Victoria

Some of you may know that i didn't fair well in my O levels. For the past few weeks there was so much self-hatred, deceit, negatibity inside of me that i didn't have the courage to face anyone except for a few close and dearest to my heart people. Looking back, I've given my best, and i couldn't give anymore even if i rewind time. After much reflection, i guess its just because of the wrong subject combination that i had taken, or probably the way that i've studied was wrong. I honestly felt that the burning, ferocious flame in me that kept me going for years just flickered and extinguished. It took much encouragement, comfort and support that got me back up my feet and going. I really dont know what i would do without my family and my dearest. After all, that phase of life is gone and i need to brace myself and shine. I may not burn as bright as the others now, but its not too late yet. I need to smile and push through everything. I really can't wait for the week where he officially quits his job and have the whole week with me. I've already planned every single day out on that week. Its a short post cause i dont really feel like blogging hehe, gonna blog again soon sometime this week!

I've got to be honest, right after the last o level paper i've pushed every thought about o level results and enjoyed every day of my holiday till every bit of it. Right now, i cant push it away any longer because im going to get my results tomorrow. Suddenly, there's this surge of anxiety and fear within me, plunging into every single cell of my being that makes me shiver and tremble at the thought of it. I wish i can run away from it even longer, but i know that i got to face it sooner or later. Thinking back, these four years of my education hasnt really been easy on me, it was a really tough journey indeed with many traumas that i had to face in between and the stress that i had faced throughout my secondary 4 life. Im feeling really, really stressed out now because i really have no idea what to expect for my results tomorrow. It just seem so misty, clouded. I hate not knowing how my future looks like because i absolutely hate uncertainty, especially when im so insecure all the time. I know that ive gave in my 100% for this o levels and i couldnt study even harder if i had the ability to turn back time. Those who know me, you should totally understand what im saying now. Of course, i didnt make this journey through alone. There are definitely many precious people that had helped me through my darkest times. Firstly, i would really want to thank bennett tan for being with me through most of my secondary school life. He is the one who was always there for me when i needed him, supported me through every decision that i had made even though it was stupid. Through massive heartbreaks from guys who doesnt deserve me, those j.co study sessions and spazzing over hot guys with me, receiving text messages from him asking for my well being from time to time and heartwarming words of encouragement from time to time. He is really like a big brother who looks after me through all these years and i can always count on him if i have no one else to turn to. He is so, so precious to me and he has definitely made my life much brighter with his presence around because he gives me a sense of security and rubs his positive vibes on me every single time. Secondly, my best friend charlotte. I know that both of us are very academic-priority people and we dont talk a lot. However, i always, always think about you from time to time. Whenever i felt like giving up, i will always think about the promise that i've made to you when ive gotten my secondary 1 CA1 results that day, sitting on Tanah merah platform waiting for my train to arrive. You are the reason why ive pushed myself so hard and someone whom i always idolize. Believe it or not, ive always secretly wished that i could be more like you. I really dont know how you can toerate my nonsense from primary 6 david lam dumb dumb till now, still as emotional as ever. I know you are short tempered, but do know that i love you no matter what, no matter how harsh you scream at me because i know you care. We've been through so much together, so much apart. I just wish that i could get into the same school as you and create more memorable moments with you, together like how we've planned 4 years ago. I didnt know how strong our friendship was till it was being put to test by separating us to different secondary schools. It is no coincidence why we had lasted till now. No one understand me like you do, and you will never ever judge me no matter how ridiculous i am. Charlotte, i would never ever forget the promise that ive made with you, every single one of them. We still have yet to go overseas together with kaising when we are older. I just want to tell you that im very remorseful that ive let you down if i dont get the results to go to the same jc as you. You have no idea how guilty i will feel. Nonetheless, you will still forever be my best friend no matter the results. I love you. Like ive said, if u get more than 10, i will let you sit on my head for as long as you like. :) Thirdly, you should know who you are. Thankyou for giving me so much confidence in myself over the past one year. No one has ever told me that im beautiful and had realized how different i am from other girls. Thankyou for being there for me, through my tears, my tantrum during the o level period. Thankyou for believing in me no matter what. Thankyou, for being there for me everyday, everytime when i needed you. Thankyou for not persuading me to drop to combine science like how everyone else did because you know how much i love physics. Thankyou for seeing through my worst and supporting me after prelims when you know ive done badly for it. It was definitely a wake up call for me. I know the way i study during the Pre-Os post prelim period is really scary, but you never failed to cool me down after my emotional break downs from time to time and keep assuring me with words like ' Im sure you will do well, look at you, you are so hardworking. ' I would always shoot you back with ' hardworking doesnt get you anywhere ', but today, i wouldnt. I've always admired how you managed to stay positive even though you almost got retained in sec 3 and bloomed in sec 4 and never gave up. You are definitely someone i should look up and learn from, because ive never met someone so bubbly as you who stayed so calm through the tough times. I know ive always taken you for granted, but i guess we just arent meant to be because ive always look as you as my brother and nothing more. I am sorry for all the hurt that ive caused you that made you behaved so desperately. I just want you to know, without you, i wouldnt know what to do without you and i wouldnt be who i am know it werent for you. You've guided me through my sec 4 life and i couldnt be more thankful. If you didnt came into my life, i would still be that quiet, shy, shut-everyone-out girl who sees the world as nothing but full of betrayal and hurt. I really appreciate all those words of encourgement and how you always believed that my future seems so bright to you. You opened up my world and let me see things that i didnt see in myself before, be it illusional or not, it had definitely made me feel better about myself. You are a very smart boy, dont deny it anymore okay. All the best for tomorrow. Im sure you will be smiling as usual, like the cheerful boy u are! Fourth, all my teachers who had taught me and had consultations with namely Mdm Wan, Ms Yang, Mrs Chia, Mrs Chan, Mr Mubarak, Mr Lim wm, Mdm yeo, Mdm sabina, Mr choy. And of course those teachers that had helped me with consultations after school even though im not their student especially Miss Yam and Ms Yang. Mdm Wan, thankyou for always encouraging me and telling me how to perfect my english and improve my word to perfection. Although you didnt have much time for me cause you have many students, but you are always like a mother to me and a great teacher that made me want to give my best and not to lose up in English even though im not very strong in it. Mrs Chan, for being the mother towards me. I still get chills in my nerves whenever you caught me by surprise by asking me questions in chemistry lab. I know ive always hated chemistry and you had tried your best to help me, even at the very last minute which u absoutely hate. Choy, for always being so concerned for my maths and teaching me tough love. Thankyou for always asking me about my maths after every lesson and always giving extra remedial just to help me. I still remembered you using your lunch break going through my TYS while eating your noodle beside me. Haha! Mdm sabina! For not giving up on me when i went to her at the last minute. Ive got to be honest, i didnt really liked her but i kind of grew fonder of her after millions of consultations with her and she didnt even mmind me taking up her slots. Without her, i think my lit would just end up in crash and burn. &, thankyou for the comfort message at night when i thought i didnt answer the question for my Os. To know that i didnt really calmed me down for my remaining papers. Miss yam, even though im not your student, you still welcome me with open house and gave in your best and attention for me to brush up my social studies. I still remember the first time i apprached you was during night studies when i didnt get how to do usefulness question. I guess somehow your friendliness made me want to have a teacher like you! Weiming, for always choosing your words when you are talking to me cause you know im sensitive. I can never ever have any cooler econs teacher than you! :) Thankyou for taking the time for marking each and every one of my econs essays which i think may have accumulated to at least 20 during that one month. I just wish that i had approached you earlier. I was so scared of you cause you seemed so hostile. Just really glad that i got to know you better in the last month of my time as a sec 4. I have so many, many reasons to be thankful because i have so many precious people that have helped me through not forgetting my tuition teachers miss kerk and mrs quekie, my mother who always told me she loves and be proud of me no matter what result that i get and my dad for being so confident in me. So, i'll just cross my fingers, and hope for the best tomorrow. I just know that ive given my very very best and i have nothing to regret. I will get the desirable results that i want for my o levels, because i deserve it and it will be tears of joy tomorrow. #thesecret xoxo ciao! :)

Soon after, I had to go on my vacation to Japan for 8 days. Of course, i wouldnt bear to leave him cause things had just started getting better with him. For the first two days in Japan, i didnt have wifi connection because i was on the plane and i was too exhausted to go to the lobby to connect to it. When i finally got the chance to connect to wifi, there were millions of watsapp messages and emails that flooded me. Upon seeing his two emails among the sea of emails that i had received, i couldnt help but put up a big smile like a complete dork. As i was seated facing th glass panel of the cafe, i had a couple of stares from the passers-by walking down the streets. I enjoyed my toasted hot dog bun and a cup of orange juice as I read and re-read the email that he had sent to me. I felt so loved because those emails were gestures of him that showed his love and care for me. Even though we had a small fight on the second night of my trip, we looked past it because we missed each other too much to make a fuss about things that didnt matter. My mind was completely flooded with thoughts about him everywhere i went. When i was at Akihabara, a place where all anime based stuff and technology stuff were being sold there, I immediately thought of sim lim sqaure where he is working at and how tired he must be working. I had been constantly looking at photos of him whenever i was on the train or restaurant. I didnt realize that our love for each other was so strong till i was away from him. For those 8 days, i felt that there was something missing from my life. Ive been looking forward to this Japan trip for 4 years and im exhilarated to finally be there. However, part of my heart felt like there's something missing. It just felt like i couldnt share the happiness with the person who places most in my heart. It would have been so much better with him around. Maybe because of all the wishing that he was there with me, i saw several people that looked like him walking down the streets. For a moment or two, i really thought that he was really there in Japan and my heart literally skipped a beat. Of course, they were just look alikes of him, or maybe im picturing him being there for too long. He had sent me 9 emails during my trips and all of them are heart warming and made me feel secure because it reassured me that he was thinking about me as well too. When i had gotten back to singapore, he came to the airport and fetched me. There was a sudden burst of euphora in me when i saw him standing at coffee bean in his skin tight jeans and his hoodie. Everything felt so surreal because i havent seen him in awhile. I just felt glad that im finally able to see him after such a long time because if i had to wait another day, i think i might just drop dead because of love sickness. I so wanted to gave him a big tight hug upon seeing him, but i was too shy to even talk to him. Even though we were not together yet, he dragged my luggage for me around as we went to terminal 1 viewing gallery where i used to study there for my Pre-O days. We had small but meaningful talk that brought us even closer together. After that, he sent me back to my house and rode his 'camel' back home. I pretty much felt like a princess that day because im being escorted around. Hehe. On the 9th of December night, he randomly asked me to be his girlfriend. At first I wasn’t very sure as there were a lot of things to take into consideration. Honestly, ive been thinking about it throughout my trip in Japan for the answer to the question and I couldn’t come up with a conclusion. My head is screaming at me that it’s a dead end but my heart feels so strongly about him. He is so perfect, and all that I could ever ask or want in a boyfriend. I’ve been dying to make him mine but the fear or uncertainty kept me from giving him an answer. Ive thought about it the whole night and I finally gave in to my heart because I know that I would definitely regret letting him go just because im afraid to face my fears. On the 12th of December, we decided to go out since it was his off day. Given that we had met in the zoo, we had decided to go there to recollect memories. This time round, I had to take the bus because I didn’t have the priviledge of being in a car. We met each other at tampines mrt in the early morning and made our way to AMK. That day, he had wore his grey shirt which had an adorable teddy bear holding up a letter B imprinted on his left pocket and striking red pants. He looked as charming as ever like the very first day that I had seen him. We made a racket on the MRT and on the bus to the zoo as we couldn’t stop giggling and teasing each other. I could totally feel the stares of others but I didn’t mind because im completely lost in time and absorbed into the world of ours. He was so adorable when he got annoyed as he wanted to take a picture of the red panda that was constantly running around on a tree branch. He had repeatedly told me that he had given up trying to get a nice photo of the red panda but when it comes around, he immediately took out his phone and tried again. What a cutie pie. During our second time in the zoo together, we had seen things that we didn’t get to see like the pandas, kangaroo, and for me, monkeys having coitus. Hahahaha! Being playful, he constantly wanted to disturb me by pulling a really thick leaf and releasing it infront of my face, hitting my nose as well as pushing me towards a really long vine infront of the hippo exhibit. What I had found interesting was that when we are in one of the exhibits that we had went before for the first time, we saw the ducks which were supposed to be in the pond jumping out and onto the bridge, following us around wherever we went. We also saw this big ass blue bird that looked pretty fierce that was walking around on the pavement. No wait, not only one, but 3 of them. At one of time, we were surrounded by the three of them, with one of them infront of us and two behind us. We were scared shitless. We walked up the stairs and got to a place where there were filled with butterflies and bats flying around in the open. When a butterfly was close to us, he literally hid behind me and I couldn’t help but to laugh at his cowardice. Its amusing how a strong, big muscular guy like him can be scared of such a harmless, beautiful creature. After walking out of the enclosure, he hid at a corner and tried to scare me but failed miserably when I caught him doing so from a gap in between the walls that he was hiding. We found the snake exhibit the most disgusting one as the skin of the snake that it had shed gave us goose bumps. It was so scaly and dry. Around lunch time, the dark clouds started rolling in and we made our way to KFC to have our lunch. It started pouring soon after we’ve gotten our food. As we were sitting outside, the rain was being blown into our direction and there were droplets of rain all over our faces and body. However, he remained unaffected by the rain and continued staring into blank space while his face was completely wet from the rain. How weird. Later in the day, we went to the rainforest show which he was being called up the last time. Coincidentally, the guy who was being called up wore red as well like him the first time he went there. We giggled and he swore that he will never ever wear a red shirt to the zoo again. The last exhibit that we went was the baboons and we sat there for quite some time looking at them having a fun time with each other, if you know what I mean. We went back during the evening and took a long bus ride to tampines interchange from AMK. I rested my head on his arms as he put his hands across my shoulders. I dozed off after a minute or so and soon woken up by naughty him. We spent the rest of the bus ride poking each other and kidnapping each other’s phones. Even though it was a tiring day, it was definitely a day to remember because it had brought back a lot of memories and it was our first date together. I began sending him to work for a few mornings and having dinner with him when I’ve gotten a chance to every now and then. Even though we cant meet each other frequently, those mornings and nights are sufficient enough to make my day so much better. No love story could be fully understood by others but the two parties themselves. It may be a different perspective from his point of view but im just glad that I’ve finally found someone that makes me go heads over heels over him, something that a guy isn’t capable of doing to me for quite awhile now. We are definitely heading to different paths next year after O levels, but what I truly believe is that no matter what, we will definitely get through obstacles to our relationship together. He, is truly a keeper.

There he stood, wearing a deep V neck striking red shirt with a dark grey bermudas in contrast. His hand was carrying a DSLR camera with a black bag strapped across his torso. The sun rays fell on his beautifully spiked up hair and his tanned skin which made him glowed a little. The moment i had laid my eyes on him, my heart skipped a little. Something about him just seemed to attract me to him. I dont know why, but i had this warm, fuzzly feeling inside me that somehow knew he was going to become part of my life. I didnt believe in love at first sight, but i had definitely felt something back then. However, i shot the ridiculous idea because i thought that guys like him would definitely be unavaliable already and that i wouldnt stand a chance. I could vividy recall that i was admiring his rather muscular physique, his every gesture. Every fine detail from the side view of him had been imprinted on my mind even till this very day. I remembered how dashing and calm he was when was being called up to the stage during a performance and how he hid in a corner to eat his lunch when everyone else sat in a circle. I really hoped and wished that he would approach me and talk to me, but my hopes were dashed when i had to go home earlier because my brother had to go for lessons in the evening. From that day on, i counted on luck and fate for me to ever see him again, but i didnt get my hopes up because i knew that the chances were slim. When my o levels was coming to a near end, my mum told me that aaron's company is looking for people to work for SITEX. I subconsciously took up the job for me to have an excuse to talk to him. I didnt know how to start a conversation, but i finally gathered up my courage and sent a rather stupid ' Hi ! :D ' knowing very well that he doesnt even have my number. I literally wanted to punch myself in the face so bad because that was a really bad conversation starter. Surprsingly, he didnt seem so hostile that i thought he would be. I asked him for his twitter and started following him to get to know him better. That seemed like the end of our conversation like for eternity. He started responding to my tweets and we started talking and got kinda close. Perhaps he isnt that unfriendly that i thought he might be.We started to text into late nights and flooded each other's inbox like no one's business. When i felt that i was on cloud 9 talking to the guy of my dreams, everything came crashing down when i started seeing tweets dedicated to another girl and that he was in love with someone more beautiful and sweet girl at his work place. Reality had hit me hard, on my face. The disappointment was just too overwhelming that i decided to stop talking to him before the hurt manifests itself. Being realistic, i reminded myself that he was never meant to be mine and that he is way out of my league so i didnt have a reason to get hurt, or perhaps a reasonable one. I started playing the angel and tried getting him to talk to the girl and gave him a listening ear when he needed. I gave him moral support and courage till he finally started having smooth conversations with her. Predictably, he didnt text me for a few days but i knew what was coming. I swallowed this empty feeling of isolation and told myself to move on. Things didnt go as it was planned, and he came running back to me when the girl started ignoring his text messages. I knew its gonna hurt but i did the right thing to stay by his side. I had to go to a training session a few days before SITEX at his shop in sim lim. I arrived at sim lim a few minutes before eight, the desinated time of the training and took a glimpses at him. My heart immediately accelerated when i saw him sitting there with his dark grey hoodie and his reddish hair looking cool and all. I literally melted. During the training, i couldnt help but to look at him, only to realize that he has been texting the whole hour during the training which of course should be to her. His eyes were fixated to his phone, being so engrossed in texting her. I rolled my eyes and continued hearing Kevin's instructions. During the first day at SITEX, i was secretly wishing that he would make a random appearance after a long day at work, lifting my spirits. Immediately, i received a text from him saying ' i coming to find u later :p '. That text message immediately plastered a big wide smile across my face and i began to drag customers, running here and there like i had infinite energy. At night, he appeared with a fitting black suit and a hot pink shirt inside him that showed off his body shape. I striked a small conversation with him but it was too awkward to be sustained. However, it was enough to make my day so much better. It didnt take long before he made me angry for talking about the other girl endlessly. I dont usually get furious easily but it had been a long day and i guess i just i didnt want anything else to make my day any worse. I ignored his text that night. He came to SITEX the second day as well and the first thing he said to me was ' why you never reply my text ' and stared right into my eyes. I stared right back into his and replied ' cannot ah? ' He smiled and moved his head closer to mine. It was a moment of pure happiness. After that, he went to disturb others by pretending to be some interested customers and tricked my friend into explaining to him. What a playful guy. He showed some magic tricks during the near end of the day and he was the centre of attention with everyone crowding around him. I was giggling in one corner, admiring how charismatic he was. I checked my phone when i ended my work, only to realize that he texted me that he was over that girl. I didnt want to rain on other people's parade, but my inner goddess was beaming but sympathetic. I spent hours comforting him. Perhaps due to extreme fatigue, i finally had the last straw and scolded im ignorant for not being able to see who truly deserves him and that he had never noticed me after for so long and that i was playing the good guy expecting nothing in return all along. I told him how i felt about him and told him not to reply because i know very well that i cannot take rejections very well and it would be really awkward if we continued being friends. When i had woke up the next morning, he sent back a long message which i couldnt bring myself to read and decided to ignore it. I thought he wouldnt come after what we've through that night. In the end, he decided to come anyway. I could see him from the corners of my eyes, moving all around. When im done with my last customer, he came and asked me whats wrong. I dont know why, but at that moment, there was this surge of anxiety that made me walked straight past him when he had approached me. Maybe it was because i wasnt brave enough to face my fears that i thought that running away everything would just disappear. We had to stack up the leftover stocks and he helped out. I left early at around 11.30pm when he was still busy stacking up. Being persistent, he persuaded me to have things talk things through. Knowing that i had nothing to lose, i decided to had a talk with him. We talked till 3am and finally sorted out everything. He told me that we could have a fresh start to get to know each other, this time round without the girl in between us. I knew that i couldnt push or deny this love anymore and decided to go with it, even though skeptical things would work out, i knew very well deep in my heart, it will cause me even more heartache living through a day without talking to him. To be continued!

I cant believe that im so neglected by my parents. Okay, maybe neglected is too much of that intensity. I just feel that im always being unappreciated by them. My brother had gotten 240 for his psle results while i had 235. He had received showers of praises and expensive gifts from each of my family members. When i mean each i really mean each. My aunt gave him 200 dollars, my dad bought him a big ass punching bag and a set of boxing gloves which i believe it could just easily cost over 500. My grandma gave him some money as well and my mum bought him a feast/buffet. So what did i get when i had scored 5 points lower than him? nothing. Not even praises. The first reaction when i told my mum that i had gotten 235 was ' oh, so what school do you wanna go?' Its really saddening that i can never be good enough for them in their eyes. Like never. They didnt even paid attention to me when i had gotten my first trophy for poetry recitation in primary 2. They didnt even know i was chosen to be a school prefect. They paid no attention when i had gotten 2nd in class in primary 5. They didnt even know what was going on in my secondary school life then. They didnt even cared what results that i get, they didnt even know i managed to get 8th in class in the first semester of sec 4 and worse of all, they dont even know im a freaking exco of class managers and i designed my class tee/cm tee by myself for everyone. They are never proud of what i do because they feel that its just expected of me. Im proud of myself even though some are minor because i worked hard for it. These things dont just fly to me. I have to earn them. If im not proud of myself, who would? I bet they they wouldnt even give a fuck if im the top scorer in O levels. Im not born smart. They jolly well should know given the fact that i almost failed math in primary 2 when everyone was getting 80,90. I was never bright. Ive gotten to the last 5s class in primary school because of my math. Ive got promoted up and stayed in a 5s because ive got 75 for both english and chinese. Do they even know how difficult it is for me to produce results? During my PSLE year, i clearly remembered that i literally brought 5 math papers to do during the trip to china. On the plane,, in the hotel at night, anytime possible. I slipped into depression because results arent showing and that i was still failing math. Others were just mediocre. Same goes to my secondary school results. It has always been mediocre. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I DIDNT STUDY. I DIDNT WORK HARD. I DID. Whatever i do isnt by chance, by intelligence or by luck. I make things happen by myself, my tears and sweat. All i ever needed was your acknowledgement or at least give a fuck about what i do in school. If you can do that to my brother, why cant you spare some thought for me too? Next thing, i really dont understand the definition of thin. Whenever someone says a girl is thin, all i look at are just bones and nothing else. I guess everyone's definition is pretty much the same. Thin: underweight. I feel like a freaking laughing stock whenever i stand next to him. I can hear the voices inside me constantly telling me ' what are you thinking siok? his friends would totally laugh at you for being such a fat, ugly pig. who are you to think that yu deserve him?' All those mockings inside my head seemes so real that im starting to believe in it. I feel so embarrassed telling others that he is my boyfriend because they would just go like ' him? you serious? what the hell does he ever see in you? ' Even if they dont say it to my face, they would just look at me top to toe and give me a sly smile and judge me in their hearts. I know everyone's gonna say look arent all that matters to cover it up. BUT LOOKS BLOODY MEANS A LOT TO ME. Dont tell me you dont care about looks because everyone does have a certain standard of the other half. Looks is what builds up a person's confidence. I know it definitely builds up mine. Everytime when i look myself in the mirror, i would feel so disgusted and self hatred would start to grow within me and course through every fibre of my body. Its that contagious. I will never feel that im good enough for him unless im super model thin. Of course im not gonna sit here and whine. I can do that for all i want. Im gonna do whatever it takes even if it means being anorexic to be what he deserves because i just love him too much and couldnt bear to see him get laughed at for having such an obese girlfriend.

So today i had to go to the doctor to get my eye checked and i was feeling a little unwilling to spend the day at home with my mum just to get something so subtle checked. The stye on my eye has been there for months, even before O level had commenced. Stupidly, i kept thinking that the stye woud somehow go away after awhile. Sadly, it didnt and it got even worse. When i was at the clinc, the doctor told me that i had to go through a minor surgery to get it removed. I was flabbergasted and burst into tears because im really afraid of pain. I had called several people to get encouragements and even persuasion to go through with it. If i didnt remove it now, it woud solidify and it would turn into a major operation on the eye. I would be lying if i said that it didnt hurt, it does. It felt like your whole eyeball is gonna be dugged out and fall off. There's this sharp pain lingering in my eye after the surgery. However, im really glad that i managed to find the courage to do it. Before the surgery, my mum and i werent on good terms cause i always felt that she has been venting anger on me becaue she couldnt control my brother. Worst of all, i didnt tel how i felt and the problem persisted on. It not her fault that she vent her anger on me unwillingly, but me for keeping quiet. Like my title of this post, communication is what brought us together. We sat at the waiting area, waiting for our turn and the surgery and had a heart to heart talk that we hadnt have for many years. Ive realized that i disliked her so much because i didnt understand where she is coming from and all the hard work that she has to do to tame my brother because i wasnt aroud at home. I only cared about how i felt and what seemed wrong to me. I feel so guilty for not being able to understand her and kept digging out past wrongdoings of her to strengthen my point of view. Really glad to have my eye stye removed and having to clear the tesion between my mum and I. love her so much.

There's been something that had been that have been sticking onto my mind and no matter how hard i try, i just cant seem to shake it off. Jealousy is a very strong word. I thought that i will never succumb to those feelings, especially in a relationship. Jealousy is for the weak, and im afraid im turning into one weakling. I really hate mentioning the past because i know it doesnt matter anymore. I really dont see the point remembering the things that make you upset till you reduce to self hatred and all those painful emotions that no one ever wants to experience. This probably explains why i always tell everyone to keep secrets to themselves, the reason why i dont have any sad songs in my phone and dont watch melancholy dramas or movies. However, with him, the past just seems inevitable. I told him that i didnt want to know anything or whoever that had been with him because i know i will take it very hard. I believed that ignorance was a bliss. Ive tried to rule out curiosity because it had killed me many times over the past 2 years. Somehow, those information that ive been trying so difficult to avoid started unfolding infront of my eyes as we've gotten closer. I knew that once ive known bits and pieces of it, im gonna piece everything together and it will serve as a blow to me. I like to be the best in everything, or probably just think that i am because its my confidence that keeps me together and the strong driving force to excel in anything. If its lost, i'll be nothing. Nothing at all. I hate to run away from my problems, yet i dont have the courage to face them as well. After knowing things about his ex, ive never felt so inferior, so lost. Its like everything that i do will never be as good as them. He'll tell me things that im the best and im how amazing i am. However, i'll just think that he might have told all these to others as well before and that im really nothing that special. Sometimes, i secretly wish that im prettier, skinnier, smarter. If i was, i wouldnt have all these self esteem issues. Of course every girl has them but believe me I care about my image so much, more than anything else and i guess this just magnifies my self esteem issues. She's prettier than me, she has such a melodious voice, she is so charismatic, she is so lady like, she is smarter than me, she is skinnier than me. She is everything that i am not. I dont understand why i have to be so indifferent from others. Im so insecure that i hate myself so much for being so whinny all the time. I wish i can slap myself or something and do something about it instead of dwelling over it. SO, after this post, i will not dwell about it anymore and move on once and for all.

Sometimes, i really cant understand why some people are just so stubborn. I really hate it when people just listen to their own perspective and not others and just completely shut off what everyone else has to say. Your perspective isnt always the right or the best one. Sometimes you might even be wrong but you simply refuse to listen. Im not saying that my opinion is better or anything but cant you just stop and think through and not be so rash? I really hate it. Firstly, im a very righteous person. I do what i feel is right. Of course, i will think through before i act on my emotions. I really hate it when you always act on your emotions even before thinking through the consequences or any alternative. Worse of all, you just completely shut me off and only listen to yourself. Can't you see that you're very rash? I just cannot stand it sometimes. You let your emotions take control over you over important matters regarding your best friend, your sister and even me. Ive said a million times before, your best friend isnt perfect. You've known him for so long and just because a small matter that ticks you off you put your friendship with him for many years. Dont you think you're oh so mr perfect because you're not. Everyone has flaws and your flaws probably makes him mad too but he doesnt harp on him because he is understanding. You never know. Dont go all like ' I reallty never make him angry before'. Oh really? for 11 years? Just hear yourself out. As for me, you didnt even gave me a chance to explain myself. I could've just hide it from you and not tell you anything what im gonna do when i touch down in singapore. But no, i told you. How did you react from that? Got angry at me. ANGRY. Even though i assumed that you still liked the girl, i didnt get ANGRY at you. I DIDNT. Maybe its partly my fault for telling you that. It may be my fault for everything else. But i just hope that you can open your mind and not be so stubborn. You have no idea how you can hurt people unknowingly with your ignorance.

I dont understand why im always being used and stomped all over and being left behind when they dont need me anymore. You tell me that your friends didnt ask you out because they have each other, dont you do that to me too after consultations? Same goes to you. Once you've gotten your girl, what am i to you? Everyone just come and go whenever they like into my life. Im a pretty sentimental person and i will form deep emotional connection with everyone that ive meet. When its being formed and they suddenly just decided to leave, i feel so parched. People do that so often that i sometimes feel that im inhumane to them, that im a lifeless creature taking form in a human's body. I have feelings too, and i really dont like it. Im never the most important in anyone's lives. Maybe thats the reason why i like to force myself to think that everything is just temporary, and shut everyone out because its easier that way. However, it gets pretty lonely too but its better than being faced with disappointments everyday. Perhaps i shall stop being so nice to everyone because everyone takes it for granted. Im tired of being pushed around and be the person to look for as a substitute. Sure, i can put up a fake front in front of you because im tolerant, i just dont know how long i can hold it back in. This unsettling, disturbing feeling just keeps haunting me every single day. I should have never been amiable, perhaps i can save myself from such forms of heartache. I always think whats the best for others but never for myself, i just cant bear to make those people around me unhappy. I gusss i have to distant myself from them for awhile before i can move on with my life. Hmm. Till then!

Useless is a word to describe me. Im often being described as a weakling because i cannot seem to live without the support from others. Whenever im faced with problems, i tend to explode into tears because i dont know what to do. I will feel so frightened, like battling those problems alone. And thats when i turn to bennett, who will unconsciously make me smile again without even trying. He seems to understand every kind of mood that im in and knows how to soothe me. He's like an older brother who never fails to take care of a younger sister like me who would crumble without his support. I cant be more thankful to have met such a great friend like him. All those crazy chases around parkway, emotional drama of guys, academic problems, even when im at my worst. He's someone who has stuck with me through thick and thin and doeant judge me no matter how ridiculous my ideas or thoughts were. Even though he is always busy with everything else, he always makes time for me to talk to me to make me feel better. He's also my source of inspiration to strive for the impossible such as going into temasek junior college with him because he believed in me. Yes, i take every single word of his very seriously because ive always looked up to him as a role model. I really wouldnt know how life would be like without him, and its scary if one day god decides to take him away from me, what would i do? I feel that im such a heavy burden for bennett to bear because im so over reliant, but he never showed signs of irritation. I feel so annoying and i really wish that i can be strong enough to face my problems myself. Ive hesitated to call him once or twice because i know i'll be disturbing him, but gave in and called because of my ragging emotions from within that i just couldnt take it anymore. Bennett, if you are reading this, im sorry for being such a pest these few years, and i know that i havent been there for you when you need me because i dont think you do anyway. But thankyou, for everything that you've sacrificed for me like your sleep with our late night calls and your time. You're such a great friend.

3 more days till the end of Os. I really cant wait! I always feel so crappy whenever i see people posting up pictures of them playing on instagram or working when im like stuck with 3 more days of Os. I mean come on! I want this hell to be done and over with! Anyway, its the 4th day of my diet today and wow to be honest ive never stick with it for more than 2 days. #achievementunlocked Hope i will lose those extra weight and look nice in my prom dress. Ultimately its to leave those people who kept calling me fat nothing left to say. So wait you bastards. Recently, i've just realized that people fall into different hierachy in the society. People from different categories just dont get along because their way of life and their thoughts are completely different. Sometimes i dont feel that i fit in during physics tuition because everyone there are so smart and their presence always remind me of how i can never match up to them. Same goes for my bestie who is just smart and whatever i say just makes me look dumb in front of her. On the other hand, i can never understand how some people just like to throw their lives away by playing everyday. I really hate people who dont take charge of their own lives or at least try and all they can ever think of is to play. Yes i can be tolerant to some extend but once you step over the line by forcing me to play along with you and disregard my priority you are ruled out of my life. I will not hesitate to cut you off from my life because thats for the best for me. Im not being selfish, i just know my priorities. On top of that, i really hate idiots who bore me with their endless talking which i dont give a flying fish AND giving me a cold shoulder. Please, look at yourself before stepping over the line. I have to be tolerant of your incessant talking about stuffs which bore me to death and pretend that i actually care to be nice and all you do is to give me attitude? Oh what a child's play. I have no interest in keeping you in my life in the long term anyway. Shall save my energy for more important stuff. Totally not worth it. *yawns* Godness im becoming more and more bitchy. I shall stop with my rants. Till then!