Victoria

Just had my dinner with my family. It has been a long time ever since we've had a meal as a family. We headed down to some coffee shop and ordered a few dishes and ate. It wasn't anything fancy, but it definitely had brought back many, many memories about the past.

I came to know about my family's financial status when I'm always being turned down from buying souvenirs at events and eating out at coffee shops while other families get to eat out at an actual restaurant and living a fanciful life. I'm constantly jealous of what others have and I don't. Honestly, I did grumble a lot about how my family is not as fortunate as others and how I wished my childhood is just like my peers with stories to talk about and memories to look back at.

I've always had a dream; to be treated like a princess and lead a fancy life. Every single day ive always thought to myself how life would be like if Im rich. I would also like to pretend that im a princess by wearing dresses and address myself as princess yap when I was young. Till this very day, I've never stopped fantasizing about how I would live in a big house with invitations to parties every day. I don't know why I want to make each and everyday so special and fun, maybe its because I want to fill up those unfulfilled desires from my childhood that I never got to have.

I think that god has heard my desperate cry for the past 17 years of my life and finally gave me a boy that treats me right; and not just right - like a royalty. Of course im not talking about asking him to carry all of my stuffs wherever we go and wear my shoe for me that kind of extent, but those little gestures that actually makes me feel appreciated, and loved. Sure he can be a little annoying at times(who doesn't) and pretty much have a temper of a three year old, but he definitely knows how to make me feel special. How? What kind of boy would run down in the pouring rain and get me a meal from macdonalds just because I haven't ate my dinner in the middle of the night, answer my phone at 3am in the morning only to get shouted at just because I was frustrated but forgave me the very nexr day, writes 52 reasons why he loves me on poker cards and flim a video overnight for his love for valentine's, carry my bag for me when im feeling like a lazy pig, pays for my expenses, drops cheesy lines each and everyday just to put a smile on my face, sends me home everytime we go out without hesitant? Im feeling like a princess living her dream of having her prince charming by her side.

Now back to my point, the only thing that its left unfulfilled is having a fancy life. I guess this is where I get my motivation for working so hard; I refuse to settle for anything lesser than a fancy life and I will not stop until I get to my goal. I love having a room that is designed by myself, eating out at restaurants, going to concerts, parties, social events, anything that makes my life seems so special.

I love my family for everything; for giving my protection, for giving me love and care, for teaching me from right and wrong and the adequate freedom that I need as a 17 year old, but I cant help but to dream bigger, want more.

Maybe im just a weird, ambitious girl after all.
I just wish my life can be more eventful.

After that night, I feel like we are drifting apart.
We are always fine whenever we meet up with each other, but when we part, you suddenly just become a changed person.

You used to send me smiley faces in so many messages in a day. Now, I don't even get any. You've became so cold, so hostile. I feel so distant from you. You don't usually use 'lol' , but nowadays you just use it more and more. Its a cold, conversation killer. I've told you not to use the word but you ignored me. You used to send me pictures at night, any random pictures. Pictures of you, pictures of food... now you just barely replying what ive sent.

Your twitter used to be full of our pictures as your display pic, now its just a picture of you. You don't tweet about how happy you are with me anymore, you dont call me 'my girl' anymore. Even when we text, you dont call me baby like how you used to anymore... why?

I don't blame you. Im the cause for this downfall in our love. No one can ever stand me, that's why all my relationships don't lasts. People get tired of me and will leave me eventually. Don't say it wont happen, cause I've felt all those hurt before, people get tired, people say things changed and pack their bags and go leaving me scarred for life.

Im trying so hard to stay positive, but you're making it so hard. But then again, im not blaming you. Blame me for being a person who doesn't know how to cherish you before you're gone. I've tested my luck and left you over and over again without considering about your feelings. Its karma, coming back at me twice as hard.

I know this relationship is coming to an end soon, just a matter of time before you realize someone else out there can offer you something better. I just have to bite my teeth and hold my tears as I watch you leave because no matter what desperate thing I would do to win you back, you will never come back to me anymore. Yes, im pathetic. Its what I am my whole life.

I've destroyed a perfect relationship with my soul mate. Even he doesn't want me anymore. I don't want to tell you my problems because all you ever do is to argue why you behave in a certain way and im wrong. It hurts so bad, but I cant tell you because we would just break up because we fought. Im trying to hold onto you as long as possible even though its coming to an end, because im bound to be alone.

Just living my pathetic life, walk away and dont look back because you dont deserve to be with such an ass.

Your tweets arent even for me anymore. When ive changed your profile pic, you get so mad, i didnt even know what i did wrong. I thought it was a cute couple thing to do to hack into each other's account and change their profile pic but all you ever feel was angry... it hurts so much... i've promised you that i will not quarrel with you anymore, and im trying so hard, yet you are the one giving up on us. It really hurts. Just because i didnt said goodnight you wanted to pick a fight at me... i dont know why, but these few days i feel that you're just gonna leave me anytime soon, and you dont want to break up with me because you dont want to hurt my feelings. Of course, who would want a sobby, cry baby girlfriend who doesnt even know how to take care of herself. Your messages used to be so cheery and full og smiley faces. Now i dont even get any. Im breaking into pieces. Why is it hurting so much...

I probably dont deserve to be with you... but im trying my best to keep you by my side... you dont want to take pictures with me anymore like how we used to spam on my phone. I want the old you back... ),: fucking hurts...

So lost, so desperate.

Its painful. I dont know what im doing anymore.

Its so painful to swallow my pride. I've never did that for anyone, ever.

Yes i dont like it when you go you go out late at night. Especially right after you've spent the entire day with me. Makes me feel like a spare tyre. Especially when u kinda never reply my msgs...

But if i ever said anything, you'll be mad. Its not worth it. I love you.

Im such a useless girlfriend.

Im broken.
Help.

This is what im afraid of; you getting tired of me. It always happens in between the 5th/6th month of a relationship and its always the turning point where how much you really love someone is being put to the test.

Its 12.00am on the 5th month, and you didnt wish me like how you would. Okay, i can overlook that; its nothing, we're going to be stuck together for the rest of our lives so i guess it doesnt matter. It hurts, but i get it.

Im as insecure as you. Remembered how that guy dumped me because he got tired of me, got so annoyed with me? Yeah, i remembered those feelings.

You just reminded me why i shoud be single for the rest od my life, because i suck at relationships, because i hold onto every single detail too firmly and i take these shit too seriously.

We've been through several relationships before we met each other. Both of us know exactly how it feels to be abandoned.

Ive never loved myself, and i dont see any reason to. I tried to dig out any plausible reasons but nope god forbids because im just so not special.

I get insecure when you talk to other girls, i just do. I mind, but im not saying u cant. Its my own issues that i have to deal with, but you dont just assume that im mad and that im trying to start a fight...

Life is so sucky now, and our relationship is going downhill. I dont feel that you love me as much as before.

Maybe its just me; blame it on me for being such a boring person. If you ever leave, i'd understand.

We started off as strangers, and we got close when it was the holiday period. Now that we both have a life to live, apart from each other, i think the purpose of us being together just died... from such a sweet and beautiful thing to becoming a burden in our lives. Our lives will not cross each other's paths from now onwards and never will till we get married. I just cant bear to feel so insignificant in your life... so useless. I really feel that the gap is getting wider and wider as each day passes by and it really sucks cause im sure thats not what we want. Im so lost, without direction. I cant feel your love, im tearing apart. I didnt know its gonna be such a tough journey. we have been fighting everyday ever since you have started school and i honestly dont know why. Its so hurtful. Maybe our lives just... sucks.

I cant feel you, baby. I need you.

Havent been updating my blog for awhile cause i have been busy studying and all. JC life is an irony.

Have been feeling really down and stressed up these days.

Im really glad that my boy has been by my side through this month of April. It has been a really tough month i must say, and without him, i dont even know how would i be able to pull through all these shit ive been going through.

Loving him more and more each and everyday. He is the only one who can fix my broken smile with a joke made up by himself or doing something really silly. He is the first guy that i've felt so strongly about despite being in different school. I would never ever take up this kind of "long distance relationship" because distance would pull us apart. It really takes a lot of compromises, understanding and effort to keep the relationship burning and alive. Its been four months ever since we've officially gotten together and it wasnt an easy journey.

Looking back, he was the one who has been holding to this relationship when it is on the verge of dying. He is the one who would go that extra mile just to make me feel good about myself and he would do anything to keep me by his side. Now it's my turn to question myself, ' what have i done for this relationship? ' Obviously, nothing came up to my mind because i've not been trying my best to keep this relationship. As guilty as im feeling now, ending this relationship because i feel insecure its not the way. Like someone who has said to me, ' Quitting is not the solution, its just the easy way out. ' I must admit that i am a coward; i run away from my problems, i pretend to be ignorant, i always give up when things get tough. Maybe that explains why all my past relationships didn't work out in the end; because i gave up instead of finding a solution, or rather the other half just got tired of giving in all the time while i wasn't willing to give anything to save the relationship.

Yes, i feel insecure because he is a flawless, girls-kill-to-be-with guy. So, instead of sitting here and whine endlessly about how insecure i feel and he deserves better, why not do something that makes me feel like im worthy of being with him?

Feeling fat, ugly and a potato?
Get up and run

Feeling like you've not given enough?
Do something sweet for him to make his day

Feel like you havent been treating him right?
Change your attitude

Its that simple; however our minds tend to ,look for the easy way out because; we can and there's nothing that could stop us from doing so. Why not stop and ponder about it for a moment, is this temporary insecurity worth the pain of losing someone who's so dear to your heart and regretting months or years later because you havent given in your best to keep them? No. Definitely not.

I know its difficult not to chance upon that kind of quitter thought, but if i dont give in my best not to think about it, my boy and i would forever be fighting, and the problem lies with me. If, one day he decides to get up and go because he's tired of me, at least... just at least i know that i've given my best in everything that could possibly be done and we would both part knowing that we are just not meant for each other rather than having a heart full of remorse over the things that could have been done.

Thats my thoughs for now.
xoxo

Its 11.48pm right now and here i am sitting in front of my computer, feeling so helpless because i have no idea what's going on. Why do you have to lie straight into my face when i asked you where you were? Do you know how fucking worried i am right now?

I was busy preparing your birthday gift because i've got a busy week ahead of me. I let my phone aside for a few hours, i let you away from my sight just for that few hours and you went out when i've told you a countless times not to do so as its dangerous. I care for you. I know you're a grown man but still anything can happen, okay?

Why does everyone know about your condition except me? When i asked you about it, you lie straight into my face? Dont you know how much importance you place in my heart? Right now, you're at A&E waiting... while i can't do anything about it already makes me feel like i havent been doing my duty as your girlfriend.. To make matters worse, you dont even want to tell me what happened to you.

This really makes me question my privilege to be with you, or rather do i mean as much to you. You can send tweets, but you can't drop me a message saying that you're at the hospital now because something has happened to you. Just, why? Im worried sick right now, still as clueless as ever... I've got an undone PI to do, yet i can't get my mind to focus on anything right now. Please be alright...

Even it has been months that we have been together with each other, i dont know why, but this sense of insecurity always gets hold of me. Its not that i dont want to talk to you, but sometimes i just dont find that i have the right to, because im not good enough. I can give you 5 reasons why i feel this way.

1. You are gorgeous.
Not just in any kind of way, but the everyone-stares-at-you-while-you-walk-by kinda way. Talk about being insecure when im with you man.

2. You are ever forgiving.
You can never get angry at me, no matter how nonsensical i can get, how angry im at you for not meeting my stupid expectations, me taking you for granted.

3. You are loving.
You would do anything, and i mean anything in the world for me. And what do i have to offer you in return? Nothing. Just sit around and be useless.

4. You dont ever let me spend a single cent on myself.
You pay for my expenses even when its not your duty to do so. Like cmon, my food? I feel so bad whenever u buy food/drinks for me and i dont finish them. And yiu're already so tight on money.

5. You are mr perfect boyfriend.
You are so perfect in everything that you do, be it being neat and tidy, being commited to something, being sweet and caring, being the best boyfriend that anyone would die to have you.

Im nothing but a hot tempered, self centred spoilt little bitch who would leash my fustrations at you and get angry at you for no reason at all.

Maybe i shouldnt even be with you in the first place. You are being tight down to someone who isnt going to give you what you deserve mr perfect... i have no rights. I will forever feel like a loser being by your side. You deserve better...

So, its going to be his 18th birthday soon and i wanted to plan a birthday party for him. I wanted to make it grand for him, therefore i asked his usual clique of friends who have been through his whole secondary school life with to make it special and meaningful. As such, i went to contact a friend of his, obviously the one who is the most amiable and approachable. I roughly told him what i wanted to do for his birthday. However, he had something else in mind. He told me that since two of his clique have their birthday on the almost same dates, he told me to let his clique settle his birthday and let them celebrate for him. He asked me again if im alright with it. I agreed to it unwillingly.

I feel so disheartened. I mean, i know that his friends mean a lot to him because they have been through years of thick memories and friendship, even way, way before he had met me. Their bonds are as strong as giant lattice colvalent structure and i have no right to destroy that because i have just been in his life for 3 months, maybe 6 months when he first met me. However, i just feel so disheartened and unimportant. It's his 18th birthday, so i shouldnt be complaining about it and just let his clique do his birthday party for him and i should sit in one corner and suck my thumb like a big loser girlfriend because i can't connect with them. I have never ever had such difficulties communicating with people. I've always thought that being friendly and daring makes me approachable and easy to talk to. What now? I just get left out; and not just any event, but his 18th birthday. I dont know why im making a big fuss about his birthday, but its probably because its the first time im gonna celebrate his birthday with him and probably its because its his 18th. I know that he will definitely enjoy it with his friends, but somehow deep down in my heart i just wish that im there for him as well.

I just feel like a freaking loser. Im already very insecure about myself, today just made it worst. I've always felt like im the reacher trying to keep my prince charming beside me while he is the settler settling for something lesser than he deserves. He is just so perfect in every way that i cant even find any flaws with him. While me? im just a fucking screwed up girl trying to keep her life together. Till now, i still dont know what does he ever see in me for him to fall in love with me. I hate myself so much sometimes. Call me emotional, but come on every girl wants her prince charming in their lives, and now that i have him, im so afraid of losing him because i really cant find any reason about me for him to stay with me. Whenever i walk beside him i'll feel that everyone's looking at us thinking, ' why the hell are these two couple even together? '
I feel so insecure all the time whenever im with him. I've never ever felt so bad about myself, ever. Maybe he's just too perfect and i can never be good enough for him.

I honestly didnt see this coming, but it really hit me hard, on my face. Maybe his friends just feel that im not good enough for him and he is definitely off for someone better. Well its not a surprise because i kinda felt it somewhere inside my heart, and my feeling's never wrong. Im his girlfriend after all, is it so wrong wanting to celebrate his birthday with him? I just feel like im being thrown aside, so unimportant, like a speck of dust. Im not saying they are wrong, they are definitely not wrong, and i can understand where they are coming from, just it just kills me inside knowing that i mean so little in his life and that i wont be celebrating his birthday with him. Sometimes i really wonder what am i even worthy to even be in his life. But, what can i do? Just suck it in, suck everything in like a whiny bitch and close one eye, move on. Its time to face the truth, and

It's has been a month since school have started and everything has been moving in a fast forward pace. Honestly, i love TPJC despite the strict school rules and some flaws the school has.

One thing i absolutely love about the school is the people there. On the first day of school, i was so nervous and even got aaron to send to me to school because i absolutely didn't know anyone who went to TPJC and i was all alone. However, thank god that i had serena to accompany all the way to the hall and we were eventually being split up because we are in different OG. I sat down and kept using my phone to text aaron because i REFUSED to talk to anyone. It was so tensed but things got better when the orientation programme eventually started and different clans went up on stage and present their cheer and dance. The OGLs had definitely hyped up the mood and made things better. On the first day of orientation it was really horrible because everyone looked so bored as though they dont want to be there. After leaving the hall, we proceed to one of the lecture hall and sort out administrative stuff and thats when i got to know my first friend in tpjc, beitriss chua AKA my squrriel! From then on, we started doing everything together. Over the weekend after the first day of orientation, Jane personally Watsapped me because i was talking about how i wanted to join dance and wanted to know more about it and we kinda started talking on that day onwards.

On the second day, we learnt the mass dance and beitriss and I somehow got close to Elyn and Fardiana and we became a small girl clique together ever since. I can't actually remember the guys and their faces because im very bad at remembering names and its especially difficult especially for guys because they look all the same to me, unless you're super cute! hahaha, no offence og19 guyssss! I think the first guy that i got to know was Ryan because the OG had started a rumour about him liking some girl. The rest of them i eventually got to remember them such as Amos who looked like justin back in my secondary school, Randall, Javier, Bad luck shawn, Aaron Lau the always hungry and the-guy-who-has-funny-eye-brows-and-who-loves-bubbletea, Wei Quan and the always-bo-jio mr thaqif. Im really, really glad that we really clicked as an OG and this bond is unbreakable. On the last day of orientation, Beitriss, Jane and I were the only triplets because there was an odd number in our OG for amazing race. We had so much fun and laughter and Beitriss and I constantly panicked because Jane is forever missing and appearing out of nowhere again just like a little girl running around HAHAHAHA! :) sorry hamtaro :P

 Even though we have been posted to our CG for a few weeks already, we still went out for Seoul Garden lunch after Road run and study till late into the night in school with a bunch of peeps. Also, not forgetting sharing Nachos with Elyn in Chinese Lecture every Thursday. The feeling that i get from OG19 is irreplaceable and definitely memorable. I really wish things would ceteris paribus because i really love this bunch of awesome people.

On top of all that, we really had super OGLs to guide us along throughout before we had gotten our CG, Amila, Junie, Jinghao and Kendrew. One of the OGL, Amila, went beyond her duties as an OGL and went extra miles just to bond us together such as constantly asking why are we so sian and encouraging us to try our best to win the games in the orientation by letting us make the OGLs do forfeit for every game that we had won. Im really glad that her efforts are not wasted and she is definitely one OGL that would remain in our hearts. She was always there with us through our orientation and she is the one who had made the most impact in our journey throughout as an OG by being there whenever she can. She is definitely my inspiration to be an OGL for the next batch of J1s next year.

 Moving on from orientation, im posted to 13S21, where this class is dominated by guys and five girls. This is probably so because its a H2 physics class and not many girls take physics. I love physics to bits okay, dont judge! I love my CG as well as everyone's really nice and friendly. One of the person whom i can get along really well is Kavita. I really admire her strong willpower to move on from her difficulties and she is definitely a strong woman in my eyes. I really appreciate how she is so patient with me teaching me vectors and helping me to be ahead of others. Morever, she even helped to dig out her past SA1 papers for me because i asked for it. She gives off this motherly love for me because whenever im stress out she would always know the right thing to say to me. I remembered i broke down after GP lesson because the teacher had said an insensitive remark to me. She was the first one to offer me tissue and constantly asking me what was wrong. Whenever i feel that going to school early in the morning is tiring, i would always think of how kavita needs to wake up early in the morning at 4.45am just to be on time for school and i should not have any complaints that im tired. I came to realize that after she told me how early she has to get up just to go school every single day, i stopped complaining about how tiring school was and i miraculously felt so energized every single day to go to school. It really means a lot to me to see her smile even though she is really tired and exhausted from all the travelling that she has to go through in a day. She had also made me stopped cursing so much, well at least when im with her with i am most of the time and made me appreciate the things that i have. I really hope that we can get through this year together and hopefully to be in the same class as her the next year because she is someone i can learn a lot from and someone that im so blessed to having in my life.

For my 2013 resolution, i would really wish that i can attain and stick to it for the rest of the year because its gonna get tough and there would definitely be many tears to be shed, quarrels and obstacles ahead.

For one thing that im really blessed to have in my life is my dear aaron who is always there for me. I know that i have always took him for granted because im too caught up in achieving my goals that i tend to push people away, or do anything rather just to achieve selfish aims. Im really glad that aaron is so understandable and he didnt not murmur a single complain about me choosing a JC when all his best friends and their girl would be going to the same poly but i had to leave him alone. It was a really tough decision, but he supported me no matter what and that is really heart warming. On valentine's day, he invited me over and personally cooked dinner for me which consists healthy food like baked potatoes, chicken breast and macorooni because he knew that i was health conscience and i want to maintain my body shape. Not only that, he had made a video titled '52 reasons why' just for me. The reason behind why he had made this video is because i have always been insecure about myself and i have always been constantly asking him, 'why me?' Therefore, he wrote 52 reasons why he loved me on blank poker cards he had bought from ghoby ghaut and made it into a video. He made this video with so much editting and over night work just to present it to me for Valentine's day. The video had brought tears to my eyes because of the effort that he had put into it and the lengths he would go just to make me feel special and important to him. The video was not the only gift that he had given me. He had bought a pink cardigan for me because i have always been constantly saying that i need a cardigan but didnt have the time to buy it. Im just so blessed to have him by my side. He's constantly by my side and trying to hold onto our relationship whenever we quarrel and put his pride aside by apologizing even though its not his fault because he knows that im someone who is too proud to give in. On our 3rd month, he made another video for me featuring all the things that i have bought for him and the memories we had collected over the past 3 months. I really hope that im able to learn how to stop being so selfish and start opening my eyes to see who is really there for me in times when i need them the most. Im glad that my boy and I are still strong together despite all our differences, obstacles and fights. I really dont know what would i be without him by my side.

All in all, this year has been great and i hope that it will remain this way :)