Victoria

Its 11.48pm right now and here i am sitting in front of my computer, feeling so helpless because i have no idea what's going on. Why do you have to lie straight into my face when i asked you where you were? Do you know how fucking worried i am right now?

I was busy preparing your birthday gift because i've got a busy week ahead of me. I let my phone aside for a few hours, i let you away from my sight just for that few hours and you went out when i've told you a countless times not to do so as its dangerous. I care for you. I know you're a grown man but still anything can happen, okay?

Why does everyone know about your condition except me? When i asked you about it, you lie straight into my face? Dont you know how much importance you place in my heart? Right now, you're at A&E waiting... while i can't do anything about it already makes me feel like i havent been doing my duty as your girlfriend.. To make matters worse, you dont even want to tell me what happened to you.

This really makes me question my privilege to be with you, or rather do i mean as much to you. You can send tweets, but you can't drop me a message saying that you're at the hospital now because something has happened to you. Just, why? Im worried sick right now, still as clueless as ever... I've got an undone PI to do, yet i can't get my mind to focus on anything right now. Please be alright...

Even it has been months that we have been together with each other, i dont know why, but this sense of insecurity always gets hold of me. Its not that i dont want to talk to you, but sometimes i just dont find that i have the right to, because im not good enough. I can give you 5 reasons why i feel this way.

1. You are gorgeous.
Not just in any kind of way, but the everyone-stares-at-you-while-you-walk-by kinda way. Talk about being insecure when im with you man.

2. You are ever forgiving.
You can never get angry at me, no matter how nonsensical i can get, how angry im at you for not meeting my stupid expectations, me taking you for granted.

3. You are loving.
You would do anything, and i mean anything in the world for me. And what do i have to offer you in return? Nothing. Just sit around and be useless.

4. You dont ever let me spend a single cent on myself.
You pay for my expenses even when its not your duty to do so. Like cmon, my food? I feel so bad whenever u buy food/drinks for me and i dont finish them. And yiu're already so tight on money.

5. You are mr perfect boyfriend.
You are so perfect in everything that you do, be it being neat and tidy, being commited to something, being sweet and caring, being the best boyfriend that anyone would die to have you.

Im nothing but a hot tempered, self centred spoilt little bitch who would leash my fustrations at you and get angry at you for no reason at all.

Maybe i shouldnt even be with you in the first place. You are being tight down to someone who isnt going to give you what you deserve mr perfect... i have no rights. I will forever feel like a loser being by your side. You deserve better...

So, its going to be his 18th birthday soon and i wanted to plan a birthday party for him. I wanted to make it grand for him, therefore i asked his usual clique of friends who have been through his whole secondary school life with to make it special and meaningful. As such, i went to contact a friend of his, obviously the one who is the most amiable and approachable. I roughly told him what i wanted to do for his birthday. However, he had something else in mind. He told me that since two of his clique have their birthday on the almost same dates, he told me to let his clique settle his birthday and let them celebrate for him. He asked me again if im alright with it. I agreed to it unwillingly.

I feel so disheartened. I mean, i know that his friends mean a lot to him because they have been through years of thick memories and friendship, even way, way before he had met me. Their bonds are as strong as giant lattice colvalent structure and i have no right to destroy that because i have just been in his life for 3 months, maybe 6 months when he first met me. However, i just feel so disheartened and unimportant. It's his 18th birthday, so i shouldnt be complaining about it and just let his clique do his birthday party for him and i should sit in one corner and suck my thumb like a big loser girlfriend because i can't connect with them. I have never ever had such difficulties communicating with people. I've always thought that being friendly and daring makes me approachable and easy to talk to. What now? I just get left out; and not just any event, but his 18th birthday. I dont know why im making a big fuss about his birthday, but its probably because its the first time im gonna celebrate his birthday with him and probably its because its his 18th. I know that he will definitely enjoy it with his friends, but somehow deep down in my heart i just wish that im there for him as well.

I just feel like a freaking loser. Im already very insecure about myself, today just made it worst. I've always felt like im the reacher trying to keep my prince charming beside me while he is the settler settling for something lesser than he deserves. He is just so perfect in every way that i cant even find any flaws with him. While me? im just a fucking screwed up girl trying to keep her life together. Till now, i still dont know what does he ever see in me for him to fall in love with me. I hate myself so much sometimes. Call me emotional, but come on every girl wants her prince charming in their lives, and now that i have him, im so afraid of losing him because i really cant find any reason about me for him to stay with me. Whenever i walk beside him i'll feel that everyone's looking at us thinking, ' why the hell are these two couple even together? '
I feel so insecure all the time whenever im with him. I've never ever felt so bad about myself, ever. Maybe he's just too perfect and i can never be good enough for him.

I honestly didnt see this coming, but it really hit me hard, on my face. Maybe his friends just feel that im not good enough for him and he is definitely off for someone better. Well its not a surprise because i kinda felt it somewhere inside my heart, and my feeling's never wrong. Im his girlfriend after all, is it so wrong wanting to celebrate his birthday with him? I just feel like im being thrown aside, so unimportant, like a speck of dust. Im not saying they are wrong, they are definitely not wrong, and i can understand where they are coming from, just it just kills me inside knowing that i mean so little in his life and that i wont be celebrating his birthday with him. Sometimes i really wonder what am i even worthy to even be in his life. But, what can i do? Just suck it in, suck everything in like a whiny bitch and close one eye, move on. Its time to face the truth, and

It's has been a month since school have started and everything has been moving in a fast forward pace. Honestly, i love TPJC despite the strict school rules and some flaws the school has.

One thing i absolutely love about the school is the people there. On the first day of school, i was so nervous and even got aaron to send to me to school because i absolutely didn't know anyone who went to TPJC and i was all alone. However, thank god that i had serena to accompany all the way to the hall and we were eventually being split up because we are in different OG. I sat down and kept using my phone to text aaron because i REFUSED to talk to anyone. It was so tensed but things got better when the orientation programme eventually started and different clans went up on stage and present their cheer and dance. The OGLs had definitely hyped up the mood and made things better. On the first day of orientation it was really horrible because everyone looked so bored as though they dont want to be there. After leaving the hall, we proceed to one of the lecture hall and sort out administrative stuff and thats when i got to know my first friend in tpjc, beitriss chua AKA my squrriel! From then on, we started doing everything together. Over the weekend after the first day of orientation, Jane personally Watsapped me because i was talking about how i wanted to join dance and wanted to know more about it and we kinda started talking on that day onwards.

On the second day, we learnt the mass dance and beitriss and I somehow got close to Elyn and Fardiana and we became a small girl clique together ever since. I can't actually remember the guys and their faces because im very bad at remembering names and its especially difficult especially for guys because they look all the same to me, unless you're super cute! hahaha, no offence og19 guyssss! I think the first guy that i got to know was Ryan because the OG had started a rumour about him liking some girl. The rest of them i eventually got to remember them such as Amos who looked like justin back in my secondary school, Randall, Javier, Bad luck shawn, Aaron Lau the always hungry and the-guy-who-has-funny-eye-brows-and-who-loves-bubbletea, Wei Quan and the always-bo-jio mr thaqif. Im really, really glad that we really clicked as an OG and this bond is unbreakable. On the last day of orientation, Beitriss, Jane and I were the only triplets because there was an odd number in our OG for amazing race. We had so much fun and laughter and Beitriss and I constantly panicked because Jane is forever missing and appearing out of nowhere again just like a little girl running around HAHAHAHA! :) sorry hamtaro :P

 Even though we have been posted to our CG for a few weeks already, we still went out for Seoul Garden lunch after Road run and study till late into the night in school with a bunch of peeps. Also, not forgetting sharing Nachos with Elyn in Chinese Lecture every Thursday. The feeling that i get from OG19 is irreplaceable and definitely memorable. I really wish things would ceteris paribus because i really love this bunch of awesome people.

On top of all that, we really had super OGLs to guide us along throughout before we had gotten our CG, Amila, Junie, Jinghao and Kendrew. One of the OGL, Amila, went beyond her duties as an OGL and went extra miles just to bond us together such as constantly asking why are we so sian and encouraging us to try our best to win the games in the orientation by letting us make the OGLs do forfeit for every game that we had won. Im really glad that her efforts are not wasted and she is definitely one OGL that would remain in our hearts. She was always there with us through our orientation and she is the one who had made the most impact in our journey throughout as an OG by being there whenever she can. She is definitely my inspiration to be an OGL for the next batch of J1s next year.

 Moving on from orientation, im posted to 13S21, where this class is dominated by guys and five girls. This is probably so because its a H2 physics class and not many girls take physics. I love physics to bits okay, dont judge! I love my CG as well as everyone's really nice and friendly. One of the person whom i can get along really well is Kavita. I really admire her strong willpower to move on from her difficulties and she is definitely a strong woman in my eyes. I really appreciate how she is so patient with me teaching me vectors and helping me to be ahead of others. Morever, she even helped to dig out her past SA1 papers for me because i asked for it. She gives off this motherly love for me because whenever im stress out she would always know the right thing to say to me. I remembered i broke down after GP lesson because the teacher had said an insensitive remark to me. She was the first one to offer me tissue and constantly asking me what was wrong. Whenever i feel that going to school early in the morning is tiring, i would always think of how kavita needs to wake up early in the morning at 4.45am just to be on time for school and i should not have any complaints that im tired. I came to realize that after she told me how early she has to get up just to go school every single day, i stopped complaining about how tiring school was and i miraculously felt so energized every single day to go to school. It really means a lot to me to see her smile even though she is really tired and exhausted from all the travelling that she has to go through in a day. She had also made me stopped cursing so much, well at least when im with her with i am most of the time and made me appreciate the things that i have. I really hope that we can get through this year together and hopefully to be in the same class as her the next year because she is someone i can learn a lot from and someone that im so blessed to having in my life.

For my 2013 resolution, i would really wish that i can attain and stick to it for the rest of the year because its gonna get tough and there would definitely be many tears to be shed, quarrels and obstacles ahead.

For one thing that im really blessed to have in my life is my dear aaron who is always there for me. I know that i have always took him for granted because im too caught up in achieving my goals that i tend to push people away, or do anything rather just to achieve selfish aims. Im really glad that aaron is so understandable and he didnt not murmur a single complain about me choosing a JC when all his best friends and their girl would be going to the same poly but i had to leave him alone. It was a really tough decision, but he supported me no matter what and that is really heart warming. On valentine's day, he invited me over and personally cooked dinner for me which consists healthy food like baked potatoes, chicken breast and macorooni because he knew that i was health conscience and i want to maintain my body shape. Not only that, he had made a video titled '52 reasons why' just for me. The reason behind why he had made this video is because i have always been insecure about myself and i have always been constantly asking him, 'why me?' Therefore, he wrote 52 reasons why he loved me on blank poker cards he had bought from ghoby ghaut and made it into a video. He made this video with so much editting and over night work just to present it to me for Valentine's day. The video had brought tears to my eyes because of the effort that he had put into it and the lengths he would go just to make me feel special and important to him. The video was not the only gift that he had given me. He had bought a pink cardigan for me because i have always been constantly saying that i need a cardigan but didnt have the time to buy it. Im just so blessed to have him by my side. He's constantly by my side and trying to hold onto our relationship whenever we quarrel and put his pride aside by apologizing even though its not his fault because he knows that im someone who is too proud to give in. On our 3rd month, he made another video for me featuring all the things that i have bought for him and the memories we had collected over the past 3 months. I really hope that im able to learn how to stop being so selfish and start opening my eyes to see who is really there for me in times when i need them the most. Im glad that my boy and I are still strong together despite all our differences, obstacles and fights. I really dont know what would i be without him by my side.

All in all, this year has been great and i hope that it will remain this way :)

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with guilt because others have done for you so much that you could never ever repaythem, not even with gratitude. I dont know why i feel so weird, but i've never been so pampered by my bf. As im a sentimental person, i would definitely take note of all the little things that he has done for me and all these would eventually add up to the guilt that i can never get rid off and it just piles on as time goes by. Im never an easy person to deal with. Im a very dominant woman who knows very clearly what she wants in her life and would do almost anything just to get what she had set out to do so. Of course, these kind of women have a very bad temper and im of no exception. I strive for perfection in everything that i do. Of course, its tiring and mentally draining to be that way. So where do i vent all my fustrations on? Him. Despite everything from my bad temper from screaming and yelling at him for no apparent reason to being so self absorbed in my own world, he still stood by my side throughout everything. He isnt someone who has a very good temper. To think that he's able to withstand all my nonsense is really worth commending. He always knows what im thinking of on my mind and he doesnt let me go back unless i speak my mind so that i can feel at ease after i go home. He has done so much for me from fliming and editting my sc video to fetching me from school when i felt lonely and empty at times. How i wish i can do something that will make us on the same tile so that no one owes any gratitude and we both can feel guiltless. How i wish i can be a better girlfriend towards him by controlling my temper. Im just not used being the one on the receiving end because im always the giver in any relationship and i like it that way. Sometimes, i just secretly wish im the best you have ever had, but i fail to think that way every single time becausei gave up on deceiving myself. I suck.

Some of you may know that i didn't fair well in my O levels. For the past few weeks there was so much self-hatred, deceit, negatibity inside of me that i didn't have the courage to face anyone except for a few close and dearest to my heart people. Looking back, I've given my best, and i couldn't give anymore even if i rewind time. After much reflection, i guess its just because of the wrong subject combination that i had taken, or probably the way that i've studied was wrong. I honestly felt that the burning, ferocious flame in me that kept me going for years just flickered and extinguished. It took much encouragement, comfort and support that got me back up my feet and going. I really dont know what i would do without my family and my dearest. After all, that phase of life is gone and i need to brace myself and shine. I may not burn as bright as the others now, but its not too late yet. I need to smile and push through everything. I really can't wait for the week where he officially quits his job and have the whole week with me. I've already planned every single day out on that week. Its a short post cause i dont really feel like blogging hehe, gonna blog again soon sometime this week!

I've got to be honest, right after the last o level paper i've pushed every thought about o level results and enjoyed every day of my holiday till every bit of it. Right now, i cant push it away any longer because im going to get my results tomorrow. Suddenly, there's this surge of anxiety and fear within me, plunging into every single cell of my being that makes me shiver and tremble at the thought of it. I wish i can run away from it even longer, but i know that i got to face it sooner or later. Thinking back, these four years of my education hasnt really been easy on me, it was a really tough journey indeed with many traumas that i had to face in between and the stress that i had faced throughout my secondary 4 life. Im feeling really, really stressed out now because i really have no idea what to expect for my results tomorrow. It just seem so misty, clouded. I hate not knowing how my future looks like because i absolutely hate uncertainty, especially when im so insecure all the time. I know that ive gave in my 100% for this o levels and i couldnt study even harder if i had the ability to turn back time. Those who know me, you should totally understand what im saying now. Of course, i didnt make this journey through alone. There are definitely many precious people that had helped me through my darkest times. Firstly, i would really want to thank bennett tan for being with me through most of my secondary school life. He is the one who was always there for me when i needed him, supported me through every decision that i had made even though it was stupid. Through massive heartbreaks from guys who doesnt deserve me, those j.co study sessions and spazzing over hot guys with me, receiving text messages from him asking for my well being from time to time and heartwarming words of encouragement from time to time. He is really like a big brother who looks after me through all these years and i can always count on him if i have no one else to turn to. He is so, so precious to me and he has definitely made my life much brighter with his presence around because he gives me a sense of security and rubs his positive vibes on me every single time. Secondly, my best friend charlotte. I know that both of us are very academic-priority people and we dont talk a lot. However, i always, always think about you from time to time. Whenever i felt like giving up, i will always think about the promise that i've made to you when ive gotten my secondary 1 CA1 results that day, sitting on Tanah merah platform waiting for my train to arrive. You are the reason why ive pushed myself so hard and someone whom i always idolize. Believe it or not, ive always secretly wished that i could be more like you. I really dont know how you can toerate my nonsense from primary 6 david lam dumb dumb till now, still as emotional as ever. I know you are short tempered, but do know that i love you no matter what, no matter how harsh you scream at me because i know you care. We've been through so much together, so much apart. I just wish that i could get into the same school as you and create more memorable moments with you, together like how we've planned 4 years ago. I didnt know how strong our friendship was till it was being put to test by separating us to different secondary schools. It is no coincidence why we had lasted till now. No one understand me like you do, and you will never ever judge me no matter how ridiculous i am. Charlotte, i would never ever forget the promise that ive made with you, every single one of them. We still have yet to go overseas together with kaising when we are older. I just want to tell you that im very remorseful that ive let you down if i dont get the results to go to the same jc as you. You have no idea how guilty i will feel. Nonetheless, you will still forever be my best friend no matter the results. I love you. Like ive said, if u get more than 10, i will let you sit on my head for as long as you like. :) Thirdly, you should know who you are. Thankyou for giving me so much confidence in myself over the past one year. No one has ever told me that im beautiful and had realized how different i am from other girls. Thankyou for being there for me, through my tears, my tantrum during the o level period. Thankyou for believing in me no matter what. Thankyou, for being there for me everyday, everytime when i needed you. Thankyou for not persuading me to drop to combine science like how everyone else did because you know how much i love physics. Thankyou for seeing through my worst and supporting me after prelims when you know ive done badly for it. It was definitely a wake up call for me. I know the way i study during the Pre-Os post prelim period is really scary, but you never failed to cool me down after my emotional break downs from time to time and keep assuring me with words like ' Im sure you will do well, look at you, you are so hardworking. ' I would always shoot you back with ' hardworking doesnt get you anywhere ', but today, i wouldnt. I've always admired how you managed to stay positive even though you almost got retained in sec 3 and bloomed in sec 4 and never gave up. You are definitely someone i should look up and learn from, because ive never met someone so bubbly as you who stayed so calm through the tough times. I know ive always taken you for granted, but i guess we just arent meant to be because ive always look as you as my brother and nothing more. I am sorry for all the hurt that ive caused you that made you behaved so desperately. I just want you to know, without you, i wouldnt know what to do without you and i wouldnt be who i am know it werent for you. You've guided me through my sec 4 life and i couldnt be more thankful. If you didnt came into my life, i would still be that quiet, shy, shut-everyone-out girl who sees the world as nothing but full of betrayal and hurt. I really appreciate all those words of encourgement and how you always believed that my future seems so bright to you. You opened up my world and let me see things that i didnt see in myself before, be it illusional or not, it had definitely made me feel better about myself. You are a very smart boy, dont deny it anymore okay. All the best for tomorrow. Im sure you will be smiling as usual, like the cheerful boy u are! Fourth, all my teachers who had taught me and had consultations with namely Mdm Wan, Ms Yang, Mrs Chia, Mrs Chan, Mr Mubarak, Mr Lim wm, Mdm yeo, Mdm sabina, Mr choy. And of course those teachers that had helped me with consultations after school even though im not their student especially Miss Yam and Ms Yang. Mdm Wan, thankyou for always encouraging me and telling me how to perfect my english and improve my word to perfection. Although you didnt have much time for me cause you have many students, but you are always like a mother to me and a great teacher that made me want to give my best and not to lose up in English even though im not very strong in it. Mrs Chan, for being the mother towards me. I still get chills in my nerves whenever you caught me by surprise by asking me questions in chemistry lab. I know ive always hated chemistry and you had tried your best to help me, even at the very last minute which u absoutely hate. Choy, for always being so concerned for my maths and teaching me tough love. Thankyou for always asking me about my maths after every lesson and always giving extra remedial just to help me. I still remembered you using your lunch break going through my TYS while eating your noodle beside me. Haha! Mdm sabina! For not giving up on me when i went to her at the last minute. Ive got to be honest, i didnt really liked her but i kind of grew fonder of her after millions of consultations with her and she didnt even mmind me taking up her slots. Without her, i think my lit would just end up in crash and burn. &, thankyou for the comfort message at night when i thought i didnt answer the question for my Os. To know that i didnt really calmed me down for my remaining papers. Miss yam, even though im not your student, you still welcome me with open house and gave in your best and attention for me to brush up my social studies. I still remember the first time i apprached you was during night studies when i didnt get how to do usefulness question. I guess somehow your friendliness made me want to have a teacher like you! Weiming, for always choosing your words when you are talking to me cause you know im sensitive. I can never ever have any cooler econs teacher than you! :) Thankyou for taking the time for marking each and every one of my econs essays which i think may have accumulated to at least 20 during that one month. I just wish that i had approached you earlier. I was so scared of you cause you seemed so hostile. Just really glad that i got to know you better in the last month of my time as a sec 4. I have so many, many reasons to be thankful because i have so many precious people that have helped me through not forgetting my tuition teachers miss kerk and mrs quekie, my mother who always told me she loves and be proud of me no matter what result that i get and my dad for being so confident in me. So, i'll just cross my fingers, and hope for the best tomorrow. I just know that ive given my very very best and i have nothing to regret. I will get the desirable results that i want for my o levels, because i deserve it and it will be tears of joy tomorrow. #thesecret xoxo ciao! :)

Soon after, I had to go on my vacation to Japan for 8 days. Of course, i wouldnt bear to leave him cause things had just started getting better with him. For the first two days in Japan, i didnt have wifi connection because i was on the plane and i was too exhausted to go to the lobby to connect to it. When i finally got the chance to connect to wifi, there were millions of watsapp messages and emails that flooded me. Upon seeing his two emails among the sea of emails that i had received, i couldnt help but put up a big smile like a complete dork. As i was seated facing th glass panel of the cafe, i had a couple of stares from the passers-by walking down the streets. I enjoyed my toasted hot dog bun and a cup of orange juice as I read and re-read the email that he had sent to me. I felt so loved because those emails were gestures of him that showed his love and care for me. Even though we had a small fight on the second night of my trip, we looked past it because we missed each other too much to make a fuss about things that didnt matter. My mind was completely flooded with thoughts about him everywhere i went. When i was at Akihabara, a place where all anime based stuff and technology stuff were being sold there, I immediately thought of sim lim sqaure where he is working at and how tired he must be working. I had been constantly looking at photos of him whenever i was on the train or restaurant. I didnt realize that our love for each other was so strong till i was away from him. For those 8 days, i felt that there was something missing from my life. Ive been looking forward to this Japan trip for 4 years and im exhilarated to finally be there. However, part of my heart felt like there's something missing. It just felt like i couldnt share the happiness with the person who places most in my heart. It would have been so much better with him around. Maybe because of all the wishing that he was there with me, i saw several people that looked like him walking down the streets. For a moment or two, i really thought that he was really there in Japan and my heart literally skipped a beat. Of course, they were just look alikes of him, or maybe im picturing him being there for too long. He had sent me 9 emails during my trips and all of them are heart warming and made me feel secure because it reassured me that he was thinking about me as well too. When i had gotten back to singapore, he came to the airport and fetched me. There was a sudden burst of euphora in me when i saw him standing at coffee bean in his skin tight jeans and his hoodie. Everything felt so surreal because i havent seen him in awhile. I just felt glad that im finally able to see him after such a long time because if i had to wait another day, i think i might just drop dead because of love sickness. I so wanted to gave him a big tight hug upon seeing him, but i was too shy to even talk to him. Even though we were not together yet, he dragged my luggage for me around as we went to terminal 1 viewing gallery where i used to study there for my Pre-O days. We had small but meaningful talk that brought us even closer together. After that, he sent me back to my house and rode his 'camel' back home. I pretty much felt like a princess that day because im being escorted around. Hehe. On the 9th of December night, he randomly asked me to be his girlfriend. At first I wasn’t very sure as there were a lot of things to take into consideration. Honestly, ive been thinking about it throughout my trip in Japan for the answer to the question and I couldn’t come up with a conclusion. My head is screaming at me that it’s a dead end but my heart feels so strongly about him. He is so perfect, and all that I could ever ask or want in a boyfriend. I’ve been dying to make him mine but the fear or uncertainty kept me from giving him an answer. Ive thought about it the whole night and I finally gave in to my heart because I know that I would definitely regret letting him go just because im afraid to face my fears. On the 12th of December, we decided to go out since it was his off day. Given that we had met in the zoo, we had decided to go there to recollect memories. This time round, I had to take the bus because I didn’t have the priviledge of being in a car. We met each other at tampines mrt in the early morning and made our way to AMK. That day, he had wore his grey shirt which had an adorable teddy bear holding up a letter B imprinted on his left pocket and striking red pants. He looked as charming as ever like the very first day that I had seen him. We made a racket on the MRT and on the bus to the zoo as we couldn’t stop giggling and teasing each other. I could totally feel the stares of others but I didn’t mind because im completely lost in time and absorbed into the world of ours. He was so adorable when he got annoyed as he wanted to take a picture of the red panda that was constantly running around on a tree branch. He had repeatedly told me that he had given up trying to get a nice photo of the red panda but when it comes around, he immediately took out his phone and tried again. What a cutie pie. During our second time in the zoo together, we had seen things that we didn’t get to see like the pandas, kangaroo, and for me, monkeys having coitus. Hahahaha! Being playful, he constantly wanted to disturb me by pulling a really thick leaf and releasing it infront of my face, hitting my nose as well as pushing me towards a really long vine infront of the hippo exhibit. What I had found interesting was that when we are in one of the exhibits that we had went before for the first time, we saw the ducks which were supposed to be in the pond jumping out and onto the bridge, following us around wherever we went. We also saw this big ass blue bird that looked pretty fierce that was walking around on the pavement. No wait, not only one, but 3 of them. At one of time, we were surrounded by the three of them, with one of them infront of us and two behind us. We were scared shitless. We walked up the stairs and got to a place where there were filled with butterflies and bats flying around in the open. When a butterfly was close to us, he literally hid behind me and I couldn’t help but to laugh at his cowardice. Its amusing how a strong, big muscular guy like him can be scared of such a harmless, beautiful creature. After walking out of the enclosure, he hid at a corner and tried to scare me but failed miserably when I caught him doing so from a gap in between the walls that he was hiding. We found the snake exhibit the most disgusting one as the skin of the snake that it had shed gave us goose bumps. It was so scaly and dry. Around lunch time, the dark clouds started rolling in and we made our way to KFC to have our lunch. It started pouring soon after we’ve gotten our food. As we were sitting outside, the rain was being blown into our direction and there were droplets of rain all over our faces and body. However, he remained unaffected by the rain and continued staring into blank space while his face was completely wet from the rain. How weird. Later in the day, we went to the rainforest show which he was being called up the last time. Coincidentally, the guy who was being called up wore red as well like him the first time he went there. We giggled and he swore that he will never ever wear a red shirt to the zoo again. The last exhibit that we went was the baboons and we sat there for quite some time looking at them having a fun time with each other, if you know what I mean. We went back during the evening and took a long bus ride to tampines interchange from AMK. I rested my head on his arms as he put his hands across my shoulders. I dozed off after a minute or so and soon woken up by naughty him. We spent the rest of the bus ride poking each other and kidnapping each other’s phones. Even though it was a tiring day, it was definitely a day to remember because it had brought back a lot of memories and it was our first date together. I began sending him to work for a few mornings and having dinner with him when I’ve gotten a chance to every now and then. Even though we cant meet each other frequently, those mornings and nights are sufficient enough to make my day so much better. No love story could be fully understood by others but the two parties themselves. It may be a different perspective from his point of view but im just glad that I’ve finally found someone that makes me go heads over heels over him, something that a guy isn’t capable of doing to me for quite awhile now. We are definitely heading to different paths next year after O levels, but what I truly believe is that no matter what, we will definitely get through obstacles to our relationship together. He, is truly a keeper.

There he stood, wearing a deep V neck striking red shirt with a dark grey bermudas in contrast. His hand was carrying a DSLR camera with a black bag strapped across his torso. The sun rays fell on his beautifully spiked up hair and his tanned skin which made him glowed a little. The moment i had laid my eyes on him, my heart skipped a little. Something about him just seemed to attract me to him. I dont know why, but i had this warm, fuzzly feeling inside me that somehow knew he was going to become part of my life. I didnt believe in love at first sight, but i had definitely felt something back then. However, i shot the ridiculous idea because i thought that guys like him would definitely be unavaliable already and that i wouldnt stand a chance. I could vividy recall that i was admiring his rather muscular physique, his every gesture. Every fine detail from the side view of him had been imprinted on my mind even till this very day. I remembered how dashing and calm he was when was being called up to the stage during a performance and how he hid in a corner to eat his lunch when everyone else sat in a circle. I really hoped and wished that he would approach me and talk to me, but my hopes were dashed when i had to go home earlier because my brother had to go for lessons in the evening. From that day on, i counted on luck and fate for me to ever see him again, but i didnt get my hopes up because i knew that the chances were slim. When my o levels was coming to a near end, my mum told me that aaron's company is looking for people to work for SITEX. I subconsciously took up the job for me to have an excuse to talk to him. I didnt know how to start a conversation, but i finally gathered up my courage and sent a rather stupid ' Hi ! :D ' knowing very well that he doesnt even have my number. I literally wanted to punch myself in the face so bad because that was a really bad conversation starter. Surprsingly, he didnt seem so hostile that i thought he would be. I asked him for his twitter and started following him to get to know him better. That seemed like the end of our conversation like for eternity. He started responding to my tweets and we started talking and got kinda close. Perhaps he isnt that unfriendly that i thought he might be.We started to text into late nights and flooded each other's inbox like no one's business. When i felt that i was on cloud 9 talking to the guy of my dreams, everything came crashing down when i started seeing tweets dedicated to another girl and that he was in love with someone more beautiful and sweet girl at his work place. Reality had hit me hard, on my face. The disappointment was just too overwhelming that i decided to stop talking to him before the hurt manifests itself. Being realistic, i reminded myself that he was never meant to be mine and that he is way out of my league so i didnt have a reason to get hurt, or perhaps a reasonable one. I started playing the angel and tried getting him to talk to the girl and gave him a listening ear when he needed. I gave him moral support and courage till he finally started having smooth conversations with her. Predictably, he didnt text me for a few days but i knew what was coming. I swallowed this empty feeling of isolation and told myself to move on. Things didnt go as it was planned, and he came running back to me when the girl started ignoring his text messages. I knew its gonna hurt but i did the right thing to stay by his side. I had to go to a training session a few days before SITEX at his shop in sim lim. I arrived at sim lim a few minutes before eight, the desinated time of the training and took a glimpses at him. My heart immediately accelerated when i saw him sitting there with his dark grey hoodie and his reddish hair looking cool and all. I literally melted. During the training, i couldnt help but to look at him, only to realize that he has been texting the whole hour during the training which of course should be to her. His eyes were fixated to his phone, being so engrossed in texting her. I rolled my eyes and continued hearing Kevin's instructions. During the first day at SITEX, i was secretly wishing that he would make a random appearance after a long day at work, lifting my spirits. Immediately, i received a text from him saying ' i coming to find u later :p '. That text message immediately plastered a big wide smile across my face and i began to drag customers, running here and there like i had infinite energy. At night, he appeared with a fitting black suit and a hot pink shirt inside him that showed off his body shape. I striked a small conversation with him but it was too awkward to be sustained. However, it was enough to make my day so much better. It didnt take long before he made me angry for talking about the other girl endlessly. I dont usually get furious easily but it had been a long day and i guess i just i didnt want anything else to make my day any worse. I ignored his text that night. He came to SITEX the second day as well and the first thing he said to me was ' why you never reply my text ' and stared right into my eyes. I stared right back into his and replied ' cannot ah? ' He smiled and moved his head closer to mine. It was a moment of pure happiness. After that, he went to disturb others by pretending to be some interested customers and tricked my friend into explaining to him. What a playful guy. He showed some magic tricks during the near end of the day and he was the centre of attention with everyone crowding around him. I was giggling in one corner, admiring how charismatic he was. I checked my phone when i ended my work, only to realize that he texted me that he was over that girl. I didnt want to rain on other people's parade, but my inner goddess was beaming but sympathetic. I spent hours comforting him. Perhaps due to extreme fatigue, i finally had the last straw and scolded im ignorant for not being able to see who truly deserves him and that he had never noticed me after for so long and that i was playing the good guy expecting nothing in return all along. I told him how i felt about him and told him not to reply because i know very well that i cannot take rejections very well and it would be really awkward if we continued being friends. When i had woke up the next morning, he sent back a long message which i couldnt bring myself to read and decided to ignore it. I thought he wouldnt come after what we've through that night. In the end, he decided to come anyway. I could see him from the corners of my eyes, moving all around. When im done with my last customer, he came and asked me whats wrong. I dont know why, but at that moment, there was this surge of anxiety that made me walked straight past him when he had approached me. Maybe it was because i wasnt brave enough to face my fears that i thought that running away everything would just disappear. We had to stack up the leftover stocks and he helped out. I left early at around 11.30pm when he was still busy stacking up. Being persistent, he persuaded me to have things talk things through. Knowing that i had nothing to lose, i decided to had a talk with him. We talked till 3am and finally sorted out everything. He told me that we could have a fresh start to get to know each other, this time round without the girl in between us. I knew that i couldnt push or deny this love anymore and decided to go with it, even though skeptical things would work out, i knew very well deep in my heart, it will cause me even more heartache living through a day without talking to him. To be continued!

I cant believe that im so neglected by my parents. Okay, maybe neglected is too much of that intensity. I just feel that im always being unappreciated by them. My brother had gotten 240 for his psle results while i had 235. He had received showers of praises and expensive gifts from each of my family members. When i mean each i really mean each. My aunt gave him 200 dollars, my dad bought him a big ass punching bag and a set of boxing gloves which i believe it could just easily cost over 500. My grandma gave him some money as well and my mum bought him a feast/buffet. So what did i get when i had scored 5 points lower than him? nothing. Not even praises. The first reaction when i told my mum that i had gotten 235 was ' oh, so what school do you wanna go?' Its really saddening that i can never be good enough for them in their eyes. Like never. They didnt even paid attention to me when i had gotten my first trophy for poetry recitation in primary 2. They didnt even know i was chosen to be a school prefect. They paid no attention when i had gotten 2nd in class in primary 5. They didnt even know what was going on in my secondary school life then. They didnt even cared what results that i get, they didnt even know i managed to get 8th in class in the first semester of sec 4 and worse of all, they dont even know im a freaking exco of class managers and i designed my class tee/cm tee by myself for everyone. They are never proud of what i do because they feel that its just expected of me. Im proud of myself even though some are minor because i worked hard for it. These things dont just fly to me. I have to earn them. If im not proud of myself, who would? I bet they they wouldnt even give a fuck if im the top scorer in O levels. Im not born smart. They jolly well should know given the fact that i almost failed math in primary 2 when everyone was getting 80,90. I was never bright. Ive gotten to the last 5s class in primary school because of my math. Ive got promoted up and stayed in a 5s because ive got 75 for both english and chinese. Do they even know how difficult it is for me to produce results? During my PSLE year, i clearly remembered that i literally brought 5 math papers to do during the trip to china. On the plane,, in the hotel at night, anytime possible. I slipped into depression because results arent showing and that i was still failing math. Others were just mediocre. Same goes to my secondary school results. It has always been mediocre. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I DIDNT STUDY. I DIDNT WORK HARD. I DID. Whatever i do isnt by chance, by intelligence or by luck. I make things happen by myself, my tears and sweat. All i ever needed was your acknowledgement or at least give a fuck about what i do in school. If you can do that to my brother, why cant you spare some thought for me too? Next thing, i really dont understand the definition of thin. Whenever someone says a girl is thin, all i look at are just bones and nothing else. I guess everyone's definition is pretty much the same. Thin: underweight. I feel like a freaking laughing stock whenever i stand next to him. I can hear the voices inside me constantly telling me ' what are you thinking siok? his friends would totally laugh at you for being such a fat, ugly pig. who are you to think that yu deserve him?' All those mockings inside my head seemes so real that im starting to believe in it. I feel so embarrassed telling others that he is my boyfriend because they would just go like ' him? you serious? what the hell does he ever see in you? ' Even if they dont say it to my face, they would just look at me top to toe and give me a sly smile and judge me in their hearts. I know everyone's gonna say look arent all that matters to cover it up. BUT LOOKS BLOODY MEANS A LOT TO ME. Dont tell me you dont care about looks because everyone does have a certain standard of the other half. Looks is what builds up a person's confidence. I know it definitely builds up mine. Everytime when i look myself in the mirror, i would feel so disgusted and self hatred would start to grow within me and course through every fibre of my body. Its that contagious. I will never feel that im good enough for him unless im super model thin. Of course im not gonna sit here and whine. I can do that for all i want. Im gonna do whatever it takes even if it means being anorexic to be what he deserves because i just love him too much and couldnt bear to see him get laughed at for having such an obese girlfriend.

So today i had to go to the doctor to get my eye checked and i was feeling a little unwilling to spend the day at home with my mum just to get something so subtle checked. The stye on my eye has been there for months, even before O level had commenced. Stupidly, i kept thinking that the stye woud somehow go away after awhile. Sadly, it didnt and it got even worse. When i was at the clinc, the doctor told me that i had to go through a minor surgery to get it removed. I was flabbergasted and burst into tears because im really afraid of pain. I had called several people to get encouragements and even persuasion to go through with it. If i didnt remove it now, it woud solidify and it would turn into a major operation on the eye. I would be lying if i said that it didnt hurt, it does. It felt like your whole eyeball is gonna be dugged out and fall off. There's this sharp pain lingering in my eye after the surgery. However, im really glad that i managed to find the courage to do it. Before the surgery, my mum and i werent on good terms cause i always felt that she has been venting anger on me becaue she couldnt control my brother. Worst of all, i didnt tel how i felt and the problem persisted on. It not her fault that she vent her anger on me unwillingly, but me for keeping quiet. Like my title of this post, communication is what brought us together. We sat at the waiting area, waiting for our turn and the surgery and had a heart to heart talk that we hadnt have for many years. Ive realized that i disliked her so much because i didnt understand where she is coming from and all the hard work that she has to do to tame my brother because i wasnt aroud at home. I only cared about how i felt and what seemed wrong to me. I feel so guilty for not being able to understand her and kept digging out past wrongdoings of her to strengthen my point of view. Really glad to have my eye stye removed and having to clear the tesion between my mum and I. love her so much.