Victoria

Its 11.48pm right now and here i am sitting in front of my computer, feeling so helpless because i have no idea what's going on. Why do you have to lie straight into my face when i asked you where you were? Do you know how fucking worried i am right now?

I was busy preparing your birthday gift because i've got a busy week ahead of me. I let my phone aside for a few hours, i let you away from my sight just for that few hours and you went out when i've told you a countless times not to do so as its dangerous. I care for you. I know you're a grown man but still anything can happen, okay?

Why does everyone know about your condition except me? When i asked you about it, you lie straight into my face? Dont you know how much importance you place in my heart? Right now, you're at A&E waiting... while i can't do anything about it already makes me feel like i havent been doing my duty as your girlfriend.. To make matters worse, you dont even want to tell me what happened to you.

This really makes me question my privilege to be with you, or rather do i mean as much to you. You can send tweets, but you can't drop me a message saying that you're at the hospital now because something has happened to you. Just, why? Im worried sick right now, still as clueless as ever... I've got an undone PI to do, yet i can't get my mind to focus on anything right now. Please be alright...

Even it has been months that we have been together with each other, i dont know why, but this sense of insecurity always gets hold of me. Its not that i dont want to talk to you, but sometimes i just dont find that i have the right to, because im not good enough. I can give you 5 reasons why i feel this way.

1. You are gorgeous.
Not just in any kind of way, but the everyone-stares-at-you-while-you-walk-by kinda way. Talk about being insecure when im with you man.

2. You are ever forgiving.
You can never get angry at me, no matter how nonsensical i can get, how angry im at you for not meeting my stupid expectations, me taking you for granted.

3. You are loving.
You would do anything, and i mean anything in the world for me. And what do i have to offer you in return? Nothing. Just sit around and be useless.

4. You dont ever let me spend a single cent on myself.
You pay for my expenses even when its not your duty to do so. Like cmon, my food? I feel so bad whenever u buy food/drinks for me and i dont finish them. And yiu're already so tight on money.

5. You are mr perfect boyfriend.
You are so perfect in everything that you do, be it being neat and tidy, being commited to something, being sweet and caring, being the best boyfriend that anyone would die to have you.

Im nothing but a hot tempered, self centred spoilt little bitch who would leash my fustrations at you and get angry at you for no reason at all.

Maybe i shouldnt even be with you in the first place. You are being tight down to someone who isnt going to give you what you deserve mr perfect... i have no rights. I will forever feel like a loser being by your side. You deserve better...

So, its going to be his 18th birthday soon and i wanted to plan a birthday party for him. I wanted to make it grand for him, therefore i asked his usual clique of friends who have been through his whole secondary school life with to make it special and meaningful. As such, i went to contact a friend of his, obviously the one who is the most amiable and approachable. I roughly told him what i wanted to do for his birthday. However, he had something else in mind. He told me that since two of his clique have their birthday on the almost same dates, he told me to let his clique settle his birthday and let them celebrate for him. He asked me again if im alright with it. I agreed to it unwillingly.

I feel so disheartened. I mean, i know that his friends mean a lot to him because they have been through years of thick memories and friendship, even way, way before he had met me. Their bonds are as strong as giant lattice colvalent structure and i have no right to destroy that because i have just been in his life for 3 months, maybe 6 months when he first met me. However, i just feel so disheartened and unimportant. It's his 18th birthday, so i shouldnt be complaining about it and just let his clique do his birthday party for him and i should sit in one corner and suck my thumb like a big loser girlfriend because i can't connect with them. I have never ever had such difficulties communicating with people. I've always thought that being friendly and daring makes me approachable and easy to talk to. What now? I just get left out; and not just any event, but his 18th birthday. I dont know why im making a big fuss about his birthday, but its probably because its the first time im gonna celebrate his birthday with him and probably its because its his 18th. I know that he will definitely enjoy it with his friends, but somehow deep down in my heart i just wish that im there for him as well.

I just feel like a freaking loser. Im already very insecure about myself, today just made it worst. I've always felt like im the reacher trying to keep my prince charming beside me while he is the settler settling for something lesser than he deserves. He is just so perfect in every way that i cant even find any flaws with him. While me? im just a fucking screwed up girl trying to keep her life together. Till now, i still dont know what does he ever see in me for him to fall in love with me. I hate myself so much sometimes. Call me emotional, but come on every girl wants her prince charming in their lives, and now that i have him, im so afraid of losing him because i really cant find any reason about me for him to stay with me. Whenever i walk beside him i'll feel that everyone's looking at us thinking, ' why the hell are these two couple even together? '
I feel so insecure all the time whenever im with him. I've never ever felt so bad about myself, ever. Maybe he's just too perfect and i can never be good enough for him.

I honestly didnt see this coming, but it really hit me hard, on my face. Maybe his friends just feel that im not good enough for him and he is definitely off for someone better. Well its not a surprise because i kinda felt it somewhere inside my heart, and my feeling's never wrong. Im his girlfriend after all, is it so wrong wanting to celebrate his birthday with him? I just feel like im being thrown aside, so unimportant, like a speck of dust. Im not saying they are wrong, they are definitely not wrong, and i can understand where they are coming from, just it just kills me inside knowing that i mean so little in his life and that i wont be celebrating his birthday with him. Sometimes i really wonder what am i even worthy to even be in his life. But, what can i do? Just suck it in, suck everything in like a whiny bitch and close one eye, move on. Its time to face the truth, and

It's has been a month since school have started and everything has been moving in a fast forward pace. Honestly, i love TPJC despite the strict school rules and some flaws the school has.

One thing i absolutely love about the school is the people there. On the first day of school, i was so nervous and even got aaron to send to me to school because i absolutely didn't know anyone who went to TPJC and i was all alone. However, thank god that i had serena to accompany all the way to the hall and we were eventually being split up because we are in different OG. I sat down and kept using my phone to text aaron because i REFUSED to talk to anyone. It was so tensed but things got better when the orientation programme eventually started and different clans went up on stage and present their cheer and dance. The OGLs had definitely hyped up the mood and made things better. On the first day of orientation it was really horrible because everyone looked so bored as though they dont want to be there. After leaving the hall, we proceed to one of the lecture hall and sort out administrative stuff and thats when i got to know my first friend in tpjc, beitriss chua AKA my squrriel! From then on, we started doing everything together. Over the weekend after the first day of orientation, Jane personally Watsapped me because i was talking about how i wanted to join dance and wanted to know more about it and we kinda started talking on that day onwards.

On the second day, we learnt the mass dance and beitriss and I somehow got close to Elyn and Fardiana and we became a small girl clique together ever since. I can't actually remember the guys and their faces because im very bad at remembering names and its especially difficult especially for guys because they look all the same to me, unless you're super cute! hahaha, no offence og19 guyssss! I think the first guy that i got to know was Ryan because the OG had started a rumour about him liking some girl. The rest of them i eventually got to remember them such as Amos who looked like justin back in my secondary school, Randall, Javier, Bad luck shawn, Aaron Lau the always hungry and the-guy-who-has-funny-eye-brows-and-who-loves-bubbletea, Wei Quan and the always-bo-jio mr thaqif. Im really, really glad that we really clicked as an OG and this bond is unbreakable. On the last day of orientation, Beitriss, Jane and I were the only triplets because there was an odd number in our OG for amazing race. We had so much fun and laughter and Beitriss and I constantly panicked because Jane is forever missing and appearing out of nowhere again just like a little girl running around HAHAHAHA! :) sorry hamtaro :P

 Even though we have been posted to our CG for a few weeks already, we still went out for Seoul Garden lunch after Road run and study till late into the night in school with a bunch of peeps. Also, not forgetting sharing Nachos with Elyn in Chinese Lecture every Thursday. The feeling that i get from OG19 is irreplaceable and definitely memorable. I really wish things would ceteris paribus because i really love this bunch of awesome people.

On top of all that, we really had super OGLs to guide us along throughout before we had gotten our CG, Amila, Junie, Jinghao and Kendrew. One of the OGL, Amila, went beyond her duties as an OGL and went extra miles just to bond us together such as constantly asking why are we so sian and encouraging us to try our best to win the games in the orientation by letting us make the OGLs do forfeit for every game that we had won. Im really glad that her efforts are not wasted and she is definitely one OGL that would remain in our hearts. She was always there with us through our orientation and she is the one who had made the most impact in our journey throughout as an OG by being there whenever she can. She is definitely my inspiration to be an OGL for the next batch of J1s next year.

 Moving on from orientation, im posted to 13S21, where this class is dominated by guys and five girls. This is probably so because its a H2 physics class and not many girls take physics. I love physics to bits okay, dont judge! I love my CG as well as everyone's really nice and friendly. One of the person whom i can get along really well is Kavita. I really admire her strong willpower to move on from her difficulties and she is definitely a strong woman in my eyes. I really appreciate how she is so patient with me teaching me vectors and helping me to be ahead of others. Morever, she even helped to dig out her past SA1 papers for me because i asked for it. She gives off this motherly love for me because whenever im stress out she would always know the right thing to say to me. I remembered i broke down after GP lesson because the teacher had said an insensitive remark to me. She was the first one to offer me tissue and constantly asking me what was wrong. Whenever i feel that going to school early in the morning is tiring, i would always think of how kavita needs to wake up early in the morning at 4.45am just to be on time for school and i should not have any complaints that im tired. I came to realize that after she told me how early she has to get up just to go school every single day, i stopped complaining about how tiring school was and i miraculously felt so energized every single day to go to school. It really means a lot to me to see her smile even though she is really tired and exhausted from all the travelling that she has to go through in a day. She had also made me stopped cursing so much, well at least when im with her with i am most of the time and made me appreciate the things that i have. I really hope that we can get through this year together and hopefully to be in the same class as her the next year because she is someone i can learn a lot from and someone that im so blessed to having in my life.

For my 2013 resolution, i would really wish that i can attain and stick to it for the rest of the year because its gonna get tough and there would definitely be many tears to be shed, quarrels and obstacles ahead.

For one thing that im really blessed to have in my life is my dear aaron who is always there for me. I know that i have always took him for granted because im too caught up in achieving my goals that i tend to push people away, or do anything rather just to achieve selfish aims. Im really glad that aaron is so understandable and he didnt not murmur a single complain about me choosing a JC when all his best friends and their girl would be going to the same poly but i had to leave him alone. It was a really tough decision, but he supported me no matter what and that is really heart warming. On valentine's day, he invited me over and personally cooked dinner for me which consists healthy food like baked potatoes, chicken breast and macorooni because he knew that i was health conscience and i want to maintain my body shape. Not only that, he had made a video titled '52 reasons why' just for me. The reason behind why he had made this video is because i have always been insecure about myself and i have always been constantly asking him, 'why me?' Therefore, he wrote 52 reasons why he loved me on blank poker cards he had bought from ghoby ghaut and made it into a video. He made this video with so much editting and over night work just to present it to me for Valentine's day. The video had brought tears to my eyes because of the effort that he had put into it and the lengths he would go just to make me feel special and important to him. The video was not the only gift that he had given me. He had bought a pink cardigan for me because i have always been constantly saying that i need a cardigan but didnt have the time to buy it. Im just so blessed to have him by my side. He's constantly by my side and trying to hold onto our relationship whenever we quarrel and put his pride aside by apologizing even though its not his fault because he knows that im someone who is too proud to give in. On our 3rd month, he made another video for me featuring all the things that i have bought for him and the memories we had collected over the past 3 months. I really hope that im able to learn how to stop being so selfish and start opening my eyes to see who is really there for me in times when i need them the most. Im glad that my boy and I are still strong together despite all our differences, obstacles and fights. I really dont know what would i be without him by my side.

All in all, this year has been great and i hope that it will remain this way :)