their impact towards the receiver, yet it's still fondly etched in our minds. For example, I still remembered how my grandmother would ask me what I would want for lunch the next day so she could prepare for me. The food was always there in the living room on a small marble table when I've gotten home in primary school and it was always the highlight of my day after having such a rough day at school. I remembered how that my grandmother even ran after the school bus to the next stop just to hand me my art and crafts bag. Can you believe it? A 50+ year old then grandma chasing after my school bus just to hand me my stuff because she was so afraid that I will get scolded by my teacher for it. There are others who have made small gestures in my life back then that I still remember till this very day. My cousin, belle, had bought me a Barbie doll pouch because I told her I wanted one just like hers. The reason I wanted one? I just idolize her. I still do. The fact that she let me 'copy' her style back then didn't bother her but rather she acknowledged my idolization towards her which meant so much to me. Mr Jeremy Tan, my math tuition teacher back in primary 6 bought me bubble tea whenever he came my house for tuition. Presently, little gestures still touch my heart and I will definitely remember them few years down the road. my present math teacher, Mr Tan Yik Wei, commented casually that I am a smart girl and he's sure I'm able to do well eventually. Never in my seventeen years of my life a teacher has labelled me in the category of  'smart' but rather 'hardworking' , 'determined' or whatever synonym you could find but never 'smart' . Even though it was really a casual comment, but I've never ever felt that way about myself. It made me feel good even though deep down inside my heart I still do not think that im smart but I feel so acknowledged for being 'smart' even though I ask really stupid questions during tuition. It was just heart warming. Unknowingly, I started feeling more confident about myself and my ego definitely boast and I really felt better about myself ever since then. I started complaining lesser about being so stupid and being a slow learner but rather, ' I got this in the bag, I can do this, im Victoria. '

We may not know how our little gestures may affect other's life, but I would definitely try to make someone's day when I can.

Which brings me to my next point, Aaron.
I know many have questioned why im with him cause we have been fighting like two fighting fish being put in a tank. I am a very firm believer in astrology. I've read up on Cancer and Aries' compatibility, and we are definitely the very opposite of each other and we have a lot of differences between each other and those differences are in our personalities which cannot be changed. So why am I still with him when I know there are going to be so much fights like these because of our conflicting personalities. The reason is very simple. Despite our differences, he still made little gestures that kept our relationship alive and burning. Of course, he is the first guy that I've ever confessed to that felt the same way for me. Yes, I confessed, but don't go all judgemental on me.
As mentioned in knight in shining armour l, when I had fallen hopelessly in love with him back then, he was in love with someone else, or apparently so. Knowing that I had no chance with him, especially after the fact that he addresses me as sis, I just went on a self-destruction mode and blurted out my feelings when we had a very big fight on the last day of a 3-day cold war between us. I knew from the moment when I confessed to him, things would end between us. Not even being friends. However, he still replied my message but didnt said much but sorry for being such a bastard and he hoped that I would reply him the next day. It's those little gestures that he have done throughout the next few days that made me trust him that he was in love with me from the very start, and the other girl is just someone that he had forced himself to like her because he thought that he couldn't get me(he explained this to me in the later part of our relationship). He sent 10 emails, one each day when im away in Japan, made the effort to include emojis in our conversations even though he wasn't a very expressive person. Even after being in the relationship, he knows that i have a very bad temper and he would let me vent my anger on him. Whenever we end up not talking to each other, he still picks up my phone call, no matter how badly we have quarrelled. He picks up macdonalds and delivers it to my house when I said I really craved for Mcnuggets with curly fries at that point of time. All this cliché things, really made me want to hold onto this relationship because i feel that there is no point in quarrelling over something that didn't matter and forgetting whatever happy memories that we've ever had.

One little thing that Aaron said to me before when I felt insecure was, 'Whatever your past is, leave it in the past. I love you for the way you are now and what happened doesn't matter anymore. ' This meant so much to me because i have done terrible things in the past, things that even I am ashamed of myself too. Things that i wished that i wouldn't have done if i had the chance to turn back time and undo them. I'm trying so hard to run away from my past but sometimes it just catches me up like seeing my ex- school mates, ex-lovers coincidentally on the streets makes me want to hide away from all of them. I still have this fear up till today, but believe me, with aaron, it's getting better. Even though he knew me from a completely different background from most of you, he is accepting of whatever bad sins that i have done and he is completely non-judgemental about it. I have never felt so accepted by someone before, for the way that I am, and not someone they want me to be. Of course, I tell him about my past but he would just listen to me rant endlessly and not making a judgement about anything that i have done. This is something that I really appreciate him doing, this small gesture of his; accepting my past.

So, be sure to make an effort to make someone's day by doing a simple gesture for others. It can be opening doors for a complete stranger, helping a friend get coffee, send a motivational message. Who knows, they will remember that moment for the rest of their lives.

As some of you may know, my boy and I have been together for half a year now. It definitely wasn't a easy journey, but we are still together, making opposite ends work and I believe still going strong.

Time goes by and things get tougher. Time and work pulls couples apart, we are of no exception.
Let me rewind a little back to Valentine's Day. We were still as sweet as ever and everything was so blissful that everything seems so surreal. We made time for each other no matter what even when I have started schooling and he is still having his holidays. Having a hectic schedule, I had to literally squeeze out time just to go down to Topshop and get him a gift. Of course, I was whinny and everything because the weather was humid and my bag was so heavy. Got his gift, and immediately went back home and crashed on my bed till the very next morning for school. I woke up feeling like shit because I didn't do my homework and the feeling's so terrible that it kind of spoilt the Valentine's day atmosphere. After school, I went to his house during the evening and waited for him to cook for me my dinner as he promised (how sweet) while he gave me my valentine's day gift in a pretty pink box. I didn't know what was inside yet because it would be rude to open presents in front of your giver, so I contained my temptations and put it aside. However, he told me to open it and there was a little voice in my head going, ' Fuck yes! ' and opened it, anticipating what lies inside this pretty box. When I saw there's a pink cardigan, I remembered how I've always told him how I wanted a pink cardigan but never really had the chance to buy one because im just a stingy person. I was so happy that I gave him a big hug and off he went to prepare my dinner.  

Honestly, he took a long, long time to cook up my dinner and I kind of dozed off a little in front of his computer. When he served me his home cooked dinner, I was so impressed of how detailed he had placed each ingredients side by side to make it look so scrumptious. There was a side of vege, nicely diced up potatoes and a grilled chicken with a few pieces of lemon laying perfectly on it. It was perfect. I'm so impressed that my boy took in all those tiny little details while on the other hand i'm just that kind of girl who would mash everything up because I feel that whatever's on the plate would go into my mouth anyway. I really need to learn how to cook! After he had sent me home, he told me there was another item that is in the box that he have given to me lying beneath the pink cardigan. I opened it again and took out the cardigan, only to find a deck of cards there. I took it out and only to find that they were the cards that I had accompanied him to buy the other day at Dhoby Ghaut because he told me he needed for a magic trick. The only difference was, the once blank cards have all been filled up. all 52 of them. I was so touched and I cried upon seeing those handwritten cards right in front of my eyes. Never in my life would I have thought that a boy would actually do all these for me. The surprise doesn't just stop here; He had uploaded a valentine's day video for me which he did overnight at Alfian, his best friend 's chalet because he wanted to spend the day with me because I was being cancelled upon the last minute. I really feel so blessed having him doing all these for me while pathetic me just bought him a jacket and wrote a pretty card for him. (dang, im useless).

After he have started school, things start to go from fairytale land to what a normal relationship would end up like; fights and quarrels. This is the point of the relationship where couples start to find little flaws about each other that they have not noticed before or just brushed it aside because they are just so happy together becomes unavoidable. His materialistic mindset and my emotion-orientated personality became a serious problem in our relationship that has led us to countless fights and tears. We can quarrel over stupid little things like how he forgets to send me monthsary texts or I hung up on his phone call without saying goodbye. We started pointing out and digging out each other's flaws and after each fight the next one is even more serious. It came to a point of time where we literally just wanted to bite each other's heads off because our conflicts can never be solved. We were so miserable and we did not know what to do because it seemed like our fights are endless. And then it hit us - there is no point trying to change the other person and argue about how much you've given in a relationship; being in a relationship is about giving. We give without expecting any returns. Yes, it seems kind of crazy but it worked for us and we started quarrelling lesser and lesser. There is no point trying to fight over things that when once we have woken up, we wouldn't even remember what we have quarrelled about. Yes, I know everyone has been there, done that. Im guilty of that as well.

We quarrelled till so badly that we were near the breaking point of no return. We wanted to give up, but deep down inside we still love each other and we would die without each other. He have definitely given compromises and I have definitely given mine. We express our love so differently for each other, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. There is no way this relationship is going to be easy because both of us are in the stage of life whereby any wrong step, and that's it for us. For me, its getting that bloody A level cert, while him, keeping up a good GPA so that he's able to enter a local university after he has served NS. Seeing how badly we have fought during the period of time where I have my SA1s and his common tests, I believe there are gonna be more breaking points, but I am not going to give up so easily because I am not going to let go something that is so dear to my heart just to pursue materliastic goals. As a 21st century teenager, we are trained to do the impossible; sleeping less than 5 hours a day, finish piles of homework by the very next day, juggle cca and studies at the same time. I don't see why I need to find the excuse to let go the only good thing in my life right now.

I love you, asshole. :)

Everyone changes. Be it physically or mentally. Its just something that is inevitable and something that will make or break a relationship.

Im with my boy for 5 months now and honestly the first 3 months was the honeymoon period, and then we got so comfortable in each other's company that we started taking each other for granted and forgotten why we fell in love with each other in the first place.

Ive indeed changed a lot throughout this period of the relationship and i hate me for what i am now. I tend to grow clingy and guys would leave me at this part of the relationship. I would be so emotional, so crazy that it got me thinking, ' is this who i was 5 months ago? '

I was such a sweet, understanding, non controlling girlfriend. Now im just some crazy girl who is overly emotional and thinks too much. This is the first time that ive love someone so much that im so afraid fhat he would leave me. Its already a dream when he loves me back for who i am.

I really want us to feel the same we did back then five months ago, but its impossible now. Too many things have changed. I guess i just have to deal with this ongoing insecurity myself and swallow it hard.

Never In my life have I been called disrespectful, not my friend's parents, not my boyfriend's parents, not my parents. You are the first to call me that.

They always say, blood is thicker than water, now I understand why. Family is always the most important in one's family, no matter what the situation is.

I really don't get why some people just think that everything and anything is about them? Are you that insecure to think that way? The world doesn't revolve around you. I may be at fault and I admit that, but you shouldn't assume the way things are and get angry about it. Why can't you just tell me straight in the face instead of asking others to translate whatever you want to say? I believe you are much wiser than me, you should know how to deal with situations like that. When you don't speak your mind and vent in on him, Im the ultimate one getting the blame from you and him. Im just a 17 year old, what do you even want from me?

And to you if you're reading this. Im not asking you to choose. I know family is more important. I know im at fault, but why is it that Im getting so heavily criticized for that one thing that I've done wrong instead of others that I've done right? Why?

I haven't been standing up for myself lately and i'll just break down and cry and cry but no one sympathizes me anyway. im just showing the whole world that I am a weak flower that would collapse when faced with difficulties. No, not anymore. From today onwards I will be a strong woman who stands by my own side no matter what. I would not shed anymore tears for anyone because no one cares and no one understands. All that everyone knows how to do is to bully me and use it against their advantage, even someone's mum. Doesn't mean I keep quiet means I have nothing to say. I have feelings too. Well obviously no one cares because everyone is just busily proving their point as to why im wrong.

When I cry, the only person that suffers is me. Why should I punish myself for things that don't matter.

Im not asking you to choose, im leaving you with no choice. Your mum needs you more than I do. I am not here to destroy family bonds. She gave you a life, grew you up. She's getting old, she needs you more than me. Without me, you don't have to choose anymore.

 " No woman, no cry. " You're definitely right.