The reason why I didn't post anything personal for the past couple of months was because I'm afraid of what people would think of me, but I'm just going to write in this space because I want to get it off my chest.
This is my opinion, my thought.
Everyone can have differing opinions but this is just mine and I hope that you would respect it as I'm just giving you a piece of how I've been feeling the past few months.
As many of you know, I've joined Dragon boat back in August.
Different team members struggle with different sections. Some may be the inability to lift heavy weights, some may not catch the correct strokes for rowing.
For me, it's running.
Every time when I've put on my pair of running shoes lately, all I ever feel is a heavy heart of course accompanying that heavy feet.
Don't get me wrong, I love to run.
It takes my mind off all the stress I'm facing, it's like a temporary escapade from reality. Your mind releases endorphin to allow you to sink in them after a long run.
There's always my favorite playlist played and blast at maximum volume into my eardrums to get the adrenaline pumping. I know it isn't exactly the best for my ears, but it deafening music covers up my never ending irregular, loud breathing. My constant gasping for air will be ignored by my body because I'm oblivious to it, making it easier to finish a run with much joy.
My mind would occupy itself whilst at it. It would think of anything.
This includes happy flashbacks, thinking back about my friends and how I really cherish them as recent memories came flashing past.
My mind will have a debate in my head till I get a solution about the situation I'm stressed out about, allowing me to have a clear direction to get it done. After coming to a conclusion I would catch myself giving a visual pat on the back saying, 'Hey it ain't that a big deal after all' .
There would also be times where I thought about tough times that I've been through. Personally, it was those times where I exceeded my own expectations for math at O and A levels.
Inevitably, people who had put me down would pop into my head as well. From temasek sec denying me of an opportunity to take A math, got kicked out of higher chinese cause I wasn't good enough, being called out for having L1R5 of 27 one month before O levels because i was the last few percentile in the whole school.
There would also be times where I think about my first heartbreak that stings my heart so bad. The exact feeling I felt on sitting on the concrete floor with my whole body feeling icy cold from all the relentless crying.
Of course, all these thoughts flooding through my mind gave me motivation to run with sudden burst of energy every now and then, quickening and lightening my feet and push myself forward.
When the run ends and all my thoughts settled down, I came to consensus and made peace with myself.
I felt nothing but bliss.
However, it just doesn't feel the same anymore.
As I laced up my shoelace and approached the starting line, I felt like a zombie from Walking Dead. I'm always the first in line because I'm the slowest in the team.
I ran, but my mind was blank for initial few hundred metres.
Slowly, I will start to lack behind from the others. This time, my mind just goes, 'Here we again'.
Words of encouragement were being echoed from the back telling me to keep up and don't give up.
I had to constantly push myself to catch up so that I wouldn't let my team mates down.
However, this only resulted in wasting of energy because I would just lack behind eventually, being even more worn out and little energy to last for the whole 3-4km run.
By this time, I would be trailing behind and away from the rest of the team. As I watch my team mates run with such elegance, there I was getting into my really weird posture by tilting my head towards my right and my feet hit the ground like I was about to create an earthquake with a magnitude of 9.0.
I was so ungraceful.
The things that flooded through my mind was just negative.
'When is this going to end? OMG f- my life. Okay I swear this will be the last time I'm going to run, I really just want this to end, it's so painful. Why do I even try, I can't even be as good as them. Why am I so different from the rest? -'.
I really don't know if it's a normal thing to feel like you're out of breath to the point that your chest will start to contract so hard that you can't even breathe even at start of the run. Sometimes, I really feel like it's not that I don't want to push myself.
I mean, come on. It isn't exactly nice to always be last in runs, it isn't nice being away from the team.
Nobody would want to the dull in this ugly scene whereby you are always the black sheep. No one. I'm sure everyone that goes to Uni has somewhat an ego that doesn't want to be bruised.
It's embarrassing. If anyone had the energy to keep up and catch up, they would.
I would.
I hate being a burden, especially dragging down a senior to run with you because as a junior you can't run alone.
Honestly, I'd rather run alone and complete the run myself.
I don't blame anyone for looking down on me because I just cannot run, because I would.
I would probably slap myself and stare myself with those judgmental eyes. I would despise having someone being such a letdown, slow ass shit.
I would.
After each run, I don't feel bliss like I used to before.
I felt pain; physically in my chest and emotionally; for having a bruised ego, being a burden of the team.
If only someone would feel, that immense pain I felt after every training runs. I've always wished someone would run in my body and let them truly feel how it's like running with that much of pain.
I wish someone would understand, how it's like, being in my shoes.
With all that being said, it's just how I feel and I guess I'm going to continue to feel like that until I get better at running.
I don't know if I ever would, but I'm not going to give up even though I've told myself countless times that I would quit trying.
I'm sure every dragon boater has a certain level of competitiveness in them being in a such adrenaline pumped sport, everyone wants to prove their worth.
Of course, not forgetting resilience and determination to stay on in this high demanding sport with more than half a week filled with training and successfully pulling through every session.
I'm not as weak mentality as I thought, if not I would've been gone by now.
I am just going to find joy in running again, soon.
Maybe by improving it won't feel as painful as it is now.
I'm not giving up.
Not yet.
